Lawsuits, Forgiveness, and Moving On

Book update: I’m still sifting through the stories that were sent in. If you haven’t heard from me, don’t panic. I hope to have this all done after the Thanksgiving holiday. Thanks for your patience.

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A week or so after Krista died I got a call from an attorney. The attorney wanted to know if Krista had taken any antidepressants or other medication before she killed herself.  I asked the attorney why she wanted to know that information and she started babbling on about how anti-depressants were linked to an increase in suicide and that she was represented people who were suing drug companies for damages.

I can’t remember what I said to her but I do remember hanging up the phone feeling upset that someone was trying to use Krista’s death for their own benefit.

About six months after Krista’s death I received a call from a friend informing me that the mental health councilor Krista had been seeing before she died has passed away from a drug overdose. Apparently he had a drug problem for years and finally succumbed to his addiction. After I got off the phone with my friend, I started wondering if the councilor’s addiction might have got in the way of helping Krista. Had he been under the influence during some of the counseling sessions? Had his addiction affected his judgment with Krista? Would she be alive if she had seen someone else? Questions flowed through my mind. And for the first time in my life, I thought about suing someone.

I did a free consultation with an attorney (who wanted to take the case) and a few others about moving forward with a lawsuit but eventually decided that it wasn't worth it. There were lots of reasons I decided not to move forward with it but the biggest reason was that I had finally reached a point in my life where I felt things were moving forward. I had just started dating again and I was able to go through most days without bursting into tears at some point. I knew that going down the lawsuit road would halt a lot of the progress I was making. For me, moving forward with my life was more important than assigning blame.

I tell this story because I’ll occasionally get an email from someone who’s dating a widower that’s suing someone over the death of his late wife. Sometimes it’s a hospital and doctors, or a drunk driver, or a cigarette manufacturer or drug company. Whoever they’re suing, the one commonality I see in all these emails is that the litigation makes it hard for the widower to start a new life. Instead they generally become focuses and/or obsessed with the legal case that it makes it difficult for them to move on and open their heart to someone else.

I’m not saying that all lawsuits are bad. There are times when I think lawsuits are justified and other times I roll my eyes that such a frivolous case even made it to court. Nor am I saying you shouldn't date widowers who are suing someone over the death of his late wife. All I’m asking is that you be aware of potential drawbacks when it comes to making you the center of his universe. Lawsuits have a funny way of consuming someone’s life until the matter is settled. And knowing how slowly things move through the US legal system, it could be years before the matter is resolved.

I have no regrets about not pursuing a lawsuit. Had I started legal proceedings, I doubt that my life would be where it is today had I followed that path. In my case it was better to forgive, forget, and start over.

Wearing Shorts in the Winter: A Utah Thing?

I took the above photograph at a college football game I attended with my kids on Saturday. Please note that the person wearing a hoodie near the bottom is also wearing shorts.

While some people may be surprised at seeing someone wearing shorts in such conditions, it’s not an uncommon site in Utah. In fact I counted three people at the game who were dressed in a similar fashion.

Wearing shorts in the winter was something that became popular back when I was high school. (I never did it simply because my mom would have killed me for dressing like that in the winter.) Based on the way I see teenagers dressed when out in public, apparently is still is. If it was just the kid in the photograph, I would have chalked it up to being young and fashionable. But the other two people I saw had to be in their late twenties or early thirties. And when I posted the picture on Twitter, another Utahan mentioned that she saw someone wearing flip-flops during the storm.

While I can kind of see being able to justify wearing shorts in the winter when one is going to spend their the day in school or some other warm place indoors, wearing them to a football game when there’s a foot of snow on the ground, temperatures are near freezing, and it snowed during half the game is very perplexing.

On the way home from the game I started wondering whether or not wearing shorts in freezing weather is a Utah thing or part of a larger trend I don’t know about. When I lived in Wyoming for two years immediately after high school, I don’t recall seeing anyone wearing shorts in the winter whether at college or anywhere else in public. So, readers, I want to hear from you. Do they do this North Dakota or Canada when there’s a blizzard outside? What about New Hampshire? Is Utah the only place where this is cool? Let me know in the comments below.

 

My Kids: Hardcore Football Fans

For the last couple years I’ve bought a family pass to Utah’s forgotten college football team. It’s turned into something that the oldest four kids really look forward to. And even though I spend more time keeping up with the kids than watching the action on the field, it’s something I look forward too as well.

This season has been an ignominious one for Weber State. They’ve only won one game and are struggling on offence, defense, and special teams.  Today was the team’s last home game. If anything it was a garbage game as both Weber State and Northern Colorado had nothing to play for but pride. To make things worse, Mother Nature dumped 12 inches of snow in the last 24 hours and the forecast called for temperatures to be below freezing. Because of the freezing weather, I decided to give the kids a choice: we could go to the football game or we could go to the game or a nearby entertainment center and play laser tag and (indoor) miniature golf.

Much to my surprise the all four kids voted for the football game. There wasn’t any hesitation to their decision either. They all wanted to spend the afternoon at the game no matter what the weather. So I dressed the kids as warm as I could and packed blankets and other warm things into the van and off we went.

Even though we only made it until half time (it got too cold for the younger ones), everyone had a good time playing in the snow, drinking hot chocolate, and huddling under blankets for warmth. Yes, Weber State put in another lackluster performance, but that’s not what mattered. What was important that the kids had a fun-filled afternoon with Dad and we all made lots of memories together. In that respect the cold, the snow, and watching Weber State lose was worth it.

Can’t wait to do it all again next year.

Widower Wednesday: Making New Dreams

Just wanted to thank everyone again who submitted stories for my book. I’m going through them this week and will start updating people on which ones will appear in the book in the next couple of weeks. Stay tuned for more information about the book.

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In a recent column in the Wall Street Journal, Katy McLaughlin wrote about how the death of her 41-year-old cousin caused her to think about the things she wanted to do with her life but for various reasons hadn’t done them. After re-evaluating them she realized that she and her husband “lacked real enthusiasm for the things we’d spent so many years wanting. Our old dreams, it seemed, didn’t fit us anymore.”

McLaughlin ends her essay with the following:

When I was a young feminist, I would have been appalled by the notion of erasing my own passions and subsuming them into a husband and kids. But I knew just how Alejandro felt. From the day our eldest was born, I lost the ambitious spirit that once propelled me on artistic exploits around the globe. My world became our home, our future and every hair on our child's head.

"Well, what are those dreams for the kids?" I said. We came up with a list. Alejandro wanted to take Danny, our 4-year-old, to Uruguay in the spring, to improve his Spanish. I wanted to take a week off to be a stay-at-home mom with the boys this summer. We both wanted to spend this Thanksgiving in New York City, seeing friends and relatives and showing the boys their birthplace. We also talked about spending more time at the beach at home in Los Angeles and riding bikes more often with the kids.

Before my aunt's note, our penny-pinching, nose-to-the-grindstone habits might have meant we let those items linger on a wish list. But this time, we cashed in frequent-flier miles for Uruguay, filed vacation time for a week off and bought tickets to New York for Thanksgiving. I can easily say that week in August, taking the boys swimming at the YMCA and spending lazy afternoons in a frozen-yogurt parlor near our house, was one of the best vacations of my life. When we bought those tickets to New York, I felt glad for our years not indulging more exotic desires, because that's why we had the money to do what we'd discovered was really important to us.

Living your dreams, we've realized, is a state of mind. It's about knowing that where you are at any given moment is exactly where you want to be. Today, when we pedal around the neighborhood with the kids following like little goslings, or watch them spend hours digging hermit crabs out of the sand, I remind myself that all this is the greatest adventure of my life.

Read her entire essay here.

Today I ask widowers, GOWs and WOWs to take that advice to heart. Whether it’s the many curve balls that life throws at us or attitudes, feelings, and desires that change and mature with time, learn to adjust our dreams and wants accordingly. More importantly, learn to count the blessings you have today and happy with where you are right now. If you’re not where you want to be, figure out where you want to go and make the changes in your life to get there.

Life is short and you only get one shot to make it worthwhile. Don’t waste it pursuing dreams that won’t make your life worth living.

Thanks for all the Submissions

Mega THANK YOUS to everyone who submitted stories for my upcoming (and final) widower relationship guide. I ended up with way more stories than I expected. Give me a week or two to sort through and figure out which ones will work best in the book. Hope to have this all over to my editor by the end of the month and the book available soon after. Look for more details in the weeks ahead and thanks again for all the stories!

My 2012 Election Prediction

I prefer to make election predictions the day before Election Day as both sides tend to throw in last minute shenanigans to upset the other party's apple cart. However, since I'll be nowhere near a voting booth on Tuesday and will have limited access to the Internet for the next week, I'm making it today. (And, yes, I already voted.) As per the map below I've got Romney squeaking into the Oval Office with 277 electoral votes to Obama's 262. I also predict Romney getting just above 50.1% of the vote to Obama's 49.4% with the remaining 0.5% going to wacko, third party candidates.

Also, this post isn't intended to make a political statement. Just throwing out my guess. I did guess the winner in 2008 though I underestimated the extent of Obama's election victory. No matter who wins, I hope the winning side is gracious in their victory and the losing side won't weep, wail and gnash their teeth about the world coming to an end.

Feel free to make your own guesses in the comments below though please refrain from any partisan bickering. This is all about guessing the winner not beating up the other side.

Election 2012 Prediction

Widower Stories Due Today!

This is the final call for stories from women who are or have been in a relationship with a widower for my final widower relationship book. I need any submissions by midnight tonight. If you haven’t sent yours in yet, you can email them to me here. If you need guidelines on what I’m looking for, you can find them here.

Thanks for your help with this important project.

Widower Wednesday: Secret Relationships

REMINDER: If you want to contribute a personal story to my final widower relationship guide, you have until midnight tomorrow to get it to me. Click for full details of what I’m looking for.

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Sometimes I’ll get emails from women who are in secret relationships with their widowers. These aren't the kind of relationships where only the widower wants to keep things quiet. Rather, both parties decide it’s best to keep things under wraps. The most common reasons for hiding their from the world are: 1) concerned that others might think it’s too soon for the widower to be dating again, 2) worried what his/her kids will think or how his/her kids will react to the relation, 3) think that that others might they the two of them were carrying on an affair before the late wife passed on. There are other reasons too but those seem to be the most common ones.

Whatever the reason for keeping their love a secret, my advice is always the same: Don’t do it.

His family, friends, and kids aren't stupid. Your family, friends and kids aren't stupid. Odds are your “secret” relationship is obvious to everyone. By hiding it, you’re making it hard for people to trust either one of you. In addition to fostering distrust among friends and family, you’re also giving them a lot to speculate and gossip about the reason that you’re both keeping the relationship under wraps.

Unless you've got minor children at home, it’s no one’s business who you’re dating. But that doesn't mean you should act like you’re just “friends” at parties, church, or anywhere else the two of you go when there’s a lot more going on. If someone asks if you’re a couple, say “Yes!” Don’t let the thoughts or feelings of others dictate your relationship. You’re both adults. Please act like one instead of goofy high school kids or a pair of star-crossed lovers.

For those who do have minor children living at home, once things become serious with someone else, please work on a plan tell your kids what’s going on. You’re forthrightness and honesty with them is going to go a lot farther than lying to them about your love life. Unless they’re really, really young, they probably know what’s going on anyway. If you decide it’s best to keep your minor children in the dark for any reason, then you probably shouldn't be dating in the first place.

So act like a grownup. Don’t be ashamed of your new found love or feelings for another person. And remember, if a relationship has to be a secret, you probably shouldn't be in it.

Widower Stories Due Thursday

Just wanted to remind everyone that if you’re planning on submitting a story to my final widower relationship book, I need it no later than Thursday, November 1. I've re-posted what I’m looking for below. Email me with any questions. Thanks!

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I’m in the midst of writing my final widower relationship guide. Tentatively titled Life with a Widower, the book will focus on the most common problems and issues not covered in my first two books. I’m hoping to have the book available before the end of the year.

And this is where I need your help.

My other two relationship books, Dating a Widower and Marrying a Widower have included wonderful stories from women who were dating or married to a widower. These stories have added insight to the chapter and helped countless others who are in a relationship with a widower. For this book I need stories from those who are or have been in a relationship with a widower. It doesn't matter if you just dated a widower once or have been happily married to one for 30 years, if you have a story to share, send it in.

I’m looking for stories that can address the following situations:

  • How did the late wife’s Facebook page or other online memorials affect your relationship?
  • What happened when you gave your widower a second chance at the relationship?
  • How did get the strength and courage to end the relationship with a widower even though you were still in love with him?
  • If the widower told you about his sex life with the late wife, how did this impact your relationship?
  • How did memorial tattoos interfere with or enhance your relationship?
  • What are some ways you learned to better communicate with a widower?
  • How did you forgive a widower that dumped you, used you, or otherwise hurt you?
  • What did you widower do when friends and family kept trying to memorialize the late wife?
  • How did a long distance relationship with a widower work out?
  • Does your widower participate in annual events (like 5k runs) for the late wife or work in behalf of charities, foundations, or scholarships for the late wife? If yes, has that hindered or helped your relationship?

I’m looking for success stories as well as ones where things didn’t work out. Basically if you have a story that you think can help other girlfriends of widowers and wives of widowers with their current relationship I want to hear from you!

Please keep submissions between 250-750 words. You can submit more than one story but please send them in different emails. (This way I can organize them for quick reference.) Stories are due no later than Thursday, November 1, 2012. You can submit them by sending an email to writer@abelkeogh.com.

If your story is selected, you’ll receive a free copy of the new book as soon as it’s published. To protect your privacy, you can publish your story under a pen name if you wish.

Thanks for your help,

Abel