Widower Wednesday: Success Story: Jessica

For the next couple of weeks I'm sharing some success stories that women have had with their widowers. You can read the first story here. This week's story is below.

Jessica's Story

I had my first date with Stephen on July 3, 2013. We met on Match.com at the end of June, just 4 months after his LW took her own life in a prescription drug overdose. She died just a few months before their 10 year wedding anniversary, and they had dated 5 years before that. As he was only 32 at the time of her death and 33 when we met, he had spent most of her life with her. I was reasonably sure that he wasn't ready for a relationship when we started dating, but I took a chance on simply meeting someone new, as I had not gone out on a first date in a long time myself. I quickly discovered the Dating a Widower Facebook group and got a lot of support from there. Those women became my lifeline. I also found Abel Keogh's books, Dating a Widower, Life with a Widower,and Room for Two. Dating a Widower and Life with a Widower helped me realize I wasn't alone in my feelings and experiences. Room for Two gave me an idea of some of the experiences that Stephen may have had in dealing with the death of his late wife and the experiences of dating again after many years of marriage.

The first few months we dated were a bit awkward, with lots of stories about "my wife", even when they weren't related to the topic at hand. Those stopped when I told him that it made me feel uncomfortable and asked him to refer to her by his name. When we started dating, all of her clothes were still in the closet, her makeup and stuff was in the bathroom, and there was a large framed portrait in the living room. He lived in a one-bedroom apartment, so all things being considered, the living room was the best place for it. The clothing and picture went away after about 7 months of dating, which coincided with the anniversary of her passing. It took a lot of prompting and some tears on my part, but I also knew he had to do it on his time. It was really hard, though, hearing him tell me that he loved me, kissing and cuddling on his couch, while seeing a picture of his LW almost staring at us on the living room wall.

In the early spring, we started to talk about a future together. He told me that he wanted to marry me, but still seemed reluctant to really move forward and was unable to explain why. It was like getting married was just an idea, instead of something he was serious about. When I asked questions, he seemed to emotionally pull away. I didn't understand, and contemplated throwing in the towel and walking away. Around the time of our one year anniversary, we took a trip to visit my parents out of state. I was sure that he was going to ask my dad's permission to propose. He didn't, and again, I contemplated walking away. This went on for quite awhile. In early October, I bought him a Kindle copy of Abel's book Room for Two, as I thought reading about another man's journey as a survivor or suicide may speak to him. He read the book and then went on a Mens' retreat with our church. Both of those things really worked wonders,but something was still missing. I think that only Stephen would be able to speak to what that was, because I still had a deadline in my head of when I was going to walk away. I'm 37 years old and knew that I could only spend so much time in a relationship that was stagnant, before I had to move on.

Thanksgiving weekend, we traveled out of town to spend the holiday with my mom's side of the family. That morning, before everyone came over, he and I took a walk. He told me how much he loved me and asked me to marry him. When we got back to the house, he asked my dad's permission, and here we are.

If I were to provide any words of wisdom, it would be to communicate. Use words, not texts or emails. We share a religion and tried to pray together when times were really tough. No relationship is perfect, because nobody is perfect. Set realistic expectations, but don't let a W get away with stuff just because he's a W. Best wishes to all of you.

Keogh's Potato Chips/Crisps

About two years ago, I was doing an internet search on my last name and came across an Irish  potato chip brand called Keogh's. Thinking it was cool that there were chips with my last name, I went around seeing if I could find them and order them in the states. No such luck.

Back in October when I went on a business trip to London, I looked for them and even asked my UK coworkers if they had heard of them. None had. While I was there the sister who lives in the UK came down to London and I asked her about them. She said she had seen them but that they were hard to find. I told her that if she ever found some, that she needed to send them to me.

Well, yesterday my wish finally came true. My sister sent my two bags of Keogh's potato crisps. (See photo above.) They are delicious. My favorite flavor of the two was the Irish cider & vinegar. 

Thanks, sis! They made me very happy indeed.

Searching Enabled

Since launching the new website, I've had several requests for a Search feature. As today, there is one. You can find it in the site menu or access the search page here.

If you have other requests or questions about the site, drop me a note.

A new and improved web store will be coming later this month.

Widower Wednesday: Success Stories: Crystal

Over the holidays there was six engagement announcements from the GOWS on the Dating a Widower Facebook page. Because Widower Wednesday columns tend to focus on problems rather than more positive moments, I asked the ladies to share their success stories. Over the next several weeks you'll read some of their stories. It is my hope is that you'll find them inspirational and educational.

Here's the first success story.

Crystal's Story

I was divorced at the age of 25 with a 4 year old and had decided to wait a couple years before dating again. When that time came around I had heard about online dating websites but had never actually used one. So I signed up and made a really quick profile and within two days I received an email from my widower.

 I read his profile which indicated that he was a W with two young children aged seven and one. I met him for dinner a week later. Within two months I moved into his home, left my job and became a stay at home mom. The reason behind all this, was the children were suffering. I became “Mom” quickly and we seemed to skip over every milestone a normal relationship would have. It's as if we went from dating for two months to being married with 3 children full time under the age of seven. My widower had lost his late wife 12 weeks after the birth of their daughter, so only eight months after she passed was I living in his home.

Things were difficult for the first year and trying in every aspect. Grief from my widower and his son, raising a new baby girl, blending a family, on top of my health spiraling out of control. I was patient, kind and respectful the first year, helped with date of death memorials and the spreading of late ashes, but I could have done better. I was very short, quiet, and even angry at times whenever someone would mention her name, or a memory of her. In short that was my own insecurities, not feeling good enough when really they just missed her.

Counseling, talking things out and never giving up on each other is what pushed us through the last three years. I give my everything and so does he. Anytime we have an issue, I would talk about it, sometimes not in the best way, sometimes I was very hurtful and sometimes so was he without trying to be. It has all been worth it, every tear, every fight, every discussion, every tough decision and every night that I lay awake wondering if I am doing everything right.

On Christmas 2014, the kids, the widower, and I opened our presents and as I was cleaning up the widower went outside. I didn't realize or even pay attention to what he was doing, I kept cleaning and he entered through the front door and said, “Hey kids, time for Mom to open her last gift.”

I looked up and he was down on one knee next to the kids with tears filling up in his eyes.

He said "Crystal, Will you please marry me?"

I balled my eyes out and couldn't even speak, he slipped the ring on my finger and I kissed and hugged him saying "YES!" Needles to say two-and-a-half years of being patient, being kind, loving each other to the fullest and making our children first priority lead us to that day.

Please ladies give them time, give them love, be patient, speak about what bothers you but not in a way that attacks but in a way that gives them an example of what it feels like to be in your shoes. Love is key.

Dating a Widower Now Available in Chinese

My relationship guide, Dating a Widower, is now available as an ebook in Chinese. Admittedly it's kind of cool to see one of my book in another language even though I don't speak it.

It will be interesting to see how the book translates culturally. Most of the women who email me with widower-related questions or concerns generally come from English speaking countries. Those who come from countries where English is not the native language are usually dating expats or westerners--not people in their native country. I brought up this concern when approached by the publisher who wanted to translate the book but they didn't seem concerned about it. Once the reviews and feedback start coming in, I'll post them here (assuming that the comments are in English).

Finally, Room for Two and The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers are also being translated into Chinese. They should be available in the coming months. I'll post on my blog when they're available.

Widower Wednesday: Holiday Widower Articles

There's been of plethora of holiday related questions over on the Dating a Widower Facebook group so I thought I'd post some links to previous widower-related holiday posts. I hope they help with some of the most common holiday issues that sometimes arise when it comes to dating a widower.

• Holiday Decorations
• Giving Gifts
• Alone for the Holidays
• Presents for the Late Wife
• Remembering the Late Wife during the Holidays
• Making New Holiday Traditions
• Moody Holiday Widowers
• The Widower, His Children, and Christmas

Update: Broken links have been fixed.

Interview with Open to Hope Radio

Open to Hope Radio did an interview with me on my book, The Ultimate Dating Guide for Widowers. You can listen to the 15 minute interview here.

New Website

Regular visitors to my site will notice that I've launched a new website. It's something I've wanted to do for the last year or so but haven't had the time to do it until now. 

The biggest reason for the change was that I wanted something that would look good on phones. That goal has been achieved. There were other technical changes I wanted enabled as well, including the ability for people to subscribe to blog posts.

There is still more work to be done. Over the next couple weeks I'll be launching a new and improved store for those who'd like personalized copies of my books. Other improvements, including tweaking the look and feel a bit, are on their way too.

I'm still finding some bugs on the site. If you happen to notice something, please send me an email or leave a comment below and I'll work to resolve them as fast as possible.

Thanks for reading.

Widower Wednesday: What Red Flags Should I Look for When Dating a Widower?

Recently I received an email from a GOW who had just started dating a widower. Though the relationship was still in the early stages, she wanted to know what red flags she should be on the lookout for so she could know if he was ready to move on or not.

I’ve previously posted a list of red flags that anyone dating a widower should be aware of. While that list covers the biggest, most common ones, it doesn’t take into account other warning signs that the widower may not be ready to move on or individual circumstances, wants, and needs that come with each relationship. So, here are three things GOWs can do to see if there are other red flags they should be worried about.

1. Know What You Want in a Relationship

Before you can identify other red flags in any relationship, it’s important to know what you’re looking for when it comes to a man. You need to have a good idea what values you want a potential partner and what behavior you expect from him before you can identify red flags. Once you know what you want, compare that list to the widower’s values and actions. Do you feel that he loves and respects you or do you feel mistreated and unsure if how he feels about you? Mark anything that doesn’t line up with what you expect as a possible red flag.

2. Figure Out if You're Making Grief-Related Excuses for His Behavior

After you've identified potential red flags, take a step back and see if you’re making grief-related excuses for his behavior. You determine if you're putting up with a widower's actions, comments, and behavior that you wouldn't tolerate from a divorced of single man. If you are, you need to stop making excuses for his behavior. Allowing someone to misbehave for any reason is simply going to encourage them to keep doing it. You need to put your foot down and start treating him like you would any other guy you'd date and see if he's willing to move on or not.

3. Decide What You Can and Can't Live With

After going through the first two steps, take a long, honest look at the widower and decide if he was to stay exactly the same person as he is today (red flags and all), could you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? Not everyone is going to line up perfectly with what we want in a spouse. What you need to decide is if the red flags you've identified are things you can live with or deal breakers. If you can't live with them, then you need to decide how much more time and energy you're willing to invest in the relationship that's not going anywhere.

Don't be afraid to walk away from a relationship that's not going anywhere. Breaking up isn't fun or easy, but in the long run it beats staying in a relationship that's not going anywhere. Have the courage to be honest with yourself and the widower about any red flags. You'll both be better off for it.

Room for Two FREE on Kindle

My first book, Room for Two, is free on Kindle starting today. It will be available as a free download through Friday, September 26.

It's also available for free in the Amazon stores for Canada, UK, Australia, Japan, France, Brazil, India, Spain, Italy, Mexico, and Germany.

If you don't have a Kindle you can download  Kindle app for your phone, tablet, or computer for free.

Read the first three chapters of Room for Two here.

About Room for Two

"Sweetie, I'm home." I tried to put as much kindness into my voice as possible. I didn't want to have another argument - at least not right away.

Silence.

"Sweetheart?"

A gunshot echoed from our bedroom, followed by the sound of a bullet casing skipping along a wall.

Everything slowed down.

***

When a life is destroyed, when guilt says you played a role in its destruction, how do you face the days ahead?

Twenty-six-year-old Abel Keogh chooses to ignore the promptings he receives concerning his wife's mental illness, and now he feels he is to blame for her choices. If only he had listened . . .

At some point in our lives, each of us face devastating afflictions and must eventually cope with loss. Regardless of how it happens, the outcome is still the same - we are left isolated, alone, wondering what we could have done differently, and where we can turn for peace.

This is Abel's story in his own words. His search for peace and the miracle that follows is proof that love and hope can endure, despite the struggles and tragedies that shape each of our lives.