Government Bureaucrats and For-Profit Schools

Driving home from work this week, I caught a story on NPR about government regulators and culinary schools. Apparently regulators are upset that students are graduating with loads of debt and entry-level jobs that can’t pay off their loans.

[Roger] Hollis says he has taken out thousands of dollars in student loans to pay for an associate degree in cooking. Despite his work experience and his expensive degree, he'll still be starting at the bottom, as a line cook. "Twelve, 15 [dollars] maybe an hour, yeah."

Many former students say that with that income, it's virtually impossible to keep up with their student loan payments. Newbies may spend years as a line cook; the average salary, according to the online industry magazine Star Chefs, is less than $29,000 a year.

Attorney Michael Louis Kelly represents California students suing the parent company of Cordon Blue, Career Education Corp. His clients say the school promised something it cannot deliver.

"The model doesn't work," Kelly says. "You can't go to school, accumulate $30- or $40- or $50,000 in debt, and then go into an industry where you're going to have to start out at $8 or $12 an hour anyway."

Why are government regulators worried only about students who attend for-profit schools? There are plenty of public and private schools who churn out graduates with loads of debt and little or no job prospects. Last year The New York Times ran a story about Cortney Munna, a former New York University student who racked up $97,000 in student loan debt majoring in religious and women’s studies. After college she found herself making $22 an hour working for a photographer. Back in January the same paper ran a similar story about law school graduates with hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt who are unable to find work (or at least work as an attorney) and, as a result, can’t come close to paying back their loans. Shouldn’t government regulators be just as concerned about the cost and job prospects of private and state sponsored non-profit schools as they are about for profit schools?

The education industrial complex generally oversells the value of a degree. It’s something that public institutions do as much as for-profit universities. Kids go through the school system school hearing how a college degree will lead to great jobs and financial security. While this is statistically true in broad terms, rarely do you see these educators showing the market value of a science or engineering degree compared to, say, a liberal arts degree. I’m not saying that college degrees are worthless. It’s just that some have more market value than others.

Students looking to finance their education through student loans should be shown the cost of paying off the loan and realistic job prospects and pay upon graduation and be given some time to think about whether or not the cost is worth it. However, it’s hypocritical for Washington bureaucrats to zero in on just for-profit institutions when you have students graduating from state-sponsored institutions with loads of debt and job prospects that are no better than those who graduate from a for-profit culinary school.

Besides, a degree from any post-secondary education facility—public, private, trade, or for-profit—only goes so far toward financial or career success. In reality one’s work ethic, creativity, and ability to build relationships and adapt to a changing world are much better indicators whether or not you’re going to be successful—financially or otherwise. Instead of focusing on the value of a degree, students and post-secondary schools should teach the aforementioned concepts along with their degree-related material.  The schools and their graduates would be much better off as a result.

Widower Wednesday: Translating Widower Behavior

In the comment section of my last column a few of you asked for insight on dating a widower with minor children at home. A few months ago, I published a column on the subject. However, I don’t know if it was very helpful. Though I feel confident about addressing most widower issues, I have a hard time with the minor children one. I’m not sure why I feel this way about the subject. Maybe it’s because I I’d have no clue what I’d do if Marathon Girl were to die (heaven forbid) and I found myself a widowed father of four young kids. Maybe it’s because every kid is his or her own person and parenting needs to be tailored to the unique personality and needs of a child. Whatever the reason, this is the one widower-related area I don’t feel confident about dishing out advice.

So, I have an idea. Those who have ideas or experience in what works or doesn’t work with dating a widower with minor children and/or blending families with minor children, send me an email with your thoughts on the subject and I’ll post them in a future column. I’ll post your insight under your first name, pen name, or anonymously. Just write up something between 100 and 300 words on the subject and I’ll combine them into one column or two—depending on how many publishable responses I receive.

Sound like a good idea? Great. Now on to today’s Widower Wednesday column.

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I’ve receive a lot of emails asking me to interpret the odd or strange behavior of widowers exhibit in relationship situations. As a result, I’ve come up with a guide that cuts through the BS of the most common situation s and lets you know what the widower’s really saying.

Odd Widower Behavior: After fawning all over a woman and telling her how much he loves her, the widower withdraws from the relationship and tells the women he a) wants to date other women b) needs more time to grieve or c) isn’t sure how he feels about the relationship. In all three cases he usually asks the woman to wait around while he figures things out.

What the Widower Means to Say: I jumped in to the relationship too fast and now realize it’s not right for me. However, I’m not man enough to be honest with you about this. Also, it’s a lonely world we live in. In case I can’t find someone else I want you waiting in the wings so I have someone to come back with.

Odd Widower Behavior: Despite being in a committed/exclusive relationship and telling the woman how much he loves her, the widower cries nearly every day over his late wife and/or visits her grave or special place at least once a week and/or continually steers the conversation to likes, tastes, and thoughts of the late wife.

What the Widower Means to Say: I’ve got some serious grief issues. I’m probably not even ready for a committed relationship. As long as you put up with this behavior, I’ll keep grieving. P.S. Please keep tolerating my grief because I sure as hell can’t deal with reality on my own.

Odd Widower Behavior:  After sleeping with a widower for the first time, the widower breaks off the relationship the next day saying he isn’t ready for a relationship.

What the Widower Means to Say: I was just using you for sex. Now I’m off to my next conquest!

Odd Widower Behavior: The widower tells a woman how much he loves her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Yet he always hides or lies about the relationship to friends/family/loved ones. He may even ask the woman to hide in the basement when friends unexpectedly drop by.

What the Widower Means to Say: I value the feelings of my friends/family/loved ones more than I value my relationship with you. I’m spineless and dishonest. Thanks for staying with me.

Odd Widower Behavior: Despite patiently waiting for a widower to get over his grief the widower still won’t make any long-term relationship commitments or discuss the future of the relationship. The widower also refuses do things that will make the woman feel like number one. As a result the woman constantly feels like number two or a third wheel.

What the Widower Means to Say: I don’t know how I feel about you. However, I didn’t realize how long I could string out a relationship using the grief excuse. Why didn’t I think of this excuse years ago? I love that no one questions or confronts my bad relationship behavior because I’m a widower. I’m going to keep this up as long as possible.

Pre-Order The Third

If you look across the menu bar of my website, you’ll notice a new link: Store. Yes, I’ve finally migrated my store to my website. This means that those who have been wanting to, can now pre-order a copy of The Third before the official release date. Just click here to start shopping. Though I don’t know when I’ll get my copies, anything order before the end of the month will be shipped before the book hits store shelves. I’ll even personalize it to you or whoever you’re giving a copy to.

You can also pre-order copies from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or your local bookstore.

For those who prefer e-readers, though I don’t have an exact release date yet, e-book versions (Kindle, Nook, etc.) of The Third will be available sometime before the end of April.

If you live outside the United States and Canada and would like to pre-order a copy of The Third, drop me an email. I have some options in order to get the book shipped out to you in an affordable, timely manner.

Widower Wednesday: Memorial Tattoos

In the spirit of walking the walk when it comes to putting your spouse first, Marathon Girl and I took a trip to southern Utah, without the kids(!), for three days last week. It was a great chance to rest, relax, and put each other first. Our relationship is stronger because of it. I highly recommend planning a getaway with your own spouse if you feel the relationship needs it.

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Last week I received an email from a woman who is dating a widower (wife died 2 years ago, they’ve been dating 15 months) who is doing everything right. He’s made her feel like #1 through his actions (as opposed to his words), and done everything he can to provide a safe, loving home for her and her children, and recently proposed. She’s looking forward to a long and happy life with this man.

There’s only one problem. There’s a small memorial tattoo (a heart with the late wife’s initials inside the heart) on the widower’s chest. Every time the woman sees the tattoo it serves as a reminder of his past love and life with her. Though she’s accepted his past and past marriage and the fact that he will always love her, the constant reminder is driving her crazy.

She’s talked about the tattoo with the widower. He doesn’t see a problem with keeping it. He says it was something he got when he thought he’d never love again and doesn’t think it’s something that needs to go. He also doesn’t want to go through the pain of having it removed.

The woman doesn’t want to lose this great man but doesn’t know if she can live seeing the tattoo every day for the rest of her life and wanted to know if she should learn to live with it or cut and run before she goes nuts.

My thoughts: If the tattoo bothers you that much, then maybe it’s best to move on. You’ve had 15 months to adjust to the tattoo and apparently it’s bothering you more now than the first time you saw it. Just keep in mind that you might be losing an otherwise great guy. I’m not faulting you for feeling this way (Marathon Girl wouldn’t have married me if I had one) just asking you to weigh the pros and cons of ending things over the tattoo.

However, I’m wondering if a compromise can be reached. Have you asked him about altering the tattoo? What if he filled in the heart or altered it in some other way so it obscures the late wife’s initials or doesn’t look like a memorial tattoo. Seems like that way he keeps the tattoo but turns it into something that’s not just a reminder of his past life. Maybe the two of you could visit the parlor where it was done and see if the people there have some ideas or options for the two of you to consider.

From your email, he seems like a great guy—a cut above most widowers who start dating again. If it’s just the tattoo and only the tattoo issue that’s bothering you then I’d try to find a way around it. It sounds like you have a relationships where you talk to each other, bring it up. See if the two of you can find a solution that makes you both happy.

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I know there are women who read this column who are with or dated widowers with memorial tattoos. How did you guys deal with it? Any suggestions on how to resolve this issue?

Weekend Photograph: When Books Commit Suicide

I know, I know. These Weekend Photograph posts are susposed to contain origional photos of mine. But I'm without Internet access this weekend and had to schedule something to post at the last minute. I saw the following on author David J. West's blog last week and it cracked me up. Next week I'll post something origional which will not only be cool but explain why I went three whole days without a computer or Internet access. Promise!

Widower Wednesday: Starting a New Life

After reading the post about Marathon Girl and me celebrating our 8th wedding anniversary, I got an email from a reader expressing frustration with the widower she’s dating. She asked how Marathon Girl and I were able to overcome the widower issue and make things work.

That’s a good question and one I didn’t have an answer to off the top of my head. After mulling it over the last couple days, I think the biggest reason it worked out was because we both wanted it to work out. Once we both realized that we wanted spend the rest of our lives together, we did everything we could to make it work.

I moved on because I wanted to start a new life with Marathon Girl. I wanted to open my heart to her. I wanted to marry her, have a family with her, and spend the rest of my life with her. Because I wanted to do this, it wasn’t hard to assign the late wife a small, special place in my heart give the rest of it to Marathon Girl, and then go out and actually start a new chapter in my life.

Marathon Girl wanted to marry me but wasn’t going to settle for being number two or feeling like there were three people in our marriage. Once she saw that I was moving on (and not just talking it up), it was easier to accept my past and the fact that a small part of my heart would be always reserved for the late wife.

It also meant we both had to be willing make some sacrifices. For me it meant selling my house and moving to a place where we could start over. It meant that I wouldn’t spend as much time with friends and family of the late wife as I did in my old life. For Marathon Girl it meant a longer commute to work and postponing graduate school for awhile. We were willing to do all that and more because we valued our relationship (and future marriage) over everything else.

Looking back, I don’t have any regrets about putting Marathon Girl first. (I assume she’d say the same thing.)  By making her number one, we’ve been able to overcome the ups and downs that come with any relationship and will continue to do so as long we make each other a priority over everything else.

There are a lot of things that make our marriage work. But when it comes to the widower issue, it took both of us moving forward, making sacrifices, and starting a new life together. You both have to want to do these three things and then go out and do it (as opposed to just talking about it). If only one person in a relationship is willing to do those three things, then odds are it’s not going to work out.

Keeping Me Honest

A quick update on the Creative Writing goals I made at the beginning of year.

  • The Dating a Widower manuscript is now in the hands of my publisher. No word yet on whether or not they’ve accepted it. Hope to have an update by my next monthly update.
  • The Third is scheduled for an April release. More details will be forthcoming. In addition to being available on Amazon, bookstores, and e-book format, I’ll also be selling personalized copies from my improved online store for those who want one. The new store will be up within the next two weeks.
  • Worked out the kinks with the “White Whale” book I’ll be pitching in May. With plot and character problems mostly worked out, I’m hoping to make more progress and have a first draft completed by the end of the month.

For more information on these and other writing projects, keep your eye on this blog or join my mailing list if you want the scoop before anyone else.

8 Years and Counting

Seven Years Together

Eight years ago, Marathon Girl and I took each other by the hand and become husband and wife. There is no one I’d rather have by my side through the ups and downs that is part of life. I’m looking forward to spending the rest of our lives and eternity together. I couldn't ask for a better companion.

Thanks for eight great years, sweetheart. Looking forward to the next eighty with you.