Widower Wednesday: Alone for the Holidays

A recent widower writes the following:

Abel,

I lost my wife of 23 years this September to an extended illness. My wife always made the holiday season so special and I’m not looking forward to the holidays without her. Yes, I’ll have children (16, 19, and 21) friends and family to visit and spend time with so I won’t be alone. However, I just don’t know if I can make it through this time without having a complete breakdown or ruining the holidays for others. Do you have any suggestions of things I can do to take some of the sting off this holiday season? What did you do make it through the holidays after your wife died?

Thanks,

Tom*

Tom,

First, sorry to hear about your wife. It seems like the first time through the holidays is always the hardest. But even though your late wife won’t be there to share the holidays with you, that doesn’t mean this time of year has to feel empty or pointless.

The best thing you can do is to stop thinking about your loss and focus your thoughts and energy on others this holiday season. There are lots of ways to do it, but here are some ideas to get you thinking: Work with a local church or charity and see if you can buy some presents for a needy family. If you’re feeling adventurous, dress up as Santa Claus and deliver the presents in person (or get a friend to do it). Maybe you can volunteer your time with a soup kitchen or visit a nursing home and spend some time with those who may not have any family during this season either. Invite your neighbors to a party or dinner. Help a neighbor string Christmas lights. Shovel a neighbor’s walk.  Think of ways to help your talents and abilities to help others. For your kids or other family members, take them out to a fun holiday movie. Drive around and see some Christmas lights or take a special family vacation to get away from things. There’s countless things you can do but you have to start thinking of ways to help other people need instead of what (or who) is missing from your life.

Thinking about others and giving of yourself isn’t cure all for your loss this time of year. There will be times you’ll miss your wife and all the things she did to make this season special and you might just need to take a few minutes have yourself a good cry. But you can remove a big part of the sting by cheering others up and helping those who may also are experiencing a difficult times this holiday season. Yes, the holidays won’t be the same without your late wife but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy them. Just think of things you can do for others and you’ll find that the holiday season won’t as gloomy or sad as you think they might be.

*Name changed

How I Write (or a NaNoWriMo 2011 Summary)

Just realized that I never gave an final update my NaNoWriMo progress. Here it is:

For the second year I realized that the way I write isn't conducive to putting out as much words as possible in 30 days. When I write a novel, I usually do so with a pretty thorough outline. Even with that, however, I still find that characters and minor plot details evolve as I write. And as the change, I find myself going back to rewrite details earlier in the book so they match up with changes made halfway through.

For example, say I write 1,000 words a day for a week giving me a grand total of 7,000 words at the end of the week. But as I finished up Day 7 of writing, I realize that a character needs to evolve or change to make him or her more interesting or real. As a result, I may spend several days re-reading everything written to date and rewriting 1,000 words a day. So after nine days my "official" word count still remains in the neighborhood of 7,000 words even though I've probably written somewhere in the neighborhood of 10,000 words. So when trying to write as many words as possible in a certain amount of time, I find myself going back and rewriting stuff before I move forward and create new content.

Anyway, I finished NaNoWriMo with 20,135 "new" words though if you count all the rewriting I did during this time, the actual count is probably three times that number or enough to make me a NaNoWriMo winner--but not in any official sense. On the flip side, the 20,135 words I did write are pretty polished. Just another rewrite should get them up to publishable quality. Now I just have to work at writing the other 80,000 or so words of content. It's something I can do over the next several months--it's just going to take an awful lot of rewriting to get there. :-)

Adam Carolla on Occupy Wall Street

A recent (and much needed) Adam Carolla rant (below) on the Occupy Wall Street crowd reminds of me of the following untitled Hart Crane poem: A man said to the universe: "Sir I exist!" "However," replied the universe, "The fact has not created in me A sense of obligation."

Enjoy the rant. (Warning: Contains graphic language. Probably not safe for work.)

Widower Wednesday: Giving Gifts

From the inbox comes the following holiday-related question:

My widower and I have been dating for about 9 months. This will be our first holiday season together. Part of our holiday plans include meeting the late wife’s family for the first time and spending several hours with them. While I’m okay with that, my boyfriend has suggested that I get them a small gift as that might help ease any tension or anxiety they or I might be feeling. (He’s already bought them something.) I feel weird about doing this because I don’t know these people. Do you think giving them a gift is a good idea?

Your boyfriend’s heart is in the right place but I think it should come from either your boyfriend or from both of you—not just you. Meeting the LW’s family can be an awkward experience by itself and I don’t see the point of adding any more pressure to it. Since he’s already bought them something, see how he feels about attaching your name to the gift too. Besides, if you consider your relationship to be serious most gifts (unless very personal and has special meaning to the reception) should be coming from both of you anyway. Good luck and I hope meeting the late wife’s family is an enjoyable experience.

Thanksgiving Football Rules

If you're like me and play football on Thanksgiving morning with family and neighbors, The Wall Street Journal Sports Writer Jason Gay has 32 rules you need to know before playing.

1. If you have a healthy relationship with your family and speak to them all the time, you're playing touch. If you see your family only once a year, it's tackle.

2. Find a nice patch of grass. It doesn't have to be big. You don't need a regulation 100 yards. Half the people in your family, if they ran 100 yards, they'd wind up in the hospital for a month.

3. The game must be played before dinner. Nobody wants to play football after Thanksgiving. Nobody wants to wear pants after Thanksgiving.

4. All family on the field! Everyone plays. Mom, Dad, Grandpa, Grandma, Cousin Jake, and Regis the one-eyed Jack Russell terrier. Don't laugh. Regis is the best receiver you've got.

***

24. Three-minute halftime. Don't kill the momentum. Anything longer, and aging muscles seize up. Remember: if Daddy sits, Daddy is d-o-n-e.

25. If you're playing on a city street, please don't dent the blue Honda, or I will find you.

26. If you're a random guest at Thanksgiving, it's your job to be good at touch football. Lie and say you "played a little" at Alabama and pray you don't completely embarrass yourself.

27. If you find yourself surrounded by middle-aged men in blue jeans and a quarterback who keeps getting picked off, you're not with your family. You've accidentally walked into a Brett Favre Wrangler spot.

Read the entire article.

Have a wonderful and safe Thanksgiving!

Widower Wednesday: Holiday Decorations

Here’s the first of my widower-related holiday issues. If you have a holiday subject you’d like me to address, drop me an email.

***

Dear Abel,

I took a leap of faith and married a widower with three teenage girls back in April. So far things have been great with only a handful of minor speed bumps along the way. With the holidays coming up, we’re hitting our first major problem: The children want to decorate the tree and house using the late wife’s decorations. While I’m not opposed to using some of her decorations, I’d like the holidays and the home to feel like we’re starting a new chapter in our lives and would like to put up some new decorations too. I talked to the widower about this and he says decorating the house was “her thing” and has left me to sort it out. I’ve talked to the daughters about it and I get the impression that they don’t want to change anything when it comes to decorating the house. I’m afraid that have only her decorations up for the holidays a living hell for me. Do you have any suggestions on how to make the holiday decorations in our home one that we all can enjoy?

Best,

Emily*

Dear Emily,

I think you’re doing the right thing by wanting to mix some new decoration with the old. It seems like that’s a reasonable solution that will help everyone make your home a place where everyone can feel comfortable.

However, your husband is going to have to get a little more involved this year than normal. The holiday decorations may have been “her thing” in the past but he’s not married to her any more. Even if he wants to turn it over from you, his daughters will probably have an easier time with mixing things up a bit if he sits them down and lets them know that in addition to some of the traditional ornaments and lights, they’re going to add some new ones as well.

So here’s my two suggestions: 1) Sit the widower down and tell him that you need his help in order to make this holidays a smooth one. Emphasize how much you love him and the new family and want to make this a special time for everyone but this year he has to let the kids know that there will some new decorations thrown into the mix. In order to make this happen, he’s going to have to be a parent and lovingly talk to his kids about this subject.

2) Involve his daughters. This means letting them pick some ornaments or other decorations that they want up. While they do this make a rough list of new decorations to buy then all of you spend an afternoon shopping. Throw in lunch and a movie if that helps. Don’t make it about you but about all four of you having a good time and finding things to add holiday cheer to the house. It will give you guys a chance to bond and let the girls feel like they have a say in what kind of decorations are going up in the house.

Remember everyone is starting a new chapter this holiday season—not just you. The best way to keep everyone in the holiday spirit is to get everyone involved.

*Name changed.

Two Cheers for Awesome Customer Service

Having worked as a customer service rep during my college years, I know how frustrating it can sometimes be to get a problem or issue resolved with a company—especially a big one. Over the years I handled thousands of phone calls from people who had an issue with the company’s products or service. Though I couldn’t solve every problem, I did my best to resolve the issue to the customer’s satisfaction. Because of this background, I always appreciate it when a company goes above and beyond in helping their customers.

Two weeks ago I was in Las Vegas attending a user conference at the Bellagio. Several days after returning home, I realized my favorite pair of pants was missing. After searching the entire house I finally decided that I must have left the pants at the hotel room. I have absolutely no idea how I managed to do this as I always triple check the hotel rooms before checking out. I contacted the Bellagio and was told they’d see if a maid or a guest had turned them in. A couple days passed I didn’t hear anything back. I figured I didn’t leave the pants in the hotel room or the person who got the room after me happened to wear the same size pants as me and was now walking around Las Vegas in the most comfortable pair of pants on the planet.

Saturday morning a Fed-Ex box arrived at my door. In it are my favorite pair of pants and a pair of socks I apparently left in the room as well. For some reason that was the last thing I expected. And I’m so happy to be wearing my favorite pair of pants. (I'm wearing them even as I type this.)

So thank you, Bellagio, for going above and beyond. Your outstanding customer service will be noted next time business takes me to Las Vegas.

Speaking Engagement Tonight

For those who live in northern Utah, I'll be speaking at a church group on The 7 Things that Matter Most in a relationship. The event will be held in Syracuse, Utah from 7:00 - 8:00 p.m. Syracuse Stake Center 1350 South 1800 West Syracuse, Utah Map\Directions

Also, if you want to see where I'll be in 2012, I already have several speaking and presentations already scheduled with more on the way. Check out my 2012 speaking schedule.

Widower Wednesday: Running with the Dead

Just a reminder that I’ll start posting about holiday topics next week. If you have any holiday situations you’d like me to address in a Widower Wednesday column, send me an email and I’ll answer it. Last year’s topics included Making New Holiday Traditions, How to Remember the Late Wife during the Holidays, and, Moody Holiday Widowers.

Also, my next book, “Marrying a Widower” is going to be released next year. More details here.

***

The other day a flyer was stuck in our door announcing a 5k run/walk. The purpose of the event was to raise money for breast cancer research and honor a local woman who recently lost the fight to that disease.  That same evening I received an email from a woman whose widower BF was going to run in a similar event. The woman was worried that the event would suck him into the past and make him moody and hard to live with and wanted to know how she could talk him out of participating in it.

Personally I don’t have a problem with these types of events even though I’m not a big fan of them. If you want to raise money for charity or awareness in hopes that it can save some lives or make people more aware of a cause, more power to you. Organize one and have fun doing it. However, the relationship issue seems to be is whether or not these kinds of events stop a widower from moving forward or put him in a temporary holding pattern instead of moving on with his life.

Everyone had different ways of grieving and moving on. For some these events can be therapeutic and help them close out a certain chapter of their life. If the race or event is tied into a local charity it might even help them feel like they’re stopping others from going through the same pain that they experienced. For others, however, these events may indeed throw them into the past and be terribly unhelpful to their progress. They may become withdrawn or sad and pine after their dead spouse. It really depends on the person and how they tackled and managed the grief monster.

So if the widower you’re dating participates in similar events without getting sad or otherwise putting a serious relationship on the backburner, let him do it. As time goes he’ll stop participating in these events as he puts that chapter of his life behind him. If events are causing emotional or relationship issues, then sit him down and talk it out. He may not be aware of much the event is affecting his mood or your relationship. Unless you’ve got a serious concern, I would stop short of asking him not to participate. He needs to be the one to weigh your feelings and his goals decide whether or not to take part. The decision, the consequences thereof, are his to make.