The latest edition of Room for Two is available in paperback format.
For those unfamiliar with the book, it's the story of the year of my life following my late wife's suicide. Part of the story includes how I met Marathon Girl, fell in love with her, and learned to open my heart to her.
You can read the first three chapters of the book online for free below.
For those wanting signed copies, they will be available in my store in a couple of weeks.
From the inbox comes the following email:
Abel,
Congratulations on your and Marathon Girl’s recent anniversary! It gives me hope that things can move forward with my widower. If I can ask, how are you and Marathon Girl able to make things work? Any secrets you can share would be great. My W and I are going through a rough patch and I really want thing to work out if at all possible.
Best,
D.
D.,
Thanks for reaching out. There’s not really a secret to our marital success. We just put each other first when issues come up and things usually work themselves out. I know that it sounds simple, but it’s the key to any marital relationship.
Most of the time when I get emails from GOWs, WOWs, or widowers themselves asking for relationship advice, it’s because one or both of them aren’t putting the needs of the other person above their own interests, their kids, job, hobbies, etc. Admittedly it’s not always easy to do this and I don’t claim that me and Marathon Girl are prefect at this. However, when we’ve both put each other first the problem or issue in our relationship has generally worked itself out to the point where we can both live with it.
Sometimes this involves Marathon Girl and I talking things through and reaching some sort of compromise. Other times it means one or both of us have to delay or give something up in order for things to work out. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution for every problem or issue a couple may encounter. But if one or both of you don’t have the desire to put the happiness of your partner above your own, the relationship won’t last long. It takes two people learning about each other and growing with each other to give it long-term success.
I hope you can your widower can overcome this rough spot you’re going through and come out with a stronger relationship and more in love with each other in the end.
Hope this helps,
Abel
Me and Marathon Girl November/December 2014
Twelve years ago today me and Marathon Girl tied the knot. Back then we were young, in love, and had only known each other nine months. In many ways hoping beyond hope that our two distinct personalities and interest would continue to mesh into an awesome relationship.
Today we’ve got 12 years’ worth of knowledge and experience and six(!) kids. Looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing. Life as Marathon Girl’s husband has easily been the best 12 years of my life. Parts of the last 12 years have been a crazy, wild ride for both of us but I’m glad Marathon Girl’s been there to take it with me. Here’s to the rest of our lives and eternity together.
Me and Marathon Girl back when we only had 3 kids. Based on the age of the kids, the photo was taken sometime in 2008.
The other day I received an email from a woman who had been dating a widower for three years. Her email was filled with all kind of problems and issues that she had been dealing with from the very first date. From the tone of her email it sounded like she had reached the end of her patience and ability to deal with the photographs of the late wife all over the house, the constant stories about how great their marriage was, and feeling like she always was number two in the widower’s heart.
I replied to her email with once sentence: If things are so bad, why don’t you just end the relationship?
Her response was just as brief: I’ve already invested three years of my life into this relationship. I’ve spent too much time and energy to just give up on it.
I wish that was the first time I heard that answer to the question but it’s one I hear over and over again. Usually the longer the GOWs been in a relationship with a widower, the more likely it is to be a reason for staying in a bad relationship.
It’s easy to deceive ourselves and think that because we’ve put one year, three years, or five years into a relationship so if we just work on it a little longer or have more patience, everything will eventually work itself out.
In economics this kind of thinking is called the sunk cost fallacy. In short, the sunk cost fallacy is that once a person, a business, or a government has invested a lot of resources in something, it’s not worth quitting. You can apply this fallacy to education, sports, relationships, and just about anything else that requires a large investment of your time, energy, and/or money.
Recently I found myself doing my own dance with the sunk cost fallacy. Last month I wrote how my latest writing project had stalled because of a stressful work environment. I had been stressed on the job for some time but kept thinking things would change for the better and I’d start enjoying my job again. Besides, I could list plenty of things that I liked about my job. However, once I sat down and thought things through, I realized what I liked about my job wasn't worth the cost of coming home stressed out, not having the energy to play with the kids or being the kind of husband Marathon Girl needed. So I spent all of my free time looking for a better job, found one two months later, and my life is good again. I’m working two hours a day on my novel and have the time and energy to be there for my kids and Marathon Girl. And the first step to getting to this better place in my life was admitting that my old job was no longer worth it the time and energy I was putting into it.
When it comes to dating a widower, there comes a point where giving the widower one more chance or hoping that he’ll start living in the present is simply a waste of time. How much time it takes may vary depending on the circumstances of the relationship my personal opinion is that people don’t need more than a year to know whether or not a relationship has long-term potential (read marriage or some other lifelong commitment). Anything past that is simply wasted time and energy.
Looking back at my relationships with Marathon Girl and the late wife, I knew very quickly (within months) that they both were someone I could happily spend the rest of my life with. The relationships that didn’t work out I usually dragged out longer than necessary because I or the person I was dating thought things would work out if I just invested more of myself into it things would change.
So if you’ve been dating widower longer than a year and you’re not happy with where it's going, it might be a good time to think through the relationship and decide if all the pain and misery is worth it. Think about more positive things you could be doing with your time and life and decide if it’s worth the tradeoff. The little time we have in this world is a precious gift. It would be a shame to waste any more of it on someone who doesn't have your long-term interests at heart.
From the inbox comes an email with a great question:
Dear Abel,
I’ve read your books and your blogs and have found them very helpful. I am also a member of your Dating a Widower Facebook group and enjoy the sisterhood there and knowing I’m not alone in my issues with a widower. As a result of your writings and the group, I’ve learned how to better communicate with my widowers and set boundaries.
One good thing that has come from all this is that I feel more confident in who I am as a woman. I no longer feel threatened by my widower’s deceased spouse and no longer worry about something I might have done or said if my widower withdraws emotionally or says or does something stupid. I realize that he has his own issues to deal with and that though I can be there to help, he’s the one who has to ultimately work through them. I can’t thank you and my other sisters on the board for helping me see this.
Despite the improved communication and boundary setting, the one big negative is that the widower himself hasn't changed that much or even made progress. Pictures of them still dot the house. He goes of on stories about things they did. I could go on but you get the idea. In short, I can't see a future with him until he can give his heart to me. At this point I want to know what else I can do to help the relationship move forward or is it time to cut my losses and move on?
Thanks,
TP
TP,
I commend you for making great progress when it comes to learning how to communicate and setting boundaries. These are skills that will help you quite about not only in future relationships but with co-workers, friends, and family.
The reality is that communication skills and boundary setting are necessary ingredients for any healthy relationship they only go so far. In the end it takes both parties to put the other person first and make a connection with them. And for some reason your widower doesn't want to do any of heavy lifting. There could be a hundred reasons why he's chosen that path but the reason isn't important right now. Instead, you need to do what's best for you.
It sounds like you've fought the good fight and done everything in your power to make the relationship work but now it's time to move on. You're a better, stronger person now. You deserve better. Cut the ties and be free.
Abel
Several years ago I noticed something different how my kids played games with me. When chasing them or involved in some other activity, instead of calling “time out” when I got to close or they got to tired, they’d hold up their hands vertically so they were parallel with each other and “pause” the game—just like a video game. Even though they don’t spend a lot of time playing games, I found it curious that video games had that much influence on their free play.
In the last couple of months, another video game influence has crept into our playtime—one that never would have crossed my mind when I was a kid. Now when, say I’m a monster and chasing them around the house, I have to tell them what level (read: difficulty) I’m playing at.
It started during Christmas break. The kids built a big fort out of the couch cushions. I saw it and decided to attack it. The kids thought this was lots of fun. However, after the kids beat me back a couple of times the oldest (a 10-year-old boy) said: “Dad, you’re not a very hard monster. Why don’t you level up.”
“What do you mean?” I said.
“You know, be a harder monster. Go up to a level or two. Right now you’re playing like a level one. You’re too easy to beat.”
It took me a second to realize what my oldest son was asking me to do. In many of the video games he likes to play, enemy combatants or monsters start out easy but get progressively harder as his character and skill level improves. He wants me to do the same thing.
Needless to say the other kids thought this was a great idea as they rebuilt the fort, they told me to come back with a higher level.
So I came back as a level three monster. I was harder to beat but the kids still managed to take me down. Then I came back as a level four monster. Then level five. Then level six. We played until I came back as a level 20 monster. It took them several minutes but they finally managed to take the monster down. By that time we were all sweaty and exhausted. I told the kids that level 20 was as high as this monster could go today and that they were awesome for beating such a strong monster.
I didn’t give the leveling up thing a second thought until two days later when they kids asked me to be the monster and chase them around the house. After I agreed to play, the six-year-old son asked what level I was starting out on and how high my levels went. Now before I play any kind of chase or monster game with them I have to let them know what level I’m starting at and how high my levels go.
Admittedly, this has made playing these kinds of games much more fun to play. With each level I come up with some new and exciting powers that the kids don’t know about and they in turn have to figure out how to deal with. Apparently this makes it more fun for the kids to play too because ever since we started doing this the requests to be a monster or chase them around the house has gone up dramatically.
Though I still restrict how much time my kids play video games, I have to tip my hat to them for pulling some game ideas over into the real world.
I can’t wait to see what video game themes they bring over into our next game.
A widower finds himself in a tough situation with his adult daughters:
I am kind of at a loss. My grown daughters, 45 and 41 are not doing well with my new relationship. Me and a woman have been together for a little over two years and have recently become engaged.
I guess I don't know how to talk to my daughters. I feel like I am being judged when trying to talk to them. . I had asked them if they would go to counseling with me and they acted like they would but when it came down to it, nothing. When my younger daughter finally came to one of my counseling sessions she talked the whole time and was upset when the counselor told her she needed some help. They probably need some grief counseling but they seem to use their circle of friends as their support group and so their friends seem to side with them.
Any ideas on how I can talk to them?
J
J,
One of the sad lessons I've learned over the years is that if people don't want to change, there's not much you can do for them. For example, a drug or alcohol addict will keep using and abusing their substance of choice until they hit rock bottom and want to change their lives. I know people who will lie, cheat, and steal every chance they get because they get a because they haven't been given a sufficient reason to change their behavior. Your daughters are adults. For better or worse, they can make their own decisions. Unfortunately, unless you're daughter want to change and have a reason to make a change, it's not going to happen.
That being said, you've tried to help them and they've refused. You've tried to talk to them and they won't listen. So stop putting your life on hold and concentrate on making the life with your fiancé the best it can be. I'm not suggesting you cut your daughters out of your life, but I do suggest you stop waiting for their permission or them to move on in order to live your life or for you and your fiancé to be happy.
It's a good thing you've fallen in love again. It's a good thing you're engaged. It's a good thing the new woman in your life makes you happy. Make her the center of your universe. And if others won't be happy for you, that's their problem. You've got a life to live. Make the most of it.
Hope this helps,
Abel
From the inbox, a recent widower writes:
Abel
I've been widowed almost one year and have read most of your blogs, and your book Dating a Widower, so I could both prepare myself for, and be able to diagnose, any issues as I embarked on this next phase of life. I'm in my early fifties and my wife of more than 20 years passed away after an 18-month battle with cancer. I have two children who are both young adults.
With the support of the kids, I began dating in September and over the past four months have had numerous dates, most of which were pretty good. It took me some time to get comfortable with the process, but I had done the introspection and knew I could open my heart (to coin a phrase). I was ready and there have been no issues in that regard throughout the dating process.
Recently, I've had two situations where I was on second/third dates with the same person where they expressed concern over being the first "relationships" since I've been single. The dates had gone fine; we had connected well and I was getting a sense that things had potential to move forward into something greater. I found it concerning that, in two specific cases, things ended because they couldn't get past the thought that they were headed towards rebound relationships.
I suppose it could be a function of their own journey's (both divorces) but not sure if you or your reading population have experienced anything like this. It's as if a widower needs a resume of failed relationships to get others comfortable that they're in a good place and ready to build a life with someone. Dating in middle age is a challenge on many fronts, but this particular issue has me baffled as to how I approach the topic, or more appropriately, deal with the concerns. I've actually said to judge me on my actions not my past, but to no avail.
Sorry for the ramble but really perplexed. Thoughts?
P.
P.
Thanks for reaching out. Sorry to hear about your wife but glad that you’re moving forward. It’s good that your kids are supportive of you dating again. That always makes it easier.
First, I’m glad you’re doing some research and doing your best to go into the next chapter as prepared as you can be to deal with some of the possible challenges that lie ahead. While it probably won't solve every issue, it will certainly help you avoid the most common mistakes widowers make when they get back in the dating game.
Second, the concerns that the women have about being a rebound relationship is normal. I recieve lots of emails from women who have just started dating a widower and are worried that he’s not ready to move on. Even if they see potential in the relationship, they don't want to be the rebound girl.
The best way to deal with this concern, in my experience, is to acknowledge that their concern is legitimate and you’d feel the same way if you were in their shoes. Then assuming you feel this way, tell them you’re willing to take things at whatever speed they’re comfortable with if they feel like moving forward. What’s important is that you’re honest them about your feelings and intentions about wanting to move forward and the speed you're willing to do so.
Just keep in mind that dating a widower isn’t for everyone. Some women will think it over and simply won't want to deal with it. There's nothing you, me, or anyone else can do about that. You’re doing the right thing by dating as often as you feel comfortable. Eventually you’ll find someone who’s willing to move forward with a widower and will be willing to give you that chance you’re looking for.
Hope this helps,
Abel
For those who would like personalized copies of my books, I (finally!) have a new store up and running on my site. Some things to know about the store and ordering books:
Thanks and happy ordering.
Abel
Room for Two is now available in the ebook formats listed below:
And, of course, it's always been available for the Kindle.