Widower Wednesday: 5 Questions

You have until the end of the month to submit a story to my final widower relationship book. You can see the kind of stories I’m looking for here.

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I've received a lot of requests for a Widower Wednesday column about blending families and getting step children to accept each other. Since Marathon Girl and I didn't have any (living) children when we were married I don’t feel I can adequately address the topic. However, I know a lot of readers have done this. So if you think you have a story and some thoughts to share with GOWs and WOWs who are struggling with or looking to blend families, send me an email. I’ll post the stories in a future column.

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Occasionally I’ll get some unique questions that can be answered relatively quickly and usually aren't worth devoting an entire column to. Today you’ll find 5 of those questions below. I hope you can find some of them useful.

Q: Does a picture of the late wife in the wallet mean more than a picture of her on the wall of their home?

A: No. A photo is a photo. It doesn't matter if it’s on the wall, in someone’s wallet, or on a desk at their work. If you’re in a serious or committed relationship with a widower the question you should be asking is why isn't there a photo of you on the wall, in the wallet, or on his desk.

Q: What are some questions can you ask a widower to know if he’s ready to move on?

A: It really doesn't matter what you ask him because a widower who’s looking to use you for emotional support, sex, or as a fill-in for the late wife will say whatever you want to hear. Widowers show through their actions that they’re ready to make you number one. Widowers who are putting on an act will eventually show their true colors. Pay more attention to how a widower treats you—not what he says.

Q: Do you recommend getting back with a widower who was physically, emotionally, or verbally abusive in the past but now promises it won’t happen again?

A: No! No! No! No! No! Going back to an abusive relationship is putting yourself (and kids, if you have any) in danger. Don’t do it because odds are the abuse is going to start again at some point. Start a new life without that person in it.

Q: My widower is having a hard time moving on. I think some professional help would help him take the next step. Do you think seeing someone would help him take the next step?

A: One thing to remember about seeing a grief counselor, shrink, or some other kind of professional is that they can only help people who want to change their life or move it forward. If the widower’s open to getting help, then it might be a good idea to see someone. If he’s insists he doesn't need help or doesn't think it would do any good than you’re both wasting each other’s time and money. Also keep in mind that philosophies and techniques on how to help the bereaved can vary widely from professional to professional. You should both do your homework and find someone you both feel will be of the most help.

Q: Would you recommend a long distance relationship with a widower?

A: As a rule, no. Long distance relationships can and do work but they’re much harder to maintain because most of the communication is over the phone or computer instead of face-to-face, one-on-one time. Big breaks between personal contact means it takes longer to really get to know the other person and decide if the relationship has long term potential. Marriage and committed relationships are about spending time and making two lives one. It’s difficult to do that when you live 1,000 miles apart. If you get involved in a long distance relationship one of you is eventually going to have to pack up and move for it to work out. If one or both of you can see yourself doing than, then maybe there’s some hope that it will work. Otherwise it may not be worth the time and effort.

Widower Wednesday: Friends Who Still Grieve

Reminder: I’m looking for stories from GOWs and WOWs to use in my final widower relationship book. More information can be found here.

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One of the topics several readers suggested I write about was how to deal with friends who either don’t accept a widower’s new relationship or continue to morn their dead friend. Then yesterday a reader, doc, left the following comment about a similar problem he and his wife are currently experiencing.

“. . .[W]e have found it very difficult to deal with other peoples inability to be in the present too and in particular their lack of thought for us. They have readily let my wife be labelled [sic] as insecure. We both understand that I have a past as does my wife but we just want to live in the present.

Some people who should have been very close to us have done this by keeping a shrine of my first marriage unbeknownst to us until recently when we discovered it and it has been particularly destructive to our relationship.

I would really appreciate some advice and experiences of anyone who has had a similar problem in coping with how others respect your present and getting them to understand and do so. We have spoken to the other party involved previous to this happening and feel let down by them but they don’t seem to understand and are happy to inflict it on my wife and let her be labeled [sic] as insecure.

In reply Annie offered the following perspective.

Going just on the info you've provided, it appears that by engaging with this folks on the topic of your LW, shrines and such, you are giving life to their interference. Stop.

During the first year or so of our marriage, two of the LW”s siblings came to him and expressed their disappointment in his moving on “so quickly”. It was hurtful to them. My husband told them, I am sorry if you feel hurt but this is my life. He also made it clear that their feelings were theirs to deal with and to never bring it up to him again. He simply would not have this conversation with either of them again. The end.

I made it clear to my family and friends that my life was not a democracy and only positive, forward thinking attitudes were allowed. Anything else they could keep to themselves.

And, imo, that’s probably what you and your wife should do. Just stop engaging on the topic. Let these ppl wallow as they please but make it clear that you don’t want to hear about it again.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. Most, though not all, family and friends will get on board once they know you aren't in a game playing mood. Good luck.

In addition to agreeing with Annie’s advice, I would add that no one is obligated to spend time with anyone else—especially those that hold you back from moving forward with life or destroy your current relationship. After I married Marathon Girl we dramatically scaled back spending time with those who just didn't get that I was ready to start a new life. We didn't burn any bridges but simply just stopped associating with those who weren't ready to move forward with us. Since then they've all moved on and weave been able to re-establish relationships and now see them when our schedules and life permits.

I always tell GOWs and WOWs that life is too short to waste time with widowers who aren't ready to move on. It’s also too short to spend time with those who try to hold us back. Free yourself from destructive influences and spend that time strengthening your relationship with your spouse because that’s one relationship that can last the rest of this life and into the next as well.

Feel free to share your own stories or thoughts about friends who can’t move on with Doc in the comments section below.

Go On is Still Worth Watching

Back in August, I reviewed the pilot episode of the Matthew Perry comedy Go On. I said the show had lots of potential and hoped that the subsequent episodes would be as funny as the pilot episode. Since then the show’s aired three other episodes—all of which have been just as funny, smart, and heartwarming as the pilot. For those who aren't familiar with the show, Go On is about a sports talk radio host Ryan King (Matthew Perry) who has recently lost his wife and is trying to move forward. As a condition of employment he has to attend a support group. Since the pilot episode we’ve learned more about the different people in the support group and that moving on isn’t as cut and dry and the King character wants it to be.

Trying to make people laugh about grief and loss isn't easy yet somehow the writers continue find a way to humorously address issues about loss without going over the top. (And for those who think you shouldn't make light of loss, grief, or moving on, please grow up.)

Hilarious highlights of recent episodes include:

• The support group trying to come up with “DED WYF” (dead wife) license plates for King’s new car.
• How to play the dead wife card.
• King getting people in the support group to take action instead of just talking about their problems.

Go On is a comedy that just about anyone can enjoy. The only people that may have a hard time with it are the recently widowed. If the loss is too recent the humor of a widower trying to move on will probably fall flat. But for anyone else, the show’s worth at least one episode of your time.

4.5 stars (out of 5) for the first four episodes of Go On.

You can watch the most recent episode below.

Cutting the Cord

One of the changes we’ve made since moving into the new home is that we no opted not to get cable or satellite TV. We can’t even get over the air TV because the digital TV signals are too weak in our neck of the woods.

Much to my surprise, I haven’t noticed much of a difference in my TV viewing habits. To be honest, writing takes up a big bulk of my free time so I don’t watch much TV anyway. Aside from live sporting events I really only have time for maybe one show a week. But when I do want to watch something, it’s usually content from Hulu, Netflix, or one of the websites or apps for the TV networks. If I want news, there’s hundreds of news sites where I can read what I want in about 10 minutes. And if I want live sports, well, there are places where one can watch those events too.

The only show I’m watching with any regularity is Go On and I’m fine curling up with Marathon Girl after a long day and watching that the day or two after it airs. Even the kids, who limited TV watching consists mostly of shows on the Disney Channel can watch the latest shows on the iPad.

Back when I was a kid, if you went without TV in a way you were cut off from the world. Today, you’re not. If anything it frees you to watch things on your own schedule. I love it. And right now I see no reason why I’d ever go back.

Widower Wednesday: Women, Widowers, and Insecurity

For those who may have missed my Monday announcement, I’m looking for stories from girlfriends and wives of for my final widower relationship book. I hope to release it by the end of the year. You can find more details here.

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Last Thursday, Slate magazine’s advice columnist, Dear Prudence, answered the following question from a widower:

About five years ago, I lost my wife after a lengthy illness. The first year was hard, but I got through it thanks to my in-laws, who never stopped letting me know that I would always be part of their family. (My parents are no longer with us.) Six months ago, I met a wonderful woman I love and want to marry. My problem is that she is very twitchy about my relationship with my in-laws. We call each other frequently and I visit them, and their extended family, a few times a year, including holidays. But any time I mention them or my former wife—such as saying something she enjoyed doing—my girlfriend gets angry or very upset. She accuses me of still being in love with my late wife and not letting go of the past. I've tried to reassure her, but I feel that I have to constantly censor myself to avoid setting her off. I don't want to cut my late wife's family out of my life, and they are very happy I've found someone, but I fear an ultimatum is coming. What should I do?

—Found Love Again

Prudence (real name Emily Yoffe) is married to a widower so I thought of all the advice columnists out there, she’d have an insightful perspective on the problem. Instead she starts her answer as follows:

You've been alone a long time, and I’m sure your girlfriend has many wonderful qualities. But the portrait you paint is of someone who is jealous, insecure, and mean. You say nothing to indicate that your emotional life revolves around your late wife or that your home is a shrine to her. Nor are you trying to remake your girlfriend, Vertigo-like, into your lost love. But she can’t stand it when you mention your late wife in the most natural way. And you feel you have to hide your relationship with your former in-laws; how ironic that they are thrilled you have found someone.

You can read the rest of her answer here.

For those who don’t click over, I’d summarize her advice as follows:

• Your girlfriend doesn't get that you can love her, the late wife, and the in-laws without feeling like a third wheel.
• We all have pasts and she shouldn't be threatened by your past just like you’re not threatened by hers. Let her talk about her ex and all the fun they had when something relevant comes up. What harm could that do?
• Did I mention that your girlfriend is insecure?
• Your in-laws will be part of your life and you can tell your insecure girlfriend to shove it if she doesn't like that.
• Give your insecure girlfriend a chance to re-examine her attitude. If she doesn't shape up, dump her and find a woman who’s not insecure and can tolerate your undying love and devotion to a woman who’s six feet under.

Before I dive in deeper, it’s important to note that we’re only getting the widower’s point of view. His emotional life may very well revolve around his late wife or his home may be shrine to her or he may not be in a compromising mood when it comes to spending the holidays somewhere other than the in-laws. We have no way of knowing whether or not his girlfriend has a valid reason to feel this way. One would think that given Prudence’s background, she’d want to hear the other side of just assuming that the widower isn't overdoing it.

What really bothers me about the widower’s question and Prudence’s answer is the assumptionthat girlfriend can’t stand hearing about his late wife or visiting the in-laws because she’s insecure. It’s an assumption that comes into my email box all the time from widows and widower who disagree with me. Their tone usually goes something like this: “I’m never taking photos of the late spouse down. If the person I’m dating can’t deal with that, then I’ll find someone who’s secure enough to live with that.” The new person in their life that has the problem—not the widow or widower.

Yes, it takes some deal of self worth to date someone who will always love the late spouse. And if you’re fine with photos of the late spouse up on the wall, giant memorial tattoos, or spending every holiday with the former in-laws, that’s fine. More power to you. Most of the women who email me have already done a gut check and are okay with the widower’s past and that the late wife will always have a special place in his heart. They’re also fine if the late wife comes up in conversation or if the in-laws are part of their life. They accept that the widower has a past and are willing to move forward and start a new life together.

But the problems (and ultimatums) usually arise when the widower doesn't want to move forward and start a new life. Problems arise when the late wife is talked about to such an extent that the girlfriend feels like number two on the totem pole or thinks the widower wishes the late wife was still alive. Problems happen when former in-laws take up such a big part of his life that she feels like her family or her wants and needs are brushed to the side. Feeling like a third wheel in a relationship has nothing to do with being insecure and everything to do with wanting to be treated like the center of someone’s universe. There’s nothing wrong or insecure with wanting to be treated like number one from the person who should love you more than anyone. People expect that in any romantic relationship and are settling if they feel like the widow or widower’s heart is still with someone who’s six feet under.

Dating a widow or widower isn't for everyone. And, yes, there are those out there who don’t want a widower to mention the late wife or any part of his past. But I've always counseled those women that feel that way they shouldn't be dating a widower in the first place.

The problem, usually, isn't insecurity on behalf of the girlfriend but the fact that the widower isn't ready to fully open his heart to someone else. It’s disappointing that Prudence, of all people, doesn't at least try to recognize this.

It would be great to hear how the girlfriend in this relationship views as the problem. (If you’re the girlfriend and want to share your side of the story, email me here.) Maybe she’ll email Prudence. Or me. My gut says there’s more to this story than we’re getting. It would be nice to know what’s missing.

Share Your Story

I’m in the midst of writing my final widower relationship guide. Tentatively titled Life with a Widower, the book will focus on the most common problems and issues not covered in my first two books. I’m hoping to have the book available before the end of the year.

And this is where I need your help.

My other two relationship books, Dating a Widower and Marrying a Widower have included wonderful stories from women who were dating or married to a widower. These stories have added insight to the chapter and helped countless others who are in a relationship with a widower. For this book I need stories from those who are or have been in a relationship with a widower. It doesn’t matter if you just dated a widower once or have been happily married to one for 30 years, if you have a story to share, send it in.

I’m looking for stories that can address the following situations:

• How did the late wife’s Facebook page or other online memorials affect your relationship?

• What happened when you gave your widower a second chance at the relationship?

• How did get the strength and courage to end the relationship with a widower even though you were still in love with him?

• If the widower told you about his sex life with the late wife, how did this impact your relationship?

• How did memorial tattoos interfere with or enhance your relationship?

• What are some ways you learned to better communicate with a widower?

• How did you forgive a widower that dumped you, used you, or otherwise hurt you?

• What did you widower do when friends and family kept trying to memorialize the late wife?

• How did a long distance relationship with a widower work out?

• Does your widower participate in annual events (like 5k runs) for the late wife or work in behalf of charities, foundations, or scholarships for the late wife? If yes, has that hindered or helped your relationship?

I’m looking for success stories as well as ones where things didn’t work out. Basically if you have a story that you think can help other girlfriends of widowers and wives of widowers with their current relationship I want to hear from you!

Please keep submissions between 250-750 words. You can submit more than one story but please send them in different emails. (This way I can organize them for quick reference.) Stories are due no later than Thursday, November 1, 2012. You can submit them by sending me an email here.

If your story is selected, you’ll receive a free copy of the new book as soon as it’s published. To protect your privacy, you can publish your story under a pen name if you wish.

Thanks for your help,

Abel

Worth Reading: Wool by Hugh Howey

Even  though I read a lot of books, it's not often I like them enough to recommend them on my blog. But when I do, I'm happy to let the world know about an awesome read.

Last week I finished a series of 5 short novels called Wool by Hugh Howey. It's the best science fiction I've read in years. Wool is about a society that lives in a giant underground silo because the outside world that can only get glimpses of is uninhabitable. The writing it stellar, the characters are real, and there's enough tension and mystery that kept me up night after night way past my bedtime. Howey has a way to draw you into his world that makes you feel like you're living in this underground world.

So if you like dystopian science fiction, I highly recommend giving Wool a shot. In fact I like it so much that four co-workers and Marathon Girl are currently reading it and all are all enjoying it. (It's all I talk about at work with some of the guys.)

If you have a Kindle and aren't sure if the book is for you, click here and download the free sample. That will take you a read of  Book 1 and partway into Book 2. And if you buy it, get the Omnibus edition which combines all the short novels and novellas into one giant book.

Happy reading!

5/5 starts for Wool by Hugh Howey.

Comment Technical Difficulties

For some reason I'm no longer getting email notifications when someone posts a comment or when a comment appears in the moderation queue. So if I'm slow in replying or approving first time commentators, I apologize. I'm looking into the issue and hope to have it resolved soon. Thanks for your patience.

Widower Wednesday: 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Get a Memorial Tattoo

Awhile back I wrote about how GOWs and WOWs can deal with widowers who have memorial tattoos on their body.  For widowers who may be considering getting one, here are 5 reasons not to get a tattoo that memorializes the late wife.

1. It’s an emotional decision. Most tattoos commemorating the deceased are purely emotional decisions made soon after the loss of the spouse. Emotional decisions rarely turn out well. If you really feel that you need to memorialize your late spouse with a tattoo, wait a year and see how you feel the same way.
2. There are better ways to remember someone. If you really want to keep someone’s memory alive, raise money for charity, start a scholarship, or some other activity that can help and benefit others. Better yet, through your actions, be the kind of person the late wife would be proud of if she were still around.
3. It will interfere with future relationships. Though most widowers probably aren’t even thinking about dating again when they get a memorial tattoo, once they start another relationship, the tattoo usually gets in the way. If you don’t think most women will get over it or used to it, ask yourself what it would be like to see that the name of her ex-boyfriend or ex-husband ever y time you looked at her or got into bed with her.
4. They can make it harder to move on. One of the biggest obstacles that hold the widowed on from moving on are constant reminders of their loss. Memorial tattoos, especially those that are easy to see every time you look at your body or see yourself in a mirror, serve as a constant reminder of what was lost and make it harder to move past the loss. The best way to keep someone alive is in one’s heart—not their arm, back, or chest.
5. They could go horribly wrong. Check out the memorial tattoo below and decide if you’d like something like this on your body for the rest of your life.

Update: A reader, Tiffany, thought the following diagram would also help those wondering whether or not to get a memorial tattoo.

Books in Progress

For those who have been asking or are curious about my upcoming books, here's the latest: Currently I have four books, two novels and two works of non-fiction, in various stages of development. You can see their progress (draft and word count) below. I'm hoping to have at least one of the non-fiction projects and possibly one of the novels done by the end of the year.  As I haven't settled on titles for any of them yet, they all have code names and a summary which you can find below. I'll be adding these to the sidebar of my website soon. In addition, keep your eyes open for a call for stories for one of the non-fiction projects in the next 30-45 days! White Whale (novel) | Draft 1

A mystery about a young boy's death on a remote Wyoming mountain.

Watcher (novel) | Draft 1

A thriller about a man who's figured out the secret to eternal life.

7 Hearts (non-fiction, relationship) | Draft 2

A relationship book that focuses on the 7 things that matter most in any romantic relationship.

Widower 3 (non-fiction, relationship) | Draft 2

My final book in the Widower series. This one will touch on topics not covered in Dating a Widower or Marrying a Widower that keep coming up in the inbox or discussion boards.