I just found out Adam Sandler's origional Chanukah song was originally performed back in 1994. I knew the first performance was from the 1990's but for some reason I thought it was from the latter half of the decade. Knowing that the song was performed 16 years ago makes me feel old but not as old as I'll feel when I'll hear the song 10 years from now and my kids will ask me who David Lee Roth, Arthur Fonzarelli, O.J. Simpson, and Rod Carew are.
Widower Wednesday: Making New Holiday Traditions
From the emails in my inbox this last week, appears that one of the big holiday stressors for women dating widowers is being involved in holiday traditions that the widower and the late wife shared. It could be small things like where to buy a Christmas tree and what Christmas party to attend to bigger issues like where they spend the holidays or when to open Christmas presents. Of course, the big commonality (and stressor) is that these women share is that the widowers insist that these traditions must be maintained and refuses to compromise or consider doing something different.
Committed relationships bring a lot of adjustments for widowers. Some adjustments are hard to make if they’ve become accustomed to doing things one way or another year after year. I was only married just shy of three years to the late wife but had already become used to the way we did things. I didn’t realize this until my first holiday season with Marathon Girl when she started making suggestions on what she wanted to do during the holidays. It was so unlike how the late wife that most of the holiday season felt different. I don’t mean to imply that the holiday season was worse. It wasn’t. Instead there were a lot of mental and internal changes I had to make in order to enjoy the new season. I share this because a lot of these widowers might be having a hard time doing things differently during the holidays—especially if they’ve spent 20 years or more so doing things a certain way. Change is harder for some than for others.
What concerns me is when the widower refuses to compromise or doesn’t see why he should have to spend the holidays doing something different. For example one woman wrote to me and talked about how the widower wanted to spend Christmas in California because that’s what they, meaning he and the late wife, always did. While she wasn’t opposed to spending the holidays away from home, she suggested that they go somewhere just as sunny and warm as California, he refused and said that it wouldn’t be Christmas unless they spent a week in a certain town.
My first suggestion in these situations is, as always, to talk to the widower and see why he feels strongly about uphlding certain holiday traditions. Hopefully he’ll be willing to at least add some of yours to the list or create one or two new ones that the two of you can call your own. If he refuses to budge, it indicates a larger problem like not being ready to move on or having difficulty adjusting to the new life. Whatever the reason for his refusal to compromise, it doesn’t bode well for your relationship. You may want to consider spending the holidays with friends and family who can make this time of year more enjoyable.
On a side note, I’m more tolerant of keeping traditions when there are minor children at home—especially if their mom is recently deceased—since traditions can give them some sort of normalcy to hold on too without their mom at Christmas time. I’m a lot less open to traditions just for the sake of traditions. Even then, he should be willing to do something that makes you feel like part of the holidays instead of someone who’s intruding on family rituals.
Life Imitates The Third IV
Back in 2008 when I first sent copies of The Third around to some writer friends to review, several of them greeted the concept of forced population control for the sake of the planet with skepticism.
So I’d like to thank Ted Turner, father of five children, for not only doubling down on the plot of The Third but backing up my idea of reselling population credits.
Climate change and population control can make for a politically explosive mix, as media mogul Ted Turner demonstrated Sunday when he urged world leaders to institute a global one-child policy to save the Earth’s environment. …
Mr. Turner – a long-time advocate of population control – said the environmental stress on the Earth requires radical solutions, suggesting countries should follow China’s lead in instituting a one-child policy to reduce global population over time. He added that fertility rights could be sold so that poor people could profit from their decision not to reproduce.
Still think it's just about clean air and water?
Read the entire article here.
NaNoWriMo Reflections
The stars aligned perfectly so year so I could finally give NaNoWriMo a shot this year. For those who don’t know what NaNoWriMo is, it’s basically a goal of writing a 50,000 word novel during the month of November. And though you can see from the above badge, I didn’t make the 50,000 word goal (or my original 80,000 word goal), I actually enjoyed the challenge and consider it a success because it got me writing every day in November and I was able to complete about 40% of a novel that’s been bouncing around in my head for the last couple of years.
And though the month is over I’m still trying to wrap up the first draft of the novel by year’s end. And even though NaNoWriMo’s over, I got Judd and his gang kicking my butt to finish it by then or else there’ll be some sort of hell to pay. Don’t worry, boys, I’m on it!
Now that I’ve given NaNoWriMo a shot, I think it’s a good exercise for anyone who wants to write a book. If anything, it got be back in the habit of writing every day instead of three or so times a week. And now that I’ve got my daily writing time set aside, I think I’ll be able to finish this novel but others are constantly sloshed around in my brain.
The only thing I didn’t like about it was that I felt I had to meet the 50,000 word goal or else I was some sort of failure. The reason I only ended up with just under 36,000 words is that about half way through the month was that the novel, at least way I had outlined, just stopped working. I went back and reread what I penned and realized that I could take some time and rewrite several chapters or I could push another 25,000 words and “win” or I could try to do it right the first time. I opted for the latter knowing that I’d just be wasting my time trying to push out words that had zero chance of being used.
In any event, now that I’m back on the writing bandwagon now it’s time for DeNoWirMo and then 2011NoWriYr. If all goes well, I hope to be able to have another novel ready for a publisher by spring. And that would be a real victory.
Widower Wednesday: Remembering the Late Wife during the Holidays
Last week I received seven emails from women who were all worried about the same holiday issue: how to deal with the widower doing something to commemorate the late wife during the holidays.
One lady wrote to me concerned that the Thanksgiving dinner she was attending would include a toast to the late wife. Another woman was worried about her widower wanting to scatter her ashes on a ski slope Christmas Eve. A third was worried about the widower who insists on visiting cemetery Christmas morning and how that might affect his attitude the rest of the day. You get the picture.
Holidays can be tough on anyone who’s lost a loved one. Generally, the first holiday season (and the first year for that matter) without the late wife is the hardest because the widower’s learning how to adjust to life without his wife. Once someone’s made it through their holiday without the late wife, the holidays become the second, third, and fourth time around.
My suggestion on how to handle these situations depends on 1) how long ago the late wife died and 2) how the widower acts during these events. For example, I didn’t have a problem with the Thanksgiving toast because this was the family’s first holiday season without her. Instead of focusing on the toast, I suggested she watch on how the widower treated her during the time before and after that moment. Did he seem focused on the late wife and the past or her and the present? Was he introducing her to friends and family or letting her fend for herself? Was he doing his best to make the day festive or did it feel like a wake? So long as the widower was doing his best to make the day special for her and treating her like number one, I didn’t see a problem with the toast.
I was a little more concerned with the widower who wanted to scatter the ashes onChristmas Eve. First he brought up the scattering the ashes after the two of them had already booked their trip. Second the wife had been dead two years and I found it odd that he was choosing their trip to do it. Sure, it might have been his way to saying good-bye and move on, but doing it during a trip that was supposed to create new holiday memories with another woman seemed like awfully bad timing. My suggestion was to talk to him and see what the reason was for doing it during their trip and there was a better time to do it that wouldn’t distract from the fun trip they were to enjoy together.
I was really worried about the widower who wanted to visit the cemetery on Christmas morning. The day held no significance in their relationship aside from the normal holiday stuff. They weren’t married on that day, she didn’t die on that day, nor did any special event in their marriage happen on that day. It’s just something he had done every Christmas (and every other major holiday) since his wife died five years ago. The woman said that after he visits the cemetery he’s comes home quiet and moody – not exactly the best way to usher in the spirit of Christmas. Where the wife’s been dead five years and he won’t go the day before or after Christmas to visit the cemetery, it appears like he’s still grieving and not ready to move on. I suggested that unless the widower was willing to forgo or delay the cemetery visit, it would probably be best if she spent the holidays elsewhere. In the meantime she might want to think about whether the widower is ready to start a new life with her.
Holidays without a spouse can be tough, but remember that once a widower has made the choice to enter a committed relationship with you, your relationship—not his grief—should come first. While there’s nothing wrong with remembering the past, living in the present, counting our blessings, and creating new memories with a new love is a much happier and productive way to spend the holidays.
Life Imitates The Third III
Looks like I should have moved up the timeline in The Third 20 or 30 years.
From The Third
Chapter 6
“The cooler’s not working,” Ransom said as he fished around in his wallet for the right change and his ration card.
“It needs coolant,” the clerk answered as he rang up the soda and the bottle deposit and punched Ransom’s ration card with perfunctory motions. “Ordered some a month ago. Has to come all the way from Reno. No telling when it will arrive.”
Chapter 12
Harden stood in the entrance of the bakery to watch the boys, but the crowd moved forward. He had to apologize for running late and shut the door again. Then he hurried back to the counter and retrieved a loaf of bread from the shelf. He set it in front of Ransom, but put his hand over it before Ransom could touch it.
“Sorry, but I can only give you one loaf,” he said. “My flour ration was cut last week, so I’m only able to make half of what we usually make.”
Article from The Telegraph (UK) Monday, November 29, 2010
Cancun climate change summit: scientists call for rationing in developed world
Global warming is now such a serious threat to mankind that climate change experts are calling for Second World War-style rationing in rich countries to bring down carbon emissions.
[Professor Kevin Anderson, Director of the Tyndall Centre for Climate Change Research], said politicians should consider a rationing system similar to the one introduced during the last “time of crisis” in the 1930s and 40s.
This could mean a limit on electricity so people are forced to turn the heating down, turn off the lights and replace old electrical goods like huge fridges with more efficient models. Food that has travelled from abroad may be limited and goods that require a lot of energy to manufacture.
“The Second World War and the concept of rationing is something we need to seriously consider if we are to address the scale of the problem we face,” he said.
Widower Wednesday: Moody Holiday Widowers
Thanks to everyone who sent in their holiday widower questions. I’m working on answering them all of them personally while addressing the most common topics on the blog.
By far the most frequent holiday that found its way to my inbox was about widowers who get sad, depressed, or moody during the holiday season. One woman wrote that she was dating a man who had been widowed for two years and felt like the entire holiday season was going to be spoiled because he’s become more distant and doesn’t want to participate in planned holiday activities.
I want to have empathy for these widowers. I really do. I know that holidays can feel empty without their wife by their side. I couldn’t wait for my first Christmas without her to be over because all I could think about was that she wasn’t around.
The problem is that these widowers have willingly become involved in a committed relationship. If they’re willing to commit to someone, they need to man up and make the holiday season enjoyable for the new woman in their life. That might mean trying out a new tradition, spending a day with her friends and family, or just enjoying some alone time with the new woman. It doesn’t mean sitting at home sulking or becoming withdrawn and uncommunicative.
My gut says that widowers in a committed relationship who become overly withdrawn during the holidays or other special occasions aren’t ready to move on. Talk to the widower about what’s bugging him, but unless he can find the strength to man up and make you number one, plan on having more holidays and special occasions ruined.
An English Degree and a Life of Uncertainty
Q: What’s the difference between an English major and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
The above is a joke was one that was often shared among my friends during my last year of college. As our graduation date neared, all of us were nervous about graduating and entering the real world because, unlike those with degrees in accounting, business, or chemistry, we had no sure job prospects. Aside from teaching, no one really knew how to turn their English degree into a full-time job.
I was reminded of this after reading an article that Hit Coffee posted about English majors received advice on how to make the move from college to the real world.
English majors at the University [of Illinois] received real-world advice from an alumus and author about making the transition from college to career. On Wednesday afternoon, Dr. Robert Prescott delivered a presentation to over 35 people called “Hiring Humanists: Strategies for Cooperation Between Humanities Departments and Career Services.”
To choose the English major is to embrace uncertainty,” Prescott said. “The humanities do not directly train you for one specific job. They are giving you a skill set and then you have to determine out of all of that forest which tree you’re going to climb.”
Though I think getting advice on how to make the transition from academia to the job market is helpful to those pursing English and other worthless* degrees, I think they’d be better served if you had someone with real world experience talking to them. According to the article, “64 percent of English graduates work in business, 10 percent work in the government and 27 percent work in education, with less than 1 percent holding Ph.D.’s.” Yet they two people they have talk to them is an author and someone with a PhD in English—statically the least two likely occupations for English majors. It would be much more useful to these students to have someone who works in business, education (not at the college level), and government tell them how they used their skills to get their current jobs.
I suggest this because it sounds like the advice students are getting isn’t very helpful.
According to Prescott, an English major teaches students analytical, oral communication, interpersonal, writing, research and computer skills. These skills help students grow as people and citizens by giving them the ability to project themselves into a situation, state opinions and argue and build empathy and collegiality.
Try telling an employer that you can protect yourself into situations, state opinions, argue and build empathy and collegiality and see how far it gets you.
Instead of spewing academic gobbledygook at them, get some real world professionals in front of these kids who can give some useful advice. I guarantee someone in the business world could tell them how to turn their skills into real experience than someone with a PhD who sounds like he has little, if any, experience outside the confines academia. It’s one thing to tell students that an English degree teaches certain skills, but it’s something else to hear about it from someone who’s actually turned those skills into something an employer will value.
For example, if I had to talk to a room full of anxious English majors, I’d could tell them how started out as a technical writer, made the transition to a marketing/copy writer, what employers look if they want to consider these options as a career path. And for all the wannabe authors, I could tell them that an English degree doesn’t matter that much when it comes to getting published or having a successful writing career. Some friends I graduated with could tell similar stories.
Of course any degree only goes so far. Your future is what YOU make it. And as you get along in your career, you’ll find that most people don’t care what your degree is in. Still, advice from real world professionals might make the transition easier as students with an English degree leave campus and step into real world.
* To be fair, a bachelor’s degree in English is worth more in the marketplace than a bachelor’s degree in sociology, women’s studies, art history, psychology, philosophy, music therapy, Star Wars studies, and religion.
Has DC Learned How to Make Decent Superhero Movies?
Back in my comic book reading days I was always more partial to the DC Universe. Most of the reason for that was that I was such a big Batman fan. But part of it came from my dad who really liked Green Lantern, Superman, Aquaman, and other DC heroes. I have many distinct memories lying on the floor of our living room and my Dad pointing at the pictures and reading Green Lantern and Superman comic books too me. (Green Lantern must have made a real impression because other day when I was going through a box of my comics, I found ten Green Lantern comics from the mid-1990s when the series was re-launched.) Despite some good superhero characters, DC has done a horrible job of turning these characters into blockbuster movies. (Anyone remember that horrible Superman Returns movie that was released in 2006? Yeah, I don’t either.) The lone exception is Batman. Marvel, on the other hand, can turn most of its big-name characters like Spiderman, Iron Man and the X-Men into entertaining movies and win a new generation of fans.
So when there was some buzz about the upcoming Green Lantern movie was leaking out of Comic Con I tried not to get my hopes up. Then I saw the Green Lantern trailer when it was released on Wednesday. And you know what, it doesn’t look too bad. (Watch it below and decide for yourself.)
Granted those who make the trailers can make any movie look good and I’ll reserve final judgment until I actually see the film. However, it does give me hope that DC has learned that you can’t sell a movie on the character and his or her superpowers alone. You need strong script writing, human but strong superheroes, compelling villains, and a great plot and awesome special affect to make something worth watching.
I really hope DC has upped their storytelling a notch or two. Any more movie bombs and I’ll have a hard time passing on my love of DC characters to my kids because they’ll equate the characters with horrible movies.
Widower Wednesday: Dating Widowers with Children
Because I didn’t have any living children when I dated Marathon Girl, I’m always a bit hesitant to give advice to women who are dating widowers with minor children still living at home. (I define a minor child as anyone 17 and under. For suggestions on dealing with adult children, read this Widower Wednesday column.) Still I receive lots of email on the subject I’m going to give out some general guidelines that might help.
- Beware of widowers who are just looking for someone to help out with the kids. I’m amazed at the number of emails from women who have turned into fulltime, unpaid nannies whose main job is to take care of the kids and have sex with the widower at night. Unless you marry the guy, never forget that his kids are his responsibility—not yours. That doesn’t mean you can’t help out on occasion but it shouldn’t dedicate your life to raising them unless you become their stepmother. Never become an unpaid nanny with benefits. If you do, odd are the relationship won’t work out.
- Don’t expect the widower to take down all the photos off the late wife. Generally I prefer widowers to remove photos/shrines/memorials to the late wife and replace them with photos of the new love. However, I generally make exceptions to this rule when minor children are home. The kids are probably having a hard enough time seeing dad with someone else. They last thing they need is all the photos of their mom removed from the living room.
- Realize that widowers with minor children living at home might not be able to spend as much “alone time” with as you both may want. Widowers who work to support their kids often find themselves with limited time to be a dad. This means wants to spend time with you, your dates may involve going to his children’s soccer games or other activities. One-on-one time is important in any relationship but it’s harder to come by when kids are at home. Besides if you marry the guy, odds are you’re going to spending most of your time with him and his kids. Better get used to it.
- Don’t be jealous of the time and attention the widower pays to the kids. As far as I’m concerned, his kids (minor children living at home) should be his number one priority. If he’s managed to find time for a relationship, that’s great but the wants and needs of his kids should come first. If the relationship is meant to be, you and the widower will find a way to make it work.
- If the kids hate or resent you, treat them kindly. You can’t control what others think of you. And seeing their dad with someone other than mom is probably hard on most kids. If they say unkind things toward you or try to push your buttons, respond with love and kindness. This is the same advice I give when dealing with others who may not approve of the relationship. It may not be easy to turn the other cheek, but, in the end, you’ll win more people over this way.
- If you don’t like the way the widower disciplines (or refuses to discipline) his kids, don’t expect anything to change once you’re in a committed relationship, engaged, or married. Odds are the discipline (or lack thereof) will continue even after you’re the stepmom. If you can’t live with it, bail out before it’s too late.
And remember, Everything will go a lot easier if you’re able to talk to the widower about his kids and your relationship. Do your best to have open lines of communication. It will go a long way to solving problems that arise.
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Dating a widower? Having issues? Send me an email and it might be addressed in a future Widower Wednesday column. At the very least, you’ll get a personal reply. :-)