Love Across Decades: Must-Knows Before Making a Big Age Gap Commitment.

Wondering if a big age gap relationship can work long-term? In this video, we dive into a viewer’s question: What should a 45-year-old woman consider before committing to a 63-year-old partner (18-year gap)? From lifestyle differences to future planning, we cover the essential factors to weigh for a lasting romance across decades. Watch now for practical insights—share your thoughts in the comments!

Hi, it’s Wednesday, and that means it’s time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower. Today, we’re answering a question about large age gaps in relationships. This comes from a viewer who wrote: “There is an 18-year age gap between me and my widower. I’m 45, and he is 63. What challenges should we think about as we move forward, and from your coaching sessions, do these relationships have a chance of working out?” These are great questions, and I’m glad you’re thinking ahead about some of the age-related issues you might experience in addition to the widower-related ones.

If you want these relationships to work, you need to consider the long-term implications of being with someone with a 20-year age gap before committing. Every relationship is different, but I think there are five key factors to consider. The first is different life stages and long-term compatibility. At 45 and 63, you’re likely in different life stages. You might have years of career growth, travel adventures, or minor kids still living at home, while he may be thinking about retirement, slowing down, or even health concerns. Ask yourself: Do your long-term goals align? Are you okay with the possibility of becoming a caregiver sooner rather than later? As the age gap stretches into the 70s and 80s, health concerns often become more prominent. How do you both envision the next 10 to 20 years? What is your life like now, and do you see that aligning?

The second factor is energy levels, activities, and lifestyle. What are your energy level and lifestyle like right now? Does he match it? In your 40s and his 60s, he might be able to keep up, but what about in the next 10 to 20 years? What do you both enjoy doing in your free time, and can you continue doing those things as he gets older? The age gap will become more noticeable, especially when it comes to energy levels and interests. Are you going to be satisfied if his energy decreases or if his physical or mental abilities decline, limiting the activities you enjoy now? These differences don’t have to be deal-breakers, but you need to acknowledge and think about them.

The third factor is work, retirement, and finances. At 63, I assume he’s nearing or already in retirement. What’s his financial situation? Is he financially independent? What’s his retirement income like? Are there expectations that you’ll contribute more as he ages, especially if you’re still working while he’s retired? How does that dynamic affect your lifestyle if he’s at home all day and you’re working a 9-to-5 job? You need to have conversations about money, estate planning, and long-term financial security. Since he’s likely to pass away before you, what are the plans? Does he have kids, and how does that factor in? Every situation is individual, but these are things to consider.

The fourth factor is intimacy and physical changes. A 20-year age difference means physical aging will impact the relationship, especially as he gets older. Health issues, sexual function changes, and shifts in energy levels can all affect intimacy. Is he open to discussing these things? What are you willing to accept or not accept? Is physical connection an important part of your relationship? Consider how these factors might evolve not just in the next one, two, or three years, but 5 to 10 years down the road.

The fifth and biggest factor is end-of-life considerations. This isn’t the most romantic topic, but it’s an important one. If you’re committing your long-term future to someone 20 years older, you have to face the reality that he’s likely to die before you. You could be widowed in your 50s or 60s. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s a reality compared to a relationship with someone your own age. Are you prepared emotionally and practically for the possibility of becoming widowed or a long-term caregiver? What are his wishes regarding living arrangements and long-term care? There’s no right or wrong answer, but are you thinking through the worst-case scenario? Are you okay with it? Is he okay with it? Are you on the same page?

Now, your real question is: What are the odds of this relationship working out? The answer is yes, it can work. What matters isn’t the age gap itself but how well you navigate the challenges it brings. If you can both communicate about these issues, respect each other’s life experiences and differences, and have common ground on the things that matter most, the relationship has a strong foundation. But if you find yourself making too many compromises or ignoring red flags, it’s worth reevaluating whether this will truly bring you long-term happiness, especially 10 to 20 years ahead.

Instead of asking, “Can this work?” ask yourself, “Is this the life I want?” If you’re comfortable with the realities of dating someone nearly 20 years older and see a future that excites you, then age is just a number. But if these differences feel like obstacles rather than adjustments, it’s okay to acknowledge that love alone isn’t enough to make a relationship sustainable. In the relationships I’ve seen that work, they have a long-term view and are aligned on it. They’re okay with the possible challenges. If you’re in your 50s and he’s in his 70s, are you okay with being a long-term caregiver? If you’re widowed in your 60s, are you prepared for that? If you can take that long-term view and agree this is the life you want for the next 10, 20, or 25 years, then go for it. If not, be honest with yourself—maybe the age gap is too much to overcome.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower. Leave your stories and comments about large age gaps below, and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.

How Can Widows and Widowers Overcome Their Fear of Loss?

A viewer asks, “My widower boyfriend is afraid that he will lose me like he did his late wife. How can he get over this fear?” The video below has the answer.

Hi, it’s Wednesday and that means it’s time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and today we’re answering a question from a viewer who writes: “My widower boyfriend is afraid that he will lose me like he did his late wife. How can he get over this fear?”

I love this question! Thank you for asking it because it’s one that come up regularly in coaching sessions. So, let’s get started.

We all know that loss is an inevitable part of life, whether it comes from death, breakups, or unforeseen circumstances. Widows and widowers know better than anyone that when you open you heart to someone, you run the risk that the relationship will end at some point. Love always carries the risk of loss—but that risk is what makes love meaningful. If we let fear dictate our choices, we don’t actually protect ourselves; we only prevent ourselves from experiencing deep, fulfilling relationships.

Psychological research supports the idea. Studies on attachment theory and grief recovery show that people who allow themselves to form new emotional bonds, rather than avoiding them out of fear, tend to have better long-term well-being. They’ve shown that avoiding emotional connections due to fear of loss can actually increase stress and anxiety, whereas forming new, secure relationships helps people heal and build resilience. Other studies have shown that people who embrace life after loss—rather than shutting themselves off—often develop a greater appreciation for love and relationships, leading to deeper emotional fulfillment.

But the solution isn’t to withdraw or hold back—it’s to embrace love fully despite the uncertainty. The strength to love again doesn’t come from guarantees; it comes from the courage to accept the unknown and choose connection anyway. Love, at its core, is an act of vulnerability. It requires us to open our hearts, knowing full well that doing so means we could get hurt. But it’s also the only way to truly live and experience the depth of human connection.

For example: When I fell in love with Julianna there was a very real fear that our marriage might end due to her dying at some point. Yes, I was worried about that. When Julianna was pregnant with our children, did I worry that something might happen to them and that I’d lose another child. Yes, that fear was very real and even stronger than the fear of losing her. But I didn’t let my fears stop me from moving forward. If anything, I am by more appreciative of my 22-year marriage to Julianna and our 7 children than I would have been if I hadn’t lost my late wife Krista and our daughter Hope.

So for those widows and widowers who want to open their hearts but are struggling with the fear of loss, let me suggest a change of mindset. The question to ask yourself isn’t, What if I lose this person?—it’s What kind of life do I want to live? A life dictated by fear will always be small and unfulfilling. A life guided by love, on the other hand, will be rich and meaningful, regardless of what the future holds. Every great love story, past and present, is built on the willingness to embrace uncertainty. Holding back out of fear won’t prevent loss; it will only prevent love. And in the end, the greatest tragedy isn’t losing someone—it’s never allowing yourself to love fully in the first place.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.

NEW BOOK: From First Date to Soulmate: Finding True Love in the Age of Narcissism, Addictions, and Hooking Up

My latest relationship guide is now available. Perfect for those looking to finding someone they can happily spend the rest of their lives with. More information below.

Discover Your Path to True Love

Are you ready to find your soulmate and build a love that lasts a lifetime? Best-selling author and renowned relationship coach Abel Keogh brings you From First Date to Soulmate, the ultimate handbook for anyone seeking a deep, meaningful, and life-long connection.

Drawing on timeless love stories and over 15 years of professional experience as a relationship coach, Abel offers a unique blend of wisdom, practical advice, and inspiring insights to guide your journey. This indispensable guide reveals:

  • The Key Qualities of a Soulmate: Understand what truly matters in a partner and how to recognize those traits.

  • Dealbreakers Uncovered: Learn to identify and avoid red flags that could sabotage your happiness.

  • Effective Strategies for Finding Love: Discover the most successful methods for meeting and connecting with your soulmate.

  • Protection from Heartbreak: Recognize and steer clear of narcissists, addicts, and people seeking casual flings.

  • How to Build a Lasting Relationship: Navigate the transition from dating to a lifelong commitment with confidence.

From First Date to Soulmate is more than just a book—it's your practical guide to finding and maintaining a fulfilling and enduring relationship. Whether you're starting fresh or seeking to deepen an existing relationship, this book will provide the tools and inspiration to find and keep the love of your life.

Life After Loss or How to Live Again After the Death of a Spouse

When you lose a spouse, you often lose friends and connections that once filled your life with joy. You may find that couples you used to spend time with have drifted away, or that close friends are now distant. It’s not just friendships that suffer; relationships with family members, neighbors, and coworkers can also change for the worse. How does one best deal with this change? Relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh has the answer.

Life After Loss or How to Live Again After the Death of a Spouse

It’s Wednesday and that means it’s time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I’m Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today we’re addressing the subject of life after loss. This comes from a heartbreaking comment that was left on one of my YouTube videos by a recent widower. He writes:

“What if you don’t have any friends that want to have you over? What if you have friends who are just superficial they say hi to you and passing and that’s it. What if even your own children don’t call you on Christmas or they don’t even bother to check on you even during the year you know they just call every periodically. And what if you’re widowed. And you live in a building full of other people who are just about as miserable as they can get. Especially older people. When my wife was alive she decorated she cooked. She had me pass out candy to the neighbors. She had me doing all kinds of things. She brightened the holidays and now I don’t have anyone to show that stuff with anymore. And sometimes you think people are your friends. And they’re always about them and never about you. I’ve even had people. Tell me you need to forget about your wife who passed away what kind of a friendship is that. Well, I do know it’s only my faith and God is keeping me going.”

To the widower who shared this, I want you to know that I truly empathize with you. Your words highlight a painful reality: when you lose a spouse, you often lose friends and connections that once filled your life with joy. You may find that couples you used to spend time with have drifted away, or that close friends are now distant. It’s not just friendships that suffer; relationships with family members, neighbors, and coworkers can also change for the worse.

There are many reasons for this shift. Some friends might feel uncomfortable navigating the new dynamics of your life, while others may not know how to support you and choose to pull away. Sometimes, the bereaved person struggles to move forward, which can create a barrier to social interactions. I can’t speak to the specifics of your situation, but I do know that you have a choice in how you respond to this loss: you can either take action or let life pass you by.

This means being proactive about changing your circumstances. If your friends aren’t reaching out, don’t hesitate to contact them. If that’s not an option, look for meetup groups that align with your interests or consider joining a civic or religious organization that provide opportunities to socialize. If you live in a building with others who might be feeling the same way, invite them over for a get-to-know-you lunch or another activity. Emulate what your wife did—spread joy by passing out treats to neighbors or doing something kind for those around you.

In short, be the change you want to see. Reach out to old friends, and if they’re unresponsive, seek out new friendships by connecting with people who share your interests. Also, take the initiative to bring joy to others in similar situations as yours. You understand how they feel, so small acts of kindness can make a big difference for everyone involved. Even if it takes time to see the results, simply getting out of the house and shaking up your routine can greatly enhance your mental and emotional well-being.

Being widowed is undeniably tough, but it also presents an opportunity to start a new chapter, forge new friendships, and create fresh memories. Instead of relying on others for happiness, take charge of your own life and focus on making both yourself and those around you better off for having known you.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower. If you found this video helpful, please like and subscribe. You can also schedule a coaching session through the link in the description below. I’ll see you all next Wednesday!

Running Mount Crumpit, Year 2

Yesterday, I participated in the annual Mount Crumpit run for the second time. For those who don't know, Mount Crumpit, the home of the Grinch, is 3,000 feet above Whoville. This run takes participants to the top of the mountain, 3,000 feet above the valley floor.

My time this year was 24 minutes faster than last year, likely because we weren't running in a blizzard. The sunny weather made the view of Whoville from the top much more enjoyable.

This year’s stats:

  • Distance: 10.18 miles

  • Elevation gain: 3,081 feet (939 meters)

  • Time: 2:22:58 (24 minutes faster than last year)

  • Total Steps: 21,563

Looking forward to another run next year!

You Can’t Save or Fix a Widower (Or the Story of David and Emily)

Though it may be tempting, you can't save or fix a widower. I explain why through the story of David and Emily.

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Hi, it's Wednesday, and that means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower, and today I'm going to explain why you can't save or fix a widower. We're going to start with a common romantic storyline that might be familiar to many of you, and this is how it goes. I call it the story of David and Emily.

David is a widower who lost his wife to a long illness two years ago. He is still in deep grief and struggling to move on while clinging to the memories of his late wife, Sarah. David keeps to himself, avoiding social interactions and focusing only on work. His family and friends encourage him to move on, but he remains emotionally closed off, unsure how to open his heart again. Then, usually by happenstance, a woman named Emily runs into him at work or is introduced to him by friends or family. Maybe she's a coworker or someone David already knows. Whatever the case, Emily is warm, patient, and full of life, with that quiet strength that draws people to her. Emily's genuine kindness and openness to others spark something in David, though he initially resists his growing feelings.

David and Emily keep running into each other, and Emily's warmth slowly chips away at David's emotional walls. Emily shares her own story of recent heartache, showing him that she understands his pain and loss. They become friends. Despite his inner conflict and the fear of letting go of the past, David wants to experience love and happiness again. Soon, David begins to see Emily as more than just a friend. David reaches a breaking point on his late wife's death anniversary, which forces him to confront his grief head-on. He pulls away from Emily, feeling unworthy of love and fearing he will betray his late wife's memory. Emily, understanding as always, gives him space but her patience shows David that love doesn't diminish over time.

In the heartwarming conclusion of our story, David returns to Emily, apologizing for his earlier retreat and confessing his love for her. The two embrace their new future together, understanding that love is a journey of healing and growth. The story ends with David and Emily starting a new chapter of their lives, knowing that love can blossom even after loss.

Now, while stories like David and Emily’s are the foundation for romance books and Hallmark movies, the problem with this plot is that it's utterly detached from reality. In the real world, the story of David and Emily would go something like this: David is still deep in grief two years after the death of his wife, Sarah. He is consumed by the memories of their life together, trying to hold on to the past while struggling with the overwhelming feeling that he will never love again. He goes through daily life but emotionally checks out. Despite the well-meaning encouragement of his friends and family, David isn't ready to move on. The idea of dating again feels like a betrayal to Sarah's memory, and he's not interested in opening himself up to anyone.

Enter Emily, the warm and patient woman who's looking for a fresh start after a difficult breakup. When she meets David, she sees through his stony exterior, noticing the sadness behind his eyes and feeling the deep desire to help him heal. She believes that she can break down the walls he's built around his heart with her patience and kindness. David initially resists her warmth, unsure how to handle Emily's openness, but over time, Emily's gentle persistence wears him down and they begin spending more time together. At first, it's casual—coffee dates, walks around town, moments of shared laughter. David enjoys her company, and for a fleeting moment, he wonders if there might be a chance for something new. He agrees to go on a few more dates, thinking that perhaps he could try to move on, but deep down, he's not truly ready. Every time Emily shows affection or speaks about a future together, David's heart recoils, overwhelmed by the memory of Sarah. Still, he agrees to a relationship because he enjoys Emily's company, and let's face it, it's better than being alone.

As the months pass, Emily grows increasingly frustrated at David's lack of progress in opening his heart. She’s been patient and understanding, knowing that David needs time, but the longer they’re together, the clearer it becomes that David’s heart is still locked in the past. He continues to push her away emotionally, unable or unwilling to fully open up to her. Emily watches as David remains emotionally distant, unable to share the love she feels for him. She starts to realize that despite her best efforts, David isn't ready for a relationship—at least not with her, anyway. Maybe not with anyone.

After two years of waiting for David to heal, Emily makes the difficult decision to walk away. Though heartbroken, she gains clarity, realizing that it's time to find someone who can fully be present with her. Meanwhile, David remains trapped in his memories, uncertain if he'll ever move on. Emily accepts the painful truth that love alone can't fix what's broken. She leaves, sad and frustrated, knowing that her love couldn’t heal someone who wasn't ready to heal himself.

Unfortunately, the second version of the story is far more common and realistic than the first. In fact, it's a story I hear daily from clients who have spent months or even years of their lives trying to heal a heart that's not ready to be mended. They’ve showered their widowed partner with patience and love, only to end up with broken dreams and shattered hearts themselves. The reality is, you can’t save or fix a widower. No amount of love, patience, or effort will make a difference unless the widower wants to move forward and open his heart again. He’s the only one who can save himself. You might inspire him to take steps toward opening his heart, but you can’t do it for him.

A good way to look at this is like running a marathon. You can be there at the starting line to cheer him on. You can be there at aid stations, giving him something to drink and offering encouraging words at mile markers along the way. You can even be there at the finish line to give him a hug when the race is over. But you can’t run the race for him. That’s only something the widower can do. And a widower won’t run the race, so to speak, unless he has a reason and the motivation to run it.

So some of you are asking: what can you do to incentivize or encourage a widower to open his heart? Here are three things. The first is to expect the same behavior from him as you would a single or divorced man. Don’t keep silent when he says something that makes you uncomfortable; speak up. The second thing is to set healthy boundaries by letting him know how his words, actions, or lack thereof are unacceptable, and that you need to be number one in his heart. The third is to not be afraid to walk away if he’s not making progress. Waiting around forever for a widower to change usually doesn’t yield good results. Sometimes, widowers need to feel that they’ve lost you in order to evaluate their life and decisions.

Do these three things, and you'll give the widower all the motivation and incentive he needs to open his heart—if he’s ready to do it. If you do these things and he can’t move forward with you, he’s not ready.

I’m Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower, which, by the way, is a great resource if you want to know if the widower you’re dating is ready for a serious relationship. Check out the book, and I’ll see you all next Wednesday.