Widower Wednesday: Photos of Hope

Just a reminder that if you’re engaged or married to a widower or even divorced from a widower, I’m looking for real life stories to share in my next book Marrying a Widower. If you’re interested in submitting, read the submission guidelines then send me an email with your story.

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The hardest part of my previous life to pack up and put in storage was photos of my late daughter, Hope. There was a part of me that wanted to keep at least one of up somewhere in the first apartment Marathon Girl and I shared but, back then, I couldn’t look at the photos of her hooked up IVs, tubes, and monitors for more than a minute without my eyes filling with tears. Though Marathon Girl had no objection about hanging a photo or two of Hope in our new home, I just couldn’t do it. I was moving on. I didn’t want any reminders of events or people that might hold me back from starting a new life. The photos stayed in the box.

Even though it was a hard choice to make, I never thought twice about that decision or once regretted it. I charged ahead and fully embraced my new life. Aside from a picture of Hope at my parent’s home, there were no other visual reminders of her. And I was just fine with that.

Then back November, the family was driving home from a college football game and, much to my surprise, Marathon Girl brought up the subject.

MG: Remind me again why you don’t have any pictures of Hope up.

Me: ~Gives her a quizzical look~ That’s my past life. I’ve got five wonderful kids and their photos up instead.

MG:  Have you ever thought about putting one up?

Me: Nope.

MG: Why?

Me: ~Glances in her direction wondering why she’s asking these questions ~ I can’t stand to look at them. It makes me sad to see tiny body hooked up to life support. That’s not exactly a time in my life I like to revisit.

MG: ~ silent for a beat ~ Well what if you decided to put one up?

Me:  I wouldn’t do that. Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to you.

MG: What do you mean?

Me: We haven’t had one up our entire marriage. I don’t think its right for me just to wake up one day and decide that I need to put one up eight years after the fact. I don’t want to be like those widowers people email me about who take down photos or something one day and the next day have everything back up.

MG: That’s not the same thing.

Me: It feels like it.

MG: What if I was okay with it.

Me: Still doesn’t seem fair to me.

~silence~

Me: What’s up with all these questions?

MG: Nothing. It was just something I was thinking about.

Me:  Care to elaborate?

MG: ~looking away~ Not right now.

Fast forward to Christmas morning. Most of the presents are unwrapped. The kids are busy playing with their new toys. There are two presents left for me to open. Marathon Girl gives me the first one. From the look on her face I think she’s going to burst into tears.

I open the present. There’s a large frame with three photos of our oldest three children’s hands. One is holding a basketball, one a football, and the other a flower.

She hands me the second present. I open it. There’s a large frame with three more photos in it. Two are of our youngest two; one is holding his favorite toy, the other (a baby) has her hands together.

The third photo is of Hope. Not the photos of her hooked up to machines that I remember. Instead it’s one that my mom took of her small fingers wrapped around my finger—one I had forgotten all about.

Tears fall.

Marathon Girl wraps her arms around me and leans her head against mine.

Me: They’re beautiful. Thank you so much.

MG: I wasn’t sure how it would go over. I worried you might not like it after I brought up the subject last month.

Me: It’s one of the best gifts I’ve ever received.

MG: It seemed wrong to do this without including the hands of all your children.

Me: You’re right. All six of them make it complete.

That night we hung the photos in our living room above the piano.

I can look at all of them without crying.

MAW Book Update

Last week I finished the first draft of Marrying a Widower. It’s definitely first draft quality so no one will be getting a glimpse of it until it’s gone at least two more revisions. Right now I’m half way through the second draft. One thing I’m noticing about this book compared to Dating a Widower is that I’m focusing a lot more on helping the woman decide if tying the knot with a widower is right for her. Even if the widower moves on and makes you the center of his universe there are things about his late wife and their marriage that always seem to crop up. As of now about half the book is helping you decide if the widower is ready to take the plunge again while the other half asks women to do decide if they are. When I started writing, I didn’t expect the book to take this turn but hopefully readers will find it helpful.

Also, please keep sending in your stories for the book. Read the complete guidelines if you’re interested in having your story included in the book.

Now back to writing . . .

The Joy of Books (Video)

Even though I have long ago given up on paper books, I do like this video. Makes me wonder what all the books do on my Kindle after I put it down.

Private Equity Is not a Bad Thing

Much is being made of Mitt Romney’s tenure at Bain Capital. The narrative goes something along the lines of Mitt making millions while thousands of ordinary people lost their jobs. (Queue evil, cackling laughter.) While this narrative may play with those who are envious of the wealth or others and have no idea how to operate a business, I owe a big debt of gratitude to those who are willing to risk their money on companies in trouble. During my professional career I’ve worked for three tech companies. Two of those companies were bought by private equity firms while I worked for them. A third tried to find some private equity investors and was unsuccessful. The results?

Both companies that were acquired by private equity firms lived on to fight another day. Yes, it meant that some employees lost their jobs after the purchase was finalized (both times I kept mine) but the end result was that the companies were given a second chance to turn things around. I was actually very relieved when one of the companies was bought because it was bleeding money very fast. If the investment hadn’t occurred, the entire company would have closed its doors in a matter of months costing ten times as many employees their jobs. Of the two companies, one was eventually sold several years later at a loss. The other become leaner and meaner and, as of now, is doing quite well.

The tech company that was unable to find investors eventually shut its doors and laid off all its employees. An injection of capital would have not only stopped the company from closing but also injected much needed leadership that could have saved it, made it profitable, and brought on even more employees.

It’s easy to play Monday morning quarterback and criticize the decisions Romney or others at Bain made after buying different companies. But no one seems to be asking what would happen to those companies if Bain Capital or someone else hadn’t stepped in. Companies can only create jobs or hold on to existing ones if they’re making money. Companies that can’t make a profit eventually close their doors. This affects not the employees who worked for these companies but customers who use that product or service. (I say this as someone who drives a Saturn.)

Private equity companies do everyone a service by evaluating companies that are in trouble and deciding if they’re worth saving. Job losses often occur after any acquisition but pale in comparison to an entire company closing down. Bain Capital may have laid off employees but it seems that most of their investments have generated far more jobs than lost with many companies, like Staples, becoming phenomenally successful and employing thousands upon thousands of people.

I owe years of employment to those willing to inject capital into unprofitable or mismanaged companies. I tip my hat to the men and women willing to undertake that challenge. And I wouldn’t hesitate to vote for one as POTUS.

Widower Wednesday: What if She Dies?

The following comment was posted in the comment section of a previous blog entry. It was a good enough question that I thought it would make a good Widower Wednesday topic.

My W and I are living together and talking about marriage. We were talking about it awhile back. I was trying to figure out why he was so resistant. He screamed out “I did that once and she died.” I’ve encouraged him to speak with his counselor about this. How do you overcome the feeling that love equals loss?

He repeatedly tells me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. We even are planning on children. I’ve told him my reason for putting off children is him putting off marriage.

I understand your boyfriend’s concern. When I was falling head over heels for Marathon Girl I had to stop and think about whether or not I wanted to go through the possibility of losing someone again. At the time I was still reeling from Krista’s suicide and there was a part of me that knew if I fell in love again, there was the possibility (however slight) that she could pass on before me and I’d be a widower again. Yet that same chance of death existed (even though the thought never crossed my mind) when I married Krista. Yet I still married her.

We all know that we’ll eventually all pass on to the next life but that doesn’t stop millions of people from getting married every year. Thousands of widows and widowers fall in love and willingly tie the knot a second time even though they have firsthand experience of losing a spouse.

Why do they do this?

Because when you fall in love with someone enough to marry them, you want to experience all of life with that person. And life isn’t always pretty. After you get married, yes, one of you could eventually die but you could also go broke, lose a child, have the bank foreclose your home, become sick or ill with a horrible disease, get fired from your job, total your car, or experience other setbacks that are part of life.

When I married Marathon Girl, I knew there were no guarantees in life. Together we’ve experienced hard times and good times together but with her by my side the downs have been more bearable and the ups have been more enjoyable. We’re a team and we’ll be together until one of us parts from this life and then, if all goes well, we’ll be together forever in the next.

I don’t know your boyfriend well enough to know whether he’s really freaked out about losing your or simply playing the widower card because he doesn’t know if he loves you enough to tie the knot. But I do know that once people find that special someone all the concerns about what might happen go out the door. Whatever his reason, I think you’re wise to put off having children until he’s put a ring on your finger and made vows to love you forever.

God Loves Denver

Due to a million other commitments, I wasn't able to watch the Broncos game today. However, I've been watching the highlights non-stop since I've got home. Admittedly, I was a Doubting Thomas. I didn't think St. Timothy had what it took to deliver the Broncos from the jaws of the Mighty Steelers. Yet God delivered another miracle for the Broncos faithful. It was beautiful.

I shall doubt no more.

Kind of Like Houston

It’s been a very warm and dry winter in Utah--the warmest and driest that I can remember in the 30 plus years I’ve lived here. This Christmas was the only the second brown one I’ve experienced in this state. Usually we’ll have one to feet of snow on the ground by now—snow that has been on the ground for at least six weeks. But all we’ve received is two brief snow storms that have dumped less than an inch each time. For the most part the dry, warm weather has been nice and has extended the amount of time we’ve been able to do things outside.  I’ve been able to play football and basketball with the boys outside most of the winter. I’ve also run more than normal this time of year; the warmer weather is a good incentive to add an extra mile or two to my runs.

It’s weather like this that has been one of the big reasons that Marathon Girl and I have thought about relocating to places like Houston or Phoenix if the opportunity should ever arise. It’s been nice not to be cooped up in our home for months on end. And even though the kids have complained (but only a little) about the lack of snow for sledding, I think they’ve enjoyed riding their bikes and playing with their friends in 40 or 50 degree weather.

The only downside to this warmth is that that Utah isn’t pretty in the winter when there’s no snow on the ground. The northern part of the state is an ugly brown gray mess. When we were in Houston in January years ago at least there was some green. And Phoenix always looks like a desert, albeit a pretty one, no matter what time of year it is.

Still, I’m grateful for the warmth. For now it’s as close Houston or some other warm climate as we’re going to get.

Goal: Overcome the Death of a Spouse and Find Love Again

Marathon Girl and I got a write-up in Utah Valley Magazine. The article (and others in the magazine) focuses on achieving goals. My section is about how I made goals to rebuild my life after the death of my late wife. Marathon Girl's section focus on running. If you don't want to read, I at least encourage you to check out the beautiful pictures of Marathon Girl (just ignore the ugly guy next to her). From the article:

Abel Keogh is as uncomfortable with change as the next 6-foot-3 guy. But after becoming a widower in 2001 when his pregnant wife took her life, Abel realized if he didn’t embrace change he also wouldn’t embrace happiness.

Over the next several weeks, Abel forced himself to go through a mental exercise of deciding where he wanted to be in five years. He made a list of 30 or 40 things he really wanted to do, and every day he lived his life as if enacting all of the changes he envisioned.

One if his primary goal was to marry again and have a family. Fifteen months after burying his wife, he married Julie—who he calls “Marathon Girl” on his blog. They quickly added five children, who are ages 7, 6, 5, 2, and 5 months.

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Many in the widow/widower world get comfortable in their grief and self-pity. Abel knows there is a powerful stage in the next process.

“When I chose to change, I realized I had a chance to create a new life and do things I couldn’t have done before,” he says. “You have to figure out how to adjust or you can get smashed by it.”

On Nov. 10, 2011, Abel marked the 10^th anniversary of his first’ wife’s death with a thoughtful and upbeat post about moving on. He had crossed everything off the list he had made previously.

“We can make the life we want to make,” he says. “We’re the ones who hold ourselves back.”

Abel held himself back by not initially forgiving his first wife for taking her life.

“Once I stopped being angry and blaming her, everything else fell into place,” he says. “For others, this might be losing their job or having their spouse walk out on them. Part of the healing process is moving on and getting past the victim mentality.”

Read the entire article or check out the awesome photos of Marathon Girl.

Widower Wednesday: Call For Marrying a Widower Stories

Three days ago I started writing Marrying a Widower, the follow-up book to my Dating a Widower book. I hope to have the book available no later than May 2012.

As with Dating a Widower, I’m looking for one or two real life stories to add at the end of every chapter. The stories you submit can be positive ones, “learning” experiences, or something in between. The purpose of these stories is to help readers know if the widower they're dating is ready to tie the knot and if marrying a widower is right for them. If you’re interested in sharing your story, you must be engaged to, previously engaged to, married to, divorced from, or in a co mmitted lifelong relationship with a widower.

I’m particularly looking for stories that can address the following situations:

• How did you know the widower was (or wasn’t) ready for marriage?
• How did you learn to communicate with your widower?
• What are some ways you made the late wife’s home feel like your home?
• How did you handle the late wife’s family being part of your new life?
• How did you successfully blend families or deal with the widower’s adult and minor children?
• What are some new traditions that you and the widower started that helped make your relationship seem new instead of a rehash of his previous marriage?
• How did you deal with burial arrangements, wills, and other end of life issues?
• What are some things the widower does to make you feel like number one? What are some things you do to make him feel like number one?
• How did you set expectations so the widower realized you were a different person than the late wife?
• If your widower does his best to make you feel like number one, how did you overcome any insecurities that still made you feel like second best?

To submit your story for consideration, send me an email. Please keep submissions between 250-750 words. You can submit more than one story but please send them in different emails. (This way I can organize them for quick reference.) All submissions must be received by February 15, 2012. I’ll be letting people know if their essay will appear in the book by the end of February.

If your story is selected, you’ll receive a free copy of the Marrying a Widower book as soon as it’s published. To protect your privacy, you can publish your story under a pen name if you wish.

Questions? Email me.

Thanks in advance for your help!

2012 Blog Changes

Happy New Year, everyone. I hope 2012 is off to a great start for all of you.  I’m making changes to my blog this year in order to give readers a better idea what they can expect from this blog. My goal is to not only write more often but make the blog more predictable and interesting for readers.

Starting today the following columns will appear every week:

Monday – Column will focus on writing, publishing, industry changes, and other writing and book related topics including current writing projects.

Wednesday – Widower Wednesday columns will continue.

Friday – Will focus on current events, politics, and things of that nature.

Appearing at least once a month (maybe more depending on what’s going on in my life)

Tuesday or Thursday – Family related posts. What Marathon Girl, me, and the kids are up to.

Saturday or Sunday – Videos, pop culture, sports, and lighter topics.

Whether you’re new to this blog or have been reading for years, I hope these changes will make the blog more enjoyable.