Media Apperance: Living the Dream Mom Radio

I'm scheduled to appear on Living the Dream Mom internet radio show this Thursday (July 28) at 10:00 a.m. EST (7:00 a.m. PST). The topic? Married to a Widower. Guests include a woman who married a widower with three children and since has had one of her own. You can listen to the show by clicking here then clicking the Live On Air button in the top right-hand corner.

If you want to call in and ask questions, the number is 1-877-864-4869 or you can click on the Live Chat located at the top of this page during the show to address your questions there.

Keeping Me Honest III

A quick update on my 2011 creative writing goals:

  • The Dating a Widower book is 99% done. Basically all that needs to be done is some marketing copy and final cover layout (which is dependent on my writing the marketing copy). Hope to have everything to the designer this week as Marathon Girl is scheduled to be induced next week unless she goes into labor before that.
  • Since I turned down a publishing contract and went the Indie route with Dating a Widower, I haven’t had as much time to work on “White Whale.” However, I should be able to go full bore on that once the baby comes.
  • The sequel to The Third still needs some tweaks but is essentially done. Hopefully there will be some good news regarding its release date soon.

Also, I’ve had several people who read Room for Two this summer and wanted to know if I’ve ever considered writing a book about life after I married Marathon Girl. I’ve tossed the idea around and though I don’t know if I have a consistent enough storyline for a memoir, I do have enough content to write a dozen or so long essays about second marriages, moving on, and starting a new life that could be complied into a book. Anyway, I’d like to toss the idea out there to see if book like that something you’d be interested in reading. I probably won’t get around to completing it until next year but if there’s enough interest in it, it’s something I can start on relatively soon.

Leave a comment below or email me your thoughts if that's something you'd like to read.

Widower Wednesday: Opening Your Heart

Last week I wrote about the aggravating push/pull characteristics that women experience in some widower relationships. This week I’m going to suggest three things that can help widowers make room in their heart for the new woman. Keep in mind the ideas below are simply suggestions. What worked for me may not work for you. However, if you’re serious about dating again and entering into a committed relationship, then you owe it to yourself and the woman you’re dating to open your heart to her instead of pushing her away and pulling her back every other day.

  • Pick a time to grieve – Widowers who start dating within two years of their wife’s death are usually still grieving. So it helps if you can find a specific time to vent, cry, or do whatever is necessary to get feelings of sadness or anger out of your system. After Krista died, I went running every morning. It was the only time of day I allowed myself to focus on her, her suicide, and what I was going to do with my life. Some mornings I swore under my breath for the entire run. Others I came home with tears frozen to my cheeks. Sometimes those runs were downright miserable. However, the benefit of this was I was able to function more or less normally the rest of the day. I could focus on work, other activities, and any relationships I was involved in at the time. Find a place and time of day where you can be alone, then do whatever you need to feel better. It makes it a lot easier to enjoy the rest of the day and open your heart to someone else when you’re not down in the dumps all day.
  • Embrace Change and Take Advantage of New Opportunities – Life isn’t static. Every day we learn to adapt to change and take on new opportunities. When a spouse dies, it alters the course of our life forever. But it also opens new doors that will take us on new adventures. In every way my life is better than it was 10 years ago. Why? Because I took advantage of the opportunities that arose. When I fell in love again, I got married. When I had a chance to have a family, buy a new home, move far away, start a new job, write a couple of books, I did all of those too. Life didn’t come to a screeching halt 10 years ago. It just changed. And I took advantage of those changes and now I’m a million times happier. Look at your life now that it’s different. Where would you like your life to be in 10 years? What new opportunities and adventures are awaiting you? Are you taking advantage of them or wishing that life could go back to the way it was?
  • Losing a Spouse is Nothing New – Grief is all in your head. Even though we think the world’s going to end—it’s not. Losing people we love, including spouses, is part of life. Yes, death of a spouse can be an incredibly difficult and painful experience and I’m not trying to minimize that. However, millions of people lose a spouse every year. Billions of people have experienced the same thing since they were put on the Earth. You’re not going through something people haven’t gone through before. Most people learn how to deal come out better for it. Some of them even remarry and have successful relationships. Quit being selfish and thinking no one understands what you’re going through. Open your eyes and realize how lucky you are to be alive and have the chance to open your heart to someone else. There are people that go their entire lives without finding that special someone. Think how blessed you really are if you can find two wonderful people.

So, widowers, there’s three things to think about. I’d also love to see widowers share with others in section that has helped you open your heart to someone else. For the women reading this, what are things you’ve seen your widower do that have helped him open his heart. I’ll post some of the better comments up here for everyone to read.

Bye Bye Borders

The bookseller Borders is history.

Borders Group Inc. said it would liquidate after the second-largest U.S. bookstore chain failed to receive any offers to save it.

Borders, which employs about 10,700 people, scrapped a bankruptcy-court auction scheduled for Tuesday amid the dearth of bids. It said it would ask a judge Thursday to approve a sale to liquidators led by Hilco Merchant Resources and Gordon Brothers Group.

The company said liquidation of its remaining 399 stores could start as soon as Friday, and it is expected to go out of business for good by the end of September.

From a consumer perspective, I always liked Borders more than Barnes & Noble so there’s a part of me that’s sad to see them go. But, to be honest, I’ve only been to a bookstore once this year and I don’t remember buying anything. Ever since I gave Marathon Girl a Kindle, we’ve downloaded all the books we read. The few times I’ve needed hard copies, I’ve ordered them off Amazon. So, yeah, I’m part of the reason Borders is history, but there are now more efficient means of purchasing books. Though a few bookstores will survive, their time has come. Bookstores are simply a victim to technology making life more productive and economical.

From an author perspective I’m not that broken up about Borders demise. Books will survive just like music survived the digital transition.  More efficient means of distribution are already making them cheaper* and available to more and more people. In the past the loss of a bookstore like Borders might have been devastating to authors. Now booksellers are losing their edge. You don’t have to be in a book store to be a best seller. There’s a lot more opportunities for authors now than there was two or three years ago. With some marketing savvy and ability to write books people want to read, the possibilities for authors and publishers are endless. There’s never been a better time to be an author than right now.

* The big six publishers still haven’t gotten this message. For example the upcoming Lee Child novel, The Affair, is priced at $13.99 for Kindle. Not cool. Not cool at all.

Running: 11 Years and Counting

This morning I celebrated 11 years of running by going on a four mile run. My two oldest boys tagged along on their bikes—very happy to be outside so early. We had a great run and afterwards sat on the porch for a few minutes drinking ice cold Gatorade before we had to inside get ready for the day. As we sat on the porch I thought about how much I enjoy having my boys come with me on these runs. When I first started running, it was something I enjoyed doing by myself. Granted, I didn’t have any kids then but I relished the solitude. The exercise helped me clear my mind and focus on different things.  Then Marathon Girl came along and everything changed. Running with her was a great bonding experience for the two of us. She kept pushing me to run faster and keep up with her. I loved the challenge she provided but most of all I just liked being with her and sharing some time with her doing something she loves.

It’s kind of the same experience with my boys. There’s some father-son bonding that goes on during these runs. When they’re not racing far ahead of me and tell me to catch up (they get that from their mother) and I enjoy talking to them or just listen to them chatter on about whatever’s on their mind as we navigate the running paths in our neighborhood. It seems like I learn more about them during these morning runs then just about any other time. I enjoy this time so much that on the mornings I end up running alone, I find myself wishing they were riding along with me.

There’s a part of me that’s amazed that, after 11 years, my body is still able to run mile after mile every morning. I keep thinking that one day it’s going to say enough and force me to swim or bike instead. But I’m happy my body is still holding up because I can still do the occasional run Marathon Girl—even if it means taking all the kids with us. And I’m glad my boys like coming with me. I hope they know how much I enjoy having them with me.

I hope it’s something they want to do so long as my body can keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Widower Wednesday: A Widower’s Heart

I’ve got a couple inquiries as to the official launch date of the Dating a Widower book. I don’t have a firm date other than late August. I was hoping to get it out earlier but Marathon Girl is expecting a baby the first week or so of August and trying to release the book around her due date probably isn’t the best idea. I hope to nail down an official release date by the end of this month.

***

On a recent discussion thread in the Dating a Widower Facebook Group a woman made an acute observation about the widower she’s dating. She noted that when the widower is thinking about the late wife or still grieving he tends to distance himself from the new relationship. When the widower’s thoughts are focused on her he and their relationship tend to grow stronger. She, and several other woman who have similar experiences, found this push/pull aspect of the relationship to be very aggravating and frustrating and wanted to know why he was acting that way.

The answer is pretty simple: Men can only actively love one woman at a time. Though the human heart has a great capacity for love, men can only put one person at the very top. When a widower’s actively mourning the late wife or spending inordinate amounts of time thinking about her, then the woman he’s dating is going to be pushed from the top spot. And it’s usually a big fall from to the number two— just ask any woman who’s been shoved from the top.

All widowers struggle to some degree with putting feelings for the late wife to the side. This mean just about every woman has experienced the push/pull aspect in the relationship. The problem happens when the push/pull goes on for days or weeks and is a constant part of the relationship. For example, some women will email me and say that the widower will go through an emotional rough spot and not contact her for an entire week before saying he’s ready to get back together. Sometimes they’ll repeat this push/pull pattern every month. Others might me dating widowers who have three or four good days followed by three or four bad days. If your relationship is experiencing push/pull moments that make you feel like you’re on a never-ending emotional roller coaster ride, that’s usually a sign that the widower is having a difficulty moving on or has his own doubts about the relationship. Healthy relationships are always moving forward.

Though Marathon Girl and I had our own push/pull moments they were never that frequent or that extreme. For every time Marathon Girl felt pushed away there were 10 or 20 times she felt I was pulling her closer. In other words, for every step backwards there were 10 or 20 steps forward. If you feel like your relationship is moving backwards or treading water, maybe it’s time to do a gut check and figure out if the widower is really ready for a committed relationship with you.

Widowers will always love and have feelings for the late wife. There’s nothing wrong with that. However as the widower starts a new relationship he needs to move those feelings for the late wife in a different part of the heart—a place where they won’t compete for the number one spot. If he’s unable to do that, odds are the new relationship will eventually fizzle out.

So how does a widower put those feelings for the late wife in a special place? That will be my topic of next week’s column.

Give Me A Choice When Buying Groceries

Some major grocery chains are considering doing something stupid: Eliminating self-checkout lanes.

Albertsons LLC, which operates 217 stores in seven Western and Southern states, will eliminate all self-checkout lanes in the 100 stores that have them and will replace them with standard or express lanes, a spokeswoman said.

"We just want the opportunity to talk to customers more," Albertsons spokeswoman Christine Wilcox said. "That's the driving motivation."

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The move marks a surprising step back from a trend that began about a decade ago, when supermarkets began installing self-checkout lanes, touting them as a solution to long lines. Now some grocery chains are questioning whether they are really good for business.

Kroger, the largest grocery chain in the U.S. (with some 2,500 outlets), is experimenting with removing all self-checkouts in at least one Texas store, reports StorefrontBacktalk, an industry publication. Publix, another major chain, is "on the fence" about self-checkout, according to a report quoted in the story.

When I go shopping, it’s usually to pick a few things up for Marathon Girl on my way home from work. There are two stores near our home that I can pick things up at. The first has no self-checkout lanes. The second has 10 self-checkout lanes. Unless she needs something specific at the first store I always choose the second because self-checkout lets me get in and out of the store quickly. At the store with no self-checkout lanes there’s always a line at every checkout lane. Going there adds at least five minutes to any shopping trip.

Self checkout lanes are perfect for shoppers who don’t have many items and need to get in and out of the store quickly. The human touch is great when you have a cart load of groceries but when I go, I don’t care if I talk to someone. I want to buy what I need and get on with my life.

What I don’t understand why some stores don’t want to give shoppers a choice of how to buy their groceries. Just because there’s a self-checkout lane doesn’t mean someone has to use it. If people want the human touch, that’s great—let them wander over to a lane with a person. But please don’t force to stand in line when all I need to buy is a gallon of milk or a bag of apples. I’m fully capable of checking out those items by myself.