Widower Wednesday: It Doesn’t Matter How She Died

First, a quick reminder about some different dating a widower resources out there. For women who are currently dating or married to a widower, there’s the Dating a Widower Facebook group. It’s a great place to vent, ask questions, or socialize with other women who have been there, done that.

For widowers who are dating again or thinking about dating again, there’s the Widowers Dating Again Facebook group. We’re not quite as chatty as the Dating a Widower group but the conversations we do have are very helpful. It’s also a great place to beat your chest or do a reality check with other widowers who are dating again.

***

The first thing to remember when dating a widower is not to make excuses for his bad behavior. Too often women give bad behavior a pass because they think the widower is still grieving or dealing with other death related issues. As a result they overlook or ignore signs that the widower isn’t ready to move on with his life and is simply using that person to fill the void in his life.

Lately it seems I’ve got a flood of emails asking if how the late wife died has anything to do with a widower’s ability to commit to a long term relationship. It doesn’t matter if the late wife was killed in a car crash, took her own life, was murdered, or died from a horrible illness. How she died has little or no bearing on whether or not a widower can start a new chapter in his life and commit to a new relationship.

All widowers have to take a similar mental and physical journey to put the past in a special place and move forward. How the late wife died may add or subtract a step or two but the journey of starting a new chapter is basically the same for everyone—regardless of how their spouse died.

What about widowers who who’s late wife died from a prolonged illness? Because they’ve had time to say goodbye, they’re generally more prepared than other widowers to start dating earlier than, say, a widower who’s wife died unexpectedly. However, just because they’re father along in the grieving process doesn’t mean they more willing to commit or won’t have other issues to deal with.

So don’t let the way his wife died cause you to make excuses for his inability to commit or other bad behavior. Widowers who are ready to start a new chapter in their lives with someone else will do so. How the late wife died has very little, if anything, to with a widower’s ability to make you number one.

Home Sweet Home

We’ve finally moved into our home or at least feel like we’ve moved into it. Ninety percent of the boxes are unpacked, there are pictures on the wall, and I think it’s been three or four days since I had to ask Marathon Girl where something was. It’s nice to feel like we’re actually moved in.

One thing you never really know when you buy a home is what the neighborhood is like. You can get a rough idea buy driving through it and talking to a neighbor or two but you never really know how friendly everyone is going to be or what the neighborhood culture is like until you actually move in and meet everyone. Over the years I’ve moved into places where everyone was friendly and welcoming and others where the only contact you ever had with the neighbors is when they pulled out of their driveway every morning.

Fortunately, we’ve moved into the friendliest neighborhood I’ve ever lived in. A bunch of people came over and helped us move in the first day. While that was going on, neighborhood kids swarmed our house looking to see if we had kids to play with. Within two days we’ve met everyone on the street. All the older kids have new friends who they play with all the time. (The baby seems to be indifferent to all this. Go figure.) Even Marathon Girl, who tends to be shy and quiet in new surroundings, feels like she has neighbor she can talk to or call on if she needs something. Everyone in the family seems happy with the new home, the new neighborhood, and has quickly adjusted to our new surroundings.

Then on Saturday Marathon Girl and I were outside working on our yard. A lady drove up and introduced herself as the person who just bought the house for sale on the far end of the street. We talked for a few minutes about the neighborhood and our families. When we were done she drove up the street and introduced herself to another neighbor who was out watching her kids play in the front yard.

I think she’ll fit right in.

 

Widower Wednesday: A Life Alone

First, sorry for the delay in this week’s Widower Wednesday column. With new projects at work and still adjusting and moving in to our new home, free time to write this column and work on my upcoming books has been nonexistent. But I find myself with a free hour which is just enough time to respond to the following email:

Dear Abel,

I've been going through your blog, and I was wondering what your response would be to learning how to be single, or being a peace with being alone first. You've pointed out several times that widowers jump into a relationship to possibly fill in a void, and in that case, perhaps an explanation as to how you dealt with being alone during the first few months would be helpful.

I lost my fiancé a month ago, and I am figuring out how to go through this myself.

Thanks,

Mark (name changed)

First, I’m sorry for your loss. Adjusting to live without someone who has been a major part of your life isn’t easy. I hope what I share can help you and others find that peace you seek.

In my case, I had a difficult time adjusting to life without my late wife and didn’t handle it well as I could have. Even though I did some things right, the biggest mistake I made was jumping into serious relationship thinking it would heal my heart and solve many of the issues I was working through. Instead it caused more problems than it solved.

Based on what I learned from that first year alone, here are three things I suggest other widowers do that can help make the adjustment easier and help find that inner peace the recently widowed seek.

  • Keep busy. Nothing is worse for the recently widowed than sitting around with nothing to do or watching endless amounts of TV. Dive into a hobby or that can keep you focused and busy when you might otherwise find yourself alone with time on your hands. I found solace in blogging and gutting and rebuilding a home. It kept me busy and distracted during the first few months after her passing. I might have gone crazy if I didn’t have those two activities to fall back on.
  • Give your life some structure. Our lives generally fall into a series of routines. When we lose a spouse many of routines are disrupted and destroyed. Getting back into a routine gives life the structure that helps keep us sane and focused. One of the best things that happened in the months following the LW’s death was that our two best friends invited me over every Wednesday night for dinner. This went on for 6-8 months. Having dinner with them was the highlight of my week. It gave me something to look forward to. So find friends to hang out with or other activities that you enjoy that can put some basic routines back in your life.
  • Find ways to help and serve others. Many people are going through unemployment, divorce, financial problems, and many other things. Whether it was mowing a neighbor’s lawn, helping someone move, or volunteering with a church all helped me forget my own problems and helped me feel connected to the community. Though you may not think their trials are same level as losing a spouse, forgetting about yourself and helping others is a great way to keep yourself grounded and realize that despite your own trials and difficulties, you still have many things to be thankful for.
  • Peace and acceptance comes from within. Keep in mind that staying busy or starting a new relationship by themselves isn’t going to bring you peace, comfort, or acceptance. They’re simply tools to help you go on from one day to the next. Eventually you’re going to have to go through the inner struggle of accepting your loss and being okay with starting a new chapter in your life. It’s not the easiest process but coming through the other side and realizing that life is still worth living and there’s lots of joy to be had is worth the struggle. Don’t be afraid to start that journey.

I hope this helps, Mark, and I wish you the best as you embark on a new chapter in your life. Keep in touch.

WW Late

I apologize for the lack of a Widower Wednesday column yesterday. I'm in the middle of some major projects at work and the 11 hour day yesterday didn't allow for me to write something up. I hope to have something up soon. Thanks you guys, I have plenty of topics to write about and lots I want to say. Stay tuned and thanks for your patience.

Widower Wednesday: Sex with the Late Wife

First, thanks to everyone who left suggestions for future Widower Wednesday columns. There were a lot of great ideas presented and you’ll see them in future columns over the next couple of months.

Second, our move was successful. It was an all day, arduous event but we finally got everything unloaded last Wednesday. Right now we’re in the process of unpacking and getting settled in. And we’re so happy to finally have our own place. More on the adventures of life in our new home will be posted soon.

Now on to today’s Widower Wednesday . . .

Readers of this column know I’m a big proponent of learning how to communicate with your widower about relationship issues. A lot of widower-related relationship issues can start to be solved just by taking the time to talk to the widower about what’s on your mind and how his actions (or inactions) affect you and your relationship.

I also believe that to have a healthy relationship, people being able to talk about anything and everything with their partner. Being able to talk with someone about what’s on your mind with someone who will actually listen and talk with you about something is a necessary component to any healthy relationship.

However, I’m going to make one big exception: Don’t ask the widower about his sex life with the late wife.

Recently a couple of mailers inquired about the widowers past sex life and immediately regretted learning more. For example, one woman asked her widower what the most sexually adventurous thing he’d ever done with the late wife. The answer shocked her so much that she seriously thought of ending the relationship because she couldn’t get a certain image out of her head. A second woman (who apparently had a couple of drinks) started asking her widower about how sex with her compared with sex with the late wife. After listening to several detailed stories about what it was like to make love to the late wife, she stood up and left with tears running down her face thinking that she’d never be able to be as good as the late wife in bed.

Discussing the widower’s past sex life (or yours for that matter) is as poisonous to any relationship as having a ton of photos and other reminders of the past all over your home. The intimate moments between a couple should stay between them. Period. What they did together in their intimate moments has no bearing on your current relationship. What’s important is how you two enjoy each other now as opposed what he used to do with someone else.

For the widowers who read this column, if your girlfriend or wife asks about your sex life with the late wife, don’t answer it. Tell her that what you and the late wife shared in the bedroom was between the you and her and, like any intimate relationship you currently have, it’s not to be shared with others. And please don’t voluntarily bring up information about your past escapades with the late wife or others. You’re asking for nothing but trouble if this information gets out.

Unfortunately, I can speak to personal experience about this. I let something about my love life with the late wife slip early in my marriage to Marathon Girl. Even though it was a little thing it made Marathon Girl feel like in one small way she couldn’t measure up. Yes, we worked through it and our love life is fine thankyouverymuch, but it was an issue we wouldn’t have had to deal with if only I had kept my big mouth shut.

So when it comes to the widower’s past sex life, don’t ask about it and don’t tell anyone about it. It’s not important to your current relationship. Concentrate on each other and your current need. Your relationship will be stronger because of it.

 

Widower Wednesday: Call for Topics

If you’re reading this, then I’m spending the day moving the family into our new home. Since I won’t have time to write a Widower Wednesday column today, I thought I’d see what topics you’d like addressed in a future column. Requests I’ve received over the last week that I’ll be addressing in the next few weeks include:

  • Why widowers shouldn’t get a memorial tattoo
  • Tips and tricks to help widowers adjust to life alone
  • Does how the late wife died affect the widower’s ability to move on?

Leave your ideas in to comment section below or send me an email. Look for a new column on one of the aforementioned topics next Wednesday.

This House Thing Might Finally Happen

We signed the papers to buy our home this morning. Assuming all goes well, we should have the keys on Monday and move into our place sometime next week.

Finally, we can have a place of our own again. I haven't seen Marathon Girl this happy in weeks.

Crossing our fingers that all goes according to plan.

Widower Wednesday: Go On

I don’t watch a lot of TV. With five young kids and four books in various stages of completion, I don’t have the time or energy to commit to the boob tube. But with Marathon Girl glued to the Olympics for two weeks (about the only time she watches TV) I kept seeing the promos for the new Mathew Perry show Go On. The subject matter of a recent widower trying to move on was enough to entice me to put down the pen for 30 minutes and see if the show was worth watching.

Much to my surprise, the pilot episode was entertaining, funny, and heartwarming. If done right, the show has lots of potential.

For those who haven’t seen it, Matthew Perry plays Ryan King, a recent widower who’s required to attend grief therapy before he can return to work. He ends up in a support group for “life change” filled with a bunch of eccentric characters who are dealing with the loss of their cat to a brother who’s in a coma. He brings cheerfulness and humor to a group that run by a strict Kubler-Ross type named Lauren (played by Laura Benanti) who wants to help people but whose “qualifications” for running the group is motivating people to lose weight through Weight Watchers.

It’s hard to find humor in loss and grief but the writers find the perfect mix of humor and heartfelt moments while doing a good job poking at the general absurdity of so some of the grief techniques and practices that “help” people move on.

As a former widower, Perry’s character felt real. He wants to move on with his life but is in denial about the need to get his life in order. Instead of dealing with his emotions, he turns to humor to deflect his feelings about loss. And the moments in the support group when he starts a March Sadness tournament in order to give someone sob-story bragging rights flat out hilarious. And even though his character is egotistical and self-absorbed (his favorite activity is listening to past sports shows he’s done), we see a hint of warmth as he goes out of his way to help certain members of the group come out of their shell.

Whether or not future episodes of Go On will be just as entertaining will depend a lot whether or not the writers let all of the characters in the show evolve. In real life we don’t like people who can’t move on with their life after a tragic event and it’s the same for characters in TV show. It would be easy to let those in the support group become standing punch lines for whatever situation Perry finds himself in. But since they showed some of the people taking baby steps at moving forward in the pilot, I’m hoping that they’ll move on from the group and be replaced by others.

The Perry character will have to evolve as well. Currently he’s kind of a sad jerk who we end up rooting for only because we see his genuine sadness at different times during the show. However, in order for us to root for him week after week, he can’t be a sullen jerk forever. At some point he’s going to have to come to terms with his loss and do what it takes to move on and either leave the group or become someone who leads. As part of his evolution, I’d like to see him start flirting with and dating the support group leader, Lauren, as there is plenty of funny and heartfelt dating a widower situations that could fill up an entire season or two.

I highly recommend watching the pilot. (You can watch it below). For the first time in years, I have a show to watch on regular basis. Hopefully future episodes are just as good.

Marrying a Widower Available from iTunes

Good news! Marrying a Widower is now available through iTunes and the Apple bookstore. Thanks for those readers who patiently waited while I navigated the iTunes approval process to get it in. There were a couple of formatting issues that kept cropping up with the manuscript, thus delaying the approval process. But it's up there now and will be so long as Apple runs an eBook store.

And for those who want to read Dating a Widower on their iPad or other Apple device, you can find it on iTunes here.