An Overdue Update

Since it’s been a while since I’ve blogged, several readers have emailed me over the last week or two asking if everything is okay. I appreciate the concern and am happy to report that, yes, everything is fine. Great actually. Life is just really, really busy. So busy, in fact, that blogging is one of many things that have fallen to the side. That being said, I find myself with a few minutes to provide a brief update on book, life, and a few other things.

• Chronos update: The book as gone through its first editor. It was a bruising edit but it came back with a lot of good suggestions and feedback. I’m currently one third of the way through the revision process before the book will be handed over to a second editor. I wish I had all day to write so I could make faster progress but I do my best to make the most out of the 60-90 minutes of writing time I get each day. I don’t know when the book will be done but I’m doing my best to have it available this year.
   
• Until I get this book out the door, I’m putting the Widower Wednesday columns on hold. I am still answering emails. So if you have a widower-related issue, feel free to email me or join the Dating a Widower group on Facebook (for girlfriends and wives of widowers) or the Widowers Dating Again group (for widowers who are dating again, remarried, etc.).
   
• Marathon Girl and I are expecting our seventh, and final, child in November. A girl. And for the first time we’re actually close to agreeing on a name before the child is born. The kids are excited to have a little sister. Marathon Girl is exhausted. I’m just trying to fill in and help out the best I can until the baby comes.
   
• I’ll be speaking at the 2015 Wyoming Suicide Prevention Conference next month as well as holding a workshop. Details of the speech and workshop can be found in the link.
   
• I started a new marketing job at the beginning of the year. I love it. The work is challenging and it keeps my mind engaged and it doesn’t come with all the craziness and long hours of the old job. Marathon Girl likes the fact I usually come home in a good mood.
   
• I’ve been running more than I have in a long time. If I keep to my schedule I should pass the 1,000 mile mark on Saturday. If I keep up the pace, I should hit around 1,300 miles by year’s end. And, no, I’m not running or training for any races. I’m simply running that much because I love it and it’s good for my mental health.
   
• And though I don’t have time to blog on a regular basis right now, you can always follow me on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. Until I get back to blogging, it’s the easiest way to get a quick snippet of what’s going on.

That’s all for now. More later.

Widower Wednesday: Shanta’s Story

Every relationship has its own struggles, and being in a relationship with a widower presents its own set of challenges. My fiancé Sherman lost his wife after 15 years of marriage. She died at the young age of 41 to cancer and it was the most difficult thing he had ever been through. When I met him, I really didn’t understand how to act or what to say in the beginning of our relationship as I had not spent much time around widowers or for that matter ever dated a widower, but I was willing to try.

How We Met

I met Sherman in December of 2014 when I received a Facebook friend request on December 14, 2014. I was at my church Christmas banquet. I accepted his friend request because I knew him, but didn’t know him. I then received a message from him that read --- “Good evening Ms. Bender. I hope all is well with you this evening. I would love to have a conversation with you when the time permits. I hope you are as eager to speak to me as I am to you. If not I guess I will just have to wait patiently.”

I responded. When Sherman sent me the message, I knew he was a widower, so I thought he needed the CD with all the photographs from the family session, but that was not the case. When Sherman called me that night after I sent him my phone number, I remember him asking was I single. I told him yes and afterwards, I remember asking him if he remembered me and he then asked did I know him. I told him I didn’t know him, but I told him I was his family photographer in September of 2013. But he didn’t remember me immediately. With that being said, I initially met Sherman and his family in September of 2013. I remember first meeting up with the late wife, children, and maternal grandmother on that day [Sherman showed up close to sunset time] at the Railroad Park in Birmingham, Alabama for their family portraits and they were one of the sweetest most awesome families I’ve ever had the pleasure to photograph! 

On December 17, 2014, Sherman and I met at BRIO Tuscan Grille and things went from there. On July 10, 2015, Sherman proposed and I said YES! I never would have thought in a million years that I would be with a widower and surely he never imagined his life would pan out like this; but we are proof that you simply cannot plan life, or choose who you fall in love with, or when. We are now engaged and are getting married in 2016 and we are very excited about our future together.

Tips and Advice for Dating a Widower

Accept their past, be patient with extended family and be aware that extended family members may struggle to accept you. Also, communicate about your feelings! Put God at the center of your relationship, pray about your feelings– being honest with God and your mate about how you feel. Your relationship can both thrive! A relationship with a widower is really just a relationship with an ordinary man!

Widower Wednesday: Creating an Online Dating Profile

Recently I’ve heard some dating horror stories from GOWs who met a widower through one of the many online dating sites. Since I only used an online dating site briefly before Marathon Girl came into my life, I don’t have a lot of experience on how things have changed. So with the help of the ladies on the Dating a Widower Facebook group who have met widowers online, here are some suggestions to creating a profile that will help your prospects of getting a date.

• Be honest. This one seems like a no-brainer but you need to be honest—even when you’re worried that being widowed might scare some prospects away. If you’ve only been widowed three months, let them know. If you’re just looking for a causal relationship, say so. Be honest about your age, height, and everything else. It doesn’t matter how minor of a detail it is. As they say, the truth will set you free. Dishonesty will only get you kicked to the curb once the truth comes out. And the truth will eventually come out.
• Post a recent picture. Don’t post one from your wedding day with the late wife cropped out or one from five years ago. Post one that was taken in the last couple of months. Make sure you’re not wearing a wedding ring in the photo. Also don’t post any photos of the late wife, her tombstone or anything else she was fond of. This is about you moving forward, not reliving the past.
• Be brief about the late wife. It’s okay to say how long you were married, how the late wife passed, and how long you’ve been widowed but keep it short and to the point. Don’t lead with it. There will be more time to talk about the late wife when the time is right.
• Don’t focus on your past. Everyone has a history but for some reason widowers tend to focus more than other on it. Don’t make this mistake. Talking about how much you love her and miss her will only scare women away and let them know you’re not ready to move on. Instead focus more on your hobbies, likes, and interests. Better yet, instead of just listing them out tell a story about a hike or some other trip you went on. Talk about your kids, employment, or something that makes you unique but doesn’t focus on the past. Show the women out there you’re an interesting person and ready to start a new chapter in your life.

Good luck.

Widower Wednesday: Reality Has a Way of Intruding

The first chapter of The Ultimate Dating Guide to Widowers tells the story of Joe Biden who lost his wife and daughter to an automobile accident a month after being elected U.S. Senator from Delaware. I picked Biden’s story to lead off the book because of all the famous, remarried widowers I researched it seemed that he had done the best job of putting his life together and moving on. At a time when it would have been easy to give up on life and being a father tow his two surviving sons, he managed to rebuild his life in a remarkable and spectacular way.

But even the best, most inspiring stories don’t always have a happy ending. Even those who have managed to overcome one tragedy often have others. In Biden’s case his son, Beau, died Saturday of brain cancer at the age of 46.

Two weeks before his son’s death, and knowing that his son didn’t have long to live, Biden gave a very personal commencement speech to Yale graduates. As part of the speech he said “I’ve observed that most people who are successful and happy remembered a third thing:  Reality has a way of intruding.” Biden then went on to tell his story including this bit:

I can remember my mother — a sweet lady — looking at me, after we left the hospital, and saying, Joey, out of everything terrible that happens to you, something good will come if you look hard enough for it.  She was right.

Prayers and thoughts are with the Biden family during this time. And for the rest of us, I hope that we can all find something good when reality intrudes on our lives. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking.

You can watch Biden’s speech below (forward to 1:10:00) or read a transcript of his speech here.

Sex and the Grieving Widower

I got a couple of mentions in a Huffington Post article titled "Sex and the Grieving Widower."

Women who date widowers are sometimes stunned when an actively grieving man presses eagerly for sex. Our culture mandates no "correct" grieving process, and grieving is unique to every individual, but most experts agree that men and women mourn in different ways. Women are less likely than men to seek comfort in sex while grief endures, says a writer at hellogrief.org, citing one reason why a women who is dating a widower "might be amazed that he wants to make love to you."

Silent brooding, isolation, and even anger are stock elements of male behavior, while women tend to "talk it out" with close friends. Support systems are emblematic of the female experience; men do not cultivate support structures in the same way women do.

***

Abel Keogh, author of The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers, believes that a widower's impulse to find someone new is ultimately sex-related. "When it comes to sex," he writes, "most widowers find themselves in a tough spot. When their wife passed on, so did regular sex. The desire for sex is one of the reasons widowers start dating again."

***

Recently I posed the question of sex as therapy, distraction, or denial to a friend who was widowed some years ago at the age of 57. He seemed surprised at the question. "A man's grief doesn't mean he stops thinking like a man," he said. "Sex is -- what we do."

Read the full article at the Huffington Post.

Widower Wednesday: 3 Things Widowers Shouldn’t Do on a Date

A recent experience shared on the Dating a Widower Facebook group started a lively discussion about what widowers shouldn't do on dates. Though I think the following three are obvious to most people, I’m putting them out there in case there is a person or two who needs a quick dating etiquette reminder.

1.       Don’t Bring Your Late Wife on the Date.

While we all carry around bits and pieces of those we love and have loved in our heart and minds, it’s better to leave physical reminders about that person at home. That includes photos of the late wife, a small portion of her ashes in a small container, or other objects, like rings, that her ashes or other body parts have been used to construct. It’s tacky and gross to take those on a date. If you inadvertently bring one of these things along with you, don’t show it off. If you happen to show it to the woman you’re with, she’s not going to like it. She’ll probably be offended, grossed out, and/or appalled by it. Don’t be surprised if she grabs her purse and takes off on a dead sprint.

2.       Don’t Take Photos of the Aforementioned Objects While on the Date

Cell phones make it easy to take photos. So if you happen to violate rule number 1, DON’T take a picture of one of the aforementioned objects while on a date. Don’t do when your date is present. Don’t do it when she heads off to the restroom. It doesn't matter if the restaurant you’re eating at or the place you’re visiting meant something to you and the late wife. Just. Don’t. Do. It. There will always be more opportunities to take photos. A date with someone else is neither the time nor the place for it. Take them at a later time.

3.       Don’t Post the Photo on Social Media

Tools like Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and Snapchat, make it easy to share photos with friends, family, and the entire human race. If you violate rule #1 and rule #2, DO NOT post the photo on social media with comments about how much the place you were at meant so much to you and the late wife and how much you miss her. This is especially important if the woman you’re dating with you is friends or follows you on the social media account you post it on. Awkward doesn't begin to describe the situation you've put yourself and your date in. Also, don’t plan on another date with that person.

Avoiding these three mistakes is good for a widower’s dating life and physical survival. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict someone for breaking to a homicidal fury after breaking all three rules. Proceed with caution should one choose to ignore this advice.

***

Can you think of other things that a widower shouldn't do on a date? Have your own horror story about something a widower did while dating you? Leave them in the comments below.

Where's Abel? At #Storymakers15

I'll be at the Storymakers writing conference this week. Thursday I'll be teaching a publication workshop and Saturday at 4:30 p.m. at the Utah Valley Convention Center in Provo, Utah. I'll be participating in the state's biggest book signing with the following authors:

The signing is open to the public so feel free to stop by if you're in the area. If you're part of the conference, I'll see you there.

Room for Two Chinese Edition

For those who speak Chinese or know someone who does, Room for Two has now been translated into that language.  You can find the Kindle version here. 

Many thanks to the translators and editors at Fiberead for their hard word.

Widower Wednesday: Jacy's Story

Here's another widower relationships success story. Thanks for sending Jacy.

My widower was friends with my brother in middle and high school in Oklahoma, so I've known him for over half my life. He moved to California in his early twenties and got married. His late wife was manic depressive and bi polar.

From what I've heard their relationship was tumultuous. There was a big argument between them in November 2012 which almost caused a divorce but they were able to work things out. W got a job offer back here in Oklahoma and they decided to move here to save their marriage and have more support.

One month to the day of moving here, his late wife shot herself June of 2013. I don't fully know why as I've never asked and feel like it's not my place.

At the time of the late wife’s passing, my brother was in the middle of a bi polar unhinging—so to speak—and I had not seen or spoken to him in a couple months. He wanted me to come to W’s mom's house in the days before the funeral, but I felt like it wasn't the place for a "family reunion"

My sister-in-law brought W’s two girls, aged 1 and 3, to my house for a day of swimming while W and my brother cleaned and moved out of the house. I instantly fell in love with them and knew I wanted them in my life. I thought I could be like an aunt to them. At the time, I was a director at a daycare and told her to tell w that if he decided he needed child care that I would make sure his girls were taken care of. T

hree weeks later, I got a call from W. It was the beginning of July. It was also the first time I had seen him in 15 years or so. When he walked in, it was like God whispered in my ear, "There he is." By August we were casually dating and October we moved in together. I don't know how, I just knew he was the one.

It was rough in the beginning as he was still going thru the stages of grief. I tried to not let it bother me because it was so soon after her passing. I had mental timelines set of when I would no longer put up with something and if he didn't change on his own or after I talked to him, then I would be done.

Christmas was rough because it was their first Christmas without her. W cried and didn't speak much during the day. Quite frankly, I was pissed that my Christmas was spent watching him cry. Later he told me that he was upset because watching his girls’ happy faces he wondered how his late wife would want to leave them. I told myself it WAS the first Christmas without her so I choose to let it go.

June 2014 was 1 year since she died. That day was hard for me. I felt like I was being settled for. But after that day, he was a completely different man. He is very good about making sure that I know I'm number one.

Here are two things that have attributed to our success:

• Don't ask questions you really don't want the answer to. Some things are better left unknown.
• Quit nit picking. Just enjoy the here and now. If it bothers you, speak up. He probably doesn't even realize he is doing it. On the other hand ask yourself why it bothers you? Really dig deep as to what the answer is before you speak.

I've had to let a lot of things go because I decided it was more my issue than his. I know he thinks about her and misses her but I also know that I take front and center today. In the beginning, I told myself that I had to get used to talk about her because there are two little girls who need to remember their mommy in heaven in a good light because eventually, the truth will come out.

Widower Wednesday: Jodi's Story

Occasionally I like to highlight reader success stories when it comes to widower relationships. Today's story comes from Jodi. Enjoy!

I met J when I went to work as a nurse in the hospital he worked at. He was married at the time and we always had a good working relationship and were friendly towards each other. Through the grapevine at work I heard that his wife at the time had battled cancer on and off. Soon she became very ill with another type of cancer. I left my job at the hospital shortly after, though we remained friends on social media. When his wife passed, I was truly sad for him and his daughter and expressed my condolences to him through social media.

About 11 months after his late wife had passed, he would occasionally send me messages on Facebook. We agreed to go on a date a couple of months later. His late wife had been gone just shy of a year and a half at this point. I was not sure what to expect from him as I had never dated a widower before and always said I would not. We had a great time as he was always a funny and sweet man. We started seeing each other and soon developed strong feelings toward each other. I asked several times if he was truly ready to date and he said he was. He dated some casually before me, though not much and nothing real serious.

The night he told me he loved me for the first time, he started out by telling me that he still loved the late wife and thought about and missed her every day. He said if he could get her back, he would. He followed this statement by telling me he loved me.

I was totally confused. I loved this man and wanted him to love me too. I did tell him I loved him but because of what he said I was not sure where this left me. I cried myself to sleep that night after he fell asleep.

The next day I called him to break things off. Based on what he said the night before, I did not feel he was truly ready and how could he really love me if he still felt that way for late wife? There was also much drama with his 21-year-old daughter who felt that he should live with her, his family, and the memories of the late wife. He was very upset and begged me not to break things off, saying he was only trying to be honest with me and that late wife was gone, he was not still "in love" with her as he could not be "in love" with a deceased woman. He promised me that he was in love with me and wanted to share a life together. As far as his daughter was concerned, she would be a work in progress and he felt he should do what made him happy. I decided to stay and see how things turned out, against what my gut was telling me. My heart was saying something totally different and I was sure I would end up a broken heart again and left to deal with my stupidity. 

We did have some bumps in the road here and there. I would not go to his home as he told me that pictures of the late wife were up still, some of her clothes still hanging in his closet, and what sounded like a shrine to the late wife that included a urn with her ashes, a leather bound book from her memorial service, and a picture of her on an antique table in his home. Plus his daughter lived at home and was nothing short of a spoiled, drama queen who wanted no other woman in her mother’s home. I told him I would not deal with this stuff and did not want to see the late wife everywhere. If he was ready to share his life with someone else, this stuff should be packed away. I bought the book Dating a Widower and shared it with J. We both read and discussed it and he could see where I was coming from. He agreed to make changes at his home but had to do so slowly as not to upset his daughter too much. 

We discussed marriage and I informed him that I would not accept a proposal from him until all of the late wife things were taken care of in his home. He took down pictures, bagged up the late wife’s clothes for his daughter to go through then donate. He was to put the "shrine" in his daughter’s room.

I made it very clear to J that I would never accept being put second to late wife nor would I tolerate him letting his daughter disrespect me or my daughter or treat us badly. He never did any of this. He did put us first and moved on with a life with me, despite major objections from his daughter. She has chosen to stay away and not involve herself in his life. While it is hard for him not to have her in his life, he has moved on. The rest of his family was very supportive of whatever made him happy. 

We were married four days ago and we could not be happier. We have very few late wife issues because he has moved on to a life with me. He always puts me first. He has told me that he loves me more than he ever loved anyone else, no exceptions and I believe him. We will have struggles—all marriages do—but those will most likely have nothing to do with his former widower status or late wife issues.