Widower Wednesday: Women, Widowers, and Insecurity

For those who may have missed my Monday announcement, I’m looking for stories from girlfriends and wives of for my final widower relationship book. I hope to release it by the end of the year. You can find more details here.

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Last Thursday, Slate magazine’s advice columnist, Dear Prudence, answered the following question from a widower:

About five years ago, I lost my wife after a lengthy illness. The first year was hard, but I got through it thanks to my in-laws, who never stopped letting me know that I would always be part of their family. (My parents are no longer with us.) Six months ago, I met a wonderful woman I love and want to marry. My problem is that she is very twitchy about my relationship with my in-laws. We call each other frequently and I visit them, and their extended family, a few times a year, including holidays. But any time I mention them or my former wife—such as saying something she enjoyed doing—my girlfriend gets angry or very upset. She accuses me of still being in love with my late wife and not letting go of the past. I've tried to reassure her, but I feel that I have to constantly censor myself to avoid setting her off. I don't want to cut my late wife's family out of my life, and they are very happy I've found someone, but I fear an ultimatum is coming. What should I do?

—Found Love Again

Prudence (real name Emily Yoffe) is married to a widower so I thought of all the advice columnists out there, she’d have an insightful perspective on the problem. Instead she starts her answer as follows:

You've been alone a long time, and I’m sure your girlfriend has many wonderful qualities. But the portrait you paint is of someone who is jealous, insecure, and mean. You say nothing to indicate that your emotional life revolves around your late wife or that your home is a shrine to her. Nor are you trying to remake your girlfriend, Vertigo-like, into your lost love. But she can’t stand it when you mention your late wife in the most natural way. And you feel you have to hide your relationship with your former in-laws; how ironic that they are thrilled you have found someone.

You can read the rest of her answer here.

For those who don’t click over, I’d summarize her advice as follows:

• Your girlfriend doesn't get that you can love her, the late wife, and the in-laws without feeling like a third wheel.
• We all have pasts and she shouldn't be threatened by your past just like you’re not threatened by hers. Let her talk about her ex and all the fun they had when something relevant comes up. What harm could that do?
• Did I mention that your girlfriend is insecure?
• Your in-laws will be part of your life and you can tell your insecure girlfriend to shove it if she doesn't like that.
• Give your insecure girlfriend a chance to re-examine her attitude. If she doesn't shape up, dump her and find a woman who’s not insecure and can tolerate your undying love and devotion to a woman who’s six feet under.

Before I dive in deeper, it’s important to note that we’re only getting the widower’s point of view. His emotional life may very well revolve around his late wife or his home may be shrine to her or he may not be in a compromising mood when it comes to spending the holidays somewhere other than the in-laws. We have no way of knowing whether or not his girlfriend has a valid reason to feel this way. One would think that given Prudence’s background, she’d want to hear the other side of just assuming that the widower isn't overdoing it.

What really bothers me about the widower’s question and Prudence’s answer is the assumptionthat girlfriend can’t stand hearing about his late wife or visiting the in-laws because she’s insecure. It’s an assumption that comes into my email box all the time from widows and widower who disagree with me. Their tone usually goes something like this: “I’m never taking photos of the late spouse down. If the person I’m dating can’t deal with that, then I’ll find someone who’s secure enough to live with that.” The new person in their life that has the problem—not the widow or widower.

Yes, it takes some deal of self worth to date someone who will always love the late spouse. And if you’re fine with photos of the late spouse up on the wall, giant memorial tattoos, or spending every holiday with the former in-laws, that’s fine. More power to you. Most of the women who email me have already done a gut check and are okay with the widower’s past and that the late wife will always have a special place in his heart. They’re also fine if the late wife comes up in conversation or if the in-laws are part of their life. They accept that the widower has a past and are willing to move forward and start a new life together.

But the problems (and ultimatums) usually arise when the widower doesn't want to move forward and start a new life. Problems arise when the late wife is talked about to such an extent that the girlfriend feels like number two on the totem pole or thinks the widower wishes the late wife was still alive. Problems happen when former in-laws take up such a big part of his life that she feels like her family or her wants and needs are brushed to the side. Feeling like a third wheel in a relationship has nothing to do with being insecure and everything to do with wanting to be treated like the center of someone’s universe. There’s nothing wrong or insecure with wanting to be treated like number one from the person who should love you more than anyone. People expect that in any romantic relationship and are settling if they feel like the widow or widower’s heart is still with someone who’s six feet under.

Dating a widow or widower isn't for everyone. And, yes, there are those out there who don’t want a widower to mention the late wife or any part of his past. But I've always counseled those women that feel that way they shouldn't be dating a widower in the first place.

The problem, usually, isn't insecurity on behalf of the girlfriend but the fact that the widower isn't ready to fully open his heart to someone else. It’s disappointing that Prudence, of all people, doesn't at least try to recognize this.

It would be great to hear how the girlfriend in this relationship views as the problem. (If you’re the girlfriend and want to share your side of the story, email me here.) Maybe she’ll email Prudence. Or me. My gut says there’s more to this story than we’re getting. It would be nice to know what’s missing.

Share Your Story

I’m in the midst of writing my final widower relationship guide. Tentatively titled Life with a Widower, the book will focus on the most common problems and issues not covered in my first two books. I’m hoping to have the book available before the end of the year.

And this is where I need your help.

My other two relationship books, Dating a Widower and Marrying a Widower have included wonderful stories from women who were dating or married to a widower. These stories have added insight to the chapter and helped countless others who are in a relationship with a widower. For this book I need stories from those who are or have been in a relationship with a widower. It doesn’t matter if you just dated a widower once or have been happily married to one for 30 years, if you have a story to share, send it in.

I’m looking for stories that can address the following situations:

• How did the late wife’s Facebook page or other online memorials affect your relationship?

• What happened when you gave your widower a second chance at the relationship?

• How did get the strength and courage to end the relationship with a widower even though you were still in love with him?

• If the widower told you about his sex life with the late wife, how did this impact your relationship?

• How did memorial tattoos interfere with or enhance your relationship?

• What are some ways you learned to better communicate with a widower?

• How did you forgive a widower that dumped you, used you, or otherwise hurt you?

• What did you widower do when friends and family kept trying to memorialize the late wife?

• How did a long distance relationship with a widower work out?

• Does your widower participate in annual events (like 5k runs) for the late wife or work in behalf of charities, foundations, or scholarships for the late wife? If yes, has that hindered or helped your relationship?

I’m looking for success stories as well as ones where things didn’t work out. Basically if you have a story that you think can help other girlfriends of widowers and wives of widowers with their current relationship I want to hear from you!

Please keep submissions between 250-750 words. You can submit more than one story but please send them in different emails. (This way I can organize them for quick reference.) Stories are due no later than Thursday, November 1, 2012. You can submit them by sending me an email here.

If your story is selected, you’ll receive a free copy of the new book as soon as it’s published. To protect your privacy, you can publish your story under a pen name if you wish.

Thanks for your help,

Abel

Worth Reading: Wool by Hugh Howey

Even  though I read a lot of books, it's not often I like them enough to recommend them on my blog. But when I do, I'm happy to let the world know about an awesome read.

Last week I finished a series of 5 short novels called Wool by Hugh Howey. It's the best science fiction I've read in years. Wool is about a society that lives in a giant underground silo because the outside world that can only get glimpses of is uninhabitable. The writing it stellar, the characters are real, and there's enough tension and mystery that kept me up night after night way past my bedtime. Howey has a way to draw you into his world that makes you feel like you're living in this underground world.

So if you like dystopian science fiction, I highly recommend giving Wool a shot. In fact I like it so much that four co-workers and Marathon Girl are currently reading it and all are all enjoying it. (It's all I talk about at work with some of the guys.)

If you have a Kindle and aren't sure if the book is for you, click here and download the free sample. That will take you a read of  Book 1 and partway into Book 2. And if you buy it, get the Omnibus edition which combines all the short novels and novellas into one giant book.

Happy reading!

5/5 starts for Wool by Hugh Howey.

Comment Technical Difficulties

For some reason I'm no longer getting email notifications when someone posts a comment or when a comment appears in the moderation queue. So if I'm slow in replying or approving first time commentators, I apologize. I'm looking into the issue and hope to have it resolved soon. Thanks for your patience.

Widower Wednesday: 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Get a Memorial Tattoo

Awhile back I wrote about how GOWs and WOWs can deal with widowers who have memorial tattoos on their body.  For widowers who may be considering getting one, here are 5 reasons not to get a tattoo that memorializes the late wife.

1. It’s an emotional decision. Most tattoos commemorating the deceased are purely emotional decisions made soon after the loss of the spouse. Emotional decisions rarely turn out well. If you really feel that you need to memorialize your late spouse with a tattoo, wait a year and see how you feel the same way.
2. There are better ways to remember someone. If you really want to keep someone’s memory alive, raise money for charity, start a scholarship, or some other activity that can help and benefit others. Better yet, through your actions, be the kind of person the late wife would be proud of if she were still around.
3. It will interfere with future relationships. Though most widowers probably aren’t even thinking about dating again when they get a memorial tattoo, once they start another relationship, the tattoo usually gets in the way. If you don’t think most women will get over it or used to it, ask yourself what it would be like to see that the name of her ex-boyfriend or ex-husband ever y time you looked at her or got into bed with her.
4. They can make it harder to move on. One of the biggest obstacles that hold the widowed on from moving on are constant reminders of their loss. Memorial tattoos, especially those that are easy to see every time you look at your body or see yourself in a mirror, serve as a constant reminder of what was lost and make it harder to move past the loss. The best way to keep someone alive is in one’s heart—not their arm, back, or chest.
5. They could go horribly wrong. Check out the memorial tattoo below and decide if you’d like something like this on your body for the rest of your life.

Update: A reader, Tiffany, thought the following diagram would also help those wondering whether or not to get a memorial tattoo.

Books in Progress

For those who have been asking or are curious about my upcoming books, here's the latest: Currently I have four books, two novels and two works of non-fiction, in various stages of development. You can see their progress (draft and word count) below. I'm hoping to have at least one of the non-fiction projects and possibly one of the novels done by the end of the year.  As I haven't settled on titles for any of them yet, they all have code names and a summary which you can find below. I'll be adding these to the sidebar of my website soon. In addition, keep your eyes open for a call for stories for one of the non-fiction projects in the next 30-45 days! White Whale (novel) | Draft 1

A mystery about a young boy's death on a remote Wyoming mountain.

Watcher (novel) | Draft 1

A thriller about a man who's figured out the secret to eternal life.

7 Hearts (non-fiction, relationship) | Draft 2

A relationship book that focuses on the 7 things that matter most in any romantic relationship.

Widower 3 (non-fiction, relationship) | Draft 2

My final book in the Widower series. This one will touch on topics not covered in Dating a Widower or Marrying a Widower that keep coming up in the inbox or discussion boards.

Widower Wednesday: It Doesn’t Matter How She Died

First, a quick reminder about some different dating a widower resources out there. For women who are currently dating or married to a widower, there’s the Dating a Widower Facebook group. It’s a great place to vent, ask questions, or socialize with other women who have been there, done that.

For widowers who are dating again or thinking about dating again, there’s the Widowers Dating Again Facebook group. We’re not quite as chatty as the Dating a Widower group but the conversations we do have are very helpful. It’s also a great place to beat your chest or do a reality check with other widowers who are dating again.

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The first thing to remember when dating a widower is not to make excuses for his bad behavior. Too often women give bad behavior a pass because they think the widower is still grieving or dealing with other death related issues. As a result they overlook or ignore signs that the widower isn’t ready to move on with his life and is simply using that person to fill the void in his life.

Lately it seems I’ve got a flood of emails asking if how the late wife died has anything to do with a widower’s ability to commit to a long term relationship. It doesn’t matter if the late wife was killed in a car crash, took her own life, was murdered, or died from a horrible illness. How she died has little or no bearing on whether or not a widower can start a new chapter in his life and commit to a new relationship.

All widowers have to take a similar mental and physical journey to put the past in a special place and move forward. How the late wife died may add or subtract a step or two but the journey of starting a new chapter is basically the same for everyone—regardless of how their spouse died.

What about widowers who who’s late wife died from a prolonged illness? Because they’ve had time to say goodbye, they’re generally more prepared than other widowers to start dating earlier than, say, a widower who’s wife died unexpectedly. However, just because they’re father along in the grieving process doesn’t mean they more willing to commit or won’t have other issues to deal with.

So don’t let the way his wife died cause you to make excuses for his inability to commit or other bad behavior. Widowers who are ready to start a new chapter in their lives with someone else will do so. How the late wife died has very little, if anything, to with a widower’s ability to make you number one.

Home Sweet Home

We’ve finally moved into our home or at least feel like we’ve moved into it. Ninety percent of the boxes are unpacked, there are pictures on the wall, and I think it’s been three or four days since I had to ask Marathon Girl where something was. It’s nice to feel like we’re actually moved in.

One thing you never really know when you buy a home is what the neighborhood is like. You can get a rough idea buy driving through it and talking to a neighbor or two but you never really know how friendly everyone is going to be or what the neighborhood culture is like until you actually move in and meet everyone. Over the years I’ve moved into places where everyone was friendly and welcoming and others where the only contact you ever had with the neighbors is when they pulled out of their driveway every morning.

Fortunately, we’ve moved into the friendliest neighborhood I’ve ever lived in. A bunch of people came over and helped us move in the first day. While that was going on, neighborhood kids swarmed our house looking to see if we had kids to play with. Within two days we’ve met everyone on the street. All the older kids have new friends who they play with all the time. (The baby seems to be indifferent to all this. Go figure.) Even Marathon Girl, who tends to be shy and quiet in new surroundings, feels like she has neighbor she can talk to or call on if she needs something. Everyone in the family seems happy with the new home, the new neighborhood, and has quickly adjusted to our new surroundings.

Then on Saturday Marathon Girl and I were outside working on our yard. A lady drove up and introduced herself as the person who just bought the house for sale on the far end of the street. We talked for a few minutes about the neighborhood and our families. When we were done she drove up the street and introduced herself to another neighbor who was out watching her kids play in the front yard.

I think she’ll fit right in.

Widower Wednesday: A Life Alone

First, sorry for the delay in this week’s Widower Wednesday column. With new projects at work and still adjusting and moving in to our new home, free time to write this column and work on my upcoming books has been nonexistent. But I find myself with a free hour which is just enough time to respond to the following email:

Dear Abel,

I've been going through your blog, and I was wondering what your response would be to learning how to be single, or being a peace with being alone first. You've pointed out several times that widowers jump into a relationship to possibly fill in a void, and in that case, perhaps an explanation as to how you dealt with being alone during the first few months would be helpful.

I lost my fiancé a month ago, and I am figuring out how to go through this myself.

Thanks,

Mark (name changed)

First, I’m sorry for your loss. Adjusting to live without someone who has been a major part of your life isn’t easy. I hope what I share can help you and others find that peace you seek.

In my case, I had a difficult time adjusting to life without my late wife and didn’t handle it well as I could have. Even though I did some things right, the biggest mistake I made was jumping into serious relationship thinking it would heal my heart and solve many of the issues I was working through. Instead it caused more problems than it solved.

Based on what I learned from that first year alone, here are three things I suggest other widowers do that can help make the adjustment easier and help find that inner peace the recently widowed seek.

• Keep busy. Nothing is worse for the recently widowed than sitting around with nothing to do or watching endless amounts of TV. Dive into a hobby or that can keep you focused and busy when you might otherwise find yourself alone with time on your hands. I found solace in blogging and gutting and rebuilding a home. It kept me busy and distracted during the first few months after her passing. I might have gone crazy if I didn’t have those two activities to fall back on.
• Give your life some structure. Our lives generally fall into a series of routines. When we lose a spouse many of routines are disrupted and destroyed. Getting back into a routine gives life the structure that helps keep us sane and focused. One of the best things that happened in the months following the LW’s death was that our two best friends invited me over every Wednesday night for dinner. This went on for 6-8 months. Having dinner with them was the highlight of my week. It gave me something to look forward to. So find friends to hang out with or other activities that you enjoy that can put some basic routines back in your life.
• Find ways to help and serve others. Many people are going through unemployment, divorce, financial problems, and many other things. Whether it was mowing a neighbor’s lawn, helping someone move, or volunteering with a church all helped me forget my own problems and helped me feel connected to the community. Though you may not think their trials are same level as losing a spouse, forgetting about yourself and helping others is a great way to keep yourself grounded and realize that despite your own trials and difficulties, you still have many things to be thankful for.
• Peace and acceptance comes from within. Keep in mind that staying busy or starting a new relationship by themselves isn’t going to bring you peace, comfort, or acceptance. They’re simply tools to help you go on from one day to the next. Eventually you’re going to have to go through the inner struggle of accepting your loss and being okay with starting a new chapter in your life. It’s not the easiest process but coming through the other side and realizing that life is still worth living and there’s lots of joy to be had is worth the struggle. Don’t be afraid to start that journey.

I hope this helps, Mark, and I wish you the best as you embark on a new chapter in your life. Keep in touch.

WW Late

I apologize for the lack of a Widower Wednesday column yesterday. I'm in the middle of some major projects at work and the 11 hour day yesterday didn't allow for me to write something up. I hope to have something up soon. Thanks you guys, I have plenty of topics to write about and lots I want to say. Stay tuned and thanks for your patience.