Grief Actually Ends and that’s Okay

I’m so sick and tired of the narrative that you never get over loss and that you carry it with you forever, as described in the picture below. It’s a lie that holds people back from moving forward with their life after loss. You are NOT an object. You can act. You can decide. You have the power to do for yourself what you CHOOSE to do.

Is there any other set of circumstances where we tell people that they can’t figure things out and start a new chapter? Do we tell people that lost a job that they’ll carry this loss around and never find employment again? To we tell divorced folks they can never move forward and be happy? When your child goes through a difficult time in school or life do we tell them they’ve got to carry this around for the rest of their lives? Of course not! So why do we do it with those who have lost a spouse, a child, a parent, or some other loved one?

We learn, we grow, and we heal from our experiences. Loss is no different. It’s doesn’t have to be a burden that we carry throughout our life. You can free yourself from your burden of grief and loss and be happy once again IF you want to move forward and do the hard work it takes to achieve it.

So next time someone tells you that grief never ends (and that’s okay), don’t buy into the lifetime of sadness they’re selling. Instead roll up your sleeves and use your God-given agency to move forward and do the work to lighten your burden. You, not loss, is in charge of your life. Move forward, act, and choose to be happy.

Interview: In the Company of Widowers: How They Grieve & Move On

Me and two other widowers were recently interviewed on the blog Life Lessons at 50 Plus. Excerpt below.

Is the mourning process different for men versus women? Do men do so in more private ways? Are they lonelier in their grief?

Keogh: Men will not cry in public and have less of a tendency then women to break down and cry in general. Typically, if grieving, they’ll talk about their late wife, generally leave pictures out and still wear their wedding rings. If they’re not ready to move on and they begin to date, the date might feel like she’s competing with a ghost; there’s a third person in the relationship.

Lockhart: My grieving has been alone in private for the most part.  

Selner:  I dealt with my grief by talking about it with my daughters and a few other close friends or relatives, frequently telling them how I felt. There was a lot of crying privately and allowing myself to feel the love that was much deeper than I realized before I lost her, and the guilt that I didn’t tell her how deep it was as often as I should have. I am still dealing with it.

How do widowers fill the void from spousal loss?

Keogh: I did a lot of things with my guy friends, which was therapeutic. I also started blogging anonymously at first and then wrote my first book, Room for Two. It was published in 2007—six years after my late wife died.

Lockhart: I have filled the void partially with all the tasks and busy work that follow the death of a spouse. I stay busy with boards, both non-profit and for-profit, and teach a course at Ga Tech.  

Selner: I have never filled the void. But I tried to accept it and adjust to it.  

Read the entire interview here.

Chrissy Teigen, Loss, and Our Collective Inhumanity

Yesterday Chrissy Teigen posted a photo of her sitting in a hospital bed after miscarrying her 18-week old baby, Jack, and the internet exploded. Some accused Teigen of milking her tragedy to increase her social media following. Others said she was a hero for expressing her loss and grief. Others wondered why anyone would share, let alone take, a photo of such a personal, tragic moment.

As someone who has lost a child and is tired of the continued divisiveness that’s encouraged by social media, I will say this: Losing a child is the worst thing anyone can experience. It doesn’t matter if it was a miscarriage, a stillbirth, a child who died soon after birth, or any other age. It sucks more than words can describe. Losing a child is something I’d never wish on anyone for any reason. My daughter, Hope, was born nearly 3 months early and died 9 days after her birth. That was 18 years ago, and I still feel an occasional flash of pain from losing her.

Social media wasn’t a thing in 2001 so I have no idea how I would have announced Hope’s death. Maybe I would have included a photo of her. Maybe it would have just been a couple of sentences. Maybe I would have let someone else post about it because taking Hope off life support was such a gut-wrenching experience that I may not have had the strength to do it. I do know that if I lost Hope in 2020, whatever I shared probably would have generated a similar reaction as Teigen (albeit on a far smaller scale).

One of many problems with social media is that it’s made everyone think they’re mind readers. For example, someone posts their support for Donald Trump and those who disagree accuse her of supporting white supremacy. Someone posts their support for Joe Biden and she’s accused of being a socialist. Teigen posts a photo of her grief and millions of people can suddenly read her mind and know her motivations for announcing it.

The truth is I have no idea why Teigen posted the photo and accompanying message and you don’t either. I hope it was because it was a sincere expression of grief and pain she’s going through and not to increase her social media presence. (If she posted it for likes or to grow her audience then I have absolutely no sympathy for her situation.)

Sadly, social media has become performance art making it nearly impossible to tell who sincerely sharing something and who’s just looking for more likes, shares, and clicks. The varied response to Teigen’s announcement and photo proves it.

The only person who knows why Teigen posted the photo and announcement is Teigen herself. And since none of us can read her mind maybe the best course of action is to either assume the best of intentions or say (or post) nothing in response. (Side note: maybe give your social media friends the same benefit of the doubt when the post something about politics or anything else you disagree with. Always attributing the worst motives to those who disagree might make you feel awesome but it comes at the cost of your soul.)

As for taking photos of such personal, tragic moments, back in 2001 I wasn’t happy that my parents took a lot of pictures of Hope’s brief life and funeral. I had so much going on that documenting the event was the last thing I cared about. But after life calmed down I was grateful for the photos. And though I doubt I would have shared them on social media, they brought me much comfort when I was in a state of mind to appreciate them.

Finally, If I had the chance to say anything to Teigen, it would be this: I’m sorry for the unexpected loss of your son, Jack. I hope that you can reach a point where you can find peace and understanding from this event. I’m praying for you and hope that God will give you the strength to move forward one day, one hour, and one minute at a time.

What Do Widows and Widowers Think of Go On?

I've done a couple of reviews for the TV show Go On. I’m not going to add any more to those right now because, as of now, the show is still going strong. But if you want to know what other widows and widowers think of the show, you can read their reviews below. There’s a wide variety of opinions out there.

1. Abel Keogh (me), first review, and second review
2. Kim Go, Alive and Mortal
3. Julia from Glow in the Woods
4. Fresh Widow
5. Widdared
6. JoanneF
7. Marsha
8. Jacuser
9. Honeyspuddin
10. Sandy, FlyingWG
11. Janine, One Breath at a Time
12. EverydayMorning (Sam)
13. Choosing Grace Today
14. Missing Bobby

Enjoy!

Two Essays Published

As I mentioned back in January, several of my essays, "10 Dating Tips for Widows and Widowers" and "My Life, Seven Years Later" were selected to be published in a forthcoming collections of stories. The book, Open to Hope, Inspirational Stories of Healing after Loss, is now available. More information on the book is available here. You can purchase the book on Amazon.

Widower Wednesday: Memorial Tattoos

In the spirit of walking the walk when it comes to putting your spouse first, Marathon Girl and I took a trip to southern Utah, without the kids(!), for three days last week. It was a great chance to rest, relax, and put each other first. Our relationship is stronger because of it. I highly recommend planning a getaway with your own spouse if you feel the relationship needs it.

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Last week I received an email from a woman who is dating a widower (wife died 2 years ago, they’ve been dating 15 months) who is doing everything right. He’s made her feel like #1 through his actions (as opposed to his words), and done everything he can to provide a safe, loving home for her and her children, and recently proposed. She’s looking forward to a long and happy life with this man.

There’s only one problem. There’s a small memorial tattoo (a heart with the late wife’s initials inside the heart) on the widower’s chest. Every time the woman sees the tattoo it serves as a reminder of his past love and life with her. Though she’s accepted his past and past marriage and the fact that he will always love her, the constant reminder is driving her crazy.

She’s talked about the tattoo with the widower. He doesn’t see a problem with keeping it. He says it was something he got when he thought he’d never love again and doesn’t think it’s something that needs to go. He also doesn’t want to go through the pain of having it removed.

The woman doesn’t want to lose this great man but doesn’t know if she can live seeing the tattoo every day for the rest of her life and wanted to know if she should learn to live with it or cut and run before she goes nuts.

My thoughts: If the tattoo bothers you that much, then maybe it’s best to move on. You’ve had 15 months to adjust to the tattoo and apparently it’s bothering you more now than the first time you saw it. Just keep in mind that you might be losing an otherwise great guy. I’m not faulting you for feeling this way (Marathon Girl wouldn’t have married me if I had one) just asking you to weigh the pros and cons of ending things over the tattoo.

However, I’m wondering if a compromise can be reached. Have you asked him about altering the tattoo? What if he filled in the heart or altered it in some other way so it obscures the late wife’s initials or doesn’t look like a memorial tattoo. Seems like that way he keeps the tattoo but turns it into something that’s not just a reminder of his past life. Maybe the two of you could visit the parlor where it was done and see if the people there have some ideas or options for the two of you to consider.

From your email, he seems like a great guy—a cut above most widowers who start dating again. If it’s just the tattoo and only the tattoo issue that’s bothering you then I’d try to find a way around it. It sounds like you have a relationships where you talk to each other, bring it up. See if the two of you can find a solution that makes you both happy.

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I know there are women who read this column who are with or dated widowers with memorial tattoos. How did you guys deal with it? Any suggestions on how to resolve this issue?

Widower Wednesday: Grief Counseling

 

An emailer writes:

My [widower] boyfriend has a lot of feelings of anger/guilt/frustration/sadness that surfaces now a little more frequently than it did in the beginning of our relationship. I'm realizing he may not be ready for a relationship, sadly, just yet. However, in general, I do believe he could greatly benefit from grief counseling/therapy. I've mentioned this idea to him a couple times (as have many people), and he seems resistant to it. My question: is it a bad idea to continue to push this idea?

Don’t push it. Sending someone to grief counseling who doesn’t want to go is just as effective as a sending a drug or alcohol addict who hasn’t hit bottom to rehab. In order for any kind of counseling to even be remotely effective the person has to be willing to accept help. If your boyfriend doesn’t want it, pushing it is only going to make him resent you and others who are suggesting it.

I’m not a big fan of grief counseling. I think it’s been oversold as a solution to those who have lost a loved one. The loss of a spouse doesn’t make you a victim who requires professional help. Most people can work through the loss of their spouse without the help of a professional. Most people are better off without it.

From what I’ve read 6 to 12 months after a loss of a loved one, most people are doing just fine. Only 10% of widows/widowers will need some sort of grief counseling and generally they’re the ones who are still grieving after a year after their spouse passed.

There’s a new book by journalist Ruth Davis Konigsberg called The Truth About Grief: The Myth of the Five Stages and The New Science of Loss. Though I haven’t had the time to read it yet, Annie has read it and written a great summary of the book on her blog.  From what I’ve read on her blog and elsewhere, it seems to mirror my own conclusions from 2005 that grief counseling doesn’t benefit most people and it could be holding some people back from moving on.

Update: A reader, Ted, sent a link from a recent Time magainze article by Kongsberg. It's a good read. An excerpt:

Our modern, atomized society had been stripped of religious faith and ritual and no longer provided adequate support for the bereaved. And so a new belief system — call it the American Way of Grief — rose up to help organize the experience. As this system grew more firmly established, it allowed for less variation in how to handle the pain of loss. So while conventions for mourning, such as wearing black armbands or using black-bordered stationery, have all but disappeared, they have been replaced by conventions for grief, which are arguably more restrictive in that they dictate not what a person wears or does in public but his or her inner emotional state. Take, for example, the prevailing notion that you must give voice to your loss or else it will fester. "Telling your story often and in detail is primal to the grieving process," Kübler-Ross advised in her final book, On Grief and Grieving, which was published in 2005, a year after her death. "You must get it out. Grief must be witnessed to be healed." This mandate borrows from the psychotherapeutic principle of catharsis, which gives it an empirical gloss, when in fact there is little evidence that "telling your story" helps alleviate suffering.

How to Write a (Grief) Memoir

Since this post is on memoirs, a bit of shameless self-promotion: I’m teaching a memoir writing class in Ephraim, Utah on April 9. Don’t have full details as to where the class will be taught but it is part of Write Here in Ephraim Conference that will include many other wonderful authors and presenters. Stay tuned for details. If you’re in the area and want to know the ins and outs of memoir writing, I’d love to have you attend.

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Ever since The New York Times slammed Joyce Carol Oates memoir, A Widow’s Story, there’s been uproar in the widow(er) community about the review with many widow(er)s saying that the reviewer just doesn’t “get” what’s it’s like to be a widow. I haven’t read JCO’s memoir so I can’t say whether or not the book is worthy of the criticism it received. Thanks to a reader’s tip, I read an excerpt in The New Yorker. Though I was impressed with JCO’s prose, I found the telling of the last week of her husband’s life and first few hours of widowhood similar to what you might find on a recent widow blog. And, in my mind, that’s a problem.

Blogs aren’t memoirs. They have a different purpose and audience. When done well, blogs are vignettes that focus on one moment and give the reader some insight into that incident or person. Memoirs have more meat. Instead of focusing on a day or special moment, modern memoirs usually focus on a major event (or series of events) where the author learns something from the experience and shares it with the reader.

Maybe when I read JCO’s work in its entirety, I’ll feel different. But the little bit I read seemed like something lifted from a personal journal. It’s interesting if you know the person but utterly lacking the depth necessary to give the reader insight into losing a spouse. (I’m going to order the book later this week. However if any readers know of any more online excerpts, please email me or leave a note in the comment section below.)

So what does it take to write a good memoir? Five things immediately come to mind. (For those looking write a memoir on a different subject, just replace grief theme with whatever the crux of your experience is about. The suggestions below still apply.)

1. Your story needs to be unique. You lost a spouse. So what. Millions of people lose a spouse every year. What makes your spouse’s death and your journey so different that other people will want to read it? You aren’t the first person to walk this path. To get the attention of agents, publishers, and readers your experience has to something unique about their story that makes it stand out from the crowd.
2. You need to offer new insight on the subject. Many books have been written on losing a spouse. Most of them might as well be carbon copies of each other. What has your experience/journey taught you that may not be known by those who have written or walked down the same path? For example, most widow(er)s learn that life goes on and they can be happy again after losing a spouse. While that insight may be new to the writer, it’s not an earth shattering concept to most people. To make it worth the reader’s time, you need to offer some insight or unique perspective into death, grieving, moving on, etc. that other people may not have noticed.
3. You need to be honest. With memoirs—especially grief memoirs—authors have a tendency to turn themselves look like a tragic hero for going through the experience. They don’t want to make themselves appear human. Big mistake. Even widow(er)s have flaws and make bad decisions. You need to appear just as human as the next person or the reader will feel you’ve been less than truthful and will blow your credibility. With a memoir you never want the reader to feel that way about you.
4. You need to know how to tell a story. Good writers know what events to include and what events to leave out of their memoirs. For example, there’s no need to include the funeral of the late spouse unless something happened there that’s important to the story or can offer the reader some bit of insight into yourself or your culture that can’t come out in another part of the story. Otherwise you’re just filling up the book with pointless information and wasting the reader’s time. Good writers also know how to make quotidian events come alive and paint a vivid picture in the reader’s head. (Side note: This is one thing JCO is very good at.) They know how to take an event like death and widow(er)hood and make it interesting to the reader instead of it simply feeling like they’re reading something they’ve read a hundred times before. Being able to do this is a very difficult talent to master.
5. Your book needs to appeal to a wide audience. Good memoirs will appeal to their target audience. Great memoirs appeal to a wider audience. If you write a grief memoir and get positive feedback from other widow(er)s, you’ve probably done a decent job writing what it’s like to lose a spouse. However, when you start getting good reviews and feedback from those who have no clue what it’s like to lose a spouse, then you know you’ve written a compelling memoir with the depth and insight needed (see #2) to get people to look at the world I a different way. These are the kinds of memoirs that agents and publishers are interested in.

When I do get around to reading, JCO’s memoir, the above five points are the standard I'll review it against. Once it arrives via Amazon, it goes to the top of my reading stack.

Widower Wednesday: Why do Widowers Start New Relationships so Quickly?

Today’s Widower Wednesday column comes from a comment that was posted on my Dating and Marriage: One Regret post. I thought the commenter asked some good questions and raised some interesting points. So I’m going to post her comment below with my thoughts in italics.

“Daughter of a Widower” writes:

I stumbled across this website trying to find information to help me understand my recently widowed dad's new relationship. Mainly, I'm struggling with...Why does it seem like men in particular feel comfortable starting new relations so quickly (I know that's relative) after their wives have died?

I know this site is meant for women who are dating widowers, but as an adult, female child of a widower I felt I could offer a perspective on this topic that maybe hasn't been addressed before.

Excellent question. You’re correct that it hasn’t been addressed in-depth on this blog. (Side note: It is discussed in my upcoming Dating a Widower book.) So here’s my take on why widower start dating soon after their wife dies.

Most men, especially men who have spent a long time married to someone they love, find that their lives lose a lot of the richness and purpose it held once their wife passes on. Frankly, most widowers don’t know what to do with themselves when their wives are gone. In order to put some meaning back in their lives they try to “fix” their life by finding another woman who can add some meaning they feel is missing. I felt that way and a lot of the widower’s I’ve talked to had similar feelings. Just because they start dating weeks or months after their wife dies doesn’t mean that they don’t love her. Instead, they’re simply trying to fix a part of their life that feels broken in the most logical way they can think of.

I read the post by "Bob" whose 15 year old daughter is taking his dating very hard. I truly feel for this poor girl. I really don't think guys understand the complex impact starting a new relationship will have on the women in their lives.

The following has been my experience in the last few days since "the news broke"...

• I (the only daughter in the family) was stunned and confused, but determined not to judge, then I cried.
• My brothers are "supportive" and/or "happy" for my dad.
• My sister-in-law cried when she found out.
• My husband sort of smiled, nervously, not knowing what to say.
• My son said, "that's weird" and moved on.
• My two daughters cried.

And so I started to wonder about this reaction that seemed to be unique to the women affected by this new relationship. I've come to realize that what we are feeling is akin to (but not exactly) betrayal. Even though in our conscious minds we know he needs to move forward, we are caught off guard. And with this new "relationship" we are smacked in the face with the realization that what was supposed to be forever has come to an end, suddenly it seems. Deep inside of us women we wonder, 'is it that easy to move on when we go?' And that is frightening and extremely sad for us.

I think your right that women tend to have a harder time accepting the new relationship than men. I actually like the word betrayal even though the emotion is more complicated than that. (There’s a good deal of grief thrown in there too.)

One thing to remember is that the world will keep moving on after someone dies. Yes, the world may stop for a day or two—at least for those who knew the person; but it will quickly start back up again. The deceased will always live on in the hearts of this who knew him or her but this world is meant for the living—not the dead. It will continue to move forward whether we’re breathing or not. The question for those left behind is whether or not we’re going to move on with it.

So, to you ladies who are dating widowers with young children or adult children, especially if it has been less than a full year of seasons that would mark milestones in their mother's life, do not be surprised if you are not fully accepted into the family right away, especially by the women in your new boyfriend's life. You must try to understand the loss that they feel (for their mother and for their parents' relationship that will never again continue as it was). And, unfortunately, in many ways that are probably unfair in your mind, you will be for some time the "other woman" in ours.

I, for one, am hoping and praying that my feelings change.

I understand where you’re coming from. A lot of my family and friends had similar feelings when I was dating again. It’s a natural reaction that most people have—especially those who are still grieving the deceased.

In defense of the women dating widowers, it seems like those who email me understand that the widower’s friends and family may not be ready to see the widower with a new woman. Often meeting the widower’s family and spending time with them is just as hard for them as it is for you.

That being said, if you want to think of your dad’s (or brother, uncle, etc.) new woman as “the other woman” that’s fine. However, this doesn’t justify the rude comments or remarks or other things that are purposely done to make the new woman feel uncomfortable or she doesn’t belong or is somehow responsible for your dad dating again. I’m not saying you have or will do this. It’s interested that the widower’s or late wife’s family usually takes their grief and feelings of betrayal out on the new woman instead of the widower. If anyone reading this blog is upset with that their dad (or brother, uncle, etc.) is dating again, then talk to him about it instead of taking your feelings out on the woman’s he’s with.

Widower Wednesday: Dealing with the Late Wife’s Family

A common issue that comes in my inbox is how women dating widowers should deal with the late wife’s family. Generally the widower is in regular contact with his late wife’s family and somewhat regularly attends her family events. This usually brings up two problems. The first is how to handle those related to the late wife are standoffish, rude, or vocally upset that the widower is dating again. The second concern is that many women feel like the widower spends too much time with the late wife’s family instead of trying to build a new relationship with her.

As to the first issue, there’s nothing you can do about the thoughts or actions of others. All you can do is choose how you respond to remarks or the cold shoulders others may give you. Kind words and loving actions are usually the best way to handle these situations. Love and kindness may not be the easiest response but they’re the ones that win people over in the long run.

Don’t take their comments or actions too personally. Those who have a hard time seeing the widower with someone other than the late wife are usually those who are still grieving the loss of their daughter, sister, or friend. They’re have a hard time accepting the fact that the widower’s is moving on.

The other thing you want to look for in these situations is if the widower stands up for you. If he knows how their treating you and does nothing to stop them, you need to decide if you can have a relationship “weenie widower” as my friend C calls them. If he can’t defend you with the late wife’s in-laws, there will be other situations where he won’t defend you either. Having a widower with a spine goes a long way to make these situations easier.

As to him spending time with the late wife’s family, you shouldn’t expect him to cut off contact completely with the late wife’s family. Unless he had a bad relationship with them when the late wife was alive, odds are they’re going to be part of your relationship with him—especially if he and the late wife had kids. Having the late wife’s family as part of your relationship with this is something you need to decide if you can live with.

Where I’d be concerned is if he spends so much time with the late wife’s family that you feel he’s neglecting your relationship. Often the late wife’s family will help him get through the tough times by watching kids or just being there for him. This can create a bond that is difficult to sever.

However, part of starting a new life means putting the old one behind you. A widower who is serious about moving on and starting a new relationship should spending less time with the late wife’s family and more time with you. If he had a hard time doing this, I’d worry whether or not he’s willing to fully commit to you.

As always, if you’re having difficulties with the late wife’s family or are concerned with how much time he’s spending with them, talk to him about your concerns. Couples with strong relationships all have the ability to talk openly and honestly one with another. Strong communication skills are vital if your relationship is going to have any chance to work out.

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The holidays are coming up. If you have any particular widower-related holiday issues you’d like discussed on Widower Wednesday, send me an email. I’ll be posting holiday related topics staring on November 24.