Podcast: Dating Advice for Widowers and the Women who Date Them

One of the big concerns I hear from women in relationships with widowers is that they love my books and find them helpful but their widowers aren’t readers or don’t have the time to pick up a book. If that’s the case, maybe they’ll listen to a recent podcast I participated in titled “Dating Advice for Widowers and the Women who Date Them.”

What I enjoyed most about the interview is that the interview focused on discussing the needs of widowers, how widowers can know whether or not they’re ready for serious relationship, and how they can know if they’re really in love with the person they’re dating. Listen to the podcast here then, if you like it, recommend it to the widower in your life.

Enjoy!

Widower Wednesday: Shanta’s Story

Every relationship has its own struggles, and being in a relationship with a widower presents its own set of challenges. My fiancé Sherman lost his wife after 15 years of marriage. She died at the young age of 41 to cancer and it was the most difficult thing he had ever been through. When I met him, I really didn’t understand how to act or what to say in the beginning of our relationship as I had not spent much time around widowers or for that matter ever dated a widower, but I was willing to try.

How We Met

I met Sherman in December of 2014 when I received a Facebook friend request on December 14, 2014. I was at my church Christmas banquet. I accepted his friend request because I knew him, but didn’t know him. I then received a message from him that read --- “Good evening Ms. Bender. I hope all is well with you this evening. I would love to have a conversation with you when the time permits. I hope you are as eager to speak to me as I am to you. If not I guess I will just have to wait patiently.”

I responded. When Sherman sent me the message, I knew he was a widower, so I thought he needed the CD with all the photographs from the family session, but that was not the case. When Sherman called me that night after I sent him my phone number, I remember him asking was I single. I told him yes and afterwards, I remember asking him if he remembered me and he then asked did I know him. I told him I didn’t know him, but I told him I was his family photographer in September of 2013. But he didn’t remember me immediately. With that being said, I initially met Sherman and his family in September of 2013. I remember first meeting up with the late wife, children, and maternal grandmother on that day [Sherman showed up close to sunset time] at the Railroad Park in Birmingham, Alabama for their family portraits and they were one of the sweetest most awesome families I’ve ever had the pleasure to photograph! 

On December 17, 2014, Sherman and I met at BRIO Tuscan Grille and things went from there. On July 10, 2015, Sherman proposed and I said YES! I never would have thought in a million years that I would be with a widower and surely he never imagined his life would pan out like this; but we are proof that you simply cannot plan life, or choose who you fall in love with, or when. We are now engaged and are getting married in 2016 and we are very excited about our future together.

Tips and Advice for Dating a Widower

Accept their past, be patient with extended family and be aware that extended family members may struggle to accept you. Also, communicate about your feelings! Put God at the center of your relationship, pray about your feelings– being honest with God and your mate about how you feel. Your relationship can both thrive! A relationship with a widower is really just a relationship with an ordinary man!

Widower Wednesday: 3 Things Widowers Shouldn’t Do on a Date

A recent experience shared on the Dating a Widower Facebook group started a lively discussion about what widowers shouldn't do on dates. Though I think the following three are obvious to most people, I’m putting them out there in case there is a person or two who needs a quick dating etiquette reminder.

1.       Don’t Bring Your Late Wife on the Date.

While we all carry around bits and pieces of those we love and have loved in our heart and minds, it’s better to leave physical reminders about that person at home. That includes photos of the late wife, a small portion of her ashes in a small container, or other objects, like rings, that her ashes or other body parts have been used to construct. It’s tacky and gross to take those on a date. If you inadvertently bring one of these things along with you, don’t show it off. If you happen to show it to the woman you’re with, she’s not going to like it. She’ll probably be offended, grossed out, and/or appalled by it. Don’t be surprised if she grabs her purse and takes off on a dead sprint.

2.       Don’t Take Photos of the Aforementioned Objects While on the Date

Cell phones make it easy to take photos. So if you happen to violate rule number 1, DON’T take a picture of one of the aforementioned objects while on a date. Don’t do when your date is present. Don’t do it when she heads off to the restroom. It doesn't matter if the restaurant you’re eating at or the place you’re visiting meant something to you and the late wife. Just. Don’t. Do. It. There will always be more opportunities to take photos. A date with someone else is neither the time nor the place for it. Take them at a later time.

3.       Don’t Post the Photo on Social Media

Tools like Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and Snapchat, make it easy to share photos with friends, family, and the entire human race. If you violate rule #1 and rule #2, DO NOT post the photo on social media with comments about how much the place you were at meant so much to you and the late wife and how much you miss her. This is especially important if the woman you’re dating with you is friends or follows you on the social media account you post it on. Awkward doesn't begin to describe the situation you've put yourself and your date in. Also, don’t plan on another date with that person.

Avoiding these three mistakes is good for a widower’s dating life and physical survival. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict someone for breaking to a homicidal fury after breaking all three rules. Proceed with caution should one choose to ignore this advice.

***

Can you think of other things that a widower shouldn't do on a date? Have your own horror story about something a widower did while dating you? Leave them in the comments below.

Widower Wednesday: Jacy's Story

Here's another widower relationships success story. Thanks for sending Jacy.

My widower was friends with my brother in middle and high school in Oklahoma, so I've known him for over half my life. He moved to California in his early twenties and got married. His late wife was manic depressive and bi polar.

From what I've heard their relationship was tumultuous. There was a big argument between them in November 2012 which almost caused a divorce but they were able to work things out. W got a job offer back here in Oklahoma and they decided to move here to save their marriage and have more support.

One month to the day of moving here, his late wife shot herself June of 2013. I don't fully know why as I've never asked and feel like it's not my place.

At the time of the late wife’s passing, my brother was in the middle of a bi polar unhinging—so to speak—and I had not seen or spoken to him in a couple months. He wanted me to come to W’s mom's house in the days before the funeral, but I felt like it wasn't the place for a "family reunion"

My sister-in-law brought W’s two girls, aged 1 and 3, to my house for a day of swimming while W and my brother cleaned and moved out of the house. I instantly fell in love with them and knew I wanted them in my life. I thought I could be like an aunt to them. At the time, I was a director at a daycare and told her to tell w that if he decided he needed child care that I would make sure his girls were taken care of. T

hree weeks later, I got a call from W. It was the beginning of July. It was also the first time I had seen him in 15 years or so. When he walked in, it was like God whispered in my ear, "There he is." By August we were casually dating and October we moved in together. I don't know how, I just knew he was the one.

It was rough in the beginning as he was still going thru the stages of grief. I tried to not let it bother me because it was so soon after her passing. I had mental timelines set of when I would no longer put up with something and if he didn't change on his own or after I talked to him, then I would be done.

Christmas was rough because it was their first Christmas without her. W cried and didn't speak much during the day. Quite frankly, I was pissed that my Christmas was spent watching him cry. Later he told me that he was upset because watching his girls’ happy faces he wondered how his late wife would want to leave them. I told myself it WAS the first Christmas without her so I choose to let it go.

June 2014 was 1 year since she died. That day was hard for me. I felt like I was being settled for. But after that day, he was a completely different man. He is very good about making sure that I know I'm number one.

Here are two things that have attributed to our success:

• Don't ask questions you really don't want the answer to. Some things are better left unknown.
• Quit nit picking. Just enjoy the here and now. If it bothers you, speak up. He probably doesn't even realize he is doing it. On the other hand ask yourself why it bothers you? Really dig deep as to what the answer is before you speak.

I've had to let a lot of things go because I decided it was more my issue than his. I know he thinks about her and misses her but I also know that I take front and center today. In the beginning, I told myself that I had to get used to talk about her because there are two little girls who need to remember their mommy in heaven in a good light because eventually, the truth will come out.

Widower Wednesday: Jodi's Story

Occasionally I like to highlight reader success stories when it comes to widower relationships. Today's story comes from Jodi. Enjoy!

I met J when I went to work as a nurse in the hospital he worked at. He was married at the time and we always had a good working relationship and were friendly towards each other. Through the grapevine at work I heard that his wife at the time had battled cancer on and off. Soon she became very ill with another type of cancer. I left my job at the hospital shortly after, though we remained friends on social media. When his wife passed, I was truly sad for him and his daughter and expressed my condolences to him through social media.

About 11 months after his late wife had passed, he would occasionally send me messages on Facebook. We agreed to go on a date a couple of months later. His late wife had been gone just shy of a year and a half at this point. I was not sure what to expect from him as I had never dated a widower before and always said I would not. We had a great time as he was always a funny and sweet man. We started seeing each other and soon developed strong feelings toward each other. I asked several times if he was truly ready to date and he said he was. He dated some casually before me, though not much and nothing real serious.

The night he told me he loved me for the first time, he started out by telling me that he still loved the late wife and thought about and missed her every day. He said if he could get her back, he would. He followed this statement by telling me he loved me.

I was totally confused. I loved this man and wanted him to love me too. I did tell him I loved him but because of what he said I was not sure where this left me. I cried myself to sleep that night after he fell asleep.

The next day I called him to break things off. Based on what he said the night before, I did not feel he was truly ready and how could he really love me if he still felt that way for late wife? There was also much drama with his 21-year-old daughter who felt that he should live with her, his family, and the memories of the late wife. He was very upset and begged me not to break things off, saying he was only trying to be honest with me and that late wife was gone, he was not still "in love" with her as he could not be "in love" with a deceased woman. He promised me that he was in love with me and wanted to share a life together. As far as his daughter was concerned, she would be a work in progress and he felt he should do what made him happy. I decided to stay and see how things turned out, against what my gut was telling me. My heart was saying something totally different and I was sure I would end up a broken heart again and left to deal with my stupidity. 

We did have some bumps in the road here and there. I would not go to his home as he told me that pictures of the late wife were up still, some of her clothes still hanging in his closet, and what sounded like a shrine to the late wife that included a urn with her ashes, a leather bound book from her memorial service, and a picture of her on an antique table in his home. Plus his daughter lived at home and was nothing short of a spoiled, drama queen who wanted no other woman in her mother’s home. I told him I would not deal with this stuff and did not want to see the late wife everywhere. If he was ready to share his life with someone else, this stuff should be packed away. I bought the book Dating a Widower and shared it with J. We both read and discussed it and he could see where I was coming from. He agreed to make changes at his home but had to do so slowly as not to upset his daughter too much. 

We discussed marriage and I informed him that I would not accept a proposal from him until all of the late wife things were taken care of in his home. He took down pictures, bagged up the late wife’s clothes for his daughter to go through then donate. He was to put the "shrine" in his daughter’s room.

I made it very clear to J that I would never accept being put second to late wife nor would I tolerate him letting his daughter disrespect me or my daughter or treat us badly. He never did any of this. He did put us first and moved on with a life with me, despite major objections from his daughter. She has chosen to stay away and not involve herself in his life. While it is hard for him not to have her in his life, he has moved on. The rest of his family was very supportive of whatever made him happy. 

We were married four days ago and we could not be happier. We have very few late wife issues because he has moved on to a life with me. He always puts me first. He has told me that he loves me more than he ever loved anyone else, no exceptions and I believe him. We will have struggles—all marriages do—but those will most likely have nothing to do with his former widower status or late wife issues.

Widower Wednesday: Moving On

Remember: You don’t need the understanding of others to move on from all the bad things life throws at you. Moving forward requires you to act.

Moving on means getting your butt in gear and making changes. Acting like a victim isn't going to change or improve your circumstances.

Widower Wednesday: Never Assume. Always Verify.

It's dangerous to make assumptions about the person you’re dating. At some point you need to have in-depth conversations about finances, family, personal values and beliefs, faith, and other important topics to see if there are anything that you can't live with. Yet I’ll often see women who marry widowers or have been dating a widower for years who don't have or refuse to have these conversations and end up with nasty surprises years down the road.

For example, I recently received an email from a woman who’s only been married to a widower three months. She dated the man for two years and during that time assumed he was financially secure. Yet it wasn’t until after they were married that she realized the widower had blown through the late wife’s life insurance policy and had racked up over $100,000 in consumer debt on various credit cards. When they were dating they never discussed money or finances. She just assumed his job paid well enough to support that lifestyle and now finds herself in the unfortunate situation of being married to someone with a spending problem and having to use her own hard-earned savings to pay off the debt.

I felt bad for the woman but wondered how she had dated someone so long without knowing anything about his true financial situation. Then I remembered I got a similar shock early in my marriage with the late wife.  About four months into our marriage the late wife thought she might be pregnant. It turned out to be a false alarm but that started a conversation about how many kids we wanted and when we wanted to start a family. It was a conversation we never had before that moment. Much to my surprise the late wife said she only wanted to have one or two kids.

I was shocked. Because we shared very similar religious and cultural backgrounds I had always assumed that the late wife wanted a large family. In the two years we dated it never occurred to me to ask if she wanted something different. When she said she wanted a small family, I was literally speechless. It took a couple of days before I was able to pick the conversation back up and talk about the reasons she felt the way she did.

The fact she wanted a small family wasn’t a deal breaker. We still had a good marriage and I hoped that maybe after a child or two that perhaps she’d want a third. However, I was kicking myself for not having this conversation early in our relationship. I still would have married the late wife had I known early on about her family preferences but it would have helped me set expectations of what our future family would look like and avoided some difficult moments early in our marriage.

It’s a mistake I didn’t make the second time around. After Marathon Girl and I realized that we had a long-term future together, we had an in-depth conversation about when we wanted to start a family and how many kids we wanted to have. There was no way I was going to get surprised again. We also had detailed conversations about finances, religion, and lots of other personal topics. At first these conversations were difficult to have because I didn’t want to consider the possibility that there might be a deal breaker lurking out there somewhere. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Marathon Girl and didn’t want an ugly truth getting in the way of a life together. But based on my past experience I didn’t want any surprises after we were married. I knew that it was better to find out these things early on and decide whether or not I could live with them then find out later.

Whether you’re new to a relationship with a widower or dating one for a long time, it’s never too late to have these kinds of conversations. The sooner you have them the better. If you have doubts about what the widower tells you, don’t be afraid to verify what he says is true. Make sure his actions back up what he says. Don’t let fear stop you from having them because it’s better to find out now than later.

As for the woman who discovered the truth about her husband’s financial situation, the latest update email I received from her is that she doesn’t know if the marriage is going to last. Her husband got defensive when she brought up the debt. They’re going to marriage counseling and she’s willing to help pay off the debts and work on the marriage but only on the condition that he changes his spending habits. Right now she doesn’t know if that’s going to happen.

She’s learning her lesson the hard way. I hope its pain and heartache everyone else can avoid.

Widower Wednesday: Putting Each other First

From the inbox comes the following email:

Abel,

Congratulations on your and Marathon Girl’s recent anniversary! It gives me hope that things can move forward with my widower. If I can ask, how are you and Marathon Girl able to make things work? Any secrets you can share would be great. My W and I are going through a rough patch and I really want thing to work out if at all possible.

Best,

D.

D.,

Thanks for reaching out. There’s not really a secret to our marital success. We just put each other first when issues come up and things usually work themselves out.  I know that it sounds simple, but it’s the key to any marital relationship.

Most of the time when I get emails from GOWs, WOWs, or widowers themselves asking for relationship advice, it’s because one or both of them aren’t putting the needs of the other person above their own interests, their kids, job, hobbies, etc. Admittedly it’s not always easy to do this and I don’t claim that me and Marathon Girl are prefect at this. However, when we’ve both put each other first the problem or issue in our relationship has generally worked itself out to the point where we can both live with it.

Sometimes this involves Marathon Girl and I talking things through and reaching some sort of compromise. Other times it means one or both of us have to delay or give something up in order for things to work out. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution for every problem or issue a couple may encounter. But if one or both of you don’t have the desire to put the happiness of your partner above your own, the relationship won’t last long. It takes two people learning about each other and growing with each other to give it long-term success.

I hope you can your widower can overcome this rough spot you’re going through and come out with a stronger relationship and more in love with each other in the end.

Hope this helps,

Abel

Widower Wednesday: How Long Should You Date a Widower Before Giving Up?

The other day I received an email from a woman who had been dating a widower for three years. Her email was filled with all kind of problems and issues that she had been dealing with from the very first date. From the tone of her email it sounded like she had reached the end of her patience and ability to deal with the photographs of the late wife all over the house, the constant stories about how great their marriage was, and feeling like she always was number two in the widower’s heart.

I replied to her email with once sentence: If things are so bad, why don’t you just end the relationship?

Her response was just as brief: I’ve already invested three years of my life into this relationship. I’ve spent too much time and energy to just give up on it.

I wish that was the first time I heard that answer to the question but it’s one I hear over and over again. Usually the longer the GOWs been in a relationship with a widower, the more likely it is to be a reason for staying in a bad relationship.

It’s easy to deceive ourselves and think that because we’ve put one year, three years, or five years into a relationship so if we just work on it a little longer or have more patience, everything will eventually work itself out.

In economics this kind of thinking is called the sunk cost fallacy. In short, the sunk cost fallacy is that once a person, a business, or a government has invested a lot of resources in something, it’s not worth quitting. You can apply this fallacy to education, sports, relationships, and just about anything else that requires a large investment of your time, energy, and/or money.

Recently I found myself doing my own dance with the sunk cost fallacy. Last month I wrote how my latest writing project had stalled because of a stressful work environment. I had been stressed on the job for some time but kept thinking things would change for the better and I’d start enjoying my job again. Besides, I could list plenty of things that I liked about my job. However, once I sat down and thought things through, I realized what I liked about my job wasn't worth the cost of coming home stressed out, not having the energy to play with the kids or being the kind of husband Marathon Girl needed. So I spent all of my free time looking for a better job, found one two months later, and my life is good again. I’m working two hours a day on my novel and have the time and energy to be there for my kids and Marathon Girl. And the first step to getting to this better place in my life was admitting that my old job was no longer worth it the time and energy I was putting into it.

When it comes to dating a widower, there comes a point where giving the widower one more chance or hoping that he’ll start living in the present is simply a waste of time. How much time it takes may vary depending on the circumstances of the relationship my personal opinion is that people don’t need more than a year to know whether or not a relationship has long-term potential (read marriage or some other lifelong commitment). Anything past that is simply wasted time and energy.

Looking back at my relationships with Marathon Girl and the late wife, I knew very quickly (within months) that they both were someone I could happily spend the rest of my life with. The relationships that didn’t work out I usually dragged out longer than necessary because I or the person I was dating thought things would work out if I just invested more of myself into it things would change.

So if you’ve been dating widower longer than a year and you’re not happy with where it's going, it might be a good time to think through the relationship and decide if all the pain and misery is worth it. Think about more positive things you could be doing with your time and life and decide if it’s worth the tradeoff. The little time we have in this world is a precious gift. It would be a shame to waste any more of it on someone who doesn't have your long-term interests at heart.

Widower Wednesday: Communication Alone Won’t Save Your Relationship with a Widower

From the inbox comes an email with a great question:

Dear Abel,

I’ve read your books and your blogs and have found them very helpful. I am also a member of your Dating a Widower Facebook group and enjoy the sisterhood there and knowing I’m not alone in my issues with a widower. As a result of your writings and the group, I’ve learned how to better communicate with my widowers and set boundaries.

One good thing that has come from all this is that I feel more confident in who I am as a woman. I no longer feel threatened by my widower’s deceased spouse and no longer worry about something I might have done or said if my widower withdraws emotionally or says or does something stupid. I realize that he has his own issues to deal with and that though I can be there to help, he’s the one who has to ultimately work through them. I can’t thank you and my other sisters on the board for helping me see this.

Despite the improved communication and boundary setting, the one big negative is that the widower himself hasn't changed that much or even made progress. Pictures of them still dot the house. He goes of on stories about things they did. I could go on but you get the idea.  In short, I can't see a future with him until he can give his heart to me. At this point I want to know what else I can do to help the relationship move forward or is it time to cut my losses and move on?

Thanks,

TP

TP,

I commend you for making great progress when it comes to learning how to communicate and setting boundaries. These are skills that will help you quite about not only in future relationships but with co-workers, friends, and family.

The reality is that communication skills and boundary setting are necessary ingredients for any healthy relationship  they only go so far. In the end it takes both parties to put the other person first and make a connection with them. And for some reason your widower doesn't want to do any of heavy lifting.  There could be a hundred reasons why he's chosen that path but the reason isn't important right now. Instead, you need to do what's best for you.

It sounds like you've fought the good fight and done everything in your power to make the relationship work but now it's time to move on. You're a better, stronger person now. You deserve better. Cut the ties and be free.

Abel