Random Thoughts November 2010

(With apologies in advance to Thomas Sowell.) San Francisco recently banned toys in kids meals with high fat content in an attempt to help put the brakes on childhood obesity. This makes me seriously wonder if any members of the board of supervisors have kids of their own. Most kids don’t want to go to McDonalds because they can get a toy. Most kids (including my own) want to go because so they can play in the big play area and they like the food. They’ve never, ever asked to go to McDonalds or any other fast food restraint so they could get a toy. And, no, my kids aren’t an anomaly, research backs this up.

Losing weight is as simple as eating fewer calories. You don’t need fancy diets. You don’t need to exercise. Just use some self-control and eat less. Don’t believe me? Ask Mark Haub who lost 27 pounds in two months eating protein shakes, green beans, and twinkies.

The one thing that bugged me about the article about Haub was that they touted that his body mass index (BMI) “went from 28.8, considered overweight, to 24.9, which is normal.” Normal? Never, ever use the BMI as an indication of health or being “normal.” Aside from the fact that everyone has different body types, the BMI measures mass – not health or ideal wieght. When I enter in my height and weight I come out with a BMI of 26.9. (That’s about in the middle of the overweight column.) The reason? I have a lot of muscle mass from daily weight lifting routines. I’d probably have a lot more muscle (and a higher BMI) if I didn’t run 20+ miles a week. Overweight? Not. A. Chance.

Speaking of people with weight problems, here’s one more reason to like New Jersey governor Chris Christie. I wish he was governor of Utah. (Hat tip: Half Sigma)

I’m about half way through NaNoWriMo and have mixed feelings about it. For all my author and wannabe author friends, I’ll post a summary of the experience after it comes to an end.

I managed to take my kids to 4 out of 5 Weber State football games this fall. Of course I missed the one game I really wanted to attend. But all the kids had fun and it was fun family time. They’re already asking when we can buy tickets for next year.

My Broncos are suffering through another ignominious football season. It would be a lot worse, however, if I was a Cowboys fan.

Marathon Girl bought some Christmas music the other day. As a result, it’s all the kids want to listen to. For some reason I just can’t get into any holiday spirit unless it’s after Thanksgiving and there’s snow on the ground. I guess this means I’d be a constant grouch if we ever move to Houston.

I’ve done a bad job of updating my blog roll. I checked it the other day and realized that a lot of the people I listed no longer blog or have changed their blog address. Anyway, I’ve updated it. Check it out when you have a minute. And if you have any blog suggestions, feel free to send them my way. I’m always looking for a good read.

Widower Wednesday: Dealing with the Widower’s ADULT Children

Dating a widower is not only hard on the late wife’s family, but it can be very hard on the widower’s children. When I receive emails asking me how to deal with children, my advice differs depending on whether the kids are minors still living at home or legal adults. In this Widower Wednesday segment I’m going to focus specifically on adult children—those who are 18 or older. (I’ll focus on young children and teenagers next week.)

Seeing their father with another woman can be hard on his kids no matter how old they are. Many of them are still grieving their mother and can’t understand how dad can move on and “replace” Mom. It’s a natural reaction and I don’t blame anyone for wondering why their father wants to date again. If it weren’t for my own experience, I’d probably have a difficult time seeing my dad with someone else if my mom were to pass on.

Since there’s nothing you can do about the thoughts or actions of another person, don’t concern yourself with whether or not his adult children like you or approve of their father dating again. You can always try to win his adult children by showing them love and respect no matter what they say or how they treat you. What you should keep a sharp eye on, however, is how the widower responds to his adult children’s childish and controlling demands.

For example, a woman recently emailed me about a widower she was in a committed relationship with. The widower’s adult children invited him over for the Thanksgiving but made it clear that she was not invited because it was too painful to see their dad being affectionate with someone other than their mom. Instead of telling his kids that the new woman was part of his life, the widower decided to abide by his children’s wishes and spend Thanksgiving with them.

In short, this widower chose his kids—who are grown and have families of their own—over the new woman in his life. It’s not a good sign if you’re looking for a successful, long-term relationship. Instead of giving in to his kids, the widower should have explained that he was in a committed relationship with someone else and would be happy to call them over the holidays since he can’t attend without this special woman.

You want a widower with a backbone—one who can say NO to unreasonable demands from his adult kids. Because if he can’t stand up to them now, odds are he’s not going to stand up to them when Christmas, birthdays or other occasions roll around. Instead of being at his side, you’re going to find yourself in the number two position time and time again.

Talk about it with him all you want but odds are at this stage in the game if the children are controlling of their father, it’s not going to change unless the widower put you first.

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Finally, thanks to all those who submitted holiday widower issues. If you still have holiday some, please send them in. I’ll start answering holiday questions on November 24 and for several weeks following. If you have any other dating a widower issue you’d like to me address, send me an email.

Widower Wednesday: Dealing with the Late Wife’s Family

A common issue that comes in my inbox is how women dating widowers should deal with the late wife’s family. Generally the widower is in regular contact with his late wife’s family and somewhat regularly attends her family events. This usually brings up two problems. The first is how to handle those related to the late wife are standoffish, rude, or vocally upset that the widower is dating again. The second concern is that many women feel like the widower spends too much time with the late wife’s family instead of trying to build a new relationship with her.

As to the first issue, there’s nothing you can do about the thoughts or actions of others. All you can do is choose how you respond to remarks or the cold shoulders others may give you. Kind words and loving actions are usually the best way to handle these situations. Love and kindness may not be the easiest response but they’re the ones that win people over in the long run.

Don’t take their comments or actions too personally. Those who have a hard time seeing the widower with someone other than the late wife are usually those who are still grieving the loss of their daughter, sister, or friend. They’re have a hard time accepting the fact that the widower’s is moving on.

The other thing you want to look for in these situations is if the widower stands up for you. If he knows how their treating you and does nothing to stop them, you need to decide if you can have a relationship “weenie widower” as my friend C calls them. If he can’t defend you with the late wife’s in-laws, there will be other situations where he won’t defend you either. Having a widower with a spine goes a long way to make these situations easier.

As to him spending time with the late wife’s family, you shouldn’t expect him to cut off contact completely with the late wife’s family. Unless he had a bad relationship with them when the late wife was alive, odds are they’re going to be part of your relationship with him—especially if he and the late wife had kids. Having the late wife’s family as part of your relationship with this is something you need to decide if you can live with.

Where I’d be concerned is if he spends so much time with the late wife’s family that you feel he’s neglecting your relationship. Often the late wife’s family will help him get through the tough times by watching kids or just being there for him. This can create a bond that is difficult to sever.

However, part of starting a new life means putting the old one behind you. A widower who is serious about moving on and starting a new relationship should spending less time with the late wife’s family and more time with you. If he had a hard time doing this, I’d worry whether or not he’s willing to fully commit to you.

As always, if you’re having difficulties with the late wife’s family or are concerned with how much time he’s spending with them, talk to him about your concerns. Couples with strong relationships all have the ability to talk openly and honestly one with another. Strong communication skills are vital if your relationship is going to have any chance to work out.

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The holidays are coming up. If you have any particular widower-related holiday issues you’d like discussed on Widower Wednesday, send me an email. I’ll be posting holiday related topics staring on November 24.

Halloween Links and Thoughts

For those parents who are on bit on the paranoid side about your little ghosts and goblins being poisoned, molested, or anything horrible happening to them this weekend, read the article by Lenore Skenazy in the Wall Street Journal on why Halloween is one of the safest days of the year for your kids.

With Halloween falling on Sunday this year, it seems like many kiddies will be trick-or-treating on Saturday instead. Why this irritates some people is beyond me. I really don’t care if kids trick-or-treat on Saturday or Sunday. I’ll be handing out candy either day.

Some people are wondering if an age limit should be imposed on trick-or-treaters. I don’t remember talk of an age limit when I was a kid but generally everyone I grew up with stopped trick-or-treating by ninth grade. Marathon Girl grew up in a home where you couldn’t trick-or-treat after you were 12. I don’t know about enforcing an age limit but I do admit I find it annoying to see a 16 year old trick-or-treating. I’d think by that age they’d have more fun at Halloween parties.

Cool pictures of The Walking Dead in Sofia, Bulgaria. I wish they would have had cool things like that going on when I lived there.

Why do dentists always have to take the fun out of Halloween?

OK. I can understand the dentist/candy things to some extent. By why on earth are schools and educators try to take the fun out of Halloween too?

As a kid I remember me and other kids wearing masks to school on Halloween. Yet it seems like in the last decade masks have become a big no-no. Anyone have any insight as to why?

My kids: Batman, Robin, Princess Tiana, and a skunk. Me: A grumpy middle-aged writer. Marathon Girl: Herself, though I wish she’d give one of those sexy Halloween costumes a try. She has a great body for it.

Widower Wednesday: Sleeping with a Widower

After reading my Sex and Intimacy with Widowers article, a reader asks if abstinence guarantees that a widower won’t leave the woman he’s dating.

The answer is no. Abstinence doesn’t guarantee that a widower won’t up and leave you anymore than sleeping with a widower guarantees he’ll be there for you tomorrow.

When it comes to getting involved with a widower phyically or emotionally, my advice has always been to take things slow.  Most widowers—especially recent widowers—are quick to commit to relationships before they’re emotionally ready. As a result it’s not uncommon for them to end relationships as soon as things heat up. Taking your time in the early stages of the relationship with a widower can save you some heartache if the relationship comes to an unexpected. Taking things slow give you a good chance to learn if the widower’s ready to move on and start a new life with you or simply looking for someone to keep him warm at night. Widowers who are looking for an easy score or not ready for a serious relationship will have a hard time holding back if you put off his advances until you’re sure of his intentions.

When you decide to become physical with a widower is ultimately up to the two of you. Just keep in mind that the second most common issue in my inbox is from women who feel used and taken advantage of after sleeping with widowers only to be unceremoniously dumped soon after. If that’s something you want to avoid, take your time before sleeping with a widower.

The Third Release Date: Earth Day 2011

Just got The Third's release date from publisher. The book should start hitting bookstores shelves or coming to  an e-reader near you in April 2011. The official release date for the book, however, is April 22 – Earth Day but it will probably be available to buy before then. For those you who are familiar with the content of the book, I can’t begin say how happy the official release date makes me. I can't think of a better way to celebrate that day. I’m going to have fun, fun, fun with this. :-)

Life Imitates The Third: Chinese Woman Forced to Abort 8-month-old Fetus

The following story from the Associated Press is a scene straight from a chapter of The Third.

A pregnant woman in south China was detained, beaten and forced to have an abortion just a month before her due date because the baby would have violated the country's one-child limit, her husband said Thursday.

Construction worker Luo Yanquan said his wife was taken kicking and screaming from their home by more than a dozen people on Oct. 10 and detained in a clinic for three days by family planning officials, then taken to a hospital and injected with a drug that killed her baby.

Family planning officials told the couple they weren't allowed to have the child because they already have a 9-year-old daughter, Luo said.

For the last 30 years, China has limited most urban couples to just one child in a bid to curb population growth and conserve its limited resources. China has the world's largest population, with more than 1.3 billion people. Couples that flout the rules face hefty fines, seizure of their property and loss of their jobs.

Read the rest of the article here.

On a lighter note, the publisher's given me an official release date for The Third. Check back on Monday for the official announcement.