This is the final call for stories from women who are or have been in a relationship with a widower for my final widower relationship book. I need any submissions by midnight tonight. If you haven’t sent yours in yet, you can email them to me here. If you need guidelines on what I’m looking for, you can find them here.
Thanks for your help with this important project.
REMINDER: If you want to contribute a personal story to my final widower relationship guide, you have until midnight tomorrow to get it to me. Click for full details of what I’m looking for.
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Sometimes I’ll get emails from women who are in secret relationships with their widowers. These aren't the kind of relationships where only the widower wants to keep things quiet. Rather, both parties decide it’s best to keep things under wraps. The most common reasons for hiding their from the world are: 1) concerned that others might think it’s too soon for the widower to be dating again, 2) worried what his/her kids will think or how his/her kids will react to the relation, 3) think that that others might they the two of them were carrying on an affair before the late wife passed on. There are other reasons too but those seem to be the most common ones.
Whatever the reason for keeping their love a secret, my advice is always the same: Don’t do it.
His family, friends, and kids aren't stupid. Your family, friends and kids aren't stupid. Odds are your “secret” relationship is obvious to everyone. By hiding it, you’re making it hard for people to trust either one of you. In addition to fostering distrust among friends and family, you’re also giving them a lot to speculate and gossip about the reason that you’re both keeping the relationship under wraps.
Unless you've got minor children at home, it’s no one’s business who you’re dating. But that doesn't mean you should act like you’re just “friends” at parties, church, or anywhere else the two of you go when there’s a lot more going on. If someone asks if you’re a couple, say “Yes!” Don’t let the thoughts or feelings of others dictate your relationship. You’re both adults. Please act like one instead of goofy high school kids or a pair of star-crossed lovers.
For those who do have minor children living at home, once things become serious with someone else, please work on a plan tell your kids what’s going on. You’re forthrightness and honesty with them is going to go a lot farther than lying to them about your love life. Unless they’re really, really young, they probably know what’s going on anyway. If you decide it’s best to keep your minor children in the dark for any reason, then you probably shouldn't be dating in the first place.
So act like a grownup. Don’t be ashamed of your new found love or feelings for another person. And remember, if a relationship has to be a secret, you probably shouldn't be in it.
Just wanted to remind everyone that if you’re planning on submitting a story to my final widower relationship book, I need it no later than Thursday, November 1. I've re-posted what I’m looking for below. Email me with any questions. Thanks!
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I’m in the midst of writing my final widower relationship guide. Tentatively titled Life with a Widower, the book will focus on the most common problems and issues not covered in my first two books. I’m hoping to have the book available before the end of the year.
And this is where I need your help.
My other two relationship books, Dating a Widower and Marrying a Widower have included wonderful stories from women who were dating or married to a widower. These stories have added insight to the chapter and helped countless others who are in a relationship with a widower. For this book I need stories from those who are or have been in a relationship with a widower. It doesn't matter if you just dated a widower once or have been happily married to one for 30 years, if you have a story to share, send it in.
I’m looking for stories that can address the following situations:
I’m looking for success stories as well as ones where things didn’t work out. Basically if you have a story that you think can help other girlfriends of widowers and wives of widowers with their current relationship I want to hear from you!
Please keep submissions between 250-750 words. You can submit more than one story but please send them in different emails. (This way I can organize them for quick reference.) Stories are due no later than Thursday, November 1, 2012. You can submit them by sending an email to writer@abelkeogh.com.
If your story is selected, you’ll receive a free copy of the new book as soon as it’s published. To protect your privacy, you can publish your story under a pen name if you wish.
Thanks for your help,
Abel
Reminder: This is the final week to send in your stories for my final widower relationship book. Learn more about the stories I’m seeking here.
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Last week I answered an email from a GOW who was worried about the parenting skills (or lack thereof) of the widower she was dating. This week I want talk about widowers who find themselves raising minor children alone. I don’t want to talk about granular examples of good or bad parenting because that differs from family to family. Rather, I want to offer some suggestions on what widowers can do to help them with the challenges of being a single parent and bring stability and direction to a home that’s been rocked by the death of one parent.
I write this as a parent of 5.5 kids and one who was a single dad (if you can really call it that) for all of nine days after my late wife died. And though I didn't have the responsibilities of taking Hope to school, feeding her, changing her diaper, or other parental activities during that time, the burden I felt on my shoulders was tremendous. In the early days when I thought Hope might actually have a chance of pulling through, I felt completely overwhelmed at the thought of raising her alone. That was something I was going to do with Krista. Never in my life did I fathom having to do such an important job by myself. So I sympathize with the struggles that widowers feel as they find themselves as the only parent for their kid(s). If Marathon Girl were to pass on today, the weight of responsibility that would come with raising three boys and two girls alone would probably crush me.
That being said, just because life throws you a curve ball doesn't give you an excuse to abdicate your duties as a father. I’ve seen too many emails from women who want to stay in the relationship because of the kids. They see kids basically raising themselves because they stew in their grief and can’t be bothered to be a dad anymore. (And as much as my heart breaks for these kids, I usually tell these women that unless the widower’s willing to come around, these relationships where they become a “single parent” because the widower won’t help out aren’t worth it.)
So here are some high-level suggestions for those who find themselves struggling to be a single dad.
I am the child of a widow (my father died when I was 8), and my mother was guilty of over-indulging us. It was awful. I felt guilty every time she gave us anything, because I knew she was doing it in an attempt to compensate for the loss of my father. It didn’t work – there isn’t anything that can make up for a loss so significant. Indulging a child on occasion is okay, doing it as a way of parenting on a regular basis is not. My brother was younger when my father died, so he pretty much grew up with an attitude of expecting to get everything he wanted, whenever he wanted it. He is still this way.
What kids need when a parent dies is consistency, understanding, and for the remaining parent to actually BE a parent, not a friend. Whatever rules were in place BEFORE the mother died, should be in place now. I understand being more flexible at first – when your whole world has been turned upside down. But you cannot live, and you definitely cannot thrive, in the upside down world. Kids need to know that even though there has been an ENORMOUS change, that some things are still unchanged. I would have felt safer if my mom had still been the same mom (regarding her rules and expectations of me) after my father’s death as she was before.
I know that it can’t be easy (my mother definitely struggled) to say ‘no’ to a child who has lost a parent, but they need it. Otherwise, it’s like losing 2 parents. As a kid who was over-indulged after losing her father, all I can tell you is that what I wanted was for my mother to be my mother. I NEEDED restrictions, I NEEDED proper nutrition, I NEEDED a bedtime, and I NEEDED to hear no. All kids do. Would I have whined and been upset at times? I’m sure I would have, but all kids do – it’s a normal part of growing up. I ended up parenting myself for the remainder of my childhood, and while it definitely made me more mature, I admit that I still feel resentment toward my mother for her “softness” after my father died.
You can read her entire comment here.
No parent is perfect. I certainly don’t claim to be one. But whether you’re a single parent or have a spouse to help you out, we all make mistakes. But you can’t become a “dead” parent to your kids. You still have to keep things running as smoothly and give them some sort of normally to your children’s lives. It’s not always easy—especially on days when you’re absolutely exhausted. But there are no days off when it comes to being a dad. You've got to keep pressing forward and being the best father you can possibly be.
Feel free to share your own thoughts and suggestions in the comments below.
When I attend college football games with the kids, halftime is used to stretch my legs and make sure that the kids take bathroom breaks so we don't have to make an emergency run to the potty while the home team makes a last minute, fourth quarter drive. But then the halftime shows I catch fleeting glimpses of are not anywhere near as amazing as what the Ohio State marching band puts on. If they were, I'd be happy to do bathroom breaks at the beginning of the third quarter. httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAzzbrFgcUw
Congratulations to the Detroit Tigers who reached the World Series yesterday. To add icing to the cake, they swept the New York Yankees to do it. Couldn’t have asked for a better way to get there. Now I’m pulling for the Giants to come back against Cardinals because I think the Tigers match up better against them. Either way I’m looking forward to watching the games with my kids. And I'm jealous of my brother who lives in Michigan. It's probably a lot funner when everyone is excited about a Tigers playing in the World Series. Here? Not that big of a deal.
Go Tigers! Enjoy the highlights of their last game below.
From the Inbox comes the following:
I’m dating widower who feels very sorry that his daughter has lost her mother. As a result he over indulges her. At age 10, she still believes in Santa Claus he says he doesn't want to tell her the truth because he worried how it will affect her. He also doesn't enforce certain types of behavior, such as having her go to bed on time (she stays up until 11:00 p.m. every night) or eat balanced meals. Basically he doesn't push her to do things she doesn't want to do.It’s very difficult for him to "deprive" her of things she likes, even when it's in her best interest in the long run.
I am concerned that should we get married it will be a rough road getting both he and his daughter to see me as a true parent who has an active role in the discipline process, too. I feel there are more constructive ways to accomplish things than to indulge children. Is there a reason the W is behaving this way? Is it guilt? What can I do to help?
There could be lots of reasons the widower is spoiling his daughter. It might be feelings of guilt about their loss or inadequacy of being a single dad. Maybe he left the parenting up to his wife and really has no clue what to do. Whatever is driving this, you’re right to be concerned. He’s made series of bad parenting decisions and needs regain control before these behaviors are ingrained in her mind and things really begin to spiral out of control.
The problem is, that you’re just the girlfriend and don’t have the same level of parental authority with the daughter as her father. Having you tell her to go to bed at, say, 9:00 p.m. doesn't carry the same weight as her father saying it.
Since you’re just in the dating stages, I would talk to the widower about his parenting (or lack thereof) and see if he even views it as a problem. If he knows he’s not doing the right thing by catering to his daughter’s every whim, then there’s hope things can change. At that point you can offer suggestions on how to be a better dad. Maybe one week he starts enforcing an earlier bedtime. The next week she has to eat her vegetables. The third week there’s another. Maybe everything changes at once. That’s something the two of you need to work out.
What’s important is that you see him manning up and taking his role as father more seriously instead of just giving it lip service. It’s also critical that you’re both on the same page when it comes to parenting roles, discipline, and other parenting issues. If you’re not in agreement on these once you become her step mother, his daughter will learn how to exploit the differences and pit the two of you against each other.
Right now it’s up to the widower to right the ship. And, yes, it needs to be fixed as soon as possible. If nothing changes it’s better to end it now. Otherwise you’re just asking for future problems and heartaches by continuing with the relationship. If the widower refuses to change, he's the one that going to have to deal with the consequences. Next week I'll write about how widowhood isn't an excuse for lousy parenting.
Have any readers experienced something similar? If so, leave a comment how you've handled bad widower parenting issues and successfully blended families.
Since I’ll out of town on Election Day, I voted absentee this year. It’s the first time I ever cast a ballot at somewhere other than a polling place. I’m glad I can still vote but I’m going to miss taking a couple of the kids with me into the voting booth and letting them push the buttons on the touch screen I point to.
Aside from the big national races there wasn’t much going on locally. No mayor or city council races. Not even any controversial or polarizing state ballot initiatives. I was kind of surprised how few things were to vote on this year. Underwhelmed, actually.
I did shake my head when I got to the state house and senate races and noticed there was only one major party candidate on the ballot. Even though the presence of the other major party on the ballot probably wouldn’t have changed my vote, I like the idea of at least having a choice. Instead having a single choice feel like I was living in totalitarian North Korea or the former Soviet Union. (And no, vanity-fueled, wacko, third party candidates don’t count as a choice.) Both major parties need strong opposition to keep them in check. Sadly, there isn’t much of that here in my neck of the woods. But if you’re not even going to put up some token opposition, you’re going to remain the minority party for a long, long time.
Maybe after this election the minority party will get their act together and actually field a candidate. Well, I can always hope.
I've done a couple of reviews for the TV show Go On. I’m not going to add any more to those right now because, as of now, the show is still going strong. But if you want to know what other widows and widowers think of the show, you can read their reviews below. There’s a wide variety of opinions out there.
Enjoy!
