Is It a Red Flag If He Doesn't Tell You He's a Widower?

Note: You can watch a video version of this post here.

A viewer writes, “Abel, what if he doesn’t tell you he’s a widower on the first date?”

Personally, I’d hope he brings it up right away on the second date and has a good reason for not mentioning it sooner. Is it a red flag or a dealbreaker? Not necessarily. I’ve worked with clients in this situation, and as long as there’s complete honesty and transparency going forward, I’d usually let it slide.

To be fair, my first date with Julie probably would’ve gone better if I hadn’t dropped the “widower bomb” right in the middle of dinner. Waiting until the second date might have made things smoother. The bigger issue isn’t whether he tells you on date one or date two—it’s whether he’s emotionally ready for a real relationship.

So, whether he tells you on the first date or the second, keep your eyes wide open for red flags and make sure he’s truly ready to open his heart to you.

My Dad Is Already Dating. My Mom Just Died.

Note: You can see a video version of this post here.

A viewer writes, “Abel, what would you say about a widower whose wife went from completely healthy to dead in a month and a half, and then started seeing someone within two months? It feels incredibly disrespectful to my suddenly deceased mom.”

First, I want to acknowledge how painful that is. From your perspective, it can feel like your mom’s life and memory are being pushed aside way too quickly.

I think your dad likely has a big hole in his heart and is trying to fill it in the fastest way he knows how. For better or worse, that kind of behavior is more common in sudden-loss widowers than people realize. That doesn’t excuse it—but it does help explain it.

Now here’s the part you do have control over: how you respond to it.

You can’t control your dad’s timeline, his coping, or the choices he makes right now in his grief. But you can control your boundaries and how you protect your own relationship with your mom’s memory while still navigating your relationship with him.

That may mean having an honest conversation about how fast this feels. It may mean setting limits on what you’re willing to be around emotionally. But the goal isn’t to punish him—it’s to keep your own sense of respect and stability intact while he’s figuring out how to process a sudden loss.

Can Sons Become Mini-Husbands?

Note: Watch a video version of this post here.

A viewer writes, “Abel, can sons become a mini-wife?”

Yes—although in this case, it’s more accurate to call them a mini-husband. It’s not as common in widower relationships, but it does happen, especially with widows or after divorce. It starts when the parent starts treating the son like a surrogate spouse instead of a child. As a result, the son may become overly protective, possessive, or feel responsible for his mother’s emotional well-being and happiness.

That’s a heavy burden to put on anyone. And if it’s not addressed, it can create serious problems later in life and future relationships. The solution is the same as with a mini-wife dynamic: healthy boundaries. The parent has to stop leaning on the child emotionally and free them to live their own life—not fill the role of a spouse.

If you want to learn more, check out my video on mini-wives.

Widower Wednesday: Widowers and Memorial Tattoos

The widower you're in a relationship with wants to get a memorial tattoo. Is that a good idea? In this video, Abel Keogh discusses why widowers want memorial tattoos after they're in a serious relationship with a new woman. He'll also discuss strategies to help the two of you talk through the issues so you can both decide if a memorial tattoo is something that would hurt or help your relationship. This is the perfect video for wives and girlfriends of widowers who want a tattoo as well as those widower who are considering getting one of the late wife.

Widower Wednesday: Help! My Widower is Easily Triggered. What can I do about it?

Sights, smells, and sounds are all things that can trigger memories of the past. When it comes to widowers these triggers can lead to an emotional breakdown. If you’re dating a widower who is prone crying when “their song” is played or where trips and nights out seem to trigger endless stories of the late wife, this video will help you navigate through these emotional landmines so that you can know whether or not the widower you’re dating is ready to move on.

Widower Wednesday: Never Assume. Always Verify.

It's dangerous to make assumptions about the person you’re dating. At some point you need to have in-depth conversations about finances, family, personal values and beliefs, faith, and other important topics to see if there are anything that you can't live with. Yet I’ll often see women who marry widowers or have been dating a widower for years who don't have or refuse to have these conversations and end up with nasty surprises years down the road.

For example, I recently received an email from a woman who’s only been married to a widower three months. She dated the man for two years and during that time assumed he was financially secure. Yet it wasn’t until after they were married that she realized the widower had blown through the late wife’s life insurance policy and had racked up over $100,000 in consumer debt on various credit cards. When they were dating they never discussed money or finances. She just assumed his job paid well enough to support that lifestyle and now finds herself in the unfortunate situation of being married to someone with a spending problem and having to use her own hard-earned savings to pay off the debt.

I felt bad for the woman but wondered how she had dated someone so long without knowing anything about his true financial situation. Then I remembered I got a similar shock early in my marriage with the late wife.  About four months into our marriage the late wife thought she might be pregnant. It turned out to be a false alarm but that started a conversation about how many kids we wanted and when we wanted to start a family. It was a conversation we never had before that moment. Much to my surprise the late wife said she only wanted to have one or two kids.

I was shocked. Because we shared very similar religious and cultural backgrounds I had always assumed that the late wife wanted a large family. In the two years we dated it never occurred to me to ask if she wanted something different. When she said she wanted a small family, I was literally speechless. It took a couple of days before I was able to pick the conversation back up and talk about the reasons she felt the way she did.

The fact she wanted a small family wasn’t a deal breaker. We still had a good marriage and I hoped that maybe after a child or two that perhaps she’d want a third. However, I was kicking myself for not having this conversation early in our relationship. I still would have married the late wife had I known early on about her family preferences but it would have helped me set expectations of what our future family would look like and avoided some difficult moments early in our marriage.

It’s a mistake I didn’t make the second time around. After Marathon Girl and I realized that we had a long-term future together, we had an in-depth conversation about when we wanted to start a family and how many kids we wanted to have. There was no way I was going to get surprised again. We also had detailed conversations about finances, religion, and lots of other personal topics. At first these conversations were difficult to have because I didn’t want to consider the possibility that there might be a deal breaker lurking out there somewhere. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Marathon Girl and didn’t want an ugly truth getting in the way of a life together. But based on my past experience I didn’t want any surprises after we were married. I knew that it was better to find out these things early on and decide whether or not I could live with them then find out later.

Whether you’re new to a relationship with a widower or dating one for a long time, it’s never too late to have these kinds of conversations. The sooner you have them the better. If you have doubts about what the widower tells you, don’t be afraid to verify what he says is true. Make sure his actions back up what he says. Don’t let fear stop you from having them because it’s better to find out now than later.

As for the woman who discovered the truth about her husband’s financial situation, the latest update email I received from her is that she doesn’t know if the marriage is going to last. Her husband got defensive when she brought up the debt. They’re going to marriage counseling and she’s willing to help pay off the debts and work on the marriage but only on the condition that he changes his spending habits. Right now she doesn’t know if that’s going to happen.

She’s learning her lesson the hard way. I hope its pain and heartache everyone else can avoid.

Widower Wednesday: Success Stories: Crystal

Over the holidays there was six engagement announcements from the GOWS on the Dating a Widower Facebook page. Because Widower Wednesday columns tend to focus on problems rather than more positive moments, I asked the ladies to share their success stories. Over the next several weeks you'll read some of their stories. It is my hope is that you'll find them inspirational and educational.

Here's the first success story.

Crystal's Story

I was divorced at the age of 25 with a 4 year old and had decided to wait a couple years before dating again. When that time came around I had heard about online dating websites but had never actually used one. So I signed up and made a really quick profile and within two days I received an email from my widower.

 I read his profile which indicated that he was a W with two young children aged seven and one. I met him for dinner a week later. Within two months I moved into his home, left my job and became a stay at home mom. The reason behind all this, was the children were suffering. I became “Mom” quickly and we seemed to skip over every milestone a normal relationship would have. It's as if we went from dating for two months to being married with 3 children full time under the age of seven. My widower had lost his late wife 12 weeks after the birth of their daughter, so only eight months after she passed was I living in his home.

Things were difficult for the first year and trying in every aspect. Grief from my widower and his son, raising a new baby girl, blending a family, on top of my health spiraling out of control. I was patient, kind and respectful the first year, helped with date of death memorials and the spreading of late ashes, but I could have done better. I was very short, quiet, and even angry at times whenever someone would mention her name, or a memory of her. In short that was my own insecurities, not feeling good enough when really they just missed her.

Counseling, talking things out and never giving up on each other is what pushed us through the last three years. I give my everything and so does he. Anytime we have an issue, I would talk about it, sometimes not in the best way, sometimes I was very hurtful and sometimes so was he without trying to be. It has all been worth it, every tear, every fight, every discussion, every tough decision and every night that I lay awake wondering if I am doing everything right.

On Christmas 2014, the kids, the widower, and I opened our presents and as I was cleaning up the widower went outside. I didn't realize or even pay attention to what he was doing, I kept cleaning and he entered through the front door and said, “Hey kids, time for Mom to open her last gift.”

I looked up and he was down on one knee next to the kids with tears filling up in his eyes.

He said "Crystal, Will you please marry me?"

I balled my eyes out and couldn't even speak, he slipped the ring on my finger and I kissed and hugged him saying "YES!" Needles to say two-and-a-half years of being patient, being kind, loving each other to the fullest and making our children first priority lead us to that day.

Please ladies give them time, give them love, be patient, speak about what bothers you but not in a way that attacks but in a way that gives them an example of what it feels like to be in your shoes. Love is key.

Widower Wednesday: What Red Flags Should I Look for When Dating a Widower?

Recently I received an email from a GOW who had just started dating a widower. Though the relationship was still in the early stages, she wanted to know what red flags she should be on the lookout for so she could know if he was ready to move on or not.

I’ve previously posted a list of red flags that anyone dating a widower should be aware of. While that list covers the biggest, most common ones, it doesn’t take into account other warning signs that the widower may not be ready to move on or individual circumstances, wants, and needs that come with each relationship. So, here are three things GOWs can do to see if there are other red flags they should be worried about.

1. Know What You Want in a Relationship

Before you can identify other red flags in any relationship, it’s important to know what you’re looking for when it comes to a man. You need to have a good idea what values you want a potential partner and what behavior you expect from him before you can identify red flags. Once you know what you want, compare that list to the widower’s values and actions. Do you feel that he loves and respects you or do you feel mistreated and unsure if how he feels about you? Mark anything that doesn’t line up with what you expect as a possible red flag.

2. Figure Out if You're Making Grief-Related Excuses for His Behavior

After you've identified potential red flags, take a step back and see if you’re making grief-related excuses for his behavior. You determine if you're putting up with a widower's actions, comments, and behavior that you wouldn't tolerate from a divorced of single man. If you are, you need to stop making excuses for his behavior. Allowing someone to misbehave for any reason is simply going to encourage them to keep doing it. You need to put your foot down and start treating him like you would any other guy you'd date and see if he's willing to move on or not.

3. Decide What You Can and Can't Live With

After going through the first two steps, take a long, honest look at the widower and decide if he was to stay exactly the same person as he is today (red flags and all), could you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? Not everyone is going to line up perfectly with what we want in a spouse. What you need to decide is if the red flags you've identified are things you can live with or deal breakers. If you can't live with them, then you need to decide how much more time and energy you're willing to invest in the relationship that's not going anywhere.

Don't be afraid to walk away from a relationship that's not going anywhere. Breaking up isn't fun or easy, but in the long run it beats staying in a relationship that's not going anywhere. Have the courage to be honest with yourself and the widower about any red flags. You'll both be better off for it.

Widower Wednesday: Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend

Note: I've got a fun announcement coming out Monday. If you want to be the first to know about it, sign up for my newsletter.

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Dana posted the following comment on a recent Widower Wednesday post.

I am a widower and want to know if it is OK to propose to my girlfriend and give her the engagement diamond I bought 30 years ago for my first wife.  It is large, beautiful, and I was planning to get it set in something my girlfriend would adore.  The diamond is special to me (more than any new store-bought one could ever be) and has been a token of my love for 30+ years.  Thoughts?

The diamond probably has a lot of meaning to you but it's probably not going to have the same sentimental value to your girlfriend. This isn't a diamond that your grandmother had or even your mother had.  We're talking about a diamond that was worn by your late wife.

Think about that.

Would you wear a wedding band that your girlfriends ex or late husband would have worn? Wouldn't you rather have something that was meant something to you?

Your girlfriend is a different person. If you're going to ask her to spend the rest of her life with you, the least you can do is give her a new diamond or other precious stone—something that has special meaning for her.  You're starting a new chapter in your life. There's no reason to make your past life a part of it.

As for your late wife's diamond, keep is somewhere special and safe and don't let the feelings, emotions, or memories that come with it interfere with your new relationship.

Widower Wednesday: Trigger Warnings

Recently on the Dating a Widower Facebook group, there was a thread from a GOW worried how often the W might be forced to think about the late wife. The reason for her concern was that there were people with the same name as the late wife, places, and other things that could trigger a memory of her or their times together. When asked about whether or not it triggered memories of the past, the widower shrugged it off and said it wasn’t a big deal. The GOW wanted to know if he was telling the truth or sparing her feelings.

Here’s my take: Everyone has something that will trigger certain memories or emotions.  A song, for example, might bring back memories from high school, a first kiss or dance, or a vacation. For others a smell might trigger memories of grandmother’s house, a stay in the hospital, or a job. Some of these memories might be good. Other times the memory might be bad. The point is that everyone, including widowers, has them.

There could be 100 different things that set off a memory of time with late wife. But so what? There’s nothing a GOW or WOW can do about memory triggers. They happen whether we want them to or not.

The bigger concern should be how does the widower deal with memory triggers? Unless his loss is recent (18 months or less), most widowers are able to deal with these the same way other people do: they relive the memory for a second or two and then go on with their life. Once or twice a week something might trigger a memory of my past life with the late wife but 99.9 percent of the time no one knows that such an event has ever happened. But nearly 100 times a week I’ll have something trigger a memory about Marathon Girl or my kids.

And that’s the way it should be.

For example last night our five-year-old son came into our room sleep walking. After I put him back in bed, I had a short conversation with Marathon Girl about our oldest kid and how he used to sleep walk and how that freaked us out the first time it happened. One the way home from work I drove past an apartment complex that Marathon Girl and I lived in for a year. That triggered some nice memories. Then at work earlier in the day I overheard a co-worker telling someone else a story about her kids that sent a cascade of memories of my own children through my mind. Nothing happened to trigger a memory of my past life.

So unless triggers put him in a funk or get him talking incessantly about his past, stop worrying about it. Instead work on creating memories with him so that when he hears a song or sees something it reminds him about his new life instead of his old one. The time you spend together, the more triggers you’ll create.