Author and Widower Gives Advice to Women Dating Widowers

Me and my book, Dating a Widower, got a write-up in today's (Provo) Daily Herald. The story also includes stories about widows and widowers who successfully remarried.

The holiday season can be especially challenging for those who have lost a spouse, but as the season revolves around hope and love, widows and widowers should have hope for the future and may find love in unlikely places. Such was the case for Spanish Fork residents Randy and Melanee Bronson, who in 2007 each lost their first spouse to pancreatic cancer.

Randy's late wife Gayle and Melanee were roommates at BYU, but parted ways when they married. Randy and Gayle moved to Alaska and Melanee and her husband Kev moved to Connecticut, but they continued to keep in touch with Christmas cards every year.

When both spouses died, Melanee continued to send a Christmas card to Randy, and he reciprocated. A year and a half after both their spouses passed away, Melanee and Randy began to correspond and date.

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There is a source available now for those who may be dating a widower, just as Melanee did a couple of years ago. Eagle Mountain resident Abel Keogh's latest book, "Dating a Widower -- a Guide to Starting a Relationship with a Man that is Starting Over," analyzes the mind and actions of widowers who have dived back in the dating world, giving women dating widowers insights into their motives. Keogh taps into his personal experiences as a widower as well as research and case studies from widowers around the country.

Keogh started blogging about his experiences as a widower back in 2002, while recovering from his wife's death. The blog's popularity grew as women dating widowers sought advice and insights from Keogh.

"I decided to write the book to get the most common issues and concerns out there," he said.

Keogh's blog, www.abelkeogh.com, continues to have Widower Wednesday, a column addressing issues regarding widowers, dating widowers, and moving on.

Read the full story at The (Provo) Daily Herald.

Widower Wednesday: 2011 Year in Review

Widower Wednesday is taking a one week holiday break. Look for a new column on January 4. Below you’ll find links all 49 Widower Wednesday column posted in 2011. See you all in 2012!

January 5 | How Long Does it Take for a Widower to Move On

January 12 | Avoiding the Late Wife’s Family

January 19 | Second Chances

January 26 | Where to Bury the Second Wife

February 2 | Widowers Wearing Wedding Rings

February 9 | Lying Widowers

February 16 | Dating a Widower 101

February 23 | Grief Counseling

March 2 | Starting a New Life

March 9 | Memorial Tattoos

March 16 | Translating Widower Behavior

March 23 | Dating a Widower with Minor Children Part 1

March 30 | Dating a Widower with Minor Children Part II

April 6 | The Late Wife’s Facebook Page

April 13 | Share Your Dating a Widower Story

April 20 | Traveling with a Widower

April 27 | 5 Dating a Widower Questions

May 4 | Redefining Relationships

May 11 | Never Settle

May 18 | Dating a Widower Discussion Boards

May 25 | Feeling Like a Mistress?

June 8 | The 6-Week Drop Off Curve

June 15 | Father’s Day

June 22 | How She Died

June 29 | No Going Back

July 6 | Subtitle Help

July 13 | A Widower’s Heart

July 20 | Opening Your Heart

July 27 | Wedding Receptions

August 10 | Companionship vs. Relationships

August 17 | Dating a Widower Chapter 1

August 24 | The Sainted Late Wife Part I

August 31 | The Sainted Late Wife Part II

September 7 | Pick Up the Phone

September 14 | The Late Wife’s Friends

September 21 | Widower Times Two

September 28 | Selfish Grief

October 5 | Parenting and Grief

October 12 | Work and Grief

October 19 | Widowers and Hookers

October 26 | Listen to Your Gut

November 2 | Where to Spend the Holidays

November 10 | 10 Years Later

November 16 | Running with the Dead

November 23 | Holiday Decorations

November 30 | Giving Gifts

December 7 | Alone for the Holidays

December 14 | Don’t Call Him Back

December 21 | Presents for the Late Wife

Early Stocking Stuffer

If you're a Vince Flynn fan or have one on your shopping list, you can get a free download of  his book Transfer of Power from December 22, 2011 through December 30, 2011. The free download is available through Kindle, Nook, Apple, and Kobo. If you haven't ready Vince Flynn but have an e-reader, this is a great way to check out one of his books without any cost. He's a great storyteller. I highly recommend his books.

Happy Holidays!

Widower Wednesday: Presents for the Late Wife

Q: Is it okay that the late wife has a stocking up?

A: It is if she’s around to get the goodies on Christmas morning.

Q: What about Christmas presents for the late wife?

A: See my answer to the stocking question.

Q: What if the widower wants to give me some of his late wife’s jewelry or other personal belongings as a Christmas present?

A: It’s not okay for him to do that. He probably means well but it’s seems a tad creepy. If it’s some kind of family heirloom, he should give it to (or save it for) his kids, a sister, or other family member.

Q: What if the kids want to give a present to their late mother?

A: If you feel it’s appropriate, it’s something they can leave at the cemetery or other memorial location. I don’t see a point in making it part of Christmas morning because that can really have a downer affect on Christmas morning/opening presents thing.

Q: What if the widower wants to visit the cemetery on Christmas day?

A: That’s up to him. Hopefully he’s aware of how that might affect his mood, your mood, and the general spirit of the holidays.

Q: What if my widower’s sad during the holidays?

A: That’s his problem. Don’t let his attitude or feelings get you down. If it’s too much for you to handle spend the holidays with people that will make you happy.

Q: How do you get through the two or three Christmas holidays without your late wife?

A: The first one was really rough but that was because she died six weeks earlier. Every Christmas after that was actually pretty good. I felt extremely grateful to have Marathon Girl as part of every Christmas after that one.  It was hard to be sad with her in my life. If there were any lingering feelings of sadness, I did my best to help others. That always helps, no matter what time of year it is.

Q: If you could give widowers who might be struggling with the holidays without their late wife this holiday season any advice, what would it be?

A: Read this Widower Wednesday post and remember that life is always what you make it.

Hope all of my WW readers have a wonderful, safe, and happy holiday season!

Ideas for Marrying a Widower Book

As most of you know, I'm working on a sequel to Dating a Widower. Titled Marrying a Widower the book will focus on how you can know whether or not the widower is ready for marriage or some other lifelong relationship. (Dating a Widower is more about knowing if he's even ready to date and start a relationship.) What I'd like to know from all of you is what topics you'd like to see addressed in this book. For those who are married to, engaged to, or divorced from a widower or are just working toward marriage with a widower, what issues have you experienced that others might be dealing with? What do you wish someone had told you before you married a widower? I have a rough outline of topics I'm going to write about but want to be sure I haven't overlooked anything before I start . Put your ideas in the comments below or send me an email if you'd rather keep it private. Any and all ideas are appreciated. Thanks in advance!

Update: Thanks to all those who have asked about submitting essays for the MAW book. I'll have a full list of topics that I'll post in early January that will let you know the topics I'll need essays on. Hold off on sending any until then.

Widower Wednesday: Don’t Call Him Back

Often I’ll get emails from women whose relationship with a widower recently ended. A few weeks or months after the breakup the widower will call, text, or email the woman saying he wants to talk, go out to dinner, or get back together. If the woman still has feelings for him, she’s excited to hear from the widower again but wants to know how to approach the situation the second time around so it doesn’t end badly the second time around.

My advice: Don’t call him back.

Widowers (and men for that matter) will only contact when they want something. It could be that they’re feeling lonely and need to talk with someone. Maybe they’re horny and want nothing more than a roll in the proverbial hay or just want someone to come over and take care of them again. There could be a thousand reasons a widower starts contacting you again but odds are it’s not because he’s come to his senses, got over his grief, and wants a committed relationship. It’s usually because he wants your time, your body, your money or something else that he’s currently not getting from someone else. And there’s no easier target for a widower than a recent ex-girlfriend—especially when he can pull the widower card and claim he’s miraculously overcome his grief and is ready to start over.

Widowers don’t change their stripes overnight. If he treated you like garbage before the relationship ended, was stuck in perpetual grief, or made you feel like number two day in and day out, odds are you’re in for more of the same the second time around. So if a widower contacts you after a break up, save yourself further heartache and don’t contact him again. Your silence will speak louder than any returned phone call or text message. Eventually he’ll get the message and move on to weaker prey.

If you think your widower’s the exception all of the above, I’m not going to stop you from getting back together. But I do implore you think pretty hard about getting involved with the same widower again. I’m a big fan of the saying “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.” If you end up getting burned again (and most women who go back to their widowers do), you have no one to blame but yourself.

Kids 1984 vs. Kids 2011

1984 During the winter months the first thing I’d do after waking up is head straight to the living room where I’d send next a heater vent. There I’d sit there until the furnace clicks off and my legs and toes were toasty warm. Once the heater clicked off I’d hurry off to my bedroom where I’d get dressed and get ready for the day.

2011

When it turns cold, the first thing my kids do after they wake up is tiptoe downstairs and lie on the heater vent near the foot of Mom and Dad’s bed. They share the vent until the furnace clicks off and which point they race to the table for breakfast then, after eating, hurry off and get ready for the day.

Why I Love Tim Tebow

As a lifelong Broncos fan, I have to admit my interest in the team has waned over the last decade. Season after season of losing and subpar performances severely taxed my interest. Still, like all fans, I keep waiting for the preverbal “next year” to arrive and deliver the Broncos from the wilderness to the promised land of playoffs and Super Bowl rings.

Then comes along Tim Tebow and everything changes. The Broncos, with him at quarterback, are 7-1. Today they beat the Bears in what can only be described as a series of miracles: Marion Barber getting knocked out of bounds with 1:06 left giving the Broncos a fighting chance. Matt Prayer hitting a 59-yard field goal as time expired. Then, in overtime, Barber fumbled the ball. The Broncos recovered and kicked the winning field goal a few minutes letter. The Broncos just won their sixth game in a row thanks to the arms, legs, and heart of a quarterback most people thought would never play a game in the NFL. You couldn’t write a better Hollywood script. It was like the Gods of Football want Tebow and the Broncos to win.

Despite a 7-1 record as a starter, Tebow’s still a polarizing figure. He wins ugly. He believes in Jesus—big time. He’s driving all the football experts crazy. But I don’t care about any of that. Thanks to Tebow, Broncos games are fun to watch again. They’re in sole position of first place in the AFC West with a great shot of making the playoffs. For the first time in years, I’m actually looking forward to the games.

As a Broncos fan, that’s all that matters.