Widower Wednesday: Friends Who Still Grieve

Reminder: I’m looking for stories from GOWs and WOWs to use in my final widower relationship book. More information can be found here.

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One of the topics several readers suggested I write about was how to deal with friends who either don’t accept a widower’s new relationship or continue to morn their dead friend. Then yesterday a reader, doc, left the following comment about a similar problem he and his wife are currently experiencing.

“. . .[W]e have found it very difficult to deal with other peoples inability to be in the present too and in particular their lack of thought for us. They have readily let my wife be labelled [sic] as insecure. We both understand that I have a past as does my wife but we just want to live in the present.

Some people who should have been very close to us have done this by keeping a shrine of my first marriage unbeknownst to us until recently when we discovered it and it has been particularly destructive to our relationship.

I would really appreciate some advice and experiences of anyone who has had a similar problem in coping with how others respect your present and getting them to understand and do so. We have spoken to the other party involved previous to this happening and feel let down by them but they don’t seem to understand and are happy to inflict it on my wife and let her be labeled [sic] as insecure.

In reply Annie offered the following perspective.

Going just on the info you've provided, it appears that by engaging with this folks on the topic of your LW, shrines and such, you are giving life to their interference. Stop.

During the first year or so of our marriage, two of the LW”s siblings came to him and expressed their disappointment in his moving on “so quickly”. It was hurtful to them. My husband told them, I am sorry if you feel hurt but this is my life. He also made it clear that their feelings were theirs to deal with and to never bring it up to him again. He simply would not have this conversation with either of them again. The end.

I made it clear to my family and friends that my life was not a democracy and only positive, forward thinking attitudes were allowed. Anything else they could keep to themselves.

And, imo, that’s probably what you and your wife should do. Just stop engaging on the topic. Let these ppl wallow as they please but make it clear that you don’t want to hear about it again.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. Most, though not all, family and friends will get on board once they know you aren't in a game playing mood. Good luck.

In addition to agreeing with Annie’s advice, I would add that no one is obligated to spend time with anyone else—especially those that hold you back from moving forward with life or destroy your current relationship. After I married Marathon Girl we dramatically scaled back spending time with those who just didn't get that I was ready to start a new life. We didn't burn any bridges but simply just stopped associating with those who weren't ready to move forward with us. Since then they've all moved on and weave been able to re-establish relationships and now see them when our schedules and life permits.

I always tell GOWs and WOWs that life is too short to waste time with widowers who aren't ready to move on. It’s also too short to spend time with those who try to hold us back. Free yourself from destructive influences and spend that time strengthening your relationship with your spouse because that’s one relationship that can last the rest of this life and into the next as well.

Feel free to share your own stories or thoughts about friends who can’t move on with Doc in the comments section below.

Widower Wednesday: Women, Widowers, and Insecurity

For those who may have missed my Monday announcement, I’m looking for stories from girlfriends and wives of for my final widower relationship book. I hope to release it by the end of the year. You can find more details here.

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Last Thursday, Slate magazine’s advice columnist, Dear Prudence, answered the following question from a widower:

About five years ago, I lost my wife after a lengthy illness. The first year was hard, but I got through it thanks to my in-laws, who never stopped letting me know that I would always be part of their family. (My parents are no longer with us.) Six months ago, I met a wonderful woman I love and want to marry. My problem is that she is very twitchy about my relationship with my in-laws. We call each other frequently and I visit them, and their extended family, a few times a year, including holidays. But any time I mention them or my former wife—such as saying something she enjoyed doing—my girlfriend gets angry or very upset. She accuses me of still being in love with my late wife and not letting go of the past. I've tried to reassure her, but I feel that I have to constantly censor myself to avoid setting her off. I don't want to cut my late wife's family out of my life, and they are very happy I've found someone, but I fear an ultimatum is coming. What should I do?

—Found Love Again

Prudence (real name Emily Yoffe) is married to a widower so I thought of all the advice columnists out there, she’d have an insightful perspective on the problem. Instead she starts her answer as follows:

You've been alone a long time, and I’m sure your girlfriend has many wonderful qualities. But the portrait you paint is of someone who is jealous, insecure, and mean. You say nothing to indicate that your emotional life revolves around your late wife or that your home is a shrine to her. Nor are you trying to remake your girlfriend, Vertigo-like, into your lost love. But she can’t stand it when you mention your late wife in the most natural way. And you feel you have to hide your relationship with your former in-laws; how ironic that they are thrilled you have found someone.

You can read the rest of her answer here.

For those who don’t click over, I’d summarize her advice as follows:

• Your girlfriend doesn't get that you can love her, the late wife, and the in-laws without feeling like a third wheel.
• We all have pasts and she shouldn't be threatened by your past just like you’re not threatened by hers. Let her talk about her ex and all the fun they had when something relevant comes up. What harm could that do?
• Did I mention that your girlfriend is insecure?
• Your in-laws will be part of your life and you can tell your insecure girlfriend to shove it if she doesn't like that.
• Give your insecure girlfriend a chance to re-examine her attitude. If she doesn't shape up, dump her and find a woman who’s not insecure and can tolerate your undying love and devotion to a woman who’s six feet under.

Before I dive in deeper, it’s important to note that we’re only getting the widower’s point of view. His emotional life may very well revolve around his late wife or his home may be shrine to her or he may not be in a compromising mood when it comes to spending the holidays somewhere other than the in-laws. We have no way of knowing whether or not his girlfriend has a valid reason to feel this way. One would think that given Prudence’s background, she’d want to hear the other side of just assuming that the widower isn't overdoing it.

What really bothers me about the widower’s question and Prudence’s answer is the assumptionthat girlfriend can’t stand hearing about his late wife or visiting the in-laws because she’s insecure. It’s an assumption that comes into my email box all the time from widows and widower who disagree with me. Their tone usually goes something like this: “I’m never taking photos of the late spouse down. If the person I’m dating can’t deal with that, then I’ll find someone who’s secure enough to live with that.” The new person in their life that has the problem—not the widow or widower.

Yes, it takes some deal of self worth to date someone who will always love the late spouse. And if you’re fine with photos of the late spouse up on the wall, giant memorial tattoos, or spending every holiday with the former in-laws, that’s fine. More power to you. Most of the women who email me have already done a gut check and are okay with the widower’s past and that the late wife will always have a special place in his heart. They’re also fine if the late wife comes up in conversation or if the in-laws are part of their life. They accept that the widower has a past and are willing to move forward and start a new life together.

But the problems (and ultimatums) usually arise when the widower doesn't want to move forward and start a new life. Problems arise when the late wife is talked about to such an extent that the girlfriend feels like number two on the totem pole or thinks the widower wishes the late wife was still alive. Problems happen when former in-laws take up such a big part of his life that she feels like her family or her wants and needs are brushed to the side. Feeling like a third wheel in a relationship has nothing to do with being insecure and everything to do with wanting to be treated like the center of someone’s universe. There’s nothing wrong or insecure with wanting to be treated like number one from the person who should love you more than anyone. People expect that in any romantic relationship and are settling if they feel like the widow or widower’s heart is still with someone who’s six feet under.

Dating a widow or widower isn't for everyone. And, yes, there are those out there who don’t want a widower to mention the late wife or any part of his past. But I've always counseled those women that feel that way they shouldn't be dating a widower in the first place.

The problem, usually, isn't insecurity on behalf of the girlfriend but the fact that the widower isn't ready to fully open his heart to someone else. It’s disappointing that Prudence, of all people, doesn't at least try to recognize this.

It would be great to hear how the girlfriend in this relationship views as the problem. (If you’re the girlfriend and want to share your side of the story, email me here.) Maybe she’ll email Prudence. Or me. My gut says there’s more to this story than we’re getting. It would be nice to know what’s missing.

Widower Wednesday: 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Get a Memorial Tattoo

Awhile back I wrote about how GOWs and WOWs can deal with widowers who have memorial tattoos on their body.  For widowers who may be considering getting one, here are 5 reasons not to get a tattoo that memorializes the late wife.

1. It’s an emotional decision. Most tattoos commemorating the deceased are purely emotional decisions made soon after the loss of the spouse. Emotional decisions rarely turn out well. If you really feel that you need to memorialize your late spouse with a tattoo, wait a year and see how you feel the same way.
2. There are better ways to remember someone. If you really want to keep someone’s memory alive, raise money for charity, start a scholarship, or some other activity that can help and benefit others. Better yet, through your actions, be the kind of person the late wife would be proud of if she were still around.
3. It will interfere with future relationships. Though most widowers probably aren’t even thinking about dating again when they get a memorial tattoo, once they start another relationship, the tattoo usually gets in the way. If you don’t think most women will get over it or used to it, ask yourself what it would be like to see that the name of her ex-boyfriend or ex-husband ever y time you looked at her or got into bed with her.
4. They can make it harder to move on. One of the biggest obstacles that hold the widowed on from moving on are constant reminders of their loss. Memorial tattoos, especially those that are easy to see every time you look at your body or see yourself in a mirror, serve as a constant reminder of what was lost and make it harder to move past the loss. The best way to keep someone alive is in one’s heart—not their arm, back, or chest.
5. They could go horribly wrong. Check out the memorial tattoo below and decide if you’d like something like this on your body for the rest of your life.

Update: A reader, Tiffany, thought the following diagram would also help those wondering whether or not to get a memorial tattoo.

Widower Wednesday: It Doesn’t Matter How She Died

First, a quick reminder about some different dating a widower resources out there. For women who are currently dating or married to a widower, there’s the Dating a Widower Facebook group. It’s a great place to vent, ask questions, or socialize with other women who have been there, done that.

For widowers who are dating again or thinking about dating again, there’s the Widowers Dating Again Facebook group. We’re not quite as chatty as the Dating a Widower group but the conversations we do have are very helpful. It’s also a great place to beat your chest or do a reality check with other widowers who are dating again.

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The first thing to remember when dating a widower is not to make excuses for his bad behavior. Too often women give bad behavior a pass because they think the widower is still grieving or dealing with other death related issues. As a result they overlook or ignore signs that the widower isn’t ready to move on with his life and is simply using that person to fill the void in his life.

Lately it seems I’ve got a flood of emails asking if how the late wife died has anything to do with a widower’s ability to commit to a long term relationship. It doesn’t matter if the late wife was killed in a car crash, took her own life, was murdered, or died from a horrible illness. How she died has little or no bearing on whether or not a widower can start a new chapter in his life and commit to a new relationship.

All widowers have to take a similar mental and physical journey to put the past in a special place and move forward. How the late wife died may add or subtract a step or two but the journey of starting a new chapter is basically the same for everyone—regardless of how their spouse died.

What about widowers who who’s late wife died from a prolonged illness? Because they’ve had time to say goodbye, they’re generally more prepared than other widowers to start dating earlier than, say, a widower who’s wife died unexpectedly. However, just because they’re father along in the grieving process doesn’t mean they more willing to commit or won’t have other issues to deal with.

So don’t let the way his wife died cause you to make excuses for his inability to commit or other bad behavior. Widowers who are ready to start a new chapter in their lives with someone else will do so. How the late wife died has very little, if anything, to with a widower’s ability to make you number one.

Widower Wednesday: A Life Alone

First, sorry for the delay in this week’s Widower Wednesday column. With new projects at work and still adjusting and moving in to our new home, free time to write this column and work on my upcoming books has been nonexistent. But I find myself with a free hour which is just enough time to respond to the following email:

Dear Abel,

I've been going through your blog, and I was wondering what your response would be to learning how to be single, or being a peace with being alone first. You've pointed out several times that widowers jump into a relationship to possibly fill in a void, and in that case, perhaps an explanation as to how you dealt with being alone during the first few months would be helpful.

I lost my fiancé a month ago, and I am figuring out how to go through this myself.

Thanks,

Mark (name changed)

First, I’m sorry for your loss. Adjusting to live without someone who has been a major part of your life isn’t easy. I hope what I share can help you and others find that peace you seek.

In my case, I had a difficult time adjusting to life without my late wife and didn’t handle it well as I could have. Even though I did some things right, the biggest mistake I made was jumping into serious relationship thinking it would heal my heart and solve many of the issues I was working through. Instead it caused more problems than it solved.

Based on what I learned from that first year alone, here are three things I suggest other widowers do that can help make the adjustment easier and help find that inner peace the recently widowed seek.

• Keep busy. Nothing is worse for the recently widowed than sitting around with nothing to do or watching endless amounts of TV. Dive into a hobby or that can keep you focused and busy when you might otherwise find yourself alone with time on your hands. I found solace in blogging and gutting and rebuilding a home. It kept me busy and distracted during the first few months after her passing. I might have gone crazy if I didn’t have those two activities to fall back on.
• Give your life some structure. Our lives generally fall into a series of routines. When we lose a spouse many of routines are disrupted and destroyed. Getting back into a routine gives life the structure that helps keep us sane and focused. One of the best things that happened in the months following the LW’s death was that our two best friends invited me over every Wednesday night for dinner. This went on for 6-8 months. Having dinner with them was the highlight of my week. It gave me something to look forward to. So find friends to hang out with or other activities that you enjoy that can put some basic routines back in your life.
• Find ways to help and serve others. Many people are going through unemployment, divorce, financial problems, and many other things. Whether it was mowing a neighbor’s lawn, helping someone move, or volunteering with a church all helped me forget my own problems and helped me feel connected to the community. Though you may not think their trials are same level as losing a spouse, forgetting about yourself and helping others is a great way to keep yourself grounded and realize that despite your own trials and difficulties, you still have many things to be thankful for.
• Peace and acceptance comes from within. Keep in mind that staying busy or starting a new relationship by themselves isn’t going to bring you peace, comfort, or acceptance. They’re simply tools to help you go on from one day to the next. Eventually you’re going to have to go through the inner struggle of accepting your loss and being okay with starting a new chapter in your life. It’s not the easiest process but coming through the other side and realizing that life is still worth living and there’s lots of joy to be had is worth the struggle. Don’t be afraid to start that journey.

I hope this helps, Mark, and I wish you the best as you embark on a new chapter in your life. Keep in touch.

WW Late

I apologize for the lack of a Widower Wednesday column yesterday. I'm in the middle of some major projects at work and the 11 hour day yesterday didn't allow for me to write something up. I hope to have something up soon. Thanks you guys, I have plenty of topics to write about and lots I want to say. Stay tuned and thanks for your patience.

Widower Wednesday: Sex with the Late Wife

First, thanks to everyone who left suggestions for future Widower Wednesday columns. There were a lot of great ideas presented and you’ll see them in future columns over the next couple of months.

Second, our move was successful. It was an all day, arduous event but we finally got everything unloaded last Wednesday. Right now we’re in the process of unpacking and getting settled in. And we’re so happy to finally have our own place. More on the adventures of life in our new home will be posted soon.

Now on to today’s Widower Wednesday . . .

Readers of this column know I’m a big proponent of learning how to communicate with your widower about relationship issues. A lot of widower-related relationship issues can start to be solved just by taking the time to talk to the widower about what’s on your mind and how his actions (or inactions) affect you and your relationship.

I also believe that to have a healthy relationship, people being able to talk about anything and everything with their partner. Being able to talk with someone about what’s on your mind with someone who will actually listen and talk with you about something is a necessary component to any healthy relationship.

However, I’m going to make one big exception: Don’t ask the widower about his sex life with the late wife.

Recently a couple of mailers inquired about the widowers past sex life and immediately regretted learning more. For example, one woman asked her widower what the most sexually adventurous thing he’d ever done with the late wife. The answer shocked her so much that she seriously thought of ending the relationship because she couldn’t get a certain image out of her head. A second woman (who apparently had a couple of drinks) started asking her widower about how sex with her compared with sex with the late wife. After listening to several detailed stories about what it was like to make love to the late wife, she stood up and left with tears running down her face thinking that she’d never be able to be as good as the late wife in bed.

Discussing the widower’s past sex life (or yours for that matter) is as poisonous to any relationship as having a ton of photos and other reminders of the past all over your home. The intimate moments between a couple should stay between them. Period. What they did together in their intimate moments has no bearing on your current relationship. What’s important is how you two enjoy each other now as opposed what he used to do with someone else.

For the widowers who read this column, if your girlfriend or wife asks about your sex life with the late wife, don’t answer it. Tell her that what you and the late wife shared in the bedroom was between the you and her and, like any intimate relationship you currently have, it’s not to be shared with others. And please don’t voluntarily bring up information about your past escapades with the late wife or others. You’re asking for nothing but trouble if this information gets out.

Unfortunately, I can speak to personal experience about this. I let something about my love life with the late wife slip early in my marriage to Marathon Girl. Even though it was a little thing it made Marathon Girl feel like in one small way she couldn’t measure up. Yes, we worked through it and our love life is fine thankyouverymuch, but it was an issue we wouldn’t have had to deal with if only I had kept my big mouth shut.

So when it comes to the widower’s past sex life, don’t ask about it and don’t tell anyone about it. It’s not important to your current relationship. Concentrate on each other and your current need. Your relationship will be stronger because of it.

Widower Wednesday: Call for Topics

If you’re reading this, then I’m spending the day moving the family into our new home. Since I won’t have time to write a Widower Wednesday column today, I thought I’d see what topics you’d like addressed in a future column. Requests I’ve received over the last week that I’ll be addressing in the next few weeks include:

• Why widowers shouldn’t get a memorial tattoo
• Tips and tricks to help widowers adjust to life alone
• Does how the late wife died affect the widower’s ability to move on?

Leave your ideas in to comment section below or send me an email. Look for a new column on one of the aforementioned topics next Wednesday.

Widower Wednesday: Go On

I don’t watch a lot of TV. With five young kids and four books in various stages of completion, I don’t have the time or energy to commit to the boob tube. But with Marathon Girl glued to the Olympics for two weeks (about the only time she watches TV) I kept seeing the promos for the new Mathew Perry show Go On. The subject matter of a recent widower trying to move on was enough to entice me to put down the pen for 30 minutes and see if the show was worth watching.

Much to my surprise, the pilot episode was entertaining, funny, and heartwarming. If done right, the show has lots of potential.

For those who haven’t seen it, Matthew Perry plays Ryan King, a recent widower who’s required to attend grief therapy before he can return to work. He ends up in a support group for “life change” filled with a bunch of eccentric characters who are dealing with the loss of their cat to a brother who’s in a coma. He brings cheerfulness and humor to a group that run by a strict Kubler-Ross type named Lauren (played by Laura Benanti) who wants to help people but whose “qualifications” for running the group is motivating people to lose weight through Weight Watchers.

It’s hard to find humor in loss and grief but the writers find the perfect mix of humor and heartfelt moments while doing a good job poking at the general absurdity of so some of the grief techniques and practices that “help” people move on.

As a former widower, Perry’s character felt real. He wants to move on with his life but is in denial about the need to get his life in order. Instead of dealing with his emotions, he turns to humor to deflect his feelings about loss. And the moments in the support group when he starts a March Sadness tournament in order to give someone sob-story bragging rights flat out hilarious. And even though his character is egotistical and self-absorbed (his favorite activity is listening to past sports shows he’s done), we see a hint of warmth as he goes out of his way to help certain members of the group come out of their shell.

Whether or not future episodes of Go On will be just as entertaining will depend a lot whether or not the writers let all of the characters in the show evolve. In real life we don’t like people who can’t move on with their life after a tragic event and it’s the same for characters in TV show. It would be easy to let those in the support group become standing punch lines for whatever situation Perry finds himself in. But since they showed some of the people taking baby steps at moving forward in the pilot, I’m hoping that they’ll move on from the group and be replaced by others.

The Perry character will have to evolve as well. Currently he’s kind of a sad jerk who we end up rooting for only because we see his genuine sadness at different times during the show. However, in order for us to root for him week after week, he can’t be a sullen jerk forever. At some point he’s going to have to come to terms with his loss and do what it takes to move on and either leave the group or become someone who leads. As part of his evolution, I’d like to see him start flirting with and dating the support group leader, Lauren, as there is plenty of funny and heartfelt dating a widower situations that could fill up an entire season or two.

I highly recommend watching the pilot. (You can watch it below). For the first time in years, I have a show to watch on regular basis. Hopefully future episodes are just as good.

Widower Wednesday: Widowers in the News

Occasionally readers will send me news stories about widowers. For Widower Wednesday I’ve decided to post and comment on two of the more interesting ones as well as an upcoming TV show.

First a story for those who have to deal with widowers who make frequent trips to the cemetery, here’s one from Alabama.

Jim Davis leaves no doubt about his willingness to do whatever it takes to honor his wife's dying wish.

Shortly before she died in April 2009 at the age of 66, Patsy Davis let it be known she wanted to be buried in the yard of the rural northeastern Alabama house where the couple raised their five children.

So that's exactly where Jim Davis laid his wife of "48 years, one month and four days" to rest, even though the city council in Stevenson denied him permission to do it.

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After his wife died, Davis picked out a spot in the front yard and applied to the county health department for the necessary approval. The department ran hydrological tests as required by law and granted his request.

Davis then sought permission from the city council. The council said no.

Davis said he's the kind of person who doesn't "take no for an answer." One morning soon after the council's refusal, he rented a backhoe and dug the plot anyway.

Read the full story at Yahoo! News.

Apparently burying people in one’s yard is legal in Alabama. If so, then I fully support Mr. Davis’ right to bury his wife in his front yard. Such an action, however, may deter any chances for a serious relationship if he decides to date again.

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On a happier note, here’s proof that widowers can move on again and that the former in-laws can even be supportive of the widower and his new love.

The Connecticut doctor who survived a horrific home invasion that left his two daughters and wife dead remarried on Sunday.

William Petit wed his girlfriend, 34-year-old photographer Christine Paluf, in Simsbury, Conn., and family spokesman Rick Healey told the Associated Press that about 300 people attended the ceremony. The couple had been seeing each other since the summer of 2011, People magazine reported, and they met while Paluf was volunteering for the Petit Family Foundation.

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The family of Petit’s late wife gave the couple their blessings. According to People, the family met Paluf in September 2011, at a birthday party for Petit. When Cindy Hawke-Renn, the sister of Petit’s late wife, learned on New Year’s Eve that they were engaged, she said she was thrilled for the couple. She added that her sister would have been too. “She would have only wished the best for him,” Hawke-Renn said. “That’s just how she was.”

Read the rest at Today and thanks to Kristen for the tip.

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Finally, there’s a new show, Go On, that is showing a preview episode after the Olympics tonight. Matthew Perry plays a radio talk show host who recently lost his wife and is ordered by his boss to undergo therapy. The previews look promising and assuming the show has staying power, I’m guessing they’re eventually going to have the Perry character start dating the lady who runs the therapy sessions.

The show is on too late for me to watch live but I’ll record it and see if it’s any good. If any readers happen to catch the show, I’d be curious as to your thoughts.

You can watch two previews of the show below.