Here's another widower relationships success story. Thanks for sending Jacy.
My widower was friends with my brother in middle and high school in Oklahoma, so I've known him for over half my life. He moved to California in his early twenties and got married. His late wife was manic depressive and bi polar.
From what I've heard their relationship was tumultuous. There was a big argument between them in November 2012 which almost caused a divorce but they were able to work things out. W got a job offer back here in Oklahoma and they decided to move here to save their marriage and have more support.
One month to the day of moving here, his late wife shot herself June of 2013. I don't fully know why as I've never asked and feel like it's not my place.
At the time of the late wife’s passing, my brother was in the middle of a bi polar unhinging—so to speak—and I had not seen or spoken to him in a couple months. He wanted me to come to W’s mom's house in the days before the funeral, but I felt like it wasn't the place for a "family reunion"
My sister-in-law brought W’s two girls, aged 1 and 3, to my house for a day of swimming while W and my brother cleaned and moved out of the house. I instantly fell in love with them and knew I wanted them in my life. I thought I could be like an aunt to them. At the time, I was a director at a daycare and told her to tell w that if he decided he needed child care that I would make sure his girls were taken care of. T
hree weeks later, I got a call from W. It was the beginning of July. It was also the first time I had seen him in 15 years or so. When he walked in, it was like God whispered in my ear, "There he is." By August we were casually dating and October we moved in together. I don't know how, I just knew he was the one.
It was rough in the beginning as he was still going thru the stages of grief. I tried to not let it bother me because it was so soon after her passing. I had mental timelines set of when I would no longer put up with something and if he didn't change on his own or after I talked to him, then I would be done.
Christmas was rough because it was their first Christmas without her. W cried and didn't speak much during the day. Quite frankly, I was pissed that my Christmas was spent watching him cry. Later he told me that he was upset because watching his girls’ happy faces he wondered how his late wife would want to leave them. I told myself it WAS the first Christmas without her so I choose to let it go.
June 2014 was 1 year since she died. That day was hard for me. I felt like I was being settled for. But after that day, he was a completely different man. He is very good about making sure that I know I'm number one.
Here are two things that have attributed to our success:
- Don't ask questions you really don't want the answer to. Some things are better left unknown.
- Quit nit picking. Just enjoy the here and now. If it bothers you, speak up. He probably doesn't even realize he is doing it. On the other hand ask yourself why it bothers you? Really dig deep as to what the answer is before you speak.
I've had to let a lot of things go because I decided it was more my issue than his. I know he thinks about her and misses her but I also know that I take front and center today. In the beginning, I told myself that I had to get used to talk about her because there are two little girls who need to remember their mommy in heaven in a good light because eventually, the truth will come out.