Widower Wednesday: A Widower’s Heart

I’ve got a couple inquiries as to the official launch date of the Dating a Widower book. I don’t have a firm date other than late August. I was hoping to get it out earlier but Marathon Girl is expecting a baby the first week or so of August and trying to release the book around her due date probably isn’t the best idea. I hope to nail down an official release date by the end of this month.

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On a recent discussion thread in the Dating a Widower Facebook Group a woman made an acute observation about the widower she’s dating. She noted that when the widower is thinking about the late wife or still grieving he tends to distance himself from the new relationship. When the widower’s thoughts are focused on her he and their relationship tend to grow stronger. She, and several other woman who have similar experiences, found this push/pull aspect of the relationship to be very aggravating and frustrating and wanted to know why he was acting that way.

The answer is pretty simple: Men can only actively love one woman at a time. Though the human heart has a great capacity for love, men can only put one person at the very top. When a widower’s actively mourning the late wife or spending inordinate amounts of time thinking about her, then the woman he’s dating is going to be pushed from the top spot. And it’s usually a big fall from to the number two— just ask any woman who’s been shoved from the top.

All widowers struggle to some degree with putting feelings for the late wife to the side. This mean just about every woman has experienced the push/pull aspect in the relationship. The problem happens when the push/pull goes on for days or weeks and is a constant part of the relationship. For example, some women will email me and say that the widower will go through an emotional rough spot and not contact her for an entire week before saying he’s ready to get back together. Sometimes they’ll repeat this push/pull pattern every month. Others might me dating widowers who have three or four good days followed by three or four bad days. If your relationship is experiencing push/pull moments that make you feel like you’re on a never-ending emotional roller coaster ride, that’s usually a sign that the widower is having a difficulty moving on or has his own doubts about the relationship. Healthy relationships are always moving forward.

Though Marathon Girl and I had our own push/pull moments they were never that frequent or that extreme. For every time Marathon Girl felt pushed away there were 10 or 20 times she felt I was pulling her closer. In other words, for every step backwards there were 10 or 20 steps forward. If you feel like your relationship is moving backwards or treading water, maybe it’s time to do a gut check and figure out if the widower is really ready for a committed relationship with you.

Widowers will always love and have feelings for the late wife. There’s nothing wrong with that. However as the widower starts a new relationship he needs to move those feelings for the late wife in a different part of the heart—a place where they won’t compete for the number one spot. If he’s unable to do that, odds are the new relationship will eventually fizzle out.

So how does a widower put those feelings for the late wife in a special place? That will be my topic of next week’s column.

Give Me A Choice When Buying Groceries

Some major grocery chains are considering doing something stupid: Eliminating self-checkout lanes.

Albertsons LLC, which operates 217 stores in seven Western and Southern states, will eliminate all self-checkout lanes in the 100 stores that have them and will replace them with standard or express lanes, a spokeswoman said.

"We just want the opportunity to talk to customers more," Albertsons spokeswoman Christine Wilcox said. "That's the driving motivation."

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The move marks a surprising step back from a trend that began about a decade ago, when supermarkets began installing self-checkout lanes, touting them as a solution to long lines. Now some grocery chains are questioning whether they are really good for business.

Kroger, the largest grocery chain in the U.S. (with some 2,500 outlets), is experimenting with removing all self-checkouts in at least one Texas store, reports StorefrontBacktalk, an industry publication. Publix, another major chain, is "on the fence" about self-checkout, according to a report quoted in the story.

When I go shopping, it’s usually to pick a few things up for Marathon Girl on my way home from work. There are two stores near our home that I can pick things up at. The first has no self-checkout lanes. The second has 10 self-checkout lanes. Unless she needs something specific at the first store I always choose the second because self-checkout lets me get in and out of the store quickly. At the store with no self-checkout lanes there’s always a line at every checkout lane. Going there adds at least five minutes to any shopping trip.

Self checkout lanes are perfect for shoppers who don’t have many items and need to get in and out of the store quickly. The human touch is great when you have a cart load of groceries but when I go, I don’t care if I talk to someone. I want to buy what I need and get on with my life.

What I don’t understand why some stores don’t want to give shoppers a choice of how to buy their groceries. Just because there’s a self-checkout lane doesn’t mean someone has to use it. If people want the human touch, that’s great—let them wander over to a lane with a person. But please don’t force to stand in line when all I need to buy is a gallon of milk or a bag of apples. I’m fully capable of checking out those items by myself.

Funny Subtitles

After reading my last post asking for subtitle feedback, one reader emailed over some of her own true-to-life subtitle suggestions and gave me permission to share them on my blog. There's a part of me that wishes I could use them on my real book. My personal favorite it the fourth one.

  • How to make sure the dead wife is truly buried before you get married
  • Is there a ghost in your relationship? How to know the exorcism failed
  • What to do when you think there is another bitch in your bed, and you don't own a dog
  • She's gone, you're here. If that isn't enough for him, move on my dear
  • How to be in a relationship with a man whoes mind that is more numb than the usual man
  • How to be number 1 when you are number 2
  • Dead people are perfect, you aren't. How to be perfectly imperfect
  • How to date a man who visits the late wife's resting place more than he visits yours

Have a your own true-to-life subtitle you'd like to share? Add them to the comments below.

Widower Wednesday: Subtitle Help

Just a reminder that I’ve upgraded the comment section of the blog so you can reply directly to a comment instead of leaving a comment several spaces down. Hopefully this will help everyone follow the different conversation threads that can occur on a post. (And thanks to all those who helped me beta test the comment section. So far everything seems to be working.) If you have a problem with the new comments functionality, please send me an email so I can investigate the problem.

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This week, I’m asking for one last bit of help with the forthcoming Dating a Widower book. (Regular Widower Wendesday topics to resume next week!) One thing my editor and I have been struggling with is the subtitle to the Dating a Widower book. We’ve thrown some ideas back and forth but really haven’t found anything that sticks. So what I’d like this week is some feedback from you on the seven subtitles below. Is there one that jumps out at you? Are there changes or tweaks you’d make to one of them? Do you have one that would work better than those listed below? If someone suggests a tweak to an existing subtitle or comes up with a new one that I end up using, you’ll receive a free copy of Dating a Widower book when it’s released in next month.

Here are some of the subtitles ideas we’ve been tossing around:

  1. How to Have a Successful Relationship with a Man Who’s Starting Over
  2. A Woman’s Guide to Men, Grief, and Moving On
  3. A Guide to Knowing if He’s Ready to for a New Relationship
  4. Starting a Relationship with a Man Who’s Starting Over
  5. How to Know if He’s Ready to Move On
  6. Everything You Need to Know About Dating a Man Who’s Starting Over
  7. A Guide to Dating a Man Who’s Starting Over

Thanks for your help!

Update: For those who aren't familiar with the book, think of it as a 101 guide to dating a widower. It covers the basics of dating a widower (what to look out for, red flags, how he should treat you, etc.) as well as successful and not so successful stories from women who have dated widowers.

Comments Upgrade

Because some comments threads on this blog can get a little long, I’ve just added a Reply options to the comment section so you can reply directly to a comment instead of typing in an answer that might appear three or four (or more) comments down. Hopefully this will make the discussion a tad easier to follow. It also lets you subscribe to the comment thread via email as well as preview your comment before posting. It works for me but I want to make sure this work for everyone, so if you wouldn't mind, reply to a comment on this thread or subscribe via email. If something not working, send me a quick email.

The Paperback Game

Looking for a game to play at a party or when on vacation? A writer for the New York Times has what looks to be a hilarous way to pass the time while on vacation or at a party where there are lots of books lying around.

Here’s what you’ll need to play: slips of paper (index cards work well), a handful of pencils or pens and a pile of paperback books. Any sort of book will do, from a Dostoyevsky to a Jennifer Egan, and from diet guides to the Kama Sutra. But we’ve found it’s especially rewarding to use genre books: mysteries, romance novels, science fiction, pulp thrillers, westerns, the cheesier the better. If you don’t have well-thumbed mass-market paperbacks in your house, you can usually buy a pile from your library, or from a used-book store, for roughly 50 cents a pop.

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Once you’ve gathered your loved ones at the table — 4 to 10 is optimal — and opened fresh bottles of wine and perhaps put on an old Ry Cooder record, here is how the game unfolds. One player, the “picker” for this turn, selects a book from the pile and shows its cover around. Then he or she flips it over and reads aloud the often overwrought publisher-supplied copy on the back cover.

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The other players absorb these words, and then write on their slips of paper what they imagine to be a credible first sentence for Ms. Lindsey’s novel. Essentially, they need to come up with something good — or bad — enough to fool the other players into thinking that this might be the book’s actual first sentence. Players initial their slips of paper and place them upside down in a pile at the center of the table.

Meanwhile the picker — the person who read the back cover aloud — writes the book’s actual first sentence on another slip of paper. He or she collects all the slips, mixing the real first sentence with the fakes, and commences to read each one aloud. Each person votes on what he or she thinks is the real first sentence.

Here’s how score is kept: If someone votes for your bogus sentence, you get a point. If you pick the real first sentence, you get two points. (The picker doesn’t vote in this round.) Now go around the table clockwise. Someone else picks a book, and you repeat the process until a round ends – that is, until each person has had a turn at being the picker. Or you can play until the wine bottles are drained, and it’s time to go outside to gawk at the stars.

You can read the entire article here.

This would actually be a fun game to play at my parents home where there are tons of books lying about. I’m heading over there for the 4th but alas we already have tickets to a demolition derby. However, it’s something I’d like to try next time I’m at a party or hanging out with the family later this summer.

If any of you have played The Paperback Game (or something similar) I’m curious as to how much you enjoy it. According to the author you don’t have to be a book worm or a writer to excel at the game—just creative.

Book Review: Sleight of Hand by Deanne Blackhurst

Is it possible to con your way out of hell? That’s the question surrounding Deanne Blackhurst’s latest novel Sleight of Hand. Fifty-two year old Daniel Cabrero dies when a cons he’s running goes bad. After his death he finds himself in a purgatory-like place called the Wasteland. Aside from a guide named Jonah that comes and goes, Daniel is completely alone with only his memories of the past to keep him company. Eventually he realizes that his time in the Wasteland is only temporary and it’s up to him to ether redeem himself and move on to a place called Providence City or to a dark place from where there’s no return.

What I liked: The author did an excellent job of showing how one’s actions, for better or worse, affect other people. Many of the scenes where Daniel could see how his selfishness and scams hurt others people were very heart wrenching. The world of the Wasteland is also very creative and original. Though the Wasteland is very beautiful and many worldly pleasures can be conjured out of thing air but without anyone to share them with, the loneliness overshadows the world’s beauty. Daniel is also a solid character and the author does a good job of making Daniel’s eventual redeeming change feel natural and real—not an easy thing to do.

What could be improved: The relationship between Daniel and Jonah felt very stiff throughout the novel. While that worked at the beginning when they were getting to know each other, the relationship still felt rigid long after they had supposedly become friends. The book also could have used an edit. There were some glaring typos and transition issues that could have been fixed with the help of an editor.

Who would enjoy it: Though the book has a religious theme (concepts of right and wrong, heaven and hell) the author goes out of her way to create an afterlife something that someone from just about any faith could relate to. The book would probably be most enjoyed by those who are somewhat or very religious or have a belief in some kind of afterlife.

Rating: 3.5 stars out of 5

Full disclosure: I received a free copy of the book in exchange for an honest review.

Widower Wednesday: No Going Back

For those whose stories were selected for the Dating a Widower book, I emailed off all the contributor agreements last night. If you’ve been notified that I’m going to use your story but haven’t received an agreement, check your spam folder. If you still can’t find it, email me and I’ll resend it.

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Recently I received an email from someone who had just finished Room for Two. She enjoyed the book but had a question that is often asked about the last chapter. For those who haven’t read the book, the last chapter takes place exactly one year after Krista’s death. At the end of the chapter Marathon Girl and I are at the cemetery standing near Krista and Hope’s headstone. As we leave I look back and realize that I’ll probably never come back to the cemetery and visit their grave. The reader wanted to know whether or not I’ve been back to Krista’s grave since then and, if I haven’t, if I plan on going back at some point in the future.

No, I haven’t gone back to Krista’s grave since that day in the book and have no plans to return anytime soon. There are many reasons for this, but the biggest one is that I don’t see what going back would accomplish other than suck me into the past. Remembering the dead isn’t a physical act—at least not for me. I have moments when I think of Krista and Hope but those moments are few and far between and last only a moment.  At some point I may go back—but that will probably happen when my kids are older and if the express some curiously about their half-sister or my life before I met their mother. I don’t see myself going back for any other reason.

I’m not recommending that other widowers don’t visit their late wife’s grave (or area where her ashes are scattered). Everyone has their own way of moving forward. For some widowers making occasional visits to the cemetery might be helpful. But I’m not wired that way. For me life isn’t about visiting the past but learning from it and using that knowledge to make the best out of the hand we’ve been dealt.

Nine years ago, I lost everything that mattered to me. Every morning I woke up alone, scared, and without a clue what I was going to do with my life. Fast forward to today: I have a new life now that includes a wonderful wife and 4.5 kids. Getting to where I’m at took a lot of effort, sacrifice, and patience. I had to learn how to rebuild a life from scratch and part of that process included learning how and when to remember the past.

I have no regrets about not going back. If I had gone back—even just once—I doubt my life where I’d be where I’m at today.