Dating A Widower

As a former young widower, I receive a lot of email from people who are in a current relationship with a widower. Those who email me are often looking for some insight on the strange behavior these widowers sometimes exhibit and the challenges that come from trying to form a relationship with one. After several years of emails, I’ve noticed several issues that arise over and over again. In the hope that this can help those who are dating widowers (or perhaps considering it), I’ve decided to address the most common issues that arise.

Issue #1 The widower feels guilty about dating again.

The first date I went on as a widower was awful. I felt like I was stepping out on my wife even though she had been dead for five months. My first date and I were eating at a restaurant and every time someone walked by I looked up to see if I knew them. For some reason I was paranoid that I’d be recognized by someone who would tell my (deceased) wife what I was doing behind her back.

Despite the awkwardness of the situation, I pressed forward and continued to date. Though it took four or five dates to get my dating legs back, I soon became accustomed to it and enjoyed it – without any feelings of guilt whatsoever.

If you’re dating a widower that’s not new to dating and he’s still feeling guilty about going out, odds are he’s not ready to date let alone have a serious relationship. For dating to work, it takes the want for an emotional commitment from both parties involved . If he has guilt, odds are his emotions are still with his first spouse.

However, if he relatively new to this whole dating thing then please be patient with him. If he was like me it’s probably been years since he’s gone out with anyone other than his wife. If he’s nervous or not quite sure how to act on a date, please don’t take it personally. It takes a little time (i.e., several dates not several months) to return to the grove of dating. Keep in mind that feelings of guilt or awkward dating moments should fade over time. If they don’t, please read the previous paragraph.

Issue #2 The widower I’m dating is still grieving and/or having a hard time moving on

Have you ever been on a date with someone who was bitter about a former boy/girlfriend and couldn’t stop talking about it? Awful wasn’t it. I had a girlfriend for a time that was bitter about a breakup with her fiancée three years ago. We couldn’t make it though a date without at least once the girl talking about what a horrible person this fiancée was. (Needless to say, the relationship didn’t last long.) I can honestly say those were some of the worst dates I had ever had. Why? Because I felt like the former fiancée was always there with us.

While most of us wouldn’t tolerate that sort of behavior in a regular dating situation, many seem to make an exception when it comes to a widower. Because death is more difficult than a breakup we seem to be more tolerant of those who will blubber about their former wife and how sad he is that she’s gone.

If this behavior that a widower is frequently exhibiting, then you might want to ask yourself why is he even dating. In order for me to date, I had to put away feelings of grief – even if only for a few hours at time. I wasn’t dating to tell the other person to talk about my sorrows. I was dating to have an enjoyable evening away from my troubles.

I have a younger sister who’s a junior year at a university in Idaho. She’s started dating a guy who is head over heels in love with her. He’s asked her to marry him. He’s tried to do everything he can to convince my sister to spend her life with him.

My sister, however, won’t commit. She likes him and enjoys spending time with him. However, as we were talking over her Christmas break she said, "I don’t want to get married yet. There are things I want to do first. I don’t want to give up those dreams and goals for him."

Note the words for him. She didn’t say she wouldn’t give up those dreams and goals, if the right person came along. She didn’t say she didn’t want to get married. What she did say, however, was that she didn’t want to do it for him.

Unfortunately, last I heard, this guy still doesn’t get it. He still visits my sister as often as possible (he lives in Oregon). He calls her regularly and does other things thinking sooner or later my sister will changer her mind and spend the rest of her life with him.

Well, I have news for him: It’s not going to happen.

At some point my sister will probably find someone she loves enough to marry and put the necessary effort to make a long lasting relationship work. But it’s not going to be this guy. If this guy was smart he’d realize the relationship wasn't going anywhere and start looking for someone else who could love him as much as he wants to be loved.

It’s easier said than done. It’s difficult to let go of someone you love and move on. And it doesn’t matter if that person is alive or dead. When you love someone and give your heart to that person, it’s hard to give it to another.

But it is possible.

Starting over is part of life. Sometimes we move and have to start new lives in a new city, a new home. We lose one job and work hard to find another. Sometimes we lose friends and lovers and have to make new ones. And sooner or later, people we love will pass on. At some point we’ll lose a brother or sister, a mother or father, a friend, a child, a husband or wife. Our lives may not be the same without that special person, but there’s not reason why they can’t be filled with joy. And there’s no reason why we can’t find others to share our love with.

Once one takes the difficult steps of letting go of a deceased spouse, there’s a unique joy in discovering an equally happy relationship with someone else. And when you form that bond with another, you’ll appreciate that person and relationship more than you ever thought possible.

And if you find yourself in a stagnate relationship with a widower (or anyone else) who’s not willing to keep the relationship moving forward, my suggestion is to start looking elsewhere. That’s not to say you give up entirely on that person. Let them know the door is always open in case at some later date they’re ready to move on. Maybe at some point that person will be ready to open is heart to you. But if he’s not willing to do it now, odds are he won’t be willing to do it later.

Issue #3 I want to help the widower I’m dating move on

Let’s go back to the girl I dated who couldn’t shut up about her former fiancée. Though I tried to be a good boyfriend and have fun with her, I couldn’t do anything to help her move past the bitterness she felt toward her former fiancée. This was something that she had to do and apparently after three years and a string of boyfriends she was still having difficulty realizing their relationship was finished. It didn’t matter how much fun we had or how great of a boyfriend I was, forgetting about her heartache was something she needed to do. I couldn’t do it for her.

When I started dating Marathon Girl seriously, I had to be emotionally and mentally ready to put feelings of my first wife aside and start making room in my heart for Marathon Girl. Moving on was something I did because I wanted to get to know her better. It wasn’t something Marathon Girl could do for me.

Moving on is something the widower wants to do. It can’t be forced on him or done because it’s something you want to happen. You can be a reason to move on but the desire and actual process of moving on has to come from the widower. He’s the one that has to make room in his heart for you. He’s the one that needs to put the effort into making you feel like the number one woman in his life. If he’s not doing it, then it’s not because he can’t, it’s because he is unwilling or unready to do so.

Issue #4 The widower’ family and/or friends are upset that he’s in a serious relationship

When I first brought a girl (no it wasn’t Marathon Girl) home to “meet the family” about eights months after my first wife died, it didn’t go well. My family was polite to her but I could tell they were upset. My family really loved my first wife and it was difficult for them to accept the fact that I was with someone else when a lot of them still were coming to terms with her suicide.

So if you receive a cold shoulder from friends and family of a widower, please don’t take it personally. Part of the reason they may lash out at you is because they think you’re out to replace their daughter/sister/friend. Some of them may still be grieving. Others may have a hard time seeing the widower with someone else.

Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about the reactions of others. My advice is this: Be patient and kind to his friends and family. It may take them awhile to open their hearts to you. But in time they will see that you have made their son/brother/friend very happy and will come to love you just as much as they loved her. Not everyone may come to see it that way but there’s nothing you can do about that. Those who come to accept you as the new woman in his life will

There is one thing the widower should do, however. At some point (sooner rather than later) the widower should stand up to his family and friends and explain to them that his relationship with you isn’t a rejection of his first wife or the love he had for her. If the widower is not willing to do this, I’d reconsider the entire relationship. If the widower is not willing to be a man and defend you now, what makes you think he’s going to do it later?

Please note Issue #4 does not apply to a widower’s children who are under 18 and still living at home.

Issue #5 What’s the best way to handle special dates such as the first wife’s birthday, their anniversary, or the anniversary of her death?

Personally, I don’t do anything to celebrate my first wife birthday, our anniversary, or date of her death. There are some friends and family members who do. But since my first wife is no longer part of my life, I don’t do anything special on those days. Maybe things would be different if I wasn’t married. But right now that’s the way I’ve chosen to live my life.

I really can’t say what’s the best way to handle it. If the widower is set on commemorating a birthday or other special day year after year, there’s not much you can do except go along for the ride. But remember you have to live with it year after year. If it’s something you can’t live with then end the relationship before it’s too late.

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* Life with a Widower
* Dating a Widower
* The Grief Industry
* Suicide Survivor
* A Letter to Elizabeth
* Sex and Intimacy with Widowers
* The Widowerhood Excuse
* How to Talk to a Widower
* Red Flags to Watch for When Dating A Widower