Widower Wednesday: Sex with the Late Wife

First, thanks to everyone who left suggestions for future Widower Wednesday columns. There were a lot of great ideas presented and you’ll see them in future columns over the next couple of months.

Second, our move was successful. It was an all day, arduous event but we finally got everything unloaded last Wednesday. Right now we’re in the process of unpacking and getting settled in. And we’re so happy to finally have our own place. More on the adventures of life in our new home will be posted soon.

Now on to today’s Widower Wednesday . . .

Readers of this column know I’m a big proponent of learning how to communicate with your widower about relationship issues. A lot of widower-related relationship issues can start to be solved just by taking the time to talk to the widower about what’s on your mind and how his actions (or inactions) affect you and your relationship.

I also believe that to have a healthy relationship, people being able to talk about anything and everything with their partner. Being able to talk with someone about what’s on your mind with someone who will actually listen and talk with you about something is a necessary component to any healthy relationship.

However, I’m going to make one big exception: Don’t ask the widower about his sex life with the late wife.

Recently a couple of mailers inquired about the widowers past sex life and immediately regretted learning more. For example, one woman asked her widower what the most sexually adventurous thing he’d ever done with the late wife. The answer shocked her so much that she seriously thought of ending the relationship because she couldn’t get a certain image out of her head. A second woman (who apparently had a couple of drinks) started asking her widower about how sex with her compared with sex with the late wife. After listening to several detailed stories about what it was like to make love to the late wife, she stood up and left with tears running down her face thinking that she’d never be able to be as good as the late wife in bed.

Discussing the widower’s past sex life (or yours for that matter) is as poisonous to any relationship as having a ton of photos and other reminders of the past all over your home. The intimate moments between a couple should stay between them. Period. What they did together in their intimate moments has no bearing on your current relationship. What’s important is how you two enjoy each other now as opposed what he used to do with someone else.

For the widowers who read this column, if your girlfriend or wife asks about your sex life with the late wife, don’t answer it. Tell her that what you and the late wife shared in the bedroom was between the you and her and, like any intimate relationship you currently have, it’s not to be shared with others. And please don’t voluntarily bring up information about your past escapades with the late wife or others. You’re asking for nothing but trouble if this information gets out.

Unfortunately, I can speak to personal experience about this. I let something about my love life with the late wife slip early in my marriage to Marathon Girl. Even though it was a little thing it made Marathon Girl feel like in one small way she couldn’t measure up. Yes, we worked through it and our love life is fine thankyouverymuch, but it was an issue we wouldn’t have had to deal with if only I had kept my big mouth shut.

So when it comes to the widower’s past sex life, don’t ask about it and don’t tell anyone about it. It’s not important to your current relationship. Concentrate on each other and your current need. Your relationship will be stronger because of it.