A stack of dead wood for some politically incorrect fun on Earth Day.
The Third Launch Party and CarbonQ
In celebration of Earth Day, I’ll be having the official launch party of my environmentalism run amok novel, The Third, on Friday, April 22. There will food, prizes, fun, and hayrides! In following the general theme of The Third, I’ll be having a little CarbonQ as part of the party. What’s a CarbonQ? It’s a big bon fire (weather permitting) that will put several hundred pounds of CO2 into the air. Let’s face it, this has been a cold, cold spring here in Utah and it’s about time we did something to get summer here a little faster.
Friends, spouses, significant others and kids are all invited to come too.
Come and have some fun!
When: Friday, April 22, 2011 6:30 – 8:00 p.m.
Where: Stone Family Farm 301 W. 2nd St. Ogden, Utah 84404
What to expect: 6:30 – 7:00 – Start hay rides. Mix and mingle. 7:00 – 7:30 – Prize drawings. Lighting of the fire (weather permitting) I’ll read from a section of The Third while carbon 7:30 – 8:00 – More prize drawings, hay rides, mixing and mingling, and I’ll sign books.
Oh, and if you want to buy a copy of The Third, you can buy a copy for just $10. If not, that’s fine. Just come and have some fun!
Hope to see you there. :-)
Widower Wednesday: Share Your Dating a Widower Story
As I posted last week, my publishers wants my Dating a Widower book. Last week they sent me a book contract and we’re currently in the negotiation stages.
So why am I bring this up (again)?
My publisher has been following my Widower Wednesday columns very closely. They’ve really enjoyed reading experiences that reader like you have shared in the comment sections of the blog as well as two recent posts about dating a widower with minor children still living at home. In order to move the project forward, they want to include a couple of real world stories from women dating widowers with each chapter in the Dating a Widower book.
I think it’s a great idea. Your knowledge and experience will give the book additional real world advice that will make the book even more helpful to those looking for guidance on dating a widower.
The real life examples you submit can be either positive or “learning” dating a widower experiences or something in between. Basically we’re looking for any kind of story that can help women navigate the murky waters that come with dating a widower.
Though you’re welcome to write about any dating a widower topic, we’re especially looking for stories that can answer the following questions:
- How to get your widower to open up and talk to you about your relationship?
- How you overcame insecurities in the bedroom about being compared to the late wife?
- What have widowers done to make you feel like Number 1?
- When did you realize it was time to end the relationship with a widower?
- How did you deal with the widower’s adult children who weren’t accepting of their dad’s new relationship?
- How did you get the widower’s minor children to accept you as the new “mom”?
- How did you deal with special days like the late wife’s birthday, and wedding anniversary and other holidays?
To submit your story for consideration, send me an email. Please keep submissions to 500 words or less. You can submit more than one story but please send them in different emails. (This way I can sort them by topic better.) All submissions must be received by May 13, 2011.
The author of any story that makes it into the book will receive a free copy of the Dating a Widower book up publication. To protect your privacy, you can publish your story under a pen name if you wish.
If you have any questions about submitting a story let me know.
Thanks, and I’m looking forward to reading what you have to share.
Marathon Girl and Her Kindle
For our anniversary back in February I bought Marathon Girl a Kindle
For the first two or three weeks the Kindle went largely untouched because Marathon Girl had a stack of books on her nightstand that she wanted to finish. When she finished those books she picked up the Kindle and started reading the one eBook I bought along with the Kindle. And once she picked it up, hasn’t been able to put it down. Just a few of the things she loves about it include how she can resize the text, never lose her place, and look up words in the online dictionary that she’s not familiar with. Plus she likes the fact that she can download a book with a push of a button instead of having to go to a bookstore or library.
Though I’m happy the gift’s been a huge hit, it’s causing one problem in our otherwise wonderful marriage: there’s only one of them.
Yep, I love the Kindle just as much as Marathon Girl. But since we have only one, a minor (but friendly) argument can break out over who’s turn it is to use it. Alas, since the Kindle belongs to Marathon Girl and she gently reminds me of the books I need to spend time writing, I generally end up with the short end of the stick (a.k.a a paperback). So it looks like I’ll need to get my own Kindle before too long.
The good news is that there’s a rumor floating around that Kindles will be more or less free by Christmas. (First sign this might be true: there’s now an ad-sponsored version of the Kindle for $114.) And even if that turns out to be just a rumor, I’m sure we can save up the money for one by then. Until then I’ll just have to sneak in some personal Kindle time when Marathon Girl’s not looking. :-)
***
And speaking of Kindles, I’ve received many emails asking when The Third will be available in eBook format. Well, The Third is now available on Kindle
Weekend Photograph: Write Here in Ephraim
OK, it's not techincally the weekend, but I might as well post a couple of photos from the Write Here in Ephraim writing conference. I had a great time teaching my memoir writing workshop as well as hanging out with a bunch of author friends and talking to many potential authors.
Just some of the fun auhtors that were part of this event include (back row) Clint Johnson, Bernin Stevens, Cheri Chesley, Michael Young, Jewel Adams, Heather Justesen, Me, Rebecca Talley, Tristi Pinkston (front frow) Linda Gardner, Shirley Bahlmann, Joan Sowards, and Karen Hoover
Me in the middle of my memoir writing presentation.
Where I'm At: Write Here in Ephraim
On Saturday I'll be teaching a memoir writing workshop at the Write Here in Ephraim event in Ephraim, Utah. The event is sponsored by the Ephraim Library and is free and open to the public. It will be held at the old South Ward Chruch at 105 E 200 S. The doors to the event open at 8:30. Workshops start at 9:00 a.m and will run until 5:00 p.m. My workshop, Memoirs: How to Tell Your Story, will start at 9:15 a.m. and run until 10:00 a.m. I'll be showing ways to bring personal stories to life as well as covering the dos and don'ts of memoir writing. I'll also be on an author panel at 3:15 about the path to publication.
Even if you don't want to see me, there are other great authors who will be giving writing tips including Julie Coulter Bellon, Rachelle Christensen, Michael Young, Jewel Adams, Tristi Pinkston, Gregg Luke, Clint Johnson, and more.
Here's a complete schedule:
8:30: Registration
9:00 A.M. WELCOME – PRIZE DRAWING
9:15 A.M.
E-Books - JEWEL ADAMS Welcome to the wonderful world of E-books! Got a great novel you want to publish but can’t find a publisher? Or would you like to have full control of your novel an make it available to purchase until you find a publisher? Or do you just plain not care about finding a publisher and want to fly solo? - E-books aren’t just the future of book reading or a temporary fad, they are here to stay. Learn why you should give publishing E-books a go and take advantage of the wide open market. Come to understand that an E-books isn’t “just an E-books,” they are just as important as traditionally published books. Get tips on how to market your E-books and learn about the numerous outlets in which to sell your books and share your work with the world.
Memoirs: How to Tell Your Story - ABEL KEOGH- Writing a memoir is a great way to share a personal experience. Learn how to bring your story to life in such a way that will wow readers and keep them engrossed from page one to the end. In addition we’ll cover the dos and don’ts of memoir writing as well as how to know whether you have a story that agents, publishers, and readers will want to read.
Fish Slap: What’s your writing motivation? - BRON AND SHIRLEY BAHLMANN Many people say they want to write a book but never follow through. Yet if, say, a fish slapped their face every time they missed a deadline, the result might be the opposite. In the absence of raw fish, what separates the sayers from the doers? A humorous and informative look at various motivational strategies for writing.
10:00 A.M.
"A Serious Look at Comedy" – BERIN STEPHENS
Essential Elements of Suspense – GREGG LUKE: A brief overview of each element and how each contributes to writing nail-biting suspense. Q&A to follow. Key Points covered: Characterization, Pacing, Anticipation, Detailing, Resolution.
Finding Time for our Talents– JULIE COULTER BELLON - Have you ever wished there were more hours in a day? Wondered how you can fit it all in? Is being a writer a dream you have yet to accomplish because you just don't have time? This class will give you some insight, tips, and inspiration on how to maintain that balance of developing your writing talent with the other demands on your time. Julie Coulter Bellon, the author of seven books, a mother of eight children, and a teacher at BYU, will share all her secrets for how to have it all.
10:45 A.M.
My Journey as a Writer and How I Got That Book Published – CHERI CHESLEY
Writing Mystery – JOAN SOWARDS - There is nothing more fun than losing yourself in a great mystery novel than writing one! Every story can have a touch of mystery. Learn the tools, terms, and how to diagram a story, along with basic plotting and good writing elements, no matter if your mystery is a cozy or hard-boiled.
Blog Tours and Book Promotions – It's a Piggyback Ride – RACHELLE CHRISTENSEN - Learn the secrets of effective Internet marketing for you and your products/books including author promotion, blog tours, blog hops, giveaways & more. How can you increase your blog readership and followers? Find out how Rachelle promoted her blog, increased her followers to over 500 in one year and got paid to do it.
11:30 A.M.
Author Panel – Habits of Published Authors –Heather Justesen, Berin Stephens, Rachelle Christensen, Tristi Pinkston, Clint Johnson, Karen Hoover
12:15 –MIX AND MINGLE with guests
1:45 P.M.
Story Construction 101- REBECCA TALLEY - A story needs a strong foundation and certain building blocks to be successful. Learn what you need to include in your blueprint to begin building your story. After we learn what essential materials we'll need, we'll use our tools to begin construction as a class. Come prepared to share your creative ingenuity.
Writing for the Peanut Butter Crowd: Essentials of Picture Book Writing – LINDA GARNER - In this Picture Book Primer you will learn that writing picture books is not necessarily kid stuff. All the rules for good writing apply to picture books but with less margin for error. If you’ve ever wanted to write a picture book, you’ll love this class. “You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children”. Madeleine ‘L Engle
The Long and Short of It: Writing and Selling Short Fiction – MICHAEL YOUNG - Writing and selling short stories is a fun and rewarding way to improve your writing and to gain a readership. Writing short stories, however, takes a different skill set than writing longer works and also are sold in a different way. Learn some of the techniques you'll need to craft quality short fiction and the ins and out of getting it in print.
2:30 P.M.
"Chuck the Junk - Self-Editing for Word Hoarders" – MICHAEL KNUDSEN - Most writers are terrified when they read through their first draft --it can be rough, ugly and bloated with excessive verbiage, lame adverbs, and entire scenes that go nowhere. But there's hope! We'll look at rough text at all levels and toss the dingy bathwater while keeping your baby!
Fragile--Handle With Care: Writing on a Sensitive Subject - LINDA GARNER- -Death, suicide, divorce, abuse, war, depression, drugs, pornography, religion, eating disorders, bullying, hate. Do you have an interest in a subject that is hard to talk about? Just because it’s a sensitive subject doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk about it. The walls are coming down. Lots of people are talking about subjects that used to be taboo. You can write about anything, if you handle with care.
How to Become and Idea Factory- KAREN HOOVER
3:15 P.M.
Author Panel in the Big Room – The Path to Publication: Panelists – Carole Thayne Warburton, Mike Knudsen, Julie Bellon, Rebecca Talley, Abel Keogh, Gregg Luke, Cory Poulson
4:00 P.M.
Children's Literature Game Show – CLINT JOHNSON Simple, Strange, Sophisticated, and Stupid Questions for Smart Kids (and Kids at Heart)--The game show that teaches more than you ever wanted to know about writing and writers, some of which you will certainly regret later. Prove your superiority in a humorous and educational contest that explores the world of children's literature, from its comical quirks to personalities and events that profoundly shaped our world. Numerous participants of all ages are selected from the audience and given the chance to compete for fun and glory and prizes!
5:00 P.M. END
Hope to see you there.
Widower Wednesday: The Late Wife’s Facebook Page
Sorry for the late post today. I’ve been tied up in a bit of good news. My publisher sent a contract over for my Dating a Widower book this morning and I’ve spent some time reading through the contract and doing other Dating a Widower book-related things. There’s still some negotiation that needs to be done before anything is signed but it’s nice to know that an independent third party sees the value and need for this kind of book. Anyway, I’ll post a full update on the book on Monday as I’m going to need help from some of you to make this book a reality.
Now on to today’s column. . . .
A couple weeks ago when I was scanning some photos from my time in Bulgaria, I opened up one of my old photo albums and a picture of me and the late wife fell out. The photo was taken about six months before I left for Sofia and three years before we ended up tying the knot. It was a photo I carried around with me during my two years overseas.
Just seeing a photo of the two of us together took me out of the present and brought my mind back to the days when the photo was taken. I sat for a minute remembering those days (and how young I looked) then put the photo in a back cover of the album and continued with my photo scanning project.
I share this story because I’m increasingly getting emails from women who are having a hard time with the late wife’s Facebook page and/or the widower’s Facebook page. The problem isn’t that these Facebook pages exist but what the widower does on these pages.
When it comes to the late wife’s (memorial) page, for example, the widower’s girlfriend will look at the page and notice that the widower has recently uploaded some photos of the two of them on their page or left a comment on her wall saying how much he loves and misses her. Or on his own page, the widower will post photos of he and the late wife but no photos of he and the new woman exists on the page. Usually the woman talks to the widower about it and he tells her that he loves her and shouldn’t worry about it. The woman then feels like the widower’s actions show he isn’t ready to move and wants to know if she’s making a mountain out of a molehill.
My thoughts: I don’t have a problem with Facebook or memorial pages for the late wife or anyone else. The problem is that memorial pages that are easily accessible by the widower can cause him to focus on the past and what he lost instead of his new relationships and the potential future with that person. It’s too easy to be on Facebook, click over to the LW’s page, and get lost in a flood of memories and good times. I’m sure not all widowers have this problem, but based on the email flowing into my inbox, an increasing number do.
I’m not a big memorial person. I think people are best kept an remembered in one’s heart. Because of this, I have a hard time seeing the point of keeping a page of a deceased person up years after they’re gone. Facebook is something that the livings use—not the dead. If the LW’s Facebook page is causing tension in a relationship, the best solution would be to delete it. (This is something I’m requesting be done within a month of me dying. I will live on through my books, thankyouverymuch.) Deleting the LW’s Facebook page in order to make the new woman feel like #1 wouldn’t be a hard decision for me to make.
I also think it’s a red flag if he’s posting photos of his past on his own Facebook page but not mentioning you or posting photos of him and the new woman he claims to love. To me this is exactly the same as keeping his house full of photos of him and the LW but not posting new photos of the new woman or hiding her from friends and family. If the widower really loves you, he won’t have a hard time letting the world—even Facebook friends he barely knows—know that he loves you.
Just like a 15-year-old photo of me and the late wife sucked me back into the past for a few minutes, Facebook or memorial pages or websites can cause widowers to do the same thing. This can be especially hard for recent widowers or those who haven’t fully committed their hearts to the new woman.
There’s nothing wrong with remembering the past; there’s a time and place for that. It’s not good, however, to live in the past. If Facebook pages, memorial websites, or anything else is causing a widower to live in the past can cause more harm than good. If these are causing a widower to live in the past, it’s time for him to decide what he values more – a page on a website or a relationship with a real person.
Weekend Photograph: April Apocalypse
Feel asleep last night to howling wind and pieces of ice being thrown against the window. Woke up to two inches of snow causing me to think that I'm part of those who say the world will end in ice.
Keeping Me Honest II
A quick update on the Creative Writing goals I made at the beginning of year.
- Positive vibes from the publisher on the Dating a Widower book but no answer as of posting time. Whether they take it or I go the indie publishing route, I hope to have it out before too long
- Slowed down a bit this month on the “White Whale” novel but still good progress was made. I have a month to wrap it up and pitch it at a writing conference in May.
Other Writing Notes
- The Third is officially released on April 8 but Amazon started selling it early. Get a copy before they notice. J
April Appearances
- I’ll be teaching a memoir writing class in Ephraim, Utah on April 9 as part of the Write Here in Ephraim Writer’s Conference. It will take place at 105 E. 200 S. Ephriam, Utah and begins at 9:00 a.m. my memoir writing class begins at 9:15 a.m. If you’re in the area and want to know the ins and outs of memoir writing, you’re welcome to attend. You can download more information here.
- A book launch party for The Third will take place the evening of Earth Day (Friday, April 22 ) in Ogden, Utah. There will be prizes, food, and quite a bit of politically incorrect (but family friendly) fun. You, your spouses, significant others, and kids are all welcome to attend. More details will be coming soon.
Widower Wednesday: Dating a Widower with Minor Children (Part 2)
Last week I shared stories from women dating widowers who had to figure out how to make a relationship when minor children (his, hers, both) were involved. This week we’ll hear from widowers from two widowers who both had minor children living at home when they started dating again. The first is a widowed blogger. The second will go by the name “Jack.”
Again, when it comes to commenting on these posts from others, keep in mind that each family and child is different. What works for one family/child may not work for yours. The purpose here is to share ideas—not tear down what’s working for someone else. Feel free to share your own thoughts or ask questions of these widowers.
Enjoy.
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From Split-Second Single Father
Here's how I have handled dating since becoming a widower. I am the father of a seven-year-old girl, who was five the first time I dated someone after her mother died. I am currently in my second relationship. Both times, I have handled things as follows:
I made sure to tell my daughter about the first date prior to the date itself. We sat down and discussed it (over ice cream) as something that was going to happen once and if things went well, maybe a second and third and fourth time. This approach has also helped when she jumps immediately to the "Aah! You're going to marry her!" phase, which it is clearly too soon to determine at this point. (Although I am quick to tell her that it COULD be a possibility someday or I wouldn't be dating her in the first place!)
So far the relationships I've been in have lasted past the first date, so I make sure to keep the lines of communication open. I want to make sure that my daughter knows her opinions/feelings are important to me, while at the same time knowing that she will not be the ultimate decision-maker in the relationship. I believe that having this kind of communication will help if/when there comes a point when I do decide to marry again. (Ironically, I try to keep this kind of open communication with whomever I'm dating as well, which makes that relationship go a lot better also!)
I'm as firm a believer in protecting my daughter as I am enjoying those first few moments of getting to know someone new, so I don't involve my daughter in the relationship early on (but I do talk to each about the other, as appropriate). And even then, I ease her in. It's important to build the foundation for the relationship between the two of you, and that's hard to do with kids around. Plus, it protects the child/ren from getting hurt time and again if Dad has a string of disappointing relationships. The time-frame has been different for each relationship, but I'd say waiting at least a month is a good rule of thumb.
In saying that, it becomes clear that time spent with the new woman will be minimal at first. That's another thing the two of you (grown-ups, not the child/ren) need to discuss. The first woman I dated worked all the time and was also a single parent, so we only had one night a week we could go out.
The woman I am currently dating does neither of those things, but has been fully committed to taking things slowly. Which is why I make every effort to make the time we do spend together about her/us. After all, it IS a new relationship. There's no reason she should feel second-rate because I have a child. Supplementing those other days with phone calls, texts, and/or e-mails helps too. Just make sure not to spend so much time focusing on her that your child/ren feel replaced - especially at first. (For instance I usually call my girlfriend after my daughter is in bed for the night, which also makes for uninterrupted phone time!)
The rules regarding how my daughter treats the woman do not differ from how I would expect her to treat any other adult. She will show respect both to her and about her, even if she is expressing negative opinions (to me - which has happened and really can be done respectfully.)
One thing that has surprised me this time around is how quickly my daughter has started to bond with my girlfriend. It makes me glad that I waited long enough to establish that foundation in our relationship, but it's also a bit hard. I mean, she's been ALL MINE for over four years and now I have to SHARE her! (If things continue to go this well, I'm sure I can adjust). Just be aware that your widower might be experiencing that feeling for the first time as well.
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From “Jack”
My first venture out into dating just seven months after LW's death quickly became not 'just dating'. I found myself with one woman (the first one I dated after LW passing) in a very romantic relationship. It was because we had known one another many years before. But also, I think, it happened as it did because I was filling that void left by LW's death. I was not out with a plant to use a woman to fill that void and I honestly think if I had not known this woman before earlier in my life, the relationship would not have fast-forwarded as it did.
At the time I had two minor sons still with me in the home, ages 12 and 16. I made the mistake of pushing forward with this relationship and spent probably too many weekends away from my boys as she lived several hours away. As the relationship progressed to marriage engagement, I made plans to move to her city after the oldest son graduated from high school where I lived. My plan, which did not take my younger son's needs into consideration, was to marry this woman and then young son and I would move to her home and the son would do high school in the new city. A wonderful plan for me. A selfish one though.
My youngest son did not complain. I learned later he suffered in silence at the prospect of moving. In the end, the relationship was not to be for several reasons, the engagement broke off and I found “Anne” a year later online. As that first relationship ended, then my youngest opened up and it became apparent he really had not wanted to leave the local schools for a strange new environment with no friends or siblings nearby. Gee....why didn't I think of that???? I realized how selfish I had been. I was just going to pluck him out of the school system he had enjoyed since 2nd grade and not allow him to finish high school with his buddies. I had rationalized big time that the school system in the new city was one of the most well respected in the region and he would prosper there. But actually, there is nothing at all wrong with our local school. The realization of what I almost had done to my boy, (my baby) poured shame all over me.
Anne, on the other hand, has made no immediate demands. She wants us to take our time to be sure that all our children, hers and mine, are accommodated as our relationship matures, especially the most vulnerable, my youngest son. So youngest son has fully accepted Anne being in his dad's life because she is not a threat. She cares about his well-being and he respects her for it.
I understand that some W's perhaps tip the scale in the other direction too much, meaning they acquiesce too often to bratty children and rude LW family members at the expense of feelings of the GOW or WOW. But on the other hand, there is my case. Through this experience I learned that a W (me) can become self-centered as he pushes onward to fill that void left by LW's death. A very special GOW (as in the case of my Anne) can step in and be a wonderful partner and wise aid to a W like me who needs to be 'reined in' occasionally to be sure 'the kids are all right'.