Widower Wednesday: Love the Second Time Around

For the next couple weeks I’m answering emails from widowers. Here is today’s question:

Hi Abel,

My wife passed away a little over a year ago. We were married for 17 years. I started dating six month after she died. After dating around for a bit I finally started dating someone exclusively last month. She’s a great woman and I feel fortunate to have such a smart, attractive, and wonderful woman to get to know better.

The problem is that I can’t sort out my feelings about her. I like her, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t know if I’m love with her or just happy to have someone in my life again. I don’t want to be like so many widowers I read about on your blog that string along women just because they want someone—anyone—in their life instead of a serious relationship.

I feel like I have a million feelings I’m trying to sort through and can’t make heads or tails of them. How do widowers know when they’re really in love again?

Thanks,

W.

W.,

What a great question! The answer is surprisingly simple: You know you’re really in love again when you have the same feelings for the new woman as you did the late wife. Love is exactly the same the second time around as it was the first time.

This is something I wish I would have known when I was first dating again. Before I met Marathon Girl I got serious with a girl who I’ll call Jennifer. Whenever I was with her there was something in the back of my mind that kept telling me the relationship wasn't the right one for me. Like you, I was dealing with a million different feelings and thought I was feeling that way because of guilt or not having fully grieved the late wife.

Then Marathon Girl came along. With her the relationship never felt wrong. Several times early in our relationship it freaked me out that I had the same feelings I had for the late wife. Then one day it I realized the reason I felt this way was because I loved her just as much and that there’s wasn't anything wrong or weird about having those feelings.

Whether or not you have these feelings for the woman you’re currently dating is only something you know. And maybe it might take a little more dating before you know for sure. But hopefully this will help you sort them out and know whether or not you want to continue the relationship.

Widower Wednesday: Dating and Wedding Rings

For those who missed the announcement, Life with a Widower is now available in paperback. You can order it from Amazon here. If you’d like a signed copy, you can get one here. For those who have ordered books by Sunday night or shared their story in my book, all copies were mailed Monday morning.

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Sometimes I’ll get emails from widowers who are looking to move on and date again but unsure about the best way to proceed. Over the next couple weeks I’ll address these questions. Today’s questions is from widower who is trying to better understand how women he might date feel about his wearing a wedding ring. Readers, this is your chance to leave a comment and help him out!

Hi Abel,

I’m interested in starting to date causally again. I've read through your posts and understand that most women feel uncomfortable dating a widower if he’s still wearing a wedding ring. My question to you is this: Instead of taking my wedding ring off, what if I wore it on my right hand instead of my left? Would that still make them uncomfortable?

Thanks,

G.

Wearing the wedding ring on your right hand instead of your left is definitely a step in the right direction but odds are its still going to make most women uncomfortable—especially if the ring looks like a wedding band. When most women see a widower wearing a wedding ring (no matter what hand it’s on), they wonder why the widower is dating again and if he’s really ready to move on. Do you really want those thoughts going through your date’s mind?

However, the bigger question is this: If you want to date again (albeit casually), why do you feel the need to wear the ring at all? In a past column I wrote that widowers shouldn’t be wearing one on their hand when they’re out on a date. I understand that taking the ring off can be a difficult step but if it’s something you need to do if you’re serious about taking this step in your life. If you can’t bear to be without it for a couple of hours, why not wear it on a necklace around your neck or put it in your pocket while you’re out—somewhere where you know where it is but your date can’t and won’t see it. I wore mine on a necklace for several months and I don’t think any of the women I dated casually were aware of it. (I took it off once Marathon Girl and I got serious. Read Room for Two if you want the full story.) That might be a good comprise that can make you and your date feel comfortable as you take this step.

Good luck and let me what you do and how it turns out.

Available in Paperback: Life with a Widower

Life with a Widower: Overcoming Unique Challenges and Creating a Fulfilling Relationship is finally available in paperback. You can buy it at Amazon or, if you want a signed copy, order it from my store.

I apologize for the delay in getting the paperback version out. There was a technical delay with Amazon getting the book listed. That problem has, fortunately, been resolved.

If you haven't had a chance, you can read Chapter 1 of Life with a Widower here.

Links to all hard copy and eBook versions can be found below. More eBook versions will be available in the coming weeks.

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About Life with a Widower

If you’re dating or married to a widower, you've encountered relationship issues that other couples just don’t have to deal with. Whether it’s the comments on his late wife’s Facebook page or the tattoo commemorating the love of his life, there are some situations that are unique to widower relationships.

That’s where Life with a Widower comes in. Drawing on over a decade of experience helping women in relationships with widowers, I tackle the most common, day-to-day widower relationship challenges so you can gracefully navigate and overcome them. A few of the topics include:

  • The best way to handle events held in the late wife’s memory
  • How to keep the late wife out of the bedroom
  • Tips and tricks to improve communication with your widower
  • How to forgive a widower who’s hurt you and decide whether you should give him a second chance

The book also includes over a dozen stories from women who have experienced similar challenges and tells how they overcame seemingly impossible situations.

Whether you’re married to a widower, dating one, or in a long-term relationship, Life with a Widower will help you think through these challenges to develop a successful, fulfilling relationship.

Worth Reading and Watching I

Some online stories and videos that are worth reading and watching. Why one professional cyclist refused to quit a race, even when most of his fellow cyclists dropped out.

A tragedy that hits close to home: A Manhattan mother jumped eight stories to her death with her infant son strapped to her chest. Miraculously the baby not only lived but his only injuries were a few scrapes and bruises.

This short 30 second clip shows that digital isn't a good replacement for all paper--at least not yet.

Sometimes teenagers can be really stupid. I say this as someone who may have done equally stupid things. Thankfully, smartphones weren't around to record any of it.

Several writers are trying their hand at writing stories about Mormon missionaries. So far they've failed to find an audience. The reason? Apparently they don't feel authentic. (And, might I add, you can only tell the same story so many times.)

The future of typing: Smartphones are reinventing—and ditching—the keyboard. (Link may expire.)

A man who dressed as a superhero to fight petty crime has hung up his outfit after he was beaten up. Below you'll find an interview he did with a UK TV station.

Widower Wednesday: Medicating Grief

Book Update: For those who missed the announcement, Life with a Widower is available in Kindle, Nook, and Kobo ebook formats. A paperback version will be available next week.

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Back in December the American Psychiatric Association unveiled a proposed new version of its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. For those who don’t know, this thick tome is the bible of psychiatric diagnoses. Proposed changes to this latest version are always controversial and the latest is no different. An article in Wired sums the biggest controversy as it relates to grief and depression.

The change, contained in new revisions to the DSM-5, a set of standards used to categorize mental illness, eliminates the so-called bereavement exclusion, which exempts grieving people from diagnoses of depression for two months unless their symptoms are self-destructively extreme. Under the new standards, depression can be more easily diagnosed just two weeks after a death.

“Virtually everyone who is grieving has milder symptoms of depression. What the bereavement exclusion did is separate the normal responses from the severe ones,” such as feelings of worthlessness or suicidal impulses, said psychiatrist Jerome Wakefield of New York University, who studies bereavement and depression.

“This goes over a line. If you can pathologize this kind of feeling, any kind of suffering can be a disorder. It’s a disagreement over the boundaries of normality,” Wakefield said. “What kind of world do you want to have? One where intense, negative feelings we don’t like are labeled as disorders, or a world where people grieve?”

Defenders of the bereavement exclusion’s removal, officially announced Dec. 1 by the American Psychiatric Association, say worries of pathologized grief are overblown. They argue that though not all grieving is depressive, grief-related depression isn’t fundamentally different from what’s considered normal depression. As a result, they say the exclusion makes it unnecessarily difficult for clinicians to deal with bereaved people who legitimately need help.

“I think a good clinician can separate the two,” said Jan Fawcett, a University of New Mexico psychiatrist and head of the DSM-5 working group that authored the change, of normal grief and clinical depression. “We feel that clinicians have been making this judgment all along.”

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In response to the criticisms, the DSM-5?s authors added a footnote instructing clinicians to take recent loss into account when evaluating mild depressive symptoms. To the critics, a footnote doesn’t provide the recognition of grief’s normality contained in the bereavement exclusion.

Many psychiatrists do, however, support the decision. They say distinguishing between grief-related depression and regular depression is illogical. “Defenders of the removal of the exclusion ask, ‘Why should people be denied the diagnosis if their stressor happens to be bereavement, whereas other sufferers whose stressor is job loss, for example, are not?’” said psychiatrist Richard McNally of Harvard University.

You can read the full article at Wired. There’s also a good article on this proposed change in the New York Times here.

Considering how closely symptoms of grief and depression overlap, I don’t think this change is a good thing. Most people who go and see a doctor about depression know usually see their primary care physician or (in some cases) nurse practitioners—not a psychiatrist. In the rushed atmosphere of doctor’s offices, I have a hard time seeing doctors or nurse practitioners being able to determine two weeks out whether or not the person could benefit from medication or will recover just fine on their own. Had this rule been in affect when I lost my late wife, odds are I and many of my friends and family would have been a prime candidate for antidepressants and would have been for at least six to eight months after her death.

For most people there’s something helpful about going through the emotional roller coaster when you lose a loved one. For example, had I not hit the bottom emotionally, I don’t know if there would have been enough motivation to turn my life around as fast as I did. Most people recover and lead normal, happy lives after the death of someone they love and I have a hard time seeing how medicating an otherwise healthy person during this time would help them move on faster. While some people could benefit from antidepressants during this time, it seems to be that they would either be ones who have depression or might be predisposed to become clinically depressed.

As for those who are dating widowers, my concern is that being with someone who may not be adequate dealing with their grief because of medication might be in for a rude awaking once the widowers prescription comes to an end. But as I wrote this I realize that no one has ever mentioned whether or not their widower has taken antidepressants for grief or something else. I’m curious as to how that affected their relationship (if at all). Leave your comments on your experiences or thoughts regarding this proposed change in the comments below.

How I Know It’s Spring

In our neighborhood spring doesn't start when the lawns turn green or the birds build nests in the trees. Rather, spring starts once all the neighborhood kids start playing outside with each other.

During the cold Utah winters, kids tend to hole up inside. Sure, they still play with each other but it’s not in the same large groups that you see when the weather is warm. They play in groups of two or three, building Lego spaceships, playing with dolls, or honing their video game skills. But when the weather warms up, something changes. They flood outside eager to retake the neighborhood from the snow and cold.

The groups grow from two or three in size to five or more. There’s the notorious Gang of Curls—an assortment of 5- and 6-year old girls—who roam the neighborhood wearing princess dresses. The go from home to home, playing with dolls and other toys. Once the fun is done they move on to another home, leaving toys and teddy bears strewn all over the floor in their wake.

Then there’s the Spy Gang. At least I think that’s what they’re called. All know is that the large group of 7- to 9-year-old boys who take their toy spy equipment from their rooms, meet outside in the middle of the neighborhood, and disappear. Sometimes they spy on the Gang of Curls. Other times I catch a glimpse of them—or at least I think I do-- peaking at me as I sit on the porch and write. Other times they try to blend into the neighborhood scenery by playing basketball in the neighbor’s driveway. They’re a sneaky bunch.

Finally, there’s a collection of kids 4 and under who come out only under the supervision of at least one parent. They don’t tend to socialize in groups for very long. Usually they’re on their own learning to ride bikes or playing with toys on the sidewalk. You need to keep a close eye on these ones because they don’t have a problem wandering off on their own.

All these groups have been pretty much dormant since the first snow blanketed the ground at near the end of November. But all of that changed last night.

I pulled into the neighborhood and saw around 15 kids playing in the various homes on our end of the street. The Spy Gang was kicking a soccer ball, while the Gang of Curls rode bikes around the cul-de-sac. The younger kids wandered around playing with toys but mostly just enjoying the sun. Parents congregated in small groups, catching up with each other after spending the last four months indoors.

Instead of going inside like usual, it was nice to get out and socialize and watch the kids play. It was nice to feel the sun on my face and not feel like I had to wear a coat. It was nice to talk with neighbors and watch the kids run around.

Yeah, spring has finally arrived.

Life with a Widower Now Available

Good news! Life with a Widower: Overcoming Unique Challenges and Creating a Fulfilling Relationship is now available in the following eBook formats:

A paperback version and other eBook formats will be released next couple of weeks. You can read Chapter 1 of Life with a Widower here.

About Life with a Widower

If you're dating or married to a widower, you've encountered relationship issues that other couples just don’t have to deal with. Whether it’s the comments on his late wife’s Facebook page or the tattoo commemorating the love of his life, there are some situations that are unique to widower relationships.

That’s where Life with a Widower comes in. Drawing on over a decade of experience helping women in relationships with widowers, I tackle the most common, day-to-day widower relationship challenges so you can gracefully navigate and overcome them. A few of the topics include:

  • The best way to handle events held in the late wife’s memory
  • How to keep the late wife out of the bedroom
  • Tips and tricks to improve communication with your widower
  • How to forgive a widower who’s hurt you and decide whether you should give him a second chance

The book also includes over a dozen stories from women who have experienced similar challenges and tells how they overcame seemingly impossible situations.

Whether you’re married to a widower, dating one, or in a long-term relationship, Life with a Widower will help you think through these challenges to develop a successful, fulfilling relationship.