Scooby-Doo: Bridging the Generation Gap

Back when I was five or so my favorite cartoon was Scooby-Doo. I remember watching the episodes over and over again on the black-and-white television in my dad’s art studio while he worked on his art projects. My brother liked the cartoon too. One Halloween my mom made me a Scooby-Doo outfit and my brother a Scrappy-Doo outfit. (The photo she took of us in those costumes is still one of my favorite childhood photos.)

Fast forward 30 years. I have four kids. The oldest three (ages 6, 5, and 4) are the same age I was back in the late 1970s/early 1980s when I liked Scooby-Doo. What’s their favorite thing to watch on TV or stream from Netflix? Episodes of Scooby-Doo.

The other night, too tired to write, I sat down and watch an episode with them. I was a little surprised that the writers are still using the same formulaic. Yes, the show’s been updated. The characters use cell phones and computers, but they still dress the same and drive The Mystery Machine. The bad guy always dress up in monster costumes, Scooby and Shaggy are still cowards, eat like pigs, and manage to stay thin, and the villain always says that he/she “would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you meddling kids” at the end of every episode.

But why mess with something that’s not broken? I liked it 30 years ago and my kids like it now. (My oldest has a Mystery Machine lunch box he takes to school every day.) In fact the new episodes are just as fun as the ones I remember watching as a kid. If anything, it’s nice to have something like Scooby-Doo that stretches across generations. I know who Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy, and Scooby are, I’m happy to get my kids “Scooby snacks” from the treat cupboard, or laugh with them at the silly slapstick humor in every episode.

Kudos to those who have been able to keep the show alive in various incarnations over the years. May it still be around when I have grandkids that are old enough to enjoy it too.

Widower Wednesday: Why do Widowers Start New Relationships so Quickly?

Today’s Widower Wednesday column comes from a comment that was posted on my Dating and Marriage: One Regret post. I thought the commenter asked some good questions and raised some interesting points. So I’m going to post her comment below with my thoughts in italics.

“Daughter of a Widower” writes:

I stumbled across this website trying to find information to help me understand my recently widowed dad's new relationship. Mainly, I'm struggling with...Why does it seem like men in particular feel comfortable starting new relations so quickly (I know that's relative) after their wives have died?

I know this site is meant for women who are dating widowers, but as an adult, female child of a widower I felt I could offer a perspective on this topic that maybe hasn't been addressed before.

Excellent question. You’re correct that it hasn’t been addressed in-depth on this blog. (Side note: It is discussed in my upcoming Dating a Widower book.) So here’s my take on why widower start dating soon after their wife dies.

Most men, especially men who have spent a long time married to someone they love, find that their lives lose a lot of the richness and purpose it held once their wife passes on. Frankly, most widowers don’t know what to do with themselves when their wives are gone. In order to put some meaning back in their lives they try to “fix” their life by finding another woman who can add some meaning they feel is missing. I felt that way and a lot of the widower’s I’ve talked to had similar feelings. Just because they start dating weeks or months after their wife dies doesn’t mean that they don’t love her. Instead, they’re simply trying to fix a part of their life that feels broken in the most logical way they can think of.

I read the post by "Bob" whose 15 year old daughter is taking his dating very hard. I truly feel for this poor girl. I really don't think guys understand the complex impact starting a new relationship will have on the women in their lives.

The following has been my experience in the last few days since "the news broke"...

• I (the only daughter in the family) was stunned and confused, but determined not to judge, then I cried.
• My brothers are "supportive" and/or "happy" for my dad.
• My sister-in-law cried when she found out.
• My husband sort of smiled, nervously, not knowing what to say.
• My son said, "that's weird" and moved on.
• My two daughters cried.

And so I started to wonder about this reaction that seemed to be unique to the women affected by this new relationship. I've come to realize that what we are feeling is akin to (but not exactly) betrayal. Even though in our conscious minds we know he needs to move forward, we are caught off guard. And with this new "relationship" we are smacked in the face with the realization that what was supposed to be forever has come to an end, suddenly it seems. Deep inside of us women we wonder, 'is it that easy to move on when we go?' And that is frightening and extremely sad for us.

I think your right that women tend to have a harder time accepting the new relationship than men. I actually like the word betrayal even though the emotion is more complicated than that. (There’s a good deal of grief thrown in there too.)

One thing to remember is that the world will keep moving on after someone dies. Yes, the world may stop for a day or two—at least for those who knew the person; but it will quickly start back up again. The deceased will always live on in the hearts of this who knew him or her but this world is meant for the living—not the dead. It will continue to move forward whether we’re breathing or not. The question for those left behind is whether or not we’re going to move on with it.

So, to you ladies who are dating widowers with young children or adult children, especially if it has been less than a full year of seasons that would mark milestones in their mother's life, do not be surprised if you are not fully accepted into the family right away, especially by the women in your new boyfriend's life. You must try to understand the loss that they feel (for their mother and for their parents' relationship that will never again continue as it was). And, unfortunately, in many ways that are probably unfair in your mind, you will be for some time the "other woman" in ours.

I, for one, am hoping and praying that my feelings change.

I understand where you’re coming from. A lot of my family and friends had similar feelings when I was dating again. It’s a natural reaction that most people have—especially those who are still grieving the deceased.

In defense of the women dating widowers, it seems like those who email me understand that the widower’s friends and family may not be ready to see the widower with a new woman. Often meeting the widower’s family and spending time with them is just as hard for them as it is for you.

That being said, if you want to think of your dad’s (or brother, uncle, etc.) new woman as “the other woman” that’s fine. However, this doesn’t justify the rude comments or remarks or other things that are purposely done to make the new woman feel uncomfortable or she doesn’t belong or is somehow responsible for your dad dating again. I’m not saying you have or will do this. It’s interested that the widower’s or late wife’s family usually takes their grief and feelings of betrayal out on the new woman instead of the widower. If anyone reading this blog is upset with that their dad (or brother, uncle, etc.) is dating again, then talk to him about it instead of taking your feelings out on the woman’s he’s with.

Annoying Christmas Songs

According to the Associated Press, Bulgarians find Wham's Last Christmas to be the most annoying Christmas song--ever.

An advertising agency says nearly 19 percent of the 28,110 votes cast in an online poll named the song. It was recorded in 1984 by the British duo Wham, made up of George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley.

Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas placed second among the ten featured songs, with more than 15 percent of the vote.

Considering how much annoying US/UK music they played when I was over there, I must admit I'm impressed with the poll. Admittedly I'm a grinch when it comes to Christmas songs; there are very few that I acutally enjoy. However, the two mentioned above would probably make my top 10 list along with Merry Christmas With Love  by Clay Aiken, Christmas Conga by Cyndi Lauper, Wonderful Christmas Time by Paul McCartney, and Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas) by John Denver.

Watch the holiday horror show below--if you dare. :-)

(Hat Tip: C. R.)

Ads in E-books: Resistance is Futile

The Wall Street Journal reports that marketers are looking for ways to put ads in e-books.

Marketers are exploring a variety of formats, including sponsorships that give readers free books. Videos, graphics or text with an advertiser's message that appear when a person first starts a book or along the border of the digital pages are also in the works. Ads can be targeted based on the book's content and the demographic and profile information of the reader.

The advertising business has dabbled with books before without much success as authors howled and revenues proved skimpy. It's not clear that readers and authors would be more accepting now.

But with sales of bound books under pressure, the introduction of sleek e-readers and the emergence in the industry of such big players as Apple Inc., Amazon.com Inc. and Google Inc. is fueling new enthusiasm for e-book advertising.

No doubt there’re a lot of readers and authors who will start kicking and screaming once ads start appearing in e-books. My guess is that a lot of weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth will go away once readers are offered discounts or other incentives to buy books with ads in them and authors realize they can make some extra cash by allowing them in their books.

As the Borg famously stated, “Resistance is futile.”

Unintended Consequences

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

(Hat Tip: The Daily Bayonet)

Songs That Make Me Feel Old

I just found out Adam Sandler's origional Chanukah song was originally performed back in 1994. I knew the first performance was from the 1990's but for some reason I thought it was from the latter half of the decade. Knowing that the song was performed 16 years ago makes me feel old but not as old as I'll feel when I'll hear the song 10 years from now and my kids will ask me who David Lee Roth, Arthur Fonzarelli, O.J. Simpson, and Rod Carew are.

Widower Wednesday: Making New Holiday Traditions

 

From the emails in my inbox this last week, appears that one of the big holiday stressors for women dating widowers is being involved in holiday traditions that the widower and the late wife shared. It could be small things like where to buy a Christmas tree and what Christmas party to attend to bigger issues like where they spend the holidays or when to open Christmas presents. Of course, the big commonality (and stressor) is that these women share is that the widowers insist that these traditions must be maintained and refuses to compromise or consider doing something different.

Committed relationships bring a lot of adjustments for widowers. Some adjustments are hard to make if they’ve become accustomed to doing things one way or another year after year. I was only married just shy of three years to the late wife but had already become used to the way we did things. I didn’t realize this until my first holiday season with Marathon Girl when she started making suggestions on what she wanted to do during the holidays. It was so unlike how the late wife that most of the holiday season felt different. I don’t mean to imply that the holiday season was worse. It wasn’t. Instead there were a lot of mental and internal changes I had to make in order to enjoy the new season. I share this because a lot of these widowers might be having a hard time doing things differently during the holidays—especially if they’ve spent 20 years or more so doing things a certain way. Change is harder for some than for others.

What concerns me is when the widower refuses to compromise or doesn’t see why he should have to spend the holidays doing something different.  For example one woman wrote to me and talked about how the widower wanted to spend Christmas in California because that’s what they, meaning he and the late wife, always did. While she wasn’t opposed to spending the holidays away from home, she suggested that they go somewhere just as sunny and warm as California, he refused and said that it wouldn’t be Christmas unless they spent a week in a certain town.

My first suggestion in these situations is, as always, to talk to the widower and see why he feels strongly about uphlding certain holiday traditions. Hopefully he’ll be willing to at least add some of yours to the list or create one or two new ones that the two of you can call your own. If he refuses to budge, it indicates a larger problem like not being ready to move on or having difficulty adjusting to the new life. Whatever the reason for his refusal to compromise, it doesn’t bode well for your relationship. You may want to consider spending the holidays with friends and family who can make this time of year more enjoyable.

On a side note, I’m more tolerant of keeping traditions when there are minor children at home—especially if their mom is recently deceased—since traditions can give them some sort of normalcy to hold on too without their mom at Christmas time. I’m a lot less open to traditions just for the sake of traditions. Even then, he should be willing to do something that makes you feel like part of the holidays instead of someone who’s intruding on family rituals.

Life Imitates The Third IV

Back in 2008 when I first sent copies of The Third around to some writer friends to review, several of them greeted the concept of forced population control for the sake of the planet with skepticism.

So I’d like to thank Ted Turner, father of five children, for not only doubling down on the plot of The Third but backing up my idea of reselling population credits.

Climate change and population control can make for a politically explosive mix, as media mogul Ted Turner demonstrated Sunday when he urged world leaders to institute a global one-child policy to save the Earth’s environment. …

Mr. Turner – a long-time advocate of population control – said the environmental stress on the Earth requires radical solutions, suggesting countries should follow China’s lead in instituting a one-child policy to reduce global population over time. He added that fertility rights could be sold so that poor people could profit from their decision not to reproduce.

Still think it's just about clean air and water?

Read the entire article here.

NaNoWriMo Reflections

The stars aligned perfectly so year so I could finally give NaNoWriMo a shot this year. For those who don’t know what NaNoWriMo is, it’s basically a goal of writing a 50,000 word novel during the month of November. And though you can see from the above badge, I didn’t make the 50,000 word goal (or my original 80,000 word goal), I actually enjoyed the challenge and consider it a success because it got me writing every day in November and I was able to complete about 40% of a novel that’s been bouncing around in my head for the last couple of years.

And though the month is over I’m still trying to wrap up the first draft of the novel by year’s end. And even though NaNoWriMo’s over, I got Judd and his gang kicking my butt to finish it by then or else there’ll be some sort of hell to pay. Don’t worry, boys, I’m on it!

Now that I’ve given NaNoWriMo a shot, I think it’s a good exercise for anyone who wants to write a book. If anything, it got be back in the habit of writing every day instead of three or so times a week. And now that I’ve got my daily writing time set aside, I think I’ll be able to finish this novel but others are constantly sloshed around in my brain.

The only thing I didn’t like about it was that I felt I had to meet the 50,000 word goal or else I was some sort of failure. The reason I only ended up with just under 36,000 words is that about half way through the month was that the novel, at least way I had outlined, just stopped working. I went back and reread what I penned and realized that I could take some time and rewrite several chapters or I could push another 25,000 words and “win” or I could try to do it right the first time. I opted for the latter knowing that I’d just be wasting my time trying to push out words that had zero chance of being used.

In any event, now that I’m back on the writing bandwagon now it’s time for DeNoWirMo and then 2011NoWriYr. If all goes well, I hope to be able to have another novel ready for a publisher by spring. And that would be a real victory.

Widower Wednesday: Remembering the Late Wife during the Holidays

Last week I received seven emails from women who were all worried about the same holiday issue: how to deal with the widower doing something to commemorate the late wife during the holidays.

One lady wrote to me concerned that the Thanksgiving dinner she was attending would include a toast to the late wife. Another woman was worried about her widower wanting to scatter her ashes on a ski slope Christmas Eve. A third was worried about the widower who insists on visiting cemetery Christmas morning and how that might affect his attitude the rest of the day. You get the picture.

Holidays can be tough on anyone who’s lost a loved one. Generally, the first holiday season (and the first year for that matter) without the late wife is the hardest because the widower’s learning how to adjust to life without his wife. Once someone’s made it through their holiday without the late wife, the holidays become the second, third, and fourth time around.

My suggestion on how to handle these situations depends on 1) how long ago the late wife died and 2) how the widower acts during these events. For example, I didn’t have a problem with the Thanksgiving toast because this was the family’s first holiday season without her. Instead of focusing on the toast, I suggested she watch on how the widower treated her during the time before and after that moment. Did he seem focused on the late wife and the past or her and the present? Was he introducing her to friends and family or letting her fend for herself? Was he doing his best to make the day festive or did it feel like a wake? So long as the widower was doing his best to make the day special for her and treating her like number one, I didn’t see a problem with the toast.

I was a little more concerned with the widower who wanted to scatter the ashes onChristmas Eve. First he brought up the scattering the ashes after the two of them had already booked their trip. Second the wife had been dead two years and I found it odd that he was choosing their trip to do it. Sure, it might have been his way to saying good-bye and move on, but doing it during a trip that was supposed to create new holiday memories with another woman seemed like awfully bad timing. My suggestion was to talk to him and see what the reason was for doing it during their trip and there was a better time to do it that wouldn’t distract from the fun trip they were to enjoy together.

I was really worried about the widower who wanted to visit the cemetery on Christmas morning. The day held no significance in their relationship aside from the normal holiday stuff. They weren’t married on that day, she didn’t die on that day, nor did any special event in their marriage happen on that day. It’s just something he had done every Christmas (and every other major holiday) since his wife died five years ago. The woman said that after he visits the cemetery he’s comes home quiet and moody – not exactly the best way to usher in the spirit of Christmas. Where the wife’s been dead five years and he won’t go the day before or after Christmas to visit the cemetery, it appears like he’s still grieving and not ready to move on. I suggested that unless the widower was willing to forgo or delay the cemetery visit, it would probably be best if she spent the holidays elsewhere. In the meantime she might want to think about whether the widower is ready to start a new life with her.

Holidays without a spouse can be tough, but remember that once a widower has made the choice to enter a committed relationship with you, your relationship—not his grief—should come first. While there’s nothing wrong with remembering the past, living in the present, counting our blessings, and creating new memories with a new love is a much happier and productive way to spend the holidays.