Note: Watch a video version of this post here.
Something I frequently see in coaching sessions: a person dating a widow or widower asks for the late spouse's photos to come down from the living room, bedroom, or nightstand. The next thing that happens is they're called selfish, insecure, and unable to handle someone's past.
Nobody stops to ask the obvious question: If you can't build a new marriage without a tribute to the old one, who's actually insecure here?
Now, if you've read my books, you know I believe it's up to the couple to decide what goes in the home they're building together. Some are fine with a photo or two of the late spouse. Others prefer none at all. It's up to them to decide what works. And when minor children live in the home, I've been absolutely clear that a photo of the deceased parent in their room is fine.
What I'm not a fan of is labeling the non-widowed spouse as insecure or selfish for wanting to feel like a priority in the relationship — because that argument flips easily. A widow or widower who's secure in their relationship doesn't need photos of their deceased spouse on the wall. They don't need the house arranged like a museum to feel connected to their past. A secure person isn't leaning on pictures or anything else, because they're standing on their own.
If you're widowed, being asked to remove photos or trinkets so your new love can feel comfortable isn't about erasing anyone. Nobody's asking you to forget your late spouse existed, or saying grief has a deadline. But if your new relationship needs a shrine to survive, that's not love for the person who died — that's a crutch, and your new love is the one who has to walk around it every day.
And if you're the one dating a widow or widower — you're not wrong for wanting a home that feels like yours too. Wanting to come first in your own house isn't insecurity. It's a baseline.
The healthiest marriages don't run on the constant presence or total absence of photos. They run on both people feeling loved, respected, and like they actually come first. That's the standard. Everything else is decoration.
So next time you're labeled insecure for asking a photo to come down, ask who's really afraid to let go.
