Widower Wednesday: Don’t Waste Your Life

It’s 2013 and many people have made resolutions for the New Year. Whether or not you’ve made any resolutions may I suggest may you add one to your list: Don’t waste your life.

One of the sad things I saw over and over again in my inbox last year were relationships that came to an ignominious end after the GOW patiently waited for years for the widower to give her the same love and respect that he gave the last wife.

It doesn’t take years to know if the widower is ready to move on. In fact, it generally takes a year or less to know whether he’s ready to give his heart to you or if you’re spinning your wheels. If you’ve been together more than a year and you still feel like you’re living in the shadow of the late wife or he has some major grief issues that need to be resolved, you’re better ending the relationship. If the widower hasn’t been able to open his heart to you after a year together, additional time isn’t going to change things. Odds are he’ll still feel the same way at two years, five years, and ten years. Life is too short to spend precious months and years with someone who’s not ready to give his heart and soul to you.

If both people want something bad enough to happen, things have a tendency to fall into place and work out. It was that way in my relationship with the late wife and with Marathon Girl. I’ve seen friends and family members experience it as well as many others widowers and GOWS experience it. You can’t fit a round peg into a round hole. Don’t try to make something work that, for whatever reason, isn’t meant to be.

Make 2013 the year you stop investing time and emotions into a relationship that’s not going anywhere. Instead resolve to put that effort into more productive endeavors.

Widower Wednesday: 2012 Columns

Here's a complete list of all the Widower Wednesday columns that were published in 2012. Watch for new ones in 2013. January 4 | Call For Marrying a Widower Stories

January 11 | What if She Dies?

January 18 | Photos of Hope

January 25 | Remembering the Past, Embracing the Future

February 1 | Cutting Your Losses

February 8 | Dating a Widow

February 15 | The Wrong Question

February 22 | Forgive and Forget

February 29 | Leap of Faith

March 7 |  Testing the Water

March 14 | Cover Suggestions

March 21 | Reprise

March 28 | Abundance vs. Scarcity

April 4 | How to Talk to a GOW

April 11 | Giving Books to Widowers

April 18 | Marrying a Widower Chapter 1

April 25 | A Book for Widowers?

May 2 | The Love of My Life

May 9 | Bad Talking the Late Wife

May 16 | A Different Emotional Place

May 23 | Widower Movies

May 30 | Awkward!

June 6 | How to Flirt with a Widower

June 13 | Stop Acting like a Victim

June 20 | All Your Life

June 27 | Writing About Loss

July 4 | Independence Day

July 11 | Facebook and the Late Wife

July 18 | What It’s Like Dating a Widower

July 25 | Positive Things about Dating a Widower

August 1 | Widowers and Ultimatums

August 8 | Widowers in the News

August 15 | Go On

August 22 | Call for Topics

August 29 | Sex with the Late Wife

September 12 | It Doesn’t Matter How She Died

September 19 | 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Get a Memorial Tattoo

September 26 | Women, Widowers, and Insecurity

October 3 | Friends Who Still Grieve

October 10 |  5 Questions

October 17 | Man Up and Be a Dad

October 24 | Man Up and Be a Dad Part 2

October 31 | Secret Relationships

November 7 | Making New Dreams

November 14 | Lawsuits, Forgiveness, and Moving On

November 21 | Where to Spend the Holidays

November 28 | The Widower, His Children, and Christmas

December 5 | Why You Should Watch Go On

December 12 | Erasing a Widower's Past

December 19 | Different Kinds of Loss

The Warm Lights of Home

One of the things I hate about this time of year is that I generally drive to and from work in the dark. For some reason it makes me feel like an entire day passed me by—all because I didn’t get a chance to see the sun.

But since we moved this summer I’ve discovered that the drive home doesn’t seem as dreary or dark. Our new house sits on a small rise. As a result, you can see it (if you know where to look) from about a mile away. Seeing the warm lights of home in an otherwise dreary and dark world actually brightens my spirits and makes me feel like there are still plenty of things to do even if the sun set a long time ago. It’s a reminder that there’s a family who can’t wait to see me and spend the rest of the day together work.

So thank you warm, bright lights at home for reminding me on cold, dark winter nights that there’s still plenty to do and something worth coming home to—even if the sun has long set.

Widower Wednesday: Different Kinds of Loss

From the inbox:

Dear Abel,

I read your last post and as a result I  had a discussion with my widower about taking some of the late wife’s photographs down. He said the losing a spouse was like losing a son or daughter and that he wouldn't expect anyone to take down photos of a deceased child. That three days ago. The photos are still up and I don’t think they’ll ever come down. Since the widower feels this way about the photos, is it even worth bringing up the subject again or should I learn to live with them?

Thanks,

S.

Hi S.

You can’t compare the loss of a spouse with the loss of a child. They’re incredibly difficult and heartbreaking but they can’t be compared because the relationship you have with that person is different. Grieving, moving on, and healing from those losses are different too.

You may not have lost a spouse or child, but maybe you've lost a parent, grandparent, friend, or someone else you've cared about. If you have, think about how you grieved and moved on from each of those losses. I’m willing to bet that each was unique. It’s the same with a spouse and child.

Both my late wife’s and Hope’s death ripped me apart emotionally but the pain and grief I experienced was very different. Hope’s was much deeper and much more difficult. The pain is still there in the deep place in my heart. It’s something I don’t know will ever go away. The death of a child is something I hope never to have to experience again.

It sounds like you’re widower is coming up with excuses not to take the photos of his late wife down. You can get used to them if you want but if they bother you, I suggest a widower that’s going to put photographs of the late wife over your wants and needs isn't worth dating.

Widower Wednesday: Erasing a Widower’s Past

A widower writes to Dear Prudence with the following question:

I was married for 25 years to an amazing woman who came to a sudden and untimely end. I am now dating another amazing woman. After dating for a year, we moved in together six months ago and love each other like crazy. We have our differences, but nothing that I wouldn't expect for any two people trying to make their separate lives into one. Except one thing: I want to keep my late wife as a part of my life in the form of a few pictures, a couple of specific mementos, and the occasional topic of conversation. Sometimes my girlfriend is supportive of this but sometimes she is not and it causes her pain. I've read how you dealt with your husband's first wife and was hoping you could help me learn what topics are more likely to hurt my girlfriend so I can handle them more adroitly, or alternately give me some words I can use to explain better to my girl that I love her completely too. I've tried but sometimes she ends up feeling second best, like some kind of leftover, but she is not second best she is amazing. I don't think this is a long-term deal-breaker, I just want to make things easier for my girl.

To which Prudence answers:

It sounds as if you've done plenty to explain to your new partner that you love her completely. It also sounds as if the place of your late wife in your conversation and home is appropriate and not intrusive. Perhaps your girlfriend is trying to express to you that any reminders of your first wife are painful to her and that at best she indulges this, but editing your first wife out completely would be preferred. So it's up to you to explain that at this point in your lives you each have complicated histories that are part of who you are, and you are not comfortable if you have to catch yourself before you say things such as, "I love Florence. Rachel and I went there for our 10th anniversary." You two should have sorted this out better before moving in. But maybe a counselor will help you each understand the other's perspective.

Regular readers of this column know that I generally don’t agree with the advice Prudie gives widowers or those who are dating them. However,  I strongly agree with her that this is something the couple should have worked out before moving in together. But what really grated me was the following sentence that echoes a common refrain when the subject of taking down photographs of the late wife or putting away the late wife's personal items arrises.

Perhaps your girlfriend is trying to express to you that any reminders of your first wife are painful to her and that at best she indulges this, but editing your first wife out completely would be preferred.

For the billionth time: When a girlfriend of a widower (GOW) or a wife of a widower (WOW) objects to pictures, trinkets, or other objects around the house that remind the widower of his first marriage, it generally has nothing to do with wanting to edit or erase the first wife out of the widower’s life. Rather, it has to do with the home they share feeling like theirs instead of hers. It’s hard to move forward and concentrate on the now or even think about the future with someone when reminders of his past life are scattered around the house.

GOWs and WOWs understand that the woman he married helped make him the man he is today. They’re fine with the late wife coming up in conversation. Really, they are. They don’t expect widowers to not to talk about her. Unless she’s a constant topic of conversation, they’re not threatened by a story of his past. All they want is to feel like they’re the number one in a widower’s heart and don’t have to compete with a ghost for a widower’s love, affection, and attention. Asking for what anyone else expects in any other relationship isn't some extreme position taken by those who are insecure. It’s all about feeling like the center of the other person’s universe instead of feeling like they’re part of a threesome.

GOWs and WOWs who want the widower to edit the late wife completely out of his life are the exception—not the rule. In the 10 years that I've taken emails from women in relationships with widowers, I can count on one hand the number of times a GOW wanted to pretend that the widower was never married or never in love before she came into his life. And my advice to them has always been that they shouldn't be in a relationship with a widower if they feel that way.

Yes, we all come with a “complicated history” but that doesn't mean we should put our past out there for everyone to see. We don’t expect people to put photos of their past boyfriend and girlfriends, or ex-spouses up when they start a new relationship. Widowers shouldn't be given a pass simply because of the way their relationship ended in death instead of a mutual breakup or nasty divorce. They want the same fresh start anyone else would get.

If both parties are okay with some mementos or photographs around the house, there’s nothing wrong with that. If they don’t bother a GOW or WOW, more power to them. But can we please stop pretending that women who aren't comfortable with photos of the late wife around the house are insecure or trying to delete or edit her out of the widower’s past. It’s simply not true. All they want is to feel like is the widower is ready to give his heart to them and treat them with the same love, affection, and respect that the widower gave the late wife.

What, exactly, is wrong with that?

A Proposal: 10 Years Later

 Ten years ago today I knelt on the ground and proposed to Marathon Girl. Thankfully, she said “Yes!”

The best part, the moment I will remember for the rest of my life, is utter surprise then happiness on her face when I proposed. Hollywood couldn’t have scripted a better reaction.

The other memory that stands out is driving home as the setting sun cast an orange haze over everything, happy beyond belief and wondering what the future would hold for the two of us.

Life, of course, never turns out the way you think it will. There are always things that crop up that you never image or expect. But overall, I think it’s turned out better I ever thought it would as we drove home that warm December day.

So thanks, Marathon Girl, for saying “Yes!” I know I wouldn’t be as happy, successful, or have a wonderful family to come home to each night if it wasn’t for you and your sweet influence.

Widower Wednesday: Why You Should Watch Go On

I promised myself I wasn't going to write anything else about Go On until the season was over. But after watching two recent episodes I feel compelled to recommend this show again to widowers and those who are in relationship with them.

The show is billed as a comedy and, yes, it has some very funny moments. But it also treats the issues of losing a spouse and starting a new life very seriously.  In fact Go On does a better job of addressing the issues of loss and rebuilding a life better than any other TV show I’ve seen. Some of the scenes hit so close to home and echo the feelings of countless emails I’ve received over the years that I swear one of the writers or producers of the show has to be a widower or good friends with one because they nail the issues and feelings that the widower experience perfectly.

(Warning: Spoilers follow.)

For example, in one recent episode, a female college friend of Ryan (Matthew Perry) comes to town for a visit. Ryan finds that romantic feelings for his friend are rekindled once they spend some time together. (How many widowers have experienced something similar?) His friend finds that she has feelings for him too but at the end of the episode tells him it’s too soon for them to get together because she doesn’t want to be the rebound relationship—the first one who has to follow in the steps of Ryan’s late wife. She leaves the possibly of something happening in the future but says that Ryan needs some time and to date around a bit before they give it a shot.

It would have been really easy for the writers to put widower Ryan in a relationship with his old college flame and have him screw it up. In some ways, watching him bumble up a date with would have made for some funny scenes. But the writers aren’t going for cheap humor. They’re building a believable character with real feelings who’s surrounded by people who care for him and are trying to help him move on. That, my friends, takes real talent.

In the following episode, Ryan decides he’s finally ready to start dating again. The show starts with him watching an attractive woman jog by his house day after day. He realizes his feelings of wanting to date again and we’re given the following scene at his office the next day.

Ryan: Carrie, I’m ready to put myself back on the market. I’m down to my sexiest weight, my tan is strong, and my gift for saucy banter has come back.

Carrie (Ryan’s assistant): I've never seen you single before.

R: Yeah, it’s going to be bad. I’m bad at it. Look, I don’t know if I’m ready but I’m definitely lonely so I’m going to take some shots even if I make some terrible mistakes. (Pauses and looks at Carrie.) What about you? Should we hook up?

C: I don’t really feel like being a terrible mistake.

R: Yeah, I read you. Got to get the word out though. Let’s update my Facebook page!

Between that witty dialogue is a deep admission of how most widowers feel when they enter the dating game again: they’re lonely and willing to take a chance, even if they screw up big time.

Later in the episode Ryan gets invited to a beach volleyball game with several tall, beautiful, and athletic women. He clumsily tries to hit on them and fails miserably each time. At the end of the scene Ryan confesses to Carrie that he “doesn’t want to be doing this. I want to be married.”

Truer words were never spoken.

I’m not going to tell you how the episode ends other than to say it has a very good and very realistic message for widowers and those who are dating them.

If you want an episode that does a good job of showing what goes through a widower’s mind when they’re first dating and how easy it is for them to get attached to someone, this show does an excellent job.

You can watch the episode where Ryan starts dating below. Miss it at your own widower-relationship peril.

Not the World's Greatest Dad

It’s time I return that World’s Greatest Dad Award.

Yeah, I know, that award is bestowed upon almost every dad on Father’s Day usually in the form of a coffee mug or T-shirt. And for the most part every dad who gets one of those deserves it.

Usually, I do enough to earn it—at least in the eyes of my kids.

But I’m returning my latest award it because I don’t deserve it.

Not by a long shot.

For those who have never received the World’s Greatest Dad Award, you really need to do two things to be worth of it.

First, you need to father offspring. That’s the easy part.

Then you need to do, at the very least, basic dad stuff like throwing a football with your kid, teaching them how to ride a bike, and going camping with them.

Pulling your six-year-old son’s loose tooth. Yeah, that World’s Greatest Dad stuff.

Screwing up the tooth fairy end of things?

Well, that’s why I’m returning the award.

Yesterday I pulled a lose tooth for my six-year-old son right before bedtime. As I tucked him in, he went to bed rubbing that empty spot in his mouth with his tongue, excited that the tooth fairy would be leaving some money under his pillow. I make a mental note to return in a couple hours and make sure the tooth fairy showed up.

Then, well, I kind of forgot to check.

I didn’t realize my mistake until the next morning. I was finishing up a run on the treadmill when the kid walks into the room with a concerned look on his face.

“The tooth fairy didn’t come,” he says dejectedly.

I just about fall off the treadmill.

Before I can say anything he adds, “Maybe it was because of the storm last night. Maybe she couldn’t get here because of the rain and the wind.”

“I think you’re right,” I say between breaths. “She’ll probably come after breakfast.”

I end my run a few minute later and head upstairs to get breakfast ready for the kids. Marathon Girl comes down and in a low voice I tell her that the tooth fairy didn’t come last night.

Marathon Girl gives me the look. Yeah, you know what look I’m talking about. That look. The Fix-it-or -Else look.

I tell her not to worry and I’ll take care of everything. I’m not the World’s Greatest Dad for nothing.

So while the kids are eating I head downstairs and discover that the tooth fairy has indeed left some money and the tooth is gone. In fact it looks like the tooth fairy has slipped in an extra dollar because she was late and caused a six-year-old boy to needlessly worry.

Feeling like I dodged a bullet I head up to our room to shower knowing that by the time I’m done I’ll hear an story about the tooth fairy coming during breakfast.

Only it didn’t quite work out way.

As expected, there the six year old had found that the tooth fairly had arrived and left a little more money than usual. Excitement abounded.

The World’s Greatest Dad knows how to make things right.

Then my son paused and asks, “Why did the tooth fairy leave me a receipt?”

“What receipt?” I say.

“A receipt from a restaurant,” he says. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a long, white piece of paper. “It was stuck between my two dollars.”

I’m speechless.

I turn to Marathon Girl for help. She gives me the You-Really-Screwed-Up Look--the one all husbands get at least twice a year from their wives. It’s followed by the Fix-it-or -Else look that I got a few minutes earlier.

In other words, she’s not going to help me. I’ve got to solve this on my own.

“Oh, she probably stopped and got some breakfast this morning on her way here,” I say as I take the receipt from his fingers and set it on the counter. “But hey, you got an extra dollar. And that’s really cool.”

The Art of Distraction is something the World’s Greatest Dad knows well. It usually works wonders on kids this age.

Not this time.

“I don’t understand why she would leave a receipt,” he says truly mystified.

“Well, maybe it was so you’d know why she was late.”

“Maybe,” he says, but I can tell deep down he’s not buying it.

I hurry and get them ready for school. He doesn’t say anything on the drive over but I can tell the wheels in his head are spinning. He likes to solve problems. That’s the kind of kid he is.

By lunch he'll probably put two and two together and figure it all out.

Meanwhile, I'll take the World’s Greatest Dad trophy down from my shelf. Maybe I’ll put it up next year if I can do enough to earn it back.

And, yes, I still plan on pulling all of my kids teeth when they get really loose but I’m leaving the rest of it to Marathon Girl.

They don’t call her the World’s Greatest Mom for nothing.