Want your marriage to a widower to thrive? Then watch this video!
Hi, I’m Abel Keogh, author of Marrying a Widower. Today we’re talking about Key #1 to building a thriving marriage with a widower: making each other the top priority.
It sounds obvious, but this is exactly where so many marriages to widowers start to crack. Not because the widower doesn’t care—most do—but because he’s torn in a dozen different directions. He’s trying to honor the past, protect his kids’ feelings, manage outside expectations, and somehow not lose you in the process. But here’s the truth: you can’t build a future with someone while keeping one foot in the past. And that goes for both of you.
The widower has to decide—consciously and intentionally—where his loyalty, attention, and emotional energy are going to go now. He can’t give his whole heart to someone new if part of it is still living in yesterday. At the same time, you need to be all-in as well. You can’t be half-in, constantly testing the relationship, or prioritizing your children, friends, or obligations over your marriage. If he’s stepping forward to put you first, he needs to know you’re doing the same thing.
Let me share a story. I met a couple at a remarriage conference who told me it took them almost three years to feel like an actual team. Why? Because every holiday, every family dinner, every big decision was filtered through one thing: “How will the kids react?” Selling his house… skipping a family event… even decorating for Christmas… every choice was made to avoid upsetting someone. They were walking on eggshells, always worried about the ripple effect. And that mindset poisoned everything. It kept them stuck in grief instead of moving forward in love.
Their marriage was close to ending—until they made a decision. They decided to stop trying to manage everyone else’s emotions and start building something new together. New memories. New routines. New goals. And yes, there was pushback from both sides of the family. But that shift is what finally allowed them to feel like a couple instead of two people trying to keep the peace.
This was something Julianna and I had to figure out, too. Even though we didn’t have children when we met, we still knew a fresh start was necessary if we were going to build something strong. One of the first things we agreed on was that I would sell my recently remodeled house so we could move somewhere new together. That meant letting go of comfort and familiarity. There were bumps along the way, but it was worth it. We ended up in a basement apartment 35 miles away—not glamorous, but exactly the clean slate we needed.
We also decided how we would spend holidays and special occasions—not based on what we’d always done, not based on what anyone expected of us, but based on what would strengthen our marriage. That shift toward new traditions and shared choices gave us a solid foundation to build on.
If your marriage is going to succeed, you both have to stop looking backward and trying to keep everyone else happy. You have to build something that’s uniquely yours. That means putting each other first every single day—not just in words, but in your choices, your habits, and your priorities.
When you do that, you create a relationship where you both feel seen, valued, and chosen as the person who holds the future with you.
Don’t settle for anything less. Expect that kind of love—and give it back just as fully.
I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book, Marrying a Widower, and I’ll see you all next week.