The Amazing Technicolor Cast

When I was in first grade a classmate, Carson, broke his arm during recess. I can’t remember the circumstances surrounding how the accident occurred but what I do remember is him showing up to school the next day in a shiny, white plaster cast. During the day we all took turns signing our names on it. As happens with kids of that age, his cast became the envy of everyone in the class.

The envy didn’t last long. Within a couple of weeks Carson was complaining about his arm itching. And then there was the smell. Since he couldn’t get the cast wet, his arm under the cast was hard to clean. I remember sitting by him at lunch and telling him his arm smelled and him explaining to me that it was hard to clean. I think I still scooted down bench a foot or two to eat my lunch.

At some point the cast came off and life in first grade returned to normal. What I do remember from that incident is that Carson seemed uncomfortable enough wearing a cast that I hoped I’d never break an arm or any other part of my body that would require me to get a cast. Even though everyone could sign it, it just didn’t seem worth it.

Fast forward to 2013.

Last Sunday my 5-year-old daughter fell off her scooter and broke her arm. Thankfully, she didn’t need pins or any other surgery. The doctor took x-rays and put her arm in a splint. A few days later she went to get a cast.

How times have changes since I was a kid.

I came home from work on Thursday and discovered that not only did she have a cast that looked like an exploding rainbow, the material it’s made from is waterproof. She can take a bath or shower, swim, or do any other water activities without worry. For the most part, she’s going on with life like nothing ever happened to it. And though I still hope I never break an arm or any other part of my body, I have to say that wearing a cast doesn’t seem as bad as it did when I was in first grade.

Why I Run

Lately I've been going on some 12-mile, Saturday morning runs with Marathon Girl (who is trying to get back into shape after kiddo number six). The first question most people ask when they hear about these long, Saturday morning runs is what race I’m training for. I always smile when that question gets asked because I’m not training for anything. I’m not a big fan of races whether it’s a 5k or a marathon. I run simply because I love running.

Every runner has their own reasons for strapping on the shoes and hitting the road. Some train for races and look to improve their time while others do it to lose weight or numerous other reasons. But for me running is like writing—it’s something that’s in my blood. I have to do every day or I go crazy. If I don’t get at least 30 minutes of running and at least an hour of writing in every day (preferably first thing in the morning) my day just doesn’t feel complete, I don’t have as much energy as usual, and I can’t think as clearly. And if I can squeeze 90 minutes of uninterrupted, kid-free running time with Marathon Girl, that’s even better.

So if you see me pounding the pavement early in the morning, just note that I’m doing it because I love the fresh air and the way each step makes me feel. It’s my sanity check in an increasingly crazy world. It’s a way to bond and grow closer to Marathon Girl. It one of the few things I truly love to do.

Widower Wednesday: Widowers, Children, and Blending Families

Lately it seems like the biggest issue in my inbox from GOWs and WOWs have to do with children. In some cases problems have do with the complexity of blending families. Sometimes it’s the widower’s adult or minor children or the GOW’s children that are the problem. Other times it’s the widower who uses his grief (or his children’s grief) as an excuse not to be a parent anymore.

Widower relationships when children are involved is a topic I’ve only addressed occasionally in these columns as Marathon Girl and myself didn’t bring any (living) children into the relationship. However, as a father of six now, I’m seeing a lot of themes and patterns in my inbox and discovering that a lot of the issues aren’t really widower or grief problems but due to a lack of parenting. As a result, I’m ready to write more about these topics.

In order to meet the needs of as many readers as possible, here’s what I’d like you to do: In the comment section below, list the top three issues you’ve had to deal with if you, the widower, or both of you have children. It doesn’t matter if the children are young and still live at home or grown up with families of their own—I want to know what have been the pain points of blending families, parenting, and moving forward when you and/or the widower have brought kids to the relationship. If you don’t feel comfortable posting these in public, you can send me an email with the information.

In a couple of weeks, I’ll post the results from the comments, my email, and the Dating a Widower Facebook group and, at the very least, write a series of columns about the top issues. Maybe something more will come out of it but it’s an issue I’m not going to sidestep anymore.

Leave your top 3 issues below. And if you have successfully navigated the problem, please include some information on how you solved it.

Thanks and looking forward to hearing what you have to say.

To the Class of 2013

Last Friday, my alma mater had Jon Huntsman, Jr. send 4,327 graduates into the real world. Most commencement speeches (if you've sat through enough of them) are more or less the same. If you've heard one, you've heard them all. But occasionally a person actually delivers a speech worth listening to. (Full disclosure, even though I remember who my commencement speaker was, I can't remember what he or anyone else said that day.) So, as usual this time of year, I post the two great commencement speeches of the last 10 years. The first was the one Steve Jobs gave to Stanford graduates in 2005 while the other was delivered by David McCullough, Jr. to Wellesley High School. They're good speeches because they're unconventional in their message but also because they deliver a message most graduates sorely need to hear. They can both be watched below. Enjoy! Steve Jobs commencement address to Standford 2005

David McCullough, Jr. commencement address to to Wellesley High School

My Quest for GWOT! Horribly Funny Hairticklers

Sometime during my first years of elementary school, my brother, Sean, and I came across a book in the school library titled GWOT! Horribly Funny Hairticklers by George Mendoza. The book, at least though our young minds, was anything but funny. The three or four stories the book and the creepy illustrations (by Steven Kellogg) that went along with the stories scared the hell out of us. Still, it seemed like one of us was always checking out the book and bringing it home in order to enjoy the frightening thrill ride again and again.

The book crossed my mind the other day when my older kids were clamoring for a scary bedtime story. I thought it would be fun to get a copy of that book and see if it would frighten my kids as much as it did me and my brother. So after I tucked the kids in bed for the night I went online to see if I could find a copy.

Much to my surprise the book is out of print and has been for at least 20 years. The cheapest copy I can find is a used one in “acceptable” condition for $75. Most copies are selling for three figures. All are out of my budget for one children’s book.

I’ve looked all over Internet and scoured all of the local used/rare bookstores in the Salt Lake City area for a less expensive, used copy so far with no luck. Is there anyone out there that knows where I can find one? I’d be willing to pay up to $25 for used, fully intact copy of the book. It doesn’t have to be in perfect condition. All I’m looking for is a book that I can read to my kids at night when I feel like scaring the crap out of them. J

If anyone out there happens to get a lead on this book, please shoot me an email. I’d really love to get my hands on a copy of this book again.

Widower Wednesday: Finances, Prenups, and Wills

The last couple of weeks I've got several emails in regards to prenuptial agreements. Here’s one form a GOW who gave me permission to share it with readers.

Dear Abel

I’m dating a widower who is very well off financially. Since we've become serious his children has expressed concern to their father about what will happen to his estate should he pass on before I do. I understand their concern but at the same time I don’t want to be left with nothing should he die. (I don’t have much.) I’m not marrying him for his money. I’m in my 60's and have lived frugally most of my life and don’t need or want much. However, at the same time I don’t want to find myself turned out of his house with nowhere to live go should he pass on before me. I’m happy to sign a prenuptial agreement if he wants but worry that I’ll sound like I’m greedy if I bring up the subject of his finances and money. What is the best way to handle this situation?

Best,

C.

C.,

If you’re in a serious relationship and the two of you have talked about spending the rest of your lives together, you need to able to talk about things like money, finances, and the with him. The sooner you do it, the better it will be for you, him, and anyone else involved in this situation. When you have some time alone, bring up your concerns and let him know why you’re asking these questions. You’re not being greedy by bringing up the subject. It’s something you need to know now so you can decide what consequences you might face should the two of you get married or move in together.

If you both come to an agreement or understanding, then have the legal paperwork drawn up. Hire an independent attorney review them before you sign anything just to make sure you really understand what you’re getting yourself into. Just understand that as of now it’s his wealth and he’s free to do whatever he wants with it. He can give it all to you, his kids, his favorite charity, or a pet cat. He’s under no obligation right now it to you, his kids, or anyone else.

I think that you’ll find out that this conversation isn't a big of deal to him as you’re making it out to be. Most people don’t have a problem discussing this with someone they want to spend the rest of their life with. Widowers are somewhat more willing to have these conversations since they've already lost someone and understand the consequences of having (or not having) a will or other legal agreements in place should their spouse die. Just don’t wait to do it or have things changed after your married. Life is short. All it takes is a sudden heart attack or car accident to end things. It should be agreed upon and taken care of sooner rather than later.

Have the talk and let me know how it turns out.

Great Parking Karma, Bad Line Karma

According to my seven year old, I have great parking karma.

It’s true.

No matter how full a parking lot or side street, I always seem to find a great parking spot. This parking karma especially comes in handy when I need to travel to downtown Salt Lake where finding a decent parking spot can be difficult or expensive.

Sadly, my awesome parking karma is offset by bad line karma. Say I go to the store and nab the perfect parking spot. I can guarantee when I go to find a checkout line, I’ll get stuck in the line that’s not going anywhere.

For example, the other day at Wal-Mart I got spot as close as you can get to one of the entrances. I quickly picked up the few things that Marathon Girl needed and then headed for one of the express checkout lines. There were three options:

• Line 1 had three people waiting. Two of the three people in line appeared to have carts with more than 15 items.
• Line 2 had one person. The checkout clerk was about half way through his order.
• Line 3 also had three people in it though everyone in that line seemed to be carrying everything they would be buying in their arms.

So which one did I choose? Line 2, of course. It seemed the obvious choice. As I got in line, I had visions of being out the door and to my car in two minutes or less.

Did it happen?

Not by a long shot.

By the time all the man’s groceries had been scanned and I was putting my few items on the counter, I noticed that the man had pulled out a bag of coins and started counting them. Yes, the man was paying his entire $28 bill in coins. A woman pushed her cart in behind me, saw the guy counting out coins, and did a one-eighty back to one of the other express lines.

I looked at the other lines and thought that this line was still the best option.

I was wrong.

The guy was actually pretty fast counting his money but the cashier was a woman in her 60s or 70s. She slowly counted out all of his money—twice.

In the meantime people sailed through the other express lanes. Once thing I failed to notice about Line 1 was that it had a young cashier who seemed to be determined to set some kind of checkout record with every customer.

And me?

I spent the next 5 minutes watching people count coins over and over again.

At least I had a short walk to my car.

Widower Wednesday: Gifts for a Widower

Occasionally someone will send me an email with either an incomplete or no email address to respond to. Today I’ll answer one email that the sender forgot to include a reply email address.

Dear Abel

I am engaged to a widower and was wondering if you had any gift giving recommendations for the first anniversary of his late wife. It's the day after tomorrow. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Y.

I have to admit that I’ve never heard of a GOW or WOW getting a gift for the widower on the anniversary of his late wife’s death. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen but just that I’ve never known a woman dating a widower to do it. I’m curious as to why you feel the need to give him something.

Generally on the first anniversary it’s better if the widower to let the widower take the lead and decide how he wants to spend the day. Hopefully he won’t let this sad anniversary get him down and he’ll realize how much progress he’s made over the last year and that he now has another great woman in his life.  But if you really feel that giving him something will help, find a sympathy card or just send him a quick email or text letting him know you’re thinking about him. But leave it at that. Don’t make a big deal out of a day that tends to focus people on the past and their loss. Instead hope that he has the good sense to focus on the people he has in his life and all the other blessings that he has.

Happy to be a Zero TV Home

When we moved into our new house, MG and I didn't bother calling the cable or satellite TV company. Instead we decided to became what is called a Zero TV home. Yes we still have a TV but anything we watch are online or through inexpensive subscription services like Netflix. (Marathon Girl is streaming a show on Netflix as I write this.)

Apparently this is becoming more and more common:

Some people have had it with TV. They've had enough of the 100-plus channel universe. They don’t like timing their lives around network show schedules. They’re tired of $100-plus monthly bills.

A growing number of them have stopped paying for cable and satellite TV service, and don’t even use an antenna to get free signals over the air. These people are watching shows and movies on the Internet, sometimes via cellphone connections. Last month, the Nielsen Co. started labeling people in this group "Zero TV" households, because they fall outside the traditional definition of a TV home. There are 5 million of these residences in the U.S., up from 2 million in 2007.

Marathon Girl and I have been happy being a Zero TV home and have no plans on going back to regular TV ever again.

Just a few of the positive changes we've noticed since cutting the cord include:

• We spend more time together as a family.
• We spend more time together as a couple.
• I spend more time writing.
• The kids fight less.
• We spend more time outside.
• We watch less TV. A lot less. The few shows we do watch tend to be only those we find worth our time and we watch then when it’s convenient—not when broadcasters want us to.

Here’s a list of negatives: .

For those who haven’t tried it, I highly suggest giving Zero TV a try for a month. I think you’ll notice a positive difference in your life too. More time and freedom is a wonderful thing.

Widower Wednesday: Wanting to Date Again

Another question from a widower this week. Next week I’ll go back to addressing questions from GOWs and WOWs.

Dear Abel,

I lost my wife three months ago after a tragic accident. This may sound crazy to most people but I feel like dating again. Is it normal for men to feel this way so soon after the death of a spouse? What pointers would you give someone in my situation who decided to start dating again?

Thanks,

T.

T.,

You’ve asked some great questions. First, no there’s nothing wrong with feeling the need to date so soon after the death of your wife. Though how soon widowers have this feeling varies from person to person, wanting to date again is natural and normal. So don’t feel bad or guilty about wanting to take that step.

As for dating again, I generally suggest taking things slow when widowers first start dating again. Most widowers need to learn how to get their dating legs back before they get serious. Date several different people with no other intention other than to learn how to do it again. After a date or two, take some time to think about if this is a step you’re ready to take or need to wait awhile before trying it again.

Keep in mind that problems generally occur is when widowers get attached to the first or second person they date. It’s natural to feel the need for companionship but getting serious with someone right off the bat usually leads to problems. That’s why dating casually for awhile can help you sort out your feelings and avoid leading someone into a serious relationship before you’re ready to take that step.

Dating again is a fun adventure. Ease yourself in to it and enjoy starting this new chapter of your life.