Life, the Universe, & Everything (LTUE), speculative fiction writing conference starts today and runs through Saturday. Friday morning I'll be on a panel titled "Stealing from historical and current events." I'll also be participating in a book signing that night.
It's a great conference and for $30 admission, it's a steal considering all the awesome workshops and authors that are participating. See LTUE's full schedule here.
Hope to see some of you there!
REMINDER! If you’re engaged or married to a widower or even divorced from a widower, I’m looking for real life stories to share in my next book Marrying a Widower. If you’re interested in submitting, read the submission guidelines then email me your story. Submissions are due February 15—that’s one week from today!
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Occasionally I’ll get emails from men who are dating young widows. They stumble across this blog, read it, and want to know if I’d give the same advice to someone who was dating a widow as someone who was dating a widower. Since I’ve seen to gotten more than normal of these questions of late, here are my thoughts on the subject:
For the most part, my advice would be the same: The widow should make you feel like the center of her universe and you should expect the same kind of behavior from her that you would from a single or divorced woman. Like widowers, widows are ready to stop grieving and move on will figure out how to put their feelings for the late husband in a special place in her heart and give the rest of it to you.
Where I have a hard time offering advice is how widows move on from the late husband to the next husband. Widowers are a lot easier. Once they find someone they really love they put their feelings for the late wife to the side fairly quickly and move on. Widows are, well, more complicated. Yes most of them eventually move on but the process seems to take a lot longer. Why? I have no idea.
The best explanation I’ve read comes from Annie who wrote earlier this year:
Biggest difference between dating a widow versus a widower, off the top of my head, is that women tend to comb through the still smoldering ashes of any relationship once it is over – regardless of why it ended – and they will do this until the ashes cool, go stone cold and even begin to scatter to the wind as often as they feel the need to (or have an audience for it) until they “get over it”. And by “get over it”, I mean put the experience into a context that they can live with to an extent that allows them to move on. Men don’t seem to do that as much or as obsessively.
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Men are good at this acceptance thing, which is not to say that you won’t find men who brood or are endlessly bitter about past failures or lost love, but you find far fewer of them than you do of women. I have yet to meet a woman who can’t recall for you, in minute detail, how her first love evolved, blossomed and eventually went up in flames. Minute detail.
You read about first loves reuniting a lot these days thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, but I am willing to bet that the women will spin tales about how they never got over the guy and how their subsequent loves and even about marriages that never held a candle to the first love. Ask a man about his first failed romance. Go ahead. Ask. He might remember the sex, or the lack thereof, but he won’t be holding a lit flame. Nor will he necessarily be compelled to reignite it if he is okay with where he currently lives his life. Men ground themselves in now, which is why a woman’s obsession with past, or future, perplexes and/or irritates them. Most men went on to have love, children and good lives with nary a backward glance at that first love. Sure, they may be pleased to have a second shot later in life with a girl whom they can only recall as a girl, but if they’d never heard from her again – they’d have found someone else to be happy with. Because that’s men. Practical in a cold-blooded way that (most) women aren’t.
What she writes sounds true to me but I’m not a woman or a widow. In countless ways women are still an enigma to me. I know on the occasions I’ve talked face-to-face with (young) widows, I can tell they approach grief and moving on very differently than (young) widowers. It’s not a bad thing just an innate difference between the sexes. You know, the Mars/Venus thing.
That being said my main advice to men dating widows remains the same: You should feel like number one when you’re with her and shouldn’t have any doubts or concerns whether or not she’s ready to start a new life with you. If you don't feel like she's making you the priority, re-evaluate the relationship and don't be afraid to move on. As for how widows sort through a relationship and move on, I have no idea.
Any widows, women, or those dating widows who have insight about dating a widow this please leave a comment. I and men dating widows would appreciate the insight.
A Series of Unfortuante Events #8: The Hostile Hosptial by Lemony Snicket
I've been reading this series of books to the kids before they go to bed every night. The first four or so seemed to be pretty much the same. However, they've been getting much better as the series goes on. This one was by far the best. And the older three are pretty much glued to the book when I read. Always a good sign. 4 starts out of 5.
Hour Game by David Baldacci
I like most of Baldacci's books but was disappointed in this one. Most of the characters felt flat and I had a hard time caring about them. A little more sexual tension King and Maxwell would have made their relationship more believable. And there were just some scenes (bullets colliding in midair) that seemed too far fetched. Baldacci's a good writer but I recommend checking out his other books first. 2 stars out of 5.
The Secret Knowledge by David Mamet
Like all of Mamet's works, this book isn't a light read. Like a rich dessert, It's best read (or re-read) a chapter at a time so you can absorb the material then come back to more when you're hungry. It's also the first politically themed book I've read that written in a stream of consciousness like way. The best part of the book was seeing ideas expressed through the prism of a reformed liberal. The chapter about him giving a lecture at a prominent university is especially revealing on what a complete failure liberal arts education has become. The only place I found the book lacking and would have enjoyed reading more was his personal journey from a liberal to a conservative. 4 starts out of 5.
My kids were in stitches over this one.
My favorite was this one but wonder how many people under 35 would really appreciate it. (Extended version below.)
This is the first time in years I don't have a gut pick. I can see both teams winning. That being the case I need to go with the Giants simply because I like to underrated Eli Manning beat Tom Brady again. And they'll beat them by the same 17-14 score when these teams met in the big game three years ago.
But No matter who wins, I intend to have another fun Super Bowl party. Hope you all enjoy it too.
Just a reminder that if you’re engaged or married to a widower or even divorced from a widower, I’m looking for real life stories to share in my next book Marrying a Widower. If you’re interested in submitting, read the submission guidelines then email me your story. Submissions are due February 15.
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Lately it seems like I’ve received a lot of emails from women who are unhappily married to widowers. No, these aren’t submissions from my next book but women who are trying to figure out if they should be looking for a divorce instead of try to save the marriage. Most of these women constantly feel like number two because months or years after tying the knot the house still overflows with her pictures or belongings, the widower still grieving, or he’s always talking and comparing the new woman to the late wife. As a result, these women have reached a breaking point and want to know what direction they should take.
So if you find yourself in a seemingly dead-end relationship with a widower, here are some general guidelines to follow:
Remember, a marriage or any other relationship can only work if both parties are willing to work on it. If you fell like you're doing all the heavy lifting, it's time to evaluate where things stand and whether it's a good idea to get out before things get worse.
January 31 is always a day that makes me a little sad. And, as usual, I celebrate with a poem about getting older. When You Are Old
When you are old and grey and full of sleep, And nodding by the fire, take down this book, And slowly read, and dream of the soft look Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;
How many loved your moments of glad grace, And loved your beauty with love false or true, But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you, And loved the sorrows of your changing face;
And bending down beside the glowing bars, Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled And paced upon the mountains overhead And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
-- BY WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS
My two oldest boys are on the same little league basketball team. Last Saturday was their first game. They both seemed to have a good time running around in what can only be described as organized chaos by all participants: lots of double dribbling, traveling, and getting confused on which basket they should be shooting at. It’s kind of like watching a Sacramento Kings game. This was my first little league anything I’ve attended as a parent and was curious as to how the other adults would behave. I’ve heard stories from neighbors about a crazy parent or two who yelled at their kid or do something else stupid or embarrassing at little league games. My few memories of participating in little league baseball as a kid is also full of parents (not mine, thankfully) and coaches who acted like three year olds.
Thankfully all the adults behaved like, well, adults. No one complained about any calls, how much playing time their kids got, or anything else that happened on the court. Everyone, even the kids, were good sports and the kids went home happy that they had a chance to play “real basketball” and get a treat from their coach after the game.
Hopefully the well behaved adult behavior will continue as the season goes on.
My column last week started a discussion on whether or not the experience of having a photo of my late daughter, Hope, finally up in my home had changed my mind or made me more sympathetic to about displaying photos of the late spouse. After reading through the back and forth in the comment section there seems to be some confusion on my views over how I’ve chosen to remember the past and start a new life. So I thought I’d take today’s Widower Wednesday column as a chance to clear things up.
I’ve never been a proponent of having the late spouse’s photo up in a home if that person has remarried. If you’re willing to fall in love again the widow(er) should do everything they can to make the new spouse feel the center of their universe. I don’t display photos of my late wife in my home and never will. When I chose to marry Marathon Girl, I made the decision to start a new life. That means I put the past life in a place where it wasn’t going to get in the way of the life I was starting with Marathon Girl.
The only time I’ve thought it appropriate to have some photos in the home of the late spouse is when the widow(er) still has minor children living at home. In that case I’ve always best place for them is in the children’s room. Other family and common areas of the home should have photos of the new life—not the old. Those places should be one where the new spouse can feel comfortable spending time and creating new, wonderful memories.
I’ve also never had a problem with anyone displaying photos of deceased children or other dead relatives in a home. Just because I chose not to display a photo of Hope doesn’t mean I didn’t think of her from time to time. I think about her more than I’ll ever admit and she will always have a special place in my heart. However, when I married Marathon Girl I didn’t see a point of having a photo up that would bring me to tears. That would have been detrimental to my marriage and relationship with Marathon Girl. Looking back, I have no regrets about that decision. If Marathon Girl would have chosen to omit Hope’s photo from the Christmas gift, I would have been okay with that too. How I feel about Hope has no bearing on whether or not there’s a photo of her in my home.
All of the photos and other things from my past life I choose to keep are stored in two cardboard boxes in a closet in my basement. It’s been three or four years since the last time opened them and the last time I did was to pull some records that were stored there. I doubt Marathon Girl would have a problem with me looking at the contents occasionally if I so choose but that’s never really been an issue because unless I really need something from the boxes I have no intention of ever opening them again. I don’t need to look at photos and other trinkets to remember Krista or our life together. The feelings and memoires of my past life are stored in a special place in my heart where they will always remain. However, 99 percent my heart belongs to Marathon Girl and the family we started together.
I’ve never had a problem with a widow(er) having a memory box and looking at the contents occasionally or even visiting the cemetery—something I haven’t done in nine years. However, looking at photographs or doing something else to remember the late spouse shouldn’t make you sad or interfere with your feelings for your current spouse. If they do, you should either stop doing things that remind yourself of your past life or evaluate if you should really be married in the first place.
Others have told me that they know of widow(er)s who have photos of the late husband or wife up and the current spouse doesn’t mind a bit. Personally, I’m not into threesomes. Marriage is making two hearts one. If you introduce any more hearts than that, you’re asking for trouble. If the new spouse doesn’t mind photos of the late spouse up, that’s their business. However, I still have to hear any compelling arguments or facts that show how having a photo of the late spouse up makes a marriage and the relationship between a widow(er) and the new spouse stronger.
A person who married a widow(er) deserves to feel like and be treated like that person’s only love. No exceptions. My inbox is full of stories from women who have broken hearts because the widower they love can’t let go of the past enough to move their lives forward. Just yesterday I got an email from a woman who has been married to a widower for two years and is now going through a divorce because she spent every day of her marriage feeling like second pace. Personally, I can’t think of a worse way to live than constantly feeling like you’re competing with a dead person.
Krista and Hope are part of my life and always will be. They made me, in part, the person I am today. But Marathon Girl and I have no problem discussing them or my past marriage at appropriate times. But our focus isn’t on what I lost ten years ago but about the wonderful and beautiful life we’ve built together, our children, and the future we hope to share both for the rest of this life and in the next one.
Ten years ago I was at the lowest spot at my life emotionally and mentally. Through a lot of hard, hard work I have rebuilt my shattered life into something that, back then, seemed like an unobtainable dream. I have been blessed beyond measure in every aspect of my life because I made the decision to put the past behind me and focus on the future and building a new life with a woman that I love more than anyone else. My life wouldn’t be anywhere close to what it is today if I had let a photo of Krista or other parts of my past come between us.
We only get one shot at this life. Just one. I have chosen to put the past where it belongs and move forward in life with Marathon Girl. I have no regrets or second thoughts about that decision. We’ll be married nine years next month. They have, by far, been the happiest and best years of my life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. And I’d be a fool to let something from the past destroy what I’ve worked so hard to build.
Something weird is going on with Goodreads. While I was rating some books last night, I noticed that one of them had the following message across the top of the screen: "This edition is in danger of being removed from Goodreads. Will you rescue it?"
One of my books with the message. Click for larger image.
I clicked the Learn More button and got the following message:
At Goodreads, we make it a priority to use book information from the most reliable and open data sources, because it helps us build the best experience for our members. To that end, we're making a major change.
On January 30, Goodreads will no longer display book information that comes from Amazon.
This includes data such as titles, author names, page counts, and publication dates. For the vast majority of book editions, we have imported this data from other sources. Those few remaining editions for which we haven't found an alternative source of information will be removed from Goodreads.
Off to the left Goodreads then gives the visitor an option to update the information and rescue the book so long as 1) they can get the information from a reliable sources like the author's website (you must submit URL along with your submission) or a hard copy of the book in your hands.
What you see after clicking Learn More. Click for larger image
I checked my three books on Goodreads and found that the Kindle editions for my two traditionally published books had that same message on their page while the my self-published book did not. (Yes, I rescued my books.)
This leaves me with several questions:
1) Why is Goodreads removing Amazon book information from it's website?
2) Why don't they consider Amazon book information a "reliable and open data source"?
3) What do they consider an "reliable and open data source"?
4) Why does this just seem to be affecting Kindle editions of the book?
5) Why did I have to rescue my traditionally published books but not my self-published one?
Scouring their website didn't give me answers. Several Google searched didn't either. Off the top of my head the only reason I can think of for doing this is that there's a lot of copyright infringement going with Kindle books and they're having a hard time sorting out the real editions from the fake one. But that's just an educated guess.
I did email Goodreads asking them the reason for this change but as of now haven't received a response. (Their website says it may take several days to reply to emails.) If they respond, I'll let you know. In the meantime, if anyone has any information on why Goodreads is removing Amazon book info from their site, shoot me an email or leave a comment below.
Update: Thanks for the comments. It appears it is an Amazon issue which, I admit is a tad surprising. I think I've found the official statement from Goodreads here. Part of what it says is:
Amazon's data has been great for us for many years, but the terms that come with it have gotten more and more restrictive, and we were finally forced to come to the conclusion that moving to other datasources will be better for Goodreads and our members in so many ways that we had to do it. It may be a little painful, but our aim is to make it as seamless as possible for all our members.
Amazon data that we will stop using includes data such as titles, author names, page counts, and publication dates. For the vast majority of book editions, we are currently importing this data from other sources. Once the imports are done, those few remaining editions for which we haven't found an alternative source of information will be removed from Goodreads.
I wish they'd give a little more detail. Please send me any links if you have them.
Update 2: Goodreads finally got back to me. The content of their email is below:
Thanks for writing in. For years, we’ve used Amazon’s data, and while they have always had certain restrictions and requirements, those terms have gotten harder and harder to adhere to. We have been working as hard as we can to find a new, independent source of data. Ultimately, though, this deadline is Amazon’s, and they have told us that we must stop using their data by January 30, and we have to meet this deadline.
Looking at the bright side of this, we’ve never been able to use Amazon data in our mobile apps, and we’ve had to show Amazon buy links and only Amazon buy links on all book pages sourced from them. Obviously, that will now change. Ultimately, we feel that while we would have chosen a more relaxed timetable for all of this, having our own data will make Goodreads a stronger, more independent site.
For more information about the change, please see Patrick’s post.
Update 3: There's a nice thread over on The Passive Voice's post about this.