Here’s my latest Widower Wednesday video.
Transcript: Hi, I’m Abel Keogh, author of Marrying a Widower. Today we’re talking about the second reason marriages to widowers thrive, and that happens when they set healthy boundaries with family, friends, and everyone else who thinks they get a vote in your relationship. Because sometimes, the hardest part about being with a widower isn’t the widower—it’s everyone orbiting around him.
A widower can be completely ready to start a new chapter, but his adult children, the late wife’s family, the old friend group, people at church, and even the next-door neighbor may act like they get to decide what he should do next. Most of these people mean well. But your marriage can’t run on other people’s opinions, expectations, or outdated loyalties. That’s why boundaries matter. If you don’t define them, someone else will—and it won’t be in your favor.
For your marriage to thrive, you both have to stop letting other people dictate how your relationship works. That includes his late wife’s family, his kids, your kids, old friends, extended family—anyone who thinks they have permanent input. If either of you is still being emotionally pulled in a direction that competes with your commitment to each other, you’re going to run into problems. A strong marriage needs boundaries that come from inside the relationship—not from guilt, pressure, or people who think they’re entitled to a seat at the table.
Let me give you a real example. A couple I talked with struggled their entire first year of marriage because the widower’s adult daughter refused to call his new wife anything other than “Dad’s friend.” She wouldn’t acknowledge the marriage. She avoided family photos. Every gathering was tense. Finally, the widower sat down with her and said—kindly but firmly—“We’re not asking for approval. Just basic courtesy. You don’t have to like the marriage, but you will respect it. And if the drama continues, I’ll have to spend less time with you because my marriage comes first.” That one boundary didn’t fix everything overnight, but it sent a message: this relationship matters. You don’t get to minimize it. And slowly, things changed. That’s the power of boundaries.
And just to be clear—this isn’t only the widower’s job. If your adult son shows up uninvited, starts drama, or expects you to drop everything for him, and you keep enabling it, that’s not just a boundary issue. That’s a loyalty issue. Same goes for friends who trash your husband or undermine the relationship. If you tolerate it, you’re inviting problems into the marriage.
I was fortunate. Most family and friends were supportive when I started a new relationship. But even then, I still had to have uncomfortable conversations. I had to tell people that I couldn’t keep participating in certain traditions or events because Julianna and I were building a new life together. New life means new routines—not recycled obligations. Most people respected it once they realized we were serious about protecting our marriage.
If you’re dating or engaged, set boundaries now. It will save you a lot of pain later. If you’re already married and struggling, it’s not too late. Sit down together and talk through what boundaries need to be set, what loyalty looks like, how much influence others should have, and what behaviors you won’t tolerate. Then have the uncomfortable conversations—and back each other up when those boundaries get tested. If he won’t stand beside you when things get tough, that’s a red flag. But if you won’t stand beside him, don’t expect him to fight these battles alone. Marriage is a team sport. You face this stuff together or it will eat away at the relationship from both sides.
Marrying a widower isn’t about replacing the past. It’s about protecting the future. And sometimes, that starts with one small word: no. No to guilt trips. No to being minimized. No to emotional manipulation disguised as tradition. No to “what she would have wanted.” You don’t owe anyone an explanation for setting boundaries. But you do owe it to each other to build a marriage that’s protected, prioritized, and built to last.