Going Indie: A Dating a Widower Book Update

Note: My regular Widower Wednesday column will resume next week.

As many of you know I was recently offered a publishing contract for my Dating a Widower book. Today I’m announcing that I’ve turned down the contract and am going to publish Dating a Widower on my own like originally planned. The book will be available in paperback and eBook format in August. The book will be published through my Ben Lomond Press imprint.

Turning down the publishing contract wasn’t an easy decision. If the contract had been offered a year ago, I probably would have signed it. However, in the last year there’s been a major revolution in the publishing world. Thanks to eBooks readers like Kindle and Nook and improved print on demand technology, it’s become a lot easier for authors to get books into the hands of their target audience without a traditional publisher. For the most part the revolution has been relegated to certain fiction genres but it’s also been good for niche non-fiction and self-help titles too.

A few of the reasons I decided to go indie with Dating a Widower include:

  • I already have an audience for this book and know how to reach them. Because of the niche nature of this book, I wasn’t sure if a traditional publisher could do a better job getting the book in to the hands of women dating widowers.
  • I can get the book out this summer instead of early 2012.
  • Going indie will allow me to be more responsive to the needs of the audience. If there's a subject I didn't address I can quickly add a chapter to the book or make other updates instead of waiting a year or so for the next edition to become available.

Just because I’m going indie doesn’t mean I’m slapping the book together and throwing it out there. I’m contracting out a lot of the things that publishers usually handle. For example, I had a great editor go over it before I even submitted it to a publisher and will have a second editor and a proofreader go over it before it’s available to buy. I’ve also contracted the services of a book cover designer who’s designed hundreds of non-fiction book covers for traditional publishers as well as lots of experience typesetting them. In short, it’s going to be the same book you would have received from a traditional publisher.

Have I given up on using traditional publishers or going the traditional publishing route? Absolutely not. However, in the future I’m going to consider whether or not to go that route on a project-by-project basis. I currently have two other writing projects I’m working on. One I'm planning on taking one the traditional route and am currenlty leaning toward taking the second project the indie route.

In the meantime look for Dating a Widower to be ready for purchase and reading this August. The women whose stories have been selected to be included in the book should get formal email notifications this week.

Thanks for all your support with this book. I’m looking forward to finally having Dating a Widower available in two short months.

Widower Wednesday: Feeling Like a Mistress?

A quick update on those who submitted stories for the Dating a Widower book: I’ve gone through and made the initial selection for the stories. If you’re stories been selected, you should get a formal email next week letting you know. There were lots of good stories and I’m still debating whether or not to include a section of stories at the end.

In the meantime, I realized that I forgot to ask if anyone has stories to share about online memorials to the LW. It’s a new chapter I created and yesterday I didn’t get any stories about that because—like an idiot—I forgot to ask for them. So if anyone wants to share a story about the problems caused by online memorials and how you overcame those problems, please email them to me. Stories must be submitted by Wednesday June 1. Thanks!

Also, if you have a minute, check out a great Miss Manners column on a family adjusting to a widower’s new wife. I thought Miss Manners’ advice was spot on. Hat Tip: Lindesy, who posted it over at the Dating a Widower Facebook group.

***

Sometimes I’ll get emails from women who are dating a widower but feel like a mistress because the widower keeps their relationship a secret. When it’s just the two of them, he treats her like a queen. However, if there’s a party, vacation, dinner, or other activity where friends, family, or others who knew the LW might be present, the widower goes alone. Just a few of the excuses a widower gives for his behavior include:

  • His family/friends think it’s too soon for him to start dating again
  • His family/friends are still grieving
  • If his family/friends knew he was in a relationship it would cause problems and he’d rather keep the peace
  • It’s none of their business who he’s dating
  • His family/friends are boring and doesn’t want to trouble them

Part of me can understand that a widower might not want others knowing that he’s dating again—especially if it’s soon after the late wife’s death. Often those who are closest to a widower have the hardest time seeing him with someone else. When I started dating again, I kept my activities from just about everyone.  However, there’s a difference between not telling someone about a date and hiding a serious relationship. Once a widower becomes serious with someone, the widower needs to let others know. It doesn’t have to be a big, formal announcement but he needs to let others know that there’s someone else in his life. The tone and the way the widower does this can go a long way to getting friends and family to open up to the new woman and the relationship.

What I don’t understand is why women put up with this type of behavior. And don’t tell me it’s because you think he’s a great guy. Great guys don’t treat their girlfriends like mistresses or call girls. Great guys aren’t ashamed of the women they’re dating. Usually they’re more than happy to introduce them to friends and family, take them out in public places, and pretty much want to show you off to the world.

So if you’re feeling like a mistress, it’s probably because you’re being treated like one. Unless you enjoy being someone’s secret lover, stand up for yourself. Life’s too short to waste it on men who aren’t willing to let the world know what a great catch they’ve found.  You deserve to be treated like a queen. Last time I looked, queens aren’t hidden from the world.

College Graduates and Jobs

According to the New York Times, more and more college graduates are unable to find jobs after graduation; those who do are being paid less than graduates who got their degrees before the recession.

The median starting salary for students graduating from four-year colleges in 2009 and 2010 was $27,000, down from $30,000 for those who entered the work force in 2006 to 2008, according to a study released on Wednesday by the John J. Heldrich Center for Workforce Development at Rutgers University. That is a decline of 10 percent, even before taking inflation into account.

Of course, these are the lucky ones — the graduates who found a job. Among the members of the class of 2010, just 56 percent had held at least one job by this spring, when the survey was conducted. That compares with 90 percent of graduates from the classes of 2006 and 2007. (Some have gone for further education or opted out of the labor force, while many are still pounding the pavement.)

From the sad stories of unemployed or underemployed college graduates in the article, most of them seem shocked that college didn’t lead to the riches and careers they were told awaited them once they had a diploma in their hands.

The value of a college degree—or at least the perceived value—is part of the problem. When most kids graduate from high school they’ve had at least a decade about the importance of college being drilled into their heads. Most graduate believing that if they want to make anything of their lives, they need a college degree. Trade school, post secondary certifications, or other educational paths are often scoffed at by “educators” even when those may be a good solution for many high school students.

While it’s certainly true that college can lead to higher or better paying jobs than those who don’t pursue a college education, the number of college graduates waiting tables, working as telemarketers, or performing other jobs that don’t require any education or training except a high school diploma is rising. Part of this due to the recession and the fact there are fewer jobs awaiting graduates. However, a bigger problem is that the market is flooded with college graduates who have degrees that are absolutely useless when it comes to getting jobs in the real world. Rubbing salt in the wounds is that many of these students graduated with mountains of debt.

College isn’t for everyone; college degrees aren’t for everyone. Instead of telling students that college is the only path to success, we need to let students know that there are many ways to make it in the world and that college is just one of many choices. Since the real world is often a better teacher than any classroom, many students might even be better off not going to college and seeing what the real world is like before deciding whether or not to pursue a college degree or another path.

Unfortunately the education industrial complex gets a lot of money from the status quo and is unlikely to change anytime soon. It’s probably to take a generation of debt-laden, pissed off graduates before any meaningful education reform is even discussed.

Widower Wednesday: Dating a Widower Discussion Boards

A big THANK YOU to all those who submitted a story to the forthcoming Dating a Widower book. I received over 100 submissions. I spent part of the weekend categorizing them and reading as many as time allowed. I still have another 50 or so to read through. I’m hoping to have final selections done in the next two weeks. If your story is selected, I hope to let you know no later than the first half of June.

***

I’m short on time today so instead of posting some dating a widower advice, I’d like to get some feedback from readers of this column.

As many of you know, I’ve operated a Dating a Widower Facebook group for the last 18 months or so. For the most part the group has been a big success. Right now it has nearly 300 members and a very active discussion thread going on. (Feel free to join if you aren’t already part of it.)

Facebook has recently changed the way the groups work and have required group administrators to upgrade the groups or lose them. A couple of weeks ago I upgraded the DAW group. As a result this resulted in some changes to the group—some good, others not so good.

On the good side, the Facebook group is now totally private. No one, except for other members of the group, can see the posts. The changes also make it easier for members to see when there have been updates to the group. Since the upgrade, the number of discussion threads has increased dramatically.

The one major downside is that now that all discussion threads are posted on the group’s wall, it’s more difficult so sort through topics. Sometimes multiple threads with similar or the same topics are going on simultaneously.  As a result several members have asked if I’d be open to starting a discussion board on my site or elsewhere that’s easier to navigate.

Starting a private DAW discussion board on my website would be easy and affordable. All I have to do is push a button on the backend and pay an extra two or three dollars a month to keep it operational. Neither is a problem for me right now.

Personally, I’d rather keep the Facebook group going. The way I look at it people are more likely to visit their Facebook page than my site every day. With the group upgrade, seeing if there are new posts or discussion threads. My biggest worry is that having two discussion groups (my site and Facebook) would decrease overall participation. I’d rather have one strong, active group then two weak groups. However, I’m willing to consider starting one on this site enough people express interest.

So email me or leave comments below on what you think. Is the Facebook group good enough or would you rather have a discussion board--one that might take the place of the Facebook group? I’ll take comments over the next couple weeks and let you know of my decision by the end of June.

Non-Fiction Books and the Kindle

Me: For the first time since buying a Kindle for Marathon Girl, I’ve ordered hard copies of two books. They arrived— Question Man: Wait a minute. I thought you guys loved the Kindle. Why are you ordering hard copies of books now?

Me: We do love MG’s Kindle; so much so that we probably need a second one. Good thing Father’s Day is coming up next month. (Hint, hint, hint!) However, I have a hard time reading non-fiction books on the Kindle.

Question Man: Have a hard time reading them? Is there a formatting issue with the non-fiction books.

Me: No, it’s not a formatting issue. When I read non-fiction (with the exception of memoirs) I’m a prolific note taker. I underline a lot of passages, make tons of notes in the margins, and use my own shorthand for cross referencing purposes.

Question Man: Did you know you can highlight passages, take notes, and mark up Kindle eBooks just about any way you want?

Me: Yes, I know. The problem is that it takes considerably more time for me to take notes with the Kindle—at least twice as long if I had the paper book and pencil in my hand. It wouldn’t be a big deal if I was just highlighting a handful of passages or only had a few notes. However, my note taking gets pretty extensive. Hence the reason I ordered hard copies.

Question Man: Well why don’t you download a Kindle app for your computer and highlight and take notes at lightning speed?

Me: I have downloaded the Kindle App on my PC. It’s way faster to highlight and take notes. The problem is I stare at a computer screen all day for work plus the hour or two I squeeze in for writing. By the time I get around to reading, my eyes don’t want to stare at a backlit screen anymore. They need a break.

Question Man: So what’s your solution?

Me: Well, a second Kindle would help. (Hint, hint, hint!) That would give me more time to practice highlighting and note taking. But for now I’m sticking with paperbacks—at least for non-fiction. That means Story Engineering and Cool IT will reside in paperback on my shelf for now. Fiction however will always find a home on my Kindle. Hopefully I can find a solution before I need to buy another non-fiction book.

Question Man: Will you let us know if you find a solution?

Me: You bet. And if anyone out there has any tips, please let me know.

Final Call for Dating A Widower Stories

Just a reminder that today's the day to submit your stories for consideration for the upcoming Dating a Widower book. (If you ask nicely, I might let one or two trickle in this weekend. :-) ). The real life examples you submit can be either positive or “learning” dating a widower experiences or something in between. Basically we’re looking for any kind of story that can help women navigate the murky waters that come with dating a widower. Though you’re welcome to write about any dating a widower topic, I'm especially looking for stories that can answer the following questions:

  • How to get your widower to open up and talk to you about your relationship?
  • How you overcame insecurities in the bedroom about being compared to the late wife?
  • What have widowers done to make you feel like Number 1?
  • When did you realize it was time to end the relationship with a widower?
  • How did you deal with the widower’s adult children who weren’t accepting of their dad’s new relationship?
  • How did you get the widower’s minor children to accept you as the new “mom”?
  • How did you deal with special days like the late wife’s birthday, and wedding anniversary and other holidays?

To submit your story for consideration, send me an email. Please keep submissions to 500 words or less. You can submit more than one story but please send them in different emails. (This way I can sort them by topic better.) All submissions must be received by May 13, 2011.

The author of any story that makes it into the book will receive a free copy of the Dating a Widower book up publication. To protect your privacy, you can publish your story under a pen name if you wish.

If you have any questions about submitting a story let me know.

Thanks, and I’m looking forward to reading what you have to share.

Widower Wednesday: Never Settle

FINAL REMINDER: Friday is the last day to submit your story for the upcoming Dating A Widower book. Thanks to all those who have already shared your story. I’ll start reading them this weekend and should have selections made by the end of the month. To submit your story, just send me an email.

***

Going through the dating and marriage routine with Marathon Girl was a very different experience than dating and marrying the late wife. Since I had a fairly successful (albeit short) marriage the first time around, I had a better idea of what qualities any future spouse had to have and what trivial issues I could live with.

For example, something I looked for the second time around was someone who was good with money and could live within a budget. The late wife was pretty good with money (as am I) and it was nice not to have money worries hanging over our marriage. As I started dating again, I realized I’d have a hard time spending my life with someone who had a hard time controlling their spending or mountains of unpaid consumer debt no matter how pretty or smart she was. After getting to know Marathon Girl while we were dating, it was a relief to know she had the same view about finances, money, and spending as me. On the other hand, I could have cared less what kind of music Marathon Girl liked, whether she was a morning or a night person, or liked sushi. Those things weren’t important to me or having a successful marriage.

Sometimes I’ll receive emails from someone who’s dating a widower and even though he’s done a decent job of moving on and treating the new woman like number one, there are other issues that the woman is having a hard time with. For example, the widower may be a complete slob and the woman a neat freak. He may have problems with excessive alcohol consumption, drugs use, or pornography or issues with spending money wisely, getting it on in the bedroom, or finding steady employment. Other times it may boil down to different religious or political views may come between the couple. Whatever the problem is the question that is asked is whether or not it’s worth waiting around to see if he changes.

My advice is always the same: Never settle for a relationship with anyone if the person has any issue or habit you can’t live with. Dating a widower is more than just making sure he’s moved on and is ready to start a new life. It’s about knowing he is someone you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with if he never changes.

We’re all imperfect and have bad habits and issues we’re struggling with. Some people try to improve their lives. Others are happy just the way they are. What you need to decide is whether or not the foibles and imperfections of the widower is something you can live with. When I married Marathon Girl I do assuming that there was a zero change she may never like sushi. Eight years in, she still hates it. However, I knew I could live with her and love her even if she hated it for the rest of our lives together. On the other hand, I knew I was marrying some who had similar values and beliefs as myself—something I couldn’t compromise on if I was going to happily spend the rest of my life with someone.

Life is short. We can choose to live it with someone who we can love or someone who will drive us crazy. Others may like relationship drama, but I prefer waking up next to someone who I can’t wait to spend another day together. Whoever you become involved in a relationship with, at some point you’re going to know whether or not he is someone you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with. It is at that moment we need to have the courage to either live with it or move on. It may not be an easy choice, but it’s one that can have a profound affect on the rest of your life. Therefore, choose wisely.