Widower Wednesday: The 6-Week Drop-Off Curve

Thanks to all those who responded to my questions about starting an independent discussion form on my website. For lots of reasons I’ve decided not to put one on my site right now. I might start one in the future but for now I encourage everyone to use the DAW Facebook group and/or the comments threads on the Widower Wednesday posts. For those members of the FB group, please keep in mind there are many women dating a widower who don’t have Facebook accounts and just use the comment threads in the Widower Wednesday columns for advice. I encourage everyone to browse through the comments on these posts and, if so inclined, give your insight to those who are asking for help.

Now on to today’s column. . . .

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Recently I’ve seen a lot of emails and FB posts from women who are in the early stages of dating a widower only to have the widower unexpectedly stop communicating or just call things off about a month into the relationship. Generally these relationships got off to a great start so most women are a little stunned when they suddenly come to a screeching halt.

In the dating world there’s something that’s known as the six-week drop-off curve.* In a nutshell the six-week drop-off curve is the length of time it takes for someone to get bored with the relationship and realize it’s not for them. In a relationship with a non-widowed man, most women would realize that the man simply wasn’t interested and move on. With widowers, however, women think that if the widower just has time to grieve, the relationship will get back on track. As a result, they wait around hoping the widower will eventually come to his senses and come back to them.

The six-week drop-off curve is why I advice women to approach the initial month or two of dating a widower slowly and with their eyes wide open. Widowers (and non-widowed men) can only fake interest in a woman or a relationship for so long. If they’re just looking for companionship, sex, or to fill a hole in their heart, it usually comes out in the first six to eight weeks of a relationship. Taking things slowly can help you avoid giving to much of yourself or your heart to a widower who doesn’t want the same kind of relationships as you.

For women who find themselves on the short end of the six-week drop-off curve, my advice is simple: Don’t wait around for the widower because odds are, he’s not coming back. And those who do return are generally interested only in sex.

The first thing you have to remember is that you’re dating a man not a widower. It doesn’t matter if the man is single, divorced, or widowed—the six-week drop-off curve applies to everyone. It doesn’t matter how well the first date went or how great your first time in the sack together was. If the widower gets bored or simply decides there’s no long-term potential for the relationship, he’ll end it.

Second, keep in mind that most widower who use the grief excuse for ending things are doing it because it makes breaking up super easy. Most widowers have learned if they say they’re still grieving, most women will give them a free pass. Yes, there are some widowers who are really grieving most widowers are to wussy to just tell you that he’s simply not interested in you anymore.

Third, once men end a relationship they generally go on with their lives. They don’t spend a lot, if any, time wondering if you’re still available, what you’re doing, or if you’re thinking about them. They get involved with work, watch a football game, or work on being a father to his kids. If you’re waiting around for him to come crawling back to you, odds are you’re wasting your time.

Fourth, widower who do contact you again after breaking things off after six weeks are generally lonely and are looking for sex or someone to pass the time with. Odds are they aren’t that interested in you or a long-term relationship. Getting involved with them simply opens you up for more heartache.

Remember, if a relationship is meant to work out, it will. Don’t get sucked into a widower’s mind or relationship games. Widowers are serious about starting a new life won’t play games with your heart. Instead, they’ll treat you like a queen.

* Length of time varies but most dating experts peg the drop off curve at 3-8 weeks.

Life Imitates The Third VI

The World Bank will suggest a global levy on jet and shipping fuel in recommendations to G20 governments later this year on raising climate finance, a senior official said on Sunday.
The Sydney Morning Herald, The Dangers of Bone-Headed Beliefs, Richard Glover, June 6, 2011

Looked at through this lens, our generation has it easy. Already wealthy and armed with new technology, we need to front up to the challenge of building a low-carbon economy.

The tool we'll use is a carbon tax that seeks to subtly redirect some of our choices. Cut your power bill by more than the compensation offered and you get to keep the change.

From The Third, Chapter 2

Dempsey honked the truck’s horn, and Ransom watched as a lady reading the news board jumped in the air. He could remember car-filled streets, but the memories were few and hazy. The clearest was of him sitting in the backseat of his family’s minivan, looking out the window as his mom pulled into a parking lot filled with cars. Perhaps he remembered it so well because the summer sun had reflected off their windshields and reminded him of a sky filled with stars.

"I was five, maybe six, when the carbon taxes went into effect," Ransom said. "I remember my dad coming home from work and telling my mom that they couldn’t afford to drive anymore. Sometime after that, I think the car was sold or given to a recycling center."

Going Independent and the Future of Publishing

After announcing my decision to go independent with my Dating a Widower book, some people were curious as to why I’d turn down a publishing contract. Since I know most of my readers don’t follow what’s going on in the publishing world as closely as I do, I thought I’d give a more detailed explanation for my decision. The publishing industry is going through a similar change that the music industry went through at the turn of the century. Back when I was in college most people still bought CDs at the mall or stores like Wal-Mart or Target. Right around the time I graduated Napster showed up and everyone started downloading digital music to their computer for free. Of course this was illegal and Napster was soon shut down but not before demonstrating there was a big appetite for digital music. Then iTunes came along and showed that most people would willingly pay 99 cents for song or buy digital albums online—usually for less than the price of a CD. What made digital music really take off was the iPod and other digital music players that made it easy to take digital music files from your computer and put them in a device that would fit in your pocket.

Despite screaming from the record companies that some well known bands that the music industry was going to go bankrupt and disappear,  most bands and record labels not only survived but learned how to thrive in the new music world.  However, the biggest winners were independent musicians who now could upload their music to iTunes and could distribute their music just like the big boys. Many talented, independent musicians and bands suddenly had a way to get their music in front the same people as the big record labels without the overhead of distributing CDs or figuring out how to get them in stores. Because of a level playing field many independent bands and musicians have found an audience been able to make a living. Some have even been signed by big record labels after proving there was an audience for their music.

In the last couple of years eBooks and eReaders have revolutionized the publishing world. In the old days going independent (or self publishing) meant the author would write a book then and spend thousands of dollars printing copies of their book. With no way to distribute their work, most copies sat unsold in the author’s garage collecting dust. Now thanks to devices like the Kindle and improved print-on-demand (POD) technology, writers can bypass agents and publishers and have their books in the same online stores as big name publishers without having to invest money in printing actual books. Authors like Amanda Hocking have been able to launch their writing careers by promoting and selling their eBooks online.

With this kind of disruption in the traditional book business there’s the standard weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth as Big Publishing watches the business model they’ve relied on for decades being turned inside out. Many authors and industry experts are predicting the demise of big publishers or publishing companies in general. I don’t see that happening. However I think most have the financial resources to ride out the storm and will (eventually) adapt to the changing marketplace. (It’s traditional brick and mortar bookstores that have the most to lose.)

So what does this have to do with my decision to go indie—at least for this book?

Thanks to eBooks and POD technology I can reach this book’s target audience just as well, if not better, than most publishers. Over the years I’ve built up a loyal readership on the subject and in many corners I’m considered the expert on dating a widower. In addition my website receives hundreds of Google hits every day from people looking for information on this very subject. If I didn’t have any of this going for me, signing a contract with a traditional publisher might have been a better way to go.

What I’m hoping to avoid is the mistakes many indie authors make. I can’t tell you how many books by indie authors that I’ve downloaded on Marathon Girl’s Kindle only to delete the books after a couple chapters because the writing, editing, and proofreading wasn’t anywhere it needed to be. I’ve also refrained from purchasing other books simply because it looked like some 12-year-old put it together. I estimate it’s going to cost me roughly $1,000 for a cover, editing, proofreading, and everything else it’s going to take to bring the book to a professional level. However, it’s a good investment and I’m fairly confident that I can earn that money back in a relatively short timeframe because of the need for this book.

Unlike some authors, I’m not married to the indie way of things. I have two other books I hope to get wrapped up soon. One I’d like to take the traditional route while the other one could go either way. A lot of the direction I choose to go will depend on how this project turns out and the lessons I learn along the way. If anything I see my writing future including using the best of both worlds.

Whatever happens, it’s going to be an exciting journey. And I promise to keep you all posted as this and other projects move forward.

Going Indie: A Dating a Widower Book Update

Note: My regular Widower Wednesday column will resume next week.

As many of you know I was recently offered a publishing contract for my Dating a Widower book. Today I’m announcing that I’ve turned down the contract and am going to publish Dating a Widower on my own like originally planned. The book will be available in paperback and eBook format in August. The book will be published through my Ben Lomond Press imprint.

Turning down the publishing contract wasn’t an easy decision. If the contract had been offered a year ago, I probably would have signed it. However, in the last year there’s been a major revolution in the publishing world. Thanks to eBooks readers like Kindle and Nook and improved print on demand technology, it’s become a lot easier for authors to get books into the hands of their target audience without a traditional publisher. For the most part the revolution has been relegated to certain fiction genres but it’s also been good for niche non-fiction and self-help titles too.

A few of the reasons I decided to go indie with Dating a Widower include:

  • I already have an audience for this book and know how to reach them. Because of the niche nature of this book, I wasn’t sure if a traditional publisher could do a better job getting the book in to the hands of women dating widowers.
  • I can get the book out this summer instead of early 2012.
  • Going indie will allow me to be more responsive to the needs of the audience. If there's a subject I didn't address I can quickly add a chapter to the book or make other updates instead of waiting a year or so for the next edition to become available.

Just because I’m going indie doesn’t mean I’m slapping the book together and throwing it out there. I’m contracting out a lot of the things that publishers usually handle. For example, I had a great editor go over it before I even submitted it to a publisher and will have a second editor and a proofreader go over it before it’s available to buy. I’ve also contracted the services of a book cover designer who’s designed hundreds of non-fiction book covers for traditional publishers as well as lots of experience typesetting them. In short, it’s going to be the same book you would have received from a traditional publisher.

Have I given up on using traditional publishers or going the traditional publishing route? Absolutely not. However, in the future I’m going to consider whether or not to go that route on a project-by-project basis. I currently have two other writing projects I’m working on. One I'm planning on taking one the traditional route and am currenlty leaning toward taking the second project the indie route.

In the meantime look for Dating a Widower to be ready for purchase and reading this August. The women whose stories have been selected to be included in the book should get formal email notifications this week.

Thanks for all your support with this book. I’m looking forward to finally having Dating a Widower available in two short months.

Widower Wednesday: Feeling Like a Mistress?

A quick update on those who submitted stories for the Dating a Widower book: I’ve gone through and made the initial selection for the stories. If you’re stories been selected, you should get a formal email next week letting you know. There were lots of good stories and I’m still debating whether or not to include a section of stories at the end.

In the meantime, I realized that I forgot to ask if anyone has stories to share about online memorials to the LW. It’s a new chapter I created and yesterday I didn’t get any stories about that because—like an idiot—I forgot to ask for them. So if anyone wants to share a story about the problems caused by online memorials and how you overcame those problems, please email them to me. Stories must be submitted by Wednesday June 1. Thanks!

Also, if you have a minute, check out a great Miss Manners column on a family adjusting to a widower’s new wife. I thought Miss Manners’ advice was spot on. Hat Tip: Lindesy, who posted it over at the Dating a Widower Facebook group.

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Sometimes I’ll get emails from women who are dating a widower but feel like a mistress because the widower keeps their relationship a secret. When it’s just the two of them, he treats her like a queen. However, if there’s a party, vacation, dinner, or other activity where friends, family, or others who knew the LW might be present, the widower goes alone. Just a few of the excuses a widower gives for his behavior include:

  • His family/friends think it’s too soon for him to start dating again
  • His family/friends are still grieving
  • If his family/friends knew he was in a relationship it would cause problems and he’d rather keep the peace
  • It’s none of their business who he’s dating
  • His family/friends are boring and doesn’t want to trouble them

Part of me can understand that a widower might not want others knowing that he’s dating again—especially if it’s soon after the late wife’s death. Often those who are closest to a widower have the hardest time seeing him with someone else. When I started dating again, I kept my activities from just about everyone.  However, there’s a difference between not telling someone about a date and hiding a serious relationship. Once a widower becomes serious with someone, the widower needs to let others know. It doesn’t have to be a big, formal announcement but he needs to let others know that there’s someone else in his life. The tone and the way the widower does this can go a long way to getting friends and family to open up to the new woman and the relationship.

What I don’t understand is why women put up with this type of behavior. And don’t tell me it’s because you think he’s a great guy. Great guys don’t treat their girlfriends like mistresses or call girls. Great guys aren’t ashamed of the women they’re dating. Usually they’re more than happy to introduce them to friends and family, take them out in public places, and pretty much want to show you off to the world.

So if you’re feeling like a mistress, it’s probably because you’re being treated like one. Unless you enjoy being someone’s secret lover, stand up for yourself. Life’s too short to waste it on men who aren’t willing to let the world know what a great catch they’ve found.  You deserve to be treated like a queen. Last time I looked, queens aren’t hidden from the world.

College Graduates and Jobs

According to the New York Times, more and more college graduates are unable to find jobs after graduation; those who do are being paid less than graduates who got their degrees before the recession.

The median starting salary for students graduating from four-year colleges in 2009 and 2010 was $27,000, down from $30,000 for those who entered the work force in 2006 to 2008, according to a study released on Wednesday by the John J. Heldrich Center for Workforce Development at Rutgers University. That is a decline of 10 percent, even before taking inflation into account.

Of course, these are the lucky ones — the graduates who found a job. Among the members of the class of 2010, just 56 percent had held at least one job by this spring, when the survey was conducted. That compares with 90 percent of graduates from the classes of 2006 and 2007. (Some have gone for further education or opted out of the labor force, while many are still pounding the pavement.)

From the sad stories of unemployed or underemployed college graduates in the article, most of them seem shocked that college didn’t lead to the riches and careers they were told awaited them once they had a diploma in their hands.

The value of a college degree—or at least the perceived value—is part of the problem. When most kids graduate from high school they’ve had at least a decade about the importance of college being drilled into their heads. Most graduate believing that if they want to make anything of their lives, they need a college degree. Trade school, post secondary certifications, or other educational paths are often scoffed at by “educators” even when those may be a good solution for many high school students.

While it’s certainly true that college can lead to higher or better paying jobs than those who don’t pursue a college education, the number of college graduates waiting tables, working as telemarketers, or performing other jobs that don’t require any education or training except a high school diploma is rising. Part of this due to the recession and the fact there are fewer jobs awaiting graduates. However, a bigger problem is that the market is flooded with college graduates who have degrees that are absolutely useless when it comes to getting jobs in the real world. Rubbing salt in the wounds is that many of these students graduated with mountains of debt.

College isn’t for everyone; college degrees aren’t for everyone. Instead of telling students that college is the only path to success, we need to let students know that there are many ways to make it in the world and that college is just one of many choices. Since the real world is often a better teacher than any classroom, many students might even be better off not going to college and seeing what the real world is like before deciding whether or not to pursue a college degree or another path.

Unfortunately the education industrial complex gets a lot of money from the status quo and is unlikely to change anytime soon. It’s probably to take a generation of debt-laden, pissed off graduates before any meaningful education reform is even discussed.

Widower Wednesday: Dating a Widower Discussion Boards

A big THANK YOU to all those who submitted a story to the forthcoming Dating a Widower book. I received over 100 submissions. I spent part of the weekend categorizing them and reading as many as time allowed. I still have another 50 or so to read through. I’m hoping to have final selections done in the next two weeks. If your story is selected, I hope to let you know no later than the first half of June.

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I’m short on time today so instead of posting some dating a widower advice, I’d like to get some feedback from readers of this column.

As many of you know, I’ve operated a Dating a Widower Facebook group for the last 18 months or so. For the most part the group has been a big success. Right now it has nearly 300 members and a very active discussion thread going on. (Feel free to join if you aren’t already part of it.)

Facebook has recently changed the way the groups work and have required group administrators to upgrade the groups or lose them. A couple of weeks ago I upgraded the DAW group. As a result this resulted in some changes to the group—some good, others not so good.

On the good side, the Facebook group is now totally private. No one, except for other members of the group, can see the posts. The changes also make it easier for members to see when there have been updates to the group. Since the upgrade, the number of discussion threads has increased dramatically.

The one major downside is that now that all discussion threads are posted on the group’s wall, it’s more difficult so sort through topics. Sometimes multiple threads with similar or the same topics are going on simultaneously.  As a result several members have asked if I’d be open to starting a discussion board on my site or elsewhere that’s easier to navigate.

Starting a private DAW discussion board on my website would be easy and affordable. All I have to do is push a button on the backend and pay an extra two or three dollars a month to keep it operational. Neither is a problem for me right now.

Personally, I’d rather keep the Facebook group going. The way I look at it people are more likely to visit their Facebook page than my site every day. With the group upgrade, seeing if there are new posts or discussion threads. My biggest worry is that having two discussion groups (my site and Facebook) would decrease overall participation. I’d rather have one strong, active group then two weak groups. However, I’m willing to consider starting one on this site enough people express interest.

So email me or leave comments below on what you think. Is the Facebook group good enough or would you rather have a discussion board--one that might take the place of the Facebook group? I’ll take comments over the next couple weeks and let you know of my decision by the end of June.

Non-Fiction Books and the Kindle

Me: For the first time since buying a Kindle for Marathon Girl, I’ve ordered hard copies of two books. They arrived— Question Man: Wait a minute. I thought you guys loved the Kindle. Why are you ordering hard copies of books now?

Me: We do love MG’s Kindle; so much so that we probably need a second one. Good thing Father’s Day is coming up next month. (Hint, hint, hint!) However, I have a hard time reading non-fiction books on the Kindle.

Question Man: Have a hard time reading them? Is there a formatting issue with the non-fiction books.

Me: No, it’s not a formatting issue. When I read non-fiction (with the exception of memoirs) I’m a prolific note taker. I underline a lot of passages, make tons of notes in the margins, and use my own shorthand for cross referencing purposes.

Question Man: Did you know you can highlight passages, take notes, and mark up Kindle eBooks just about any way you want?

Me: Yes, I know. The problem is that it takes considerably more time for me to take notes with the Kindle—at least twice as long if I had the paper book and pencil in my hand. It wouldn’t be a big deal if I was just highlighting a handful of passages or only had a few notes. However, my note taking gets pretty extensive. Hence the reason I ordered hard copies.

Question Man: Well why don’t you download a Kindle app for your computer and highlight and take notes at lightning speed?

Me: I have downloaded the Kindle App on my PC. It’s way faster to highlight and take notes. The problem is I stare at a computer screen all day for work plus the hour or two I squeeze in for writing. By the time I get around to reading, my eyes don’t want to stare at a backlit screen anymore. They need a break.

Question Man: So what’s your solution?

Me: Well, a second Kindle would help. (Hint, hint, hint!) That would give me more time to practice highlighting and note taking. But for now I’m sticking with paperbacks—at least for non-fiction. That means Story Engineering and Cool IT will reside in paperback on my shelf for now. Fiction however will always find a home on my Kindle. Hopefully I can find a solution before I need to buy another non-fiction book.

Question Man: Will you let us know if you find a solution?

Me: You bet. And if anyone out there has any tips, please let me know.