Widower Wednesday: Testing the Water

Marrying a Widower update: I’ve gone through and selected the stories I’m using for the book but haven’t sent out any notifications emails because I’m in the process of editing a few of them. So if you haven’t heard back from me, don’t worry. You should have the email about your story this weekend.

Also, I got the bloodied manuscript back from the editor on Monday. I’ll finish up rewriting the manuscript based on her suggestions tonight then send it off to a handful of beta readers (who are all married to widowers) for their input. The book is still on track for publication sometime in April.

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The other day I got an email from a GOW whose widower just asked her to move in with him. Though she loved the man and wanted the relationship to move forward, she was hesitant to start living with him because of the way the widower made the request. He said living together would be a good test to see how compatible they really were. The fact that the widower felt the need to test out living together instead of using it as a stepping stone toward marriage made the GOW pause. She asked if his desire to test things out was a red flag she should be concerned about.

You can’t test a lifelong commitment or try out unconditional love. Either people know the relationship is going to work or they don’t. And it doesn’t take living together for months or years to figure it out if two people are compatible. I knew within a few weeks of dating Krista that I could be happy spending the rest of my life with her. With Marathon Girl I knew on the second or third date that she was the one for me. I never had the desire to “test” the relationships because I knew that I could be happy spending my life with either of them. Maybe others don’t know that fast, but a good chunk of my married friends (male and female) knew they could be happy with their eventual spouses within two or three months of dating. They may not have rushed to get married after that realization but there wasn’t any doubt in their minds that that had found someone they could be happy with for the rest of their lives. Of my friends who choose to live together before tying the knot did it more out of convenience or to spend more time together—not because they weren’t sure if things were going to work out.

Widowers who want to live together as some sort of test drive are expressing their true doubts and concerns about the long-term potential of the relationship. If you’re going to start living together there shouldn’t be any doubt in either of your minds that you can see yourself spending the rest of your lives together. Love and commitment don’t need to be tested. They’re either part of a relationship or they aren’t. So unless you have your own misgivings about the relationship, moving in with a widower as a test drive isn’t a good idea.

WW Late II

Due to a computer error, Widower Wednesday is running a little late today. It will still be posted today, it just might be rather late. Thanks for understanding.

Abel

Two Inches of Snow

Apparently I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a kid. This realization smacked me full in the face two weeks ago when the kids woke up and found two inches of fresh, white snow covering everything.

Normally two inches of snow isn’t something to get excited about—at least not in northern Utah. Yes, we have the greatest snow on earth but it’s usually we more that I want to deal with. But this winter snow storms have been few and far between and these two inches of snow was the biggest storm to date.

Being an adult, no snow is good news. No, wait, it’s great news. I don’t have to worry about whether or not I’ll die in some horrific accident caused by snow packed roads on the way to or from work. And it makes running outside in the winter more enjoyable and inviting. I have no complaints about the mild winter.

But for kids, no snow is one of the worst things that can happen. Without snow there are no snowball fights to be had, snowmen to create, or sledding to be done. In short, winter becomes cold, dark, and pointless.

Thankfully my kids haven’t forgotten what it’s like to be a kid. They saw those two inches of snow and went crazy. They practically had their hats and coats on as they ran into our bedroom.

Kids: It snowed! Can we go sledding?

Me: [Getting out of bed and looking out the window] Looks like only two inches on the ground. Probably not enough for sledding

Kids: We can sled on two inches of snow!

Me: [Looking out the window again] But I can see spots of grass on hill.

Kids: But we haven’t gone sledding all year!

Me: That’s because there hasn’t been any snow this year.

Kids: Please!

Marathon Girl: Dad will take you all outside as soon as he gets his coat on. He needs to shovel the walk, anyway.

Me: [gives Marathon Girl the “Whose Side Are You On?” look]

Marathon Girl: [gives me the “What Are You Complaining About? This is the First Real Snowfall of the Year. Go Outside and Shovel.” look]

Me: Okay. Okay. Let me get read and you can start sledding.

Kids: Yay!!!!!

Fifteen minutes later I’m outside shoveling and the kids are running up the hill across the street, dragging their sleds behind them. I stopped shoveling long enough to watch them make the first few runs. Much to my surprise the two inches of snow seems to be just enough for sledding. The kids are screaming with delight each time they race down the hill.

I finish shoveling and head to the park to watch. Soon my kids are joined by other kids on our street and there’s a steady stream of sleds going up and down the hill. By the time they finish two hours later, there’s not a shred of snow left on the hill.

I take them inside to warm them up, dry them off, and give them some hot chocolate. Their clothes are soaked and they’re shivering with cold but have the biggest smiles on their faces I’ve ever seen. As they sip their hot chocolate they share sledding stories and how much fun the morning was.

Hopefully next time it snows, I won’t forget what it’s like to be a kid.

Where I Grew Up

For those who have read Room for Two, there's an article in The Signpost (student newspaper of Weber State University) about the small farm I grew up on. Thought it might add some nice context to parts of the book.

Ogden’s 2nd Street is often associated with the Business Depot of Ogden.  All the concrete and cars hardly reflect 2nd Street’s pioneer history, but amidst the clamor of commerce, a corner of pioneer heritage is still intact.

The Bingham/Stone Farm is the oldest working farm in Weber County. Anna Stone Keogh and her cousin, Dave Stone Montgomery, still maintain the historic property.

A working farm is a farm where crops are still planted and harvested. In past years, the Bingham/Stone farm has harvested hay, alfalfa, oats, wheat and pumpkin.

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When [Anna] Keogh raised her children on the Bingham/Stone farm, she passed the family folklore on to them. She said she watched her daughter walk around the farm trying to imagine the community that used to be there, just like she used to.

Remnants of the pioneers can still be found occasionally. The pioneers used to throw broken china (dishware) into the irrigation ditches to keep silt down.

“All along 2nd Street in both ditches on both sides of the road, if you want to sift around, you can still find china chips from the pioneers,” Keogh said.

Keogh and [David] Montgomery reported other artifacts, including arrowheads, flint and bullet molds. A copper British penny from 1780 and a gold watch have both been found in the garden.

“You never know what’s gonna pop up,” Montgomery said.

Read the full article at The Signpost.

Widower Wednesday: Leap of Faith

I’ll be sending Marring a Widower off to my editor tonight. That means I’ll be going through all the submitted stores over the next few days. Hopefully by the time I get the manuscript back next week I’ll have read through all of them and will know which ones will be included in the book.

Also, if you’ve sent me an email in the last week or so about widower-related concerns, I’ll be catching up on emails as well over the next few days. I’ve been so busy with the book I’ve been neglecting email as well. I apologize for the delay. Look for a reply in your inbox soon!

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Yesterday Marathon Girl and I celebrated our ninth wedding anniversary. During the day I thought about our courtship and all the issues we had to work through in order to reach a point where we could tie the knot.  It took a lot of effort on both our parts to make it that far but we both wanted things enough that we were willing to put in the necessary effort to make it happen.

Even after all our work it still took a leap of faith for both of us to take the ultimate step. Marathon Girl knew she was the center of my universe because of my words and actions. For example, there were no guarantees that it would be smooth sailing. There was always a chance, however small, that I could decide that I had made the wrong choice or wasn’t ready to move on. On the other side even though I knew Marathon Girl was working through her concerns but there was no certainty that she wouldn’t just throw up her hands and say that she couldn’t take it anymore. Despite this we pressed forward and pledged our love to each other for all eternity.

I bring this up because sometimes I read through my emails or posts on the Dating a Widower Facebook group and see a lot of GOWs and widowers who are madly in love with each other but have just enough doubt about the future that they’re scared to take that next step because there’s a chance that, for whatever reason, it may not work out.

Marrying someone is a journey. And whether you’re marring a widow(er), someone who’s divorced, or someone who’s single, you can only see so far into the future. Every act of marriage is a leap of faith as there are never any guarantees what will happen one, five, or 10 years down the road. Sometimes our spouse makes choices that throw a monkey wrench into the marriage and destroy it. Other times life events (job loss, illness) come and add stress and other issues into the relationship. But trials and tribulations will come no matter what choice we make. Hard times are simply part of our life on Earth.

There are no guarantees that anything in this life will turn out the way we hope or want them to. But I’ve found that more often than not sometimes you just got to take that step into the unknown then work hard and pray that things pan out. Taking a chance after you’ve done all that you can do is better that living in a constant state of worry about what to do.

Not all of my leaps of faith have panned out but most of them have. Even those that haven’t worked have taught me enough that I’ve been able to make better decisions down the road. My marriage to Marathon Girl has far exceeded both of our expectations. I’ve never been happier with someone even when hard and challenging times have presented themselves. No matter what difficult circumstances have come, we’ve held each other’s hand and worked through them together.

So if there aren’t any major red flags in your relationship, don’t let unfounded worries hold you back from marrying the person you love. There will always be hard times in our lives, but often these hard times are easier to deal with when we have that one special person to walk by our side and help us out along the way.

Widower Wednesday: Forgive and Forget

Thanks to all those who submitted stories for Marrying a Widower. I’m currently taking some of Marathon Girl’s feedback and working feverishly to hit the March 1 deadline to send this version to my editor. I’ll be reviewing the stories and getting back to those who submitted them the first week in March.

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From the inbox:

I just wasted the last year of my life dating a widower. From everything he said I thought we were meant to spend the rest of our lives together. We went on vacations, met each other’s families, and were even talking marriage. Yes, there were signs he was struggling but he always seemed to bounce back and assured me he was working through any issues he was having.

Last week he dropped the bomb. He told me it was over and that things couldn’t move forward. He confessed that he never really loved me and but was never able to be honest with me about how he felt because he didn’t want to be alone.

All I have done for the last week is cry. But I’m also furious at this man for deceiving me and using me for his own selfish purposes. I know I need to move on but can’t because I feel used and abused and want to strangle the man that just last week held me in his arms and said that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. What’s the best way to get over a widower who broke my heart?

First, I’m sorry the widower led you on for a year. Breakups are always hard but they’re worse when you learn the person has just been in a relationship for all the wrong reasons.

If moving on is what you want to do, you’re going to need to forgive widower for everything he did. Forgiving someone isn’t an easy thing to do especially when someone has intentionally hurt or won’t admit any wrongdoing, but that’s ultimately what has to happen in order for you to find peace in your life.

Unfortunately, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all formula for forgiving someone since everyone had different ways of coping and moving on. Forgiveness is an act of the mind and of the heart. Some high level suggestions that have helped me include:

  • Get rid of anything that reminds you of the widower. There’s something cathartic about getting rid of physical objects that remind you of him or the relationship. Anything that reminds you of him and your relationship will only hold you back and stoke any anger and resentment you have. Take anything that reminds you of him and give it away or destroy it.
  • Have one good venting session. Whether you need to talk to a friend, go someplace private where you can scream at the top of your lungs, or write you feeling out on paper have one good session where you can get all the pain and sadness out of your body. Make it a good one because in order for it to be effective, you can only do it once.
  • Don’t get even. When someone hurts us it’s normal to want to hurt them back. In the long run that’s not going to do anything other than make the situation worse. Hold your head up high and don’t lower yourself to his level.
  • Stop being a victim. You have no control over the actions or thoughts of others. What happened, happened. Stop seeing yourself as a victim. Doing this will help release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life
  • Do something good for someone else. There’s always someone out there that is hurting more than us. Try to do at least one kind thing for someone else every day. Doing good and focusing your thoughts on others goes a long way toward moving on and finding that inner peace.

Even though I don’t have a clear cut way of doing this, I personally know that forgiveness is possible. There is no way I could have married Marathon Girl or started a family with her if I hadn’t forgiven Krista for killing herself. If you’re serious about wanting to move on, you’ve got to figure out a way push the anger out of your heart and mind. Until you can let go of the hard feeling you have, your life is going to be stuck in a rut.

 

Widower Wednesday: The Wrong Question

FINAL REMINDER! Today’s the deadline for submitting a story for my forthcoming Marrying a Widower book. If you’re interested in submitting, read the submission guidelines then email me your story.

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From my inbox comes the following:

I’ve been with a widower for eight months. (He’s been widower for a year and a half.) Saturday night we went out for dinner. Everything was going great until a lull in the conversation occurred. I noticed he was looking out the widow with a distant look in his eyes. I asked him if he was thinking about his late wife. He said “Yes.” Those words stung but I would have been okay with it if he had stopped there. Instead he continued and told me the story about a time their car died on them in the middle of nowhere during a thunderstorm. (A big storm was going on outside at the time.) He could tell the story upset me and apologized for going into such detail but the night was already ruined for me. I understand he thinks of the late wife but why did he have to tell me that story? He’s apologized but now I’m worried that every time I ask him about what’s on his mind, I’m going to get a story about the late wife. Help!

Frequent readers of this column know that I’m a big advocate of learning how to communicate with a widower. If you can’t communicate with him, odds are the relationship isn’t to survive very long. But part of knowing how to talk to a widower—or anyone else for that matter—is knowing what questions to ask, when to ask them, and when to keep your mouth shut.

In the above email, did it the GOW really need to know what the widower was thinking right then and there? Everything had been fine and dandy until she noticed he was looking out the widow. She could have started talking about something else or simply asked if he was okay. However, asking specifically if he was thinking about the late wife asking intentionally opening a can of worms that didn’t need to be opened in the first place. Perhaps the widower’s answer could have been more diplomatic or maybe he could have shortened the story to one or two sentences but I have a hard time getting upset at him for giving an honest answer.

You don’t need to know everything that’s going on in the widower’s head at any given moment. If you have a trivial question that you really don’t want the answer to, don’t ask the question. Instead focus on learning how to communicate on the more important aspects of your relationship—the ones that bring you closer together and move the relationship forward—not the minor or insignificant parts. If you feel the need to ask about frivolous things, don’t get upset at the widower if you don’t like his answer. There are some questions that are better left unasked.

A Tale of Two Kindles

Marathon Girl solved our eReader dilemma a couple weeks ago when she gave me a Kindle Touch for my birthday. It was an unexpected gift since I haven’t completed about reading on the iPad in months. Thankfully, I don’t have to deal with the iPad’s backlit screen. As a result I’ve been reading a lot more the last two weeks—almost double the amount of reading I did on the iPad. As for the Kindle Touch, it’s superior in every way to its keyboard predecessor except for one important thing: turning pages. The great thing about the keyboard version is that it had buttons on either side of the device that allowed me to rest my thumb and push a button when I was ready to go with the next page. With the touch version I actually have to tap the screen to turn a page and I’m starting to find that a tad annoying. I’m so tired when I get around to reading some nights that it’s a lot easier to keep my hand in one place and read instead of touching the screen and letting a small smudge develop after a night of reading. (Yeah, I know I had to swipe the screen with my iPad to turn pages but it was an iPad. It’s never had buttons to turn pages.)  It’s almost like Amazon got so caught up in the touch screen craze that they never stopped to think whether or not touching the screen or side buttons made for a better reading experience. It’s not just me that misses the button. After swapping Kindles for a night, Marathon Girl said she preferred having the buttons to turn pages too. (She hasn’t traded Kindles since then. Hmmmmmmm.)

When it comes to browsing, highlight, taking notes, buying more books or anything else I do with the touch version is miles ahead of earlier version. Though still not perfect, note taking has improved so much that I’m actually starting to read non-fiction ebooks on it. So the only suggestion I would send to Amazon (who I’m sure is reading this) is to put some page turning buttons on the next generation of the Kindle Touch. Please, please, please put those wonderful page turning buttons back on both sides of the device and let readers decide whether they want to touch the screen or push a button. That would make this wonderful reading device absolutely perfect.

As for the iPad, I’m not going to use that for reading again unless one of our Kindles breaks. The backlit screen is a much bigger annoyance than touching the screen to turn pages. The Kindle’s E Ink display makes reading a thousand times more enjoyable and I will gladly touch the screen to turn the page instead of having my eyes feel like they’re going to pop out of my head.