Widower Wednesday: Reality Has a Way of Intruding

The first chapter of The Ultimate Dating Guide to Widowers tells the story of Joe Biden who lost his wife and daughter to an automobile accident a month after being elected U.S. Senator from Delaware. I picked Biden’s story to lead off the book because of all the famous, remarried widowers I researched it seemed that he had done the best job of putting his life together and moving on. At a time when it would have been easy to give up on life and being a father tow his two surviving sons, he managed to rebuild his life in a remarkable and spectacular way.

But even the best, most inspiring stories don’t always have a happy ending. Even those who have managed to overcome one tragedy often have others. In Biden’s case his son, Beau, died Saturday of brain cancer at the age of 46.

Two weeks before his son’s death, and knowing that his son didn’t have long to live, Biden gave a very personal commencement speech to Yale graduates. As part of the speech he said “I’ve observed that most people who are successful and happy remembered a third thing:  Reality has a way of intruding.” Biden then went on to tell his story including this bit:

I can remember my mother — a sweet lady — looking at me, after we left the hospital, and saying, Joey, out of everything terrible that happens to you, something good will come if you look hard enough for it.  She was right.

Prayers and thoughts are with the Biden family during this time. And for the rest of us, I hope that we can all find something good when reality intrudes on our lives. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking.

You can watch Biden’s speech below (forward to 1:10:00) or read a transcript of his speech here.

The Yale College Class Day exercises will feature an address by U.S. Vice President Joe Biden on Sunday, May 17, 2015.

Sex and the Grieving Widower

I got a couple of mentions in a Huffington Post article titled "Sex and the Grieving Widower."

Women who date widowers are sometimes stunned when an actively grieving man presses eagerly for sex. Our culture mandates no "correct" grieving process, and grieving is unique to every individual, but most experts agree that men and women mourn in different ways. Women are less likely than men to seek comfort in sex while grief endures, says a writer at hellogrief.org, citing one reason why a women who is dating a widower "might be amazed that he wants to make love to you."

Silent brooding, isolation, and even anger are stock elements of male behavior, while women tend to "talk it out" with close friends. Support systems are emblematic of the female experience; men do not cultivate support structures in the same way women do.

***

Abel Keogh, author of The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers, believes that a widower's impulse to find someone new is ultimately sex-related. "When it comes to sex," he writes, "most widowers find themselves in a tough spot. When their wife passed on, so did regular sex. The desire for sex is one of the reasons widowers start dating again."

***

Recently I posed the question of sex as therapy, distraction, or denial to a friend who was widowed some years ago at the age of 57. He seemed surprised at the question. "A man's grief doesn't mean he stops thinking like a man," he said. "Sex is -- what we do."

Read the full article at the Huffington Post.

Widower Wednesday: 3 Things Widowers Shouldn’t Do on a Date

A recent experience shared on the Dating a Widower Facebook group started a lively discussion about what widowers shouldn't do on dates. Though I think the following three are obvious to most people, I’m putting them out there in case there is a person or two who needs a quick dating etiquette reminder.

1.       Don’t Bring Your Late Wife on the Date.

While we all carry around bits and pieces of those we love and have loved in our heart and minds, it’s better to leave physical reminders about that person at home. That includes photos of the late wife, a small portion of her ashes in a small container, or other objects, like rings, that her ashes or other body parts have been used to construct. It’s tacky and gross to take those on a date. If you inadvertently bring one of these things along with you, don’t show it off. If you happen to show it to the woman you’re with, she’s not going to like it. She’ll probably be offended, grossed out, and/or appalled by it. Don’t be surprised if she grabs her purse and takes off on a dead sprint.

2.       Don’t Take Photos of the Aforementioned Objects While on the Date

Cell phones make it easy to take photos. So if you happen to violate rule number 1, DON’T take a picture of one of the aforementioned objects while on a date. Don’t do when your date is present. Don’t do it when she heads off to the restroom. It doesn't matter if the restaurant you’re eating at or the place you’re visiting meant something to you and the late wife. Just. Don’t. Do. It. There will always be more opportunities to take photos. A date with someone else is neither the time nor the place for it. Take them at a later time.

3.       Don’t Post the Photo on Social Media

Tools like Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and Snapchat, make it easy to share photos with friends, family, and the entire human race. If you violate rule #1 and rule #2, DO NOT post the photo on social media with comments about how much the place you were at meant so much to you and the late wife and how much you miss her. This is especially important if the woman you’re dating with you is friends or follows you on the social media account you post it on. Awkward doesn't begin to describe the situation you've put yourself and your date in. Also, don’t plan on another date with that person.

Avoiding these three mistakes is good for a widower’s dating life and physical survival. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict someone for breaking to a homicidal fury after breaking all three rules. Proceed with caution should one choose to ignore this advice.

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Can you think of other things that a widower shouldn't do on a date? Have your own horror story about something a widower did while dating you? Leave them in the comments below.

Where's Abel? At #Storymakers15

I'll be at the Storymakers writing conference this week. Thursday I'll be teaching a publication workshop and Saturday at 4:30 p.m. at the Utah Valley Convention Center in Provo, Utah. I'll be participating in the state's biggest book signing with the following authors:

The signing is open to the public so feel free to stop by if you're in the area. If you're part of the conference, I'll see you there.

Room for Two Chinese Edition

For those who speak Chinese or know someone who does, Room for Two has now been translated into that language.  You can find the Kindle version here. 

Many thanks to the translators and editors at Fiberead for their hard word.

Widower Wednesday: Jacy's Story

Here's another widower relationships success story. Thanks for sending Jacy.

My widower was friends with my brother in middle and high school in Oklahoma, so I've known him for over half my life. He moved to California in his early twenties and got married. His late wife was manic depressive and bi polar.

From what I've heard their relationship was tumultuous. There was a big argument between them in November 2012 which almost caused a divorce but they were able to work things out. W got a job offer back here in Oklahoma and they decided to move here to save their marriage and have more support.

One month to the day of moving here, his late wife shot herself June of 2013. I don't fully know why as I've never asked and feel like it's not my place.

At the time of the late wife’s passing, my brother was in the middle of a bi polar unhinging—so to speak—and I had not seen or spoken to him in a couple months. He wanted me to come to W’s mom's house in the days before the funeral, but I felt like it wasn't the place for a "family reunion"

My sister-in-law brought W’s two girls, aged 1 and 3, to my house for a day of swimming while W and my brother cleaned and moved out of the house. I instantly fell in love with them and knew I wanted them in my life. I thought I could be like an aunt to them. At the time, I was a director at a daycare and told her to tell w that if he decided he needed child care that I would make sure his girls were taken care of. T

hree weeks later, I got a call from W. It was the beginning of July. It was also the first time I had seen him in 15 years or so. When he walked in, it was like God whispered in my ear, "There he is." By August we were casually dating and October we moved in together. I don't know how, I just knew he was the one.

It was rough in the beginning as he was still going thru the stages of grief. I tried to not let it bother me because it was so soon after her passing. I had mental timelines set of when I would no longer put up with something and if he didn't change on his own or after I talked to him, then I would be done.

Christmas was rough because it was their first Christmas without her. W cried and didn't speak much during the day. Quite frankly, I was pissed that my Christmas was spent watching him cry. Later he told me that he was upset because watching his girls’ happy faces he wondered how his late wife would want to leave them. I told myself it WAS the first Christmas without her so I choose to let it go.

June 2014 was 1 year since she died. That day was hard for me. I felt like I was being settled for. But after that day, he was a completely different man. He is very good about making sure that I know I'm number one.

Here are two things that have attributed to our success:

• Don't ask questions you really don't want the answer to. Some things are better left unknown.
• Quit nit picking. Just enjoy the here and now. If it bothers you, speak up. He probably doesn't even realize he is doing it. On the other hand ask yourself why it bothers you? Really dig deep as to what the answer is before you speak.

I've had to let a lot of things go because I decided it was more my issue than his. I know he thinks about her and misses her but I also know that I take front and center today. In the beginning, I told myself that I had to get used to talk about her because there are two little girls who need to remember their mommy in heaven in a good light because eventually, the truth will come out.

Widower Wednesday: Jodi's Story

Occasionally I like to highlight reader success stories when it comes to widower relationships. Today's story comes from Jodi. Enjoy!

I met J when I went to work as a nurse in the hospital he worked at. He was married at the time and we always had a good working relationship and were friendly towards each other. Through the grapevine at work I heard that his wife at the time had battled cancer on and off. Soon she became very ill with another type of cancer. I left my job at the hospital shortly after, though we remained friends on social media. When his wife passed, I was truly sad for him and his daughter and expressed my condolences to him through social media.

About 11 months after his late wife had passed, he would occasionally send me messages on Facebook. We agreed to go on a date a couple of months later. His late wife had been gone just shy of a year and a half at this point. I was not sure what to expect from him as I had never dated a widower before and always said I would not. We had a great time as he was always a funny and sweet man. We started seeing each other and soon developed strong feelings toward each other. I asked several times if he was truly ready to date and he said he was. He dated some casually before me, though not much and nothing real serious.

The night he told me he loved me for the first time, he started out by telling me that he still loved the late wife and thought about and missed her every day. He said if he could get her back, he would. He followed this statement by telling me he loved me.

I was totally confused. I loved this man and wanted him to love me too. I did tell him I loved him but because of what he said I was not sure where this left me. I cried myself to sleep that night after he fell asleep.

The next day I called him to break things off. Based on what he said the night before, I did not feel he was truly ready and how could he really love me if he still felt that way for late wife? There was also much drama with his 21-year-old daughter who felt that he should live with her, his family, and the memories of the late wife. He was very upset and begged me not to break things off, saying he was only trying to be honest with me and that late wife was gone, he was not still "in love" with her as he could not be "in love" with a deceased woman. He promised me that he was in love with me and wanted to share a life together. As far as his daughter was concerned, she would be a work in progress and he felt he should do what made him happy. I decided to stay and see how things turned out, against what my gut was telling me. My heart was saying something totally different and I was sure I would end up a broken heart again and left to deal with my stupidity. 

We did have some bumps in the road here and there. I would not go to his home as he told me that pictures of the late wife were up still, some of her clothes still hanging in his closet, and what sounded like a shrine to the late wife that included a urn with her ashes, a leather bound book from her memorial service, and a picture of her on an antique table in his home. Plus his daughter lived at home and was nothing short of a spoiled, drama queen who wanted no other woman in her mother’s home. I told him I would not deal with this stuff and did not want to see the late wife everywhere. If he was ready to share his life with someone else, this stuff should be packed away. I bought the book Dating a Widower and shared it with J. We both read and discussed it and he could see where I was coming from. He agreed to make changes at his home but had to do so slowly as not to upset his daughter too much. 

We discussed marriage and I informed him that I would not accept a proposal from him until all of the late wife things were taken care of in his home. He took down pictures, bagged up the late wife’s clothes for his daughter to go through then donate. He was to put the "shrine" in his daughter’s room.

I made it very clear to J that I would never accept being put second to late wife nor would I tolerate him letting his daughter disrespect me or my daughter or treat us badly. He never did any of this. He did put us first and moved on with a life with me, despite major objections from his daughter. She has chosen to stay away and not involve herself in his life. While it is hard for him not to have her in his life, he has moved on. The rest of his family was very supportive of whatever made him happy. 

We were married four days ago and we could not be happier. We have very few late wife issues because he has moved on to a life with me. He always puts me first. He has told me that he loves me more than he ever loved anyone else, no exceptions and I believe him. We will have struggles—all marriages do—but those will most likely have nothing to do with his former widower status or late wife issues.

Widower Wednesday: Moving On

Remember: You don’t need the understanding of others to move on from all the bad things life throws at you. Moving forward requires you to act.

Moving on means getting your butt in gear and making changes. Acting like a victim isn't going to change or improve your circumstances.

Widower Wednesday: What to do if the Widower Your Dating Has Red Flags

I'm traveling for work this week so this post will be a quick one.

Often I'll get emails or read posts on the Dating a Widower Facebook group about red flags GOWs see they see as they get to know their widower better. It could be that he has photos of the late wife up, is still wearing his wedding ring, or won't tell friends or family about the new lady in his life. When a red flag emerges, many times the natural reaction is to wonder if the widower is ready for a relationship or should even be dating again.

Red flags don't mean a relationship is doomed. What it means that there are some issues that need to be discussed and worked on before things can continue moving forward. For example, I had several red flags when Marathon Girl started dating me:

• I wore my wife's wedding ring on a necklace around my neck.
• I had only been widowed 6 months when we started dating.
• There were pictures of the late wife in my house.

Marathon Girl could have walked away from the relationship when these red flags came up. (And to be honest, I wouldn't have blamed her for doing just that.) Thankfully she was willing to see what I would do to alleviate her concerns before she bailed. She let me know the photos made her uncomfortable. The next time she came over, they were gone from the living room and kitchen of my house. In the following weeks they came down from other rooms in the house. When it came to the wedding ring, she let me know that that she didn't think I was ready to move on and let me decide if I valued the ring more than here. As for the short time being widowed, there wasn't much she could do about that other than make sure I was showing progress when it came to put the past life behind me and start making a new one with her.

So if your widower has a red flag, the first thing you need decide whether or not he's worth hanging around for. If you are, then you need to be able to talk to him about the issues and let him know what he needs to do before the relationship can continue moving forward. Finally, you give him a reasonable amount of time to make the changes. (Note: A reasonable amount of time isn't years. At the high end two or three months is sufficient for most red flags.) Some changes can be made quickly. Others may take some time. What you want to see is that he's figuring out solutions and making progress instead of making excuses why things aren't changing.

Remember that men show love through their actions not their words. Widowers who are serious about you and the relationship will figure out a way to resolve your concerns and put you first. If you find that the red flags persist after you bring up the issues, then it's time to move on. 

Widower Wednesday: Never Assume. Always Verify.

It's dangerous to make assumptions about the person you’re dating. At some point you need to have in-depth conversations about finances, family, personal values and beliefs, faith, and other important topics to see if there are anything that you can't live with. Yet I’ll often see women who marry widowers or have been dating a widower for years who don't have or refuse to have these conversations and end up with nasty surprises years down the road.

For example, I recently received an email from a woman who’s only been married to a widower three months. She dated the man for two years and during that time assumed he was financially secure. Yet it wasn’t until after they were married that she realized the widower had blown through the late wife’s life insurance policy and had racked up over $100,000 in consumer debt on various credit cards. When they were dating they never discussed money or finances. She just assumed his job paid well enough to support that lifestyle and now finds herself in the unfortunate situation of being married to someone with a spending problem and having to use her own hard-earned savings to pay off the debt.

I felt bad for the woman but wondered how she had dated someone so long without knowing anything about his true financial situation. Then I remembered I got a similar shock early in my marriage with the late wife.  About four months into our marriage the late wife thought she might be pregnant. It turned out to be a false alarm but that started a conversation about how many kids we wanted and when we wanted to start a family. It was a conversation we never had before that moment. Much to my surprise the late wife said she only wanted to have one or two kids.

I was shocked. Because we shared very similar religious and cultural backgrounds I had always assumed that the late wife wanted a large family. In the two years we dated it never occurred to me to ask if she wanted something different. When she said she wanted a small family, I was literally speechless. It took a couple of days before I was able to pick the conversation back up and talk about the reasons she felt the way she did.

The fact she wanted a small family wasn’t a deal breaker. We still had a good marriage and I hoped that maybe after a child or two that perhaps she’d want a third. However, I was kicking myself for not having this conversation early in our relationship. I still would have married the late wife had I known early on about her family preferences but it would have helped me set expectations of what our future family would look like and avoided some difficult moments early in our marriage.

It’s a mistake I didn’t make the second time around. After Marathon Girl and I realized that we had a long-term future together, we had an in-depth conversation about when we wanted to start a family and how many kids we wanted to have. There was no way I was going to get surprised again. We also had detailed conversations about finances, religion, and lots of other personal topics. At first these conversations were difficult to have because I didn’t want to consider the possibility that there might be a deal breaker lurking out there somewhere. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Marathon Girl and didn’t want an ugly truth getting in the way of a life together. But based on my past experience I didn’t want any surprises after we were married. I knew that it was better to find out these things early on and decide whether or not I could live with them then find out later.

Whether you’re new to a relationship with a widower or dating one for a long time, it’s never too late to have these kinds of conversations. The sooner you have them the better. If you have doubts about what the widower tells you, don’t be afraid to verify what he says is true. Make sure his actions back up what he says. Don’t let fear stop you from having them because it’s better to find out now than later.

As for the woman who discovered the truth about her husband’s financial situation, the latest update email I received from her is that she doesn’t know if the marriage is going to last. Her husband got defensive when she brought up the debt. They’re going to marriage counseling and she’s willing to help pay off the debts and work on the marriage but only on the condition that he changes his spending habits. Right now she doesn’t know if that’s going to happen.

She’s learning her lesson the hard way. I hope its pain and heartache everyone else can avoid.