Pre-Order The Third

If you look across the menu bar of my website, you’ll notice a new link: Store. Yes, I’ve finally migrated my store to my website. This means that those who have been wanting to, can now pre-order a copy of The Third before the official release date. Just click here to start shopping. Though I don’t know when I’ll get my copies, anything order before the end of the month will be shipped before the book hits store shelves. I’ll even personalize it to you or whoever you’re giving a copy to.

You can also pre-order copies from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or your local bookstore.

For those who prefer e-readers, though I don’t have an exact release date yet, e-book versions (Kindle, Nook, etc.) of The Third will be available sometime before the end of April.

If you live outside the United States and Canada and would like to pre-order a copy of The Third, drop me an email. I have some options in order to get the book shipped out to you in an affordable, timely manner.

Widower Wednesday: Memorial Tattoos

In the spirit of walking the walk when it comes to putting your spouse first, Marathon Girl and I took a trip to southern Utah, without the kids(!), for three days last week. It was a great chance to rest, relax, and put each other first. Our relationship is stronger because of it. I highly recommend planning a getaway with your own spouse if you feel the relationship needs it.

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Last week I received an email from a woman who is dating a widower (wife died 2 years ago, they’ve been dating 15 months) who is doing everything right. He’s made her feel like #1 through his actions (as opposed to his words), and done everything he can to provide a safe, loving home for her and her children, and recently proposed. She’s looking forward to a long and happy life with this man.

There’s only one problem. There’s a small memorial tattoo (a heart with the late wife’s initials inside the heart) on the widower’s chest. Every time the woman sees the tattoo it serves as a reminder of his past love and life with her. Though she’s accepted his past and past marriage and the fact that he will always love her, the constant reminder is driving her crazy.

She’s talked about the tattoo with the widower. He doesn’t see a problem with keeping it. He says it was something he got when he thought he’d never love again and doesn’t think it’s something that needs to go. He also doesn’t want to go through the pain of having it removed.

The woman doesn’t want to lose this great man but doesn’t know if she can live seeing the tattoo every day for the rest of her life and wanted to know if she should learn to live with it or cut and run before she goes nuts.

My thoughts: If the tattoo bothers you that much, then maybe it’s best to move on. You’ve had 15 months to adjust to the tattoo and apparently it’s bothering you more now than the first time you saw it. Just keep in mind that you might be losing an otherwise great guy. I’m not faulting you for feeling this way (Marathon Girl wouldn’t have married me if I had one) just asking you to weigh the pros and cons of ending things over the tattoo.

However, I’m wondering if a compromise can be reached. Have you asked him about altering the tattoo? What if he filled in the heart or altered it in some other way so it obscures the late wife’s initials or doesn’t look like a memorial tattoo. Seems like that way he keeps the tattoo but turns it into something that’s not just a reminder of his past life. Maybe the two of you could visit the parlor where it was done and see if the people there have some ideas or options for the two of you to consider.

From your email, he seems like a great guy—a cut above most widowers who start dating again. If it’s just the tattoo and only the tattoo issue that’s bothering you then I’d try to find a way around it. It sounds like you have a relationships where you talk to each other, bring it up. See if the two of you can find a solution that makes you both happy.

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I know there are women who read this column who are with or dated widowers with memorial tattoos. How did you guys deal with it? Any suggestions on how to resolve this issue?

Weekend Photograph: When Books Commit Suicide

I know, I know. These Weekend Photograph posts are susposed to contain origional photos of mine. But I'm without Internet access this weekend and had to schedule something to post at the last minute. I saw the following on author David J. West's blog last week and it cracked me up. Next week I'll post something origional which will not only be cool but explain why I went three whole days without a computer or Internet access. Promise!

Widower Wednesday: Starting a New Life

After reading the post about Marathon Girl and me celebrating our 8th wedding anniversary, I got an email from a reader expressing frustration with the widower she’s dating. She asked how Marathon Girl and I were able to overcome the widower issue and make things work.

That’s a good question and one I didn’t have an answer to off the top of my head. After mulling it over the last couple days, I think the biggest reason it worked out was because we both wanted it to work out. Once we both realized that we wanted spend the rest of our lives together, we did everything we could to make it work.

I moved on because I wanted to start a new life with Marathon Girl. I wanted to open my heart to her. I wanted to marry her, have a family with her, and spend the rest of my life with her. Because I wanted to do this, it wasn’t hard to assign the late wife a small, special place in my heart give the rest of it to Marathon Girl, and then go out and actually start a new chapter in my life.

Marathon Girl wanted to marry me but wasn’t going to settle for being number two or feeling like there were three people in our marriage. Once she saw that I was moving on (and not just talking it up), it was easier to accept my past and the fact that a small part of my heart would be always reserved for the late wife.

It also meant we both had to be willing make some sacrifices. For me it meant selling my house and moving to a place where we could start over. It meant that I wouldn’t spend as much time with friends and family of the late wife as I did in my old life. For Marathon Girl it meant a longer commute to work and postponing graduate school for awhile. We were willing to do all that and more because we valued our relationship (and future marriage) over everything else.

Looking back, I don’t have any regrets about putting Marathon Girl first. (I assume she’d say the same thing.)  By making her number one, we’ve been able to overcome the ups and downs that come with any relationship and will continue to do so as long we make each other a priority over everything else.

There are a lot of things that make our marriage work. But when it comes to the widower issue, it took both of us moving forward, making sacrifices, and starting a new life together. You both have to want to do these three things and then go out and do it (as opposed to just talking about it). If only one person in a relationship is willing to do those three things, then odds are it’s not going to work out.

Keeping Me Honest

A quick update on the Creative Writing goals I made at the beginning of year.

  • The Dating a Widower manuscript is now in the hands of my publisher. No word yet on whether or not they’ve accepted it. Hope to have an update by my next monthly update.
  • The Third is scheduled for an April release. More details will be forthcoming. In addition to being available on Amazon, bookstores, and e-book format, I’ll also be selling personalized copies from my improved online store for those who want one. The new store will be up within the next two weeks.
  • Worked out the kinks with the “White Whale” book I’ll be pitching in May. With plot and character problems mostly worked out, I’m hoping to make more progress and have a first draft completed by the end of the month.

For more information on these and other writing projects, keep your eye on this blog or join my mailing list if you want the scoop before anyone else.

8 Years and Counting

Seven Years Together

Eight years ago, Marathon Girl and I took each other by the hand and become husband and wife. There is no one I’d rather have by my side through the ups and downs that is part of life. I’m looking forward to spending the rest of our lives and eternity together. I couldn't ask for a better companion.

Thanks for eight great years, sweetheart. Looking forward to the next eighty with you.

Weekend Photograph: Bulgaria, January 1997

An anti-governmnet demonstration, Sofia, Bulgaria, January 1997

The recent unrest in the Middle East has made me think back to Bulgaria. The first year I was there, the economy started collapsing. By January 1997 the country was faced with triple-digit inflation and food shortages; Bulgarians reached their breaking point. Mass demonstrations broke out and the people called for early elections. Though there was some minor violence when the demonstrations first stared, for the most part it was peaceful. The unrest went on about a month before the socialist government finally caved in.

It was an interesting time to live in Sofia. Watching people peacefully take their country back was something I'll never forget and a reminder that a government can only exist so long as the majority of people are willing to recognize its authority.

Widower Wednesday: Grief Counseling

 

An emailer writes:

My [widower] boyfriend has a lot of feelings of anger/guilt/frustration/sadness that surfaces now a little more frequently than it did in the beginning of our relationship. I'm realizing he may not be ready for a relationship, sadly, just yet. However, in general, I do believe he could greatly benefit from grief counseling/therapy. I've mentioned this idea to him a couple times (as have many people), and he seems resistant to it. My question: is it a bad idea to continue to push this idea?

Don’t push it. Sending someone to grief counseling who doesn’t want to go is just as effective as a sending a drug or alcohol addict who hasn’t hit bottom to rehab. In order for any kind of counseling to even be remotely effective the person has to be willing to accept help. If your boyfriend doesn’t want it, pushing it is only going to make him resent you and others who are suggesting it.

I’m not a big fan of grief counseling. I think it’s been oversold as a solution to those who have lost a loved one. The loss of a spouse doesn’t make you a victim who requires professional help. Most people can work through the loss of their spouse without the help of a professional. Most people are better off without it.

From what I’ve read 6 to 12 months after a loss of a loved one, most people are doing just fine. Only 10% of widows/widowers will need some sort of grief counseling and generally they’re the ones who are still grieving after a year after their spouse passed.

There’s a new book by journalist Ruth Davis Konigsberg called The Truth About Grief: The Myth of the Five Stages and The New Science of Loss. Though I haven’t had the time to read it yet, Annie has read it and written a great summary of the book on her blog.  From what I’ve read on her blog and elsewhere, it seems to mirror my own conclusions from 2005 that grief counseling doesn’t benefit most people and it could be holding some people back from moving on.

Update: A reader, Ted, sent a link from a recent Time magainze article by Kongsberg. It's a good read. An excerpt:

Our modern, atomized society had been stripped of religious faith and ritual and no longer provided adequate support for the bereaved. And so a new belief system — call it the American Way of Grief — rose up to help organize the experience. As this system grew more firmly established, it allowed for less variation in how to handle the pain of loss. So while conventions for mourning, such as wearing black armbands or using black-bordered stationery, have all but disappeared, they have been replaced by conventions for grief, which are arguably more restrictive in that they dictate not what a person wears or does in public but his or her inner emotional state. Take, for example, the prevailing notion that you must give voice to your loss or else it will fester. "Telling your story often and in detail is primal to the grieving process," Kübler-Ross advised in her final book, On Grief and Grieving, which was published in 2005, a year after her death. "You must get it out. Grief must be witnessed to be healed." This mandate borrows from the psychotherapeutic principle of catharsis, which gives it an empirical gloss, when in fact there is little evidence that "telling your story" helps alleviate suffering.