How to Talk to a Widower

Note: Though I wrote this, the real author of this piece is Marathon Girl. Most of the insight in this essay comes from her. When you're in a relationship with a widower, some widower-related issues are bound to arise. For example, the widower might seem like he's having a hard time moving on. Maybe he spends an inordinate amount of time thinking or talking about the late wife. Perhaps you've become quite serious yet his home still looks like a shrine to the deceased. Knowing how to approach and talk to him about certain subjects can be difficult. Below are some suggestions to be able to effectively talk with the widower about problems that may be hindering your relationship.

Pick the Right Time

Finding the right time to talk to the widower is critical. Don't do it when he's upset or otherwise in a bad mood. Wait until he's in a good frame of mind. This will help him be more receptive to what you have to say.

Marathon Girl is very good at knowing when to talk to me about anything that needs to be addressed in our relationship. If I've had a stressful day at work, she knows its best not to talk about it until I've had a chance to unwind. She knows I'll listen better and be more receptive to dealing with the problem if I've had an hour or two to play with the kids or write. She also knows that if I'm in an extremely good mood (say the Detroit Tigers just won the World Series) that it's probably best not bring up a serious subject until I've had time to celebrate.

The key here is patience. Most issues don't have to be addressed immediately. Just wait for the right moment to bring it up. If he's in an agreeable mood, the widower will be more likely to listen to what you have to say -- an important first step to resolving the problem.

When Talking About the Late Wife, Don't Act Jealous

Sometimes widowers say and/or do things that make you jealous. Maybe he tells a story about a trip they took or a fond memory of her. Maybe he keeps a lot of photos in the house of her despite professing his love to you. Whatever he's doing, it's driving you crazy because you feel like you're competing with a ghost.

When you talk with him about this it's very important that you do not come across as jealous even if that's the only emotion you have at the time. You can't expect the widower to stop loving his first wife. (You should, however,expect him to treat you like the number one woman but that's another essay.)

You need to tactfully let him know that you want a strong, loving relationship with him but it's hard to when he keeps talking about or doing things that show his love for the late wife. Let him know that you're not resentful of the love he has for her but that you need to know he feels the same way about you. Nine times out of ten the widower is unaware how his actions are affecting you. Not coming across as jealous will make it more likely that he'll listen and change his behavior.

Know What Problems You Need to Solve on Your Own

There are going to be some widower-related issues you need to deal with on your own. This doesn't mean you can't tell the widower about them but if you do, you need to let him know that he can't help solve them.

After Marathon Girl and I became serious enough that we were discussing the possibility of marriage, she let me know it was sometimes hard for her to think about marrying me because a lot of the things that would be firsts for her (marriage, honeymoon, buying a house, having kids, etc.) were going to be seconds for me. Even though she told me about her feelings, she also let me know that this was something I couldn't solve for her. She told me it was an issue she had to work through on her own and would let me know from time to time how she was dealing with it.

I really appreciated her doing this. Not only did it let me know what was going through her mind but it set an example for me. If Marathon Girl was willing to put the time and effort into working on problems, I should be willing to work on mine as well.

Solve One Issue at a Time

If there are multiple issues you need to discuss with the widower, pick the most important one and work on that first before bringing up the others. No matter how much a guy loves you, he hates being dumped on. Men are much better at being receptive to what you say when we only have to deal with one problem at a time. When you start going off on multiple issues, we start blocking out a lot of what you're saying or start thinking of you as a nag.

Back when we were dating, there were times when Marathon Girl had several issues she wanted to discuss but wisely picked one at a time. When she felt the time was right brought up another one and we worked on that. She knew that telling me all the issues at once would make me defensive and make it less likely that they could be resolved.

Effectively communicating and working on the unique issues that arise with a widower can make or break the relationship. Knowing a little widower friendly psychology can be a good first step in having not only having open lines of communication one but a successful, loving relationship.

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More widower-related articles by Abel Keogh

Up with Grief NEW!

Dating and Marriage: One Regret NEW!

Widowers: They're Still Men! NEW!

10 Dating Tips for Widows and Widowers

Photos of the Dead Wife

5 Signs a Widower is Serious About Your Relationship

How Vice President Joe Biden Dealt with Grief

Life with a Widower

Dating a Widower

The Grief Industry

Suicide Survivor

A Letter to Elizabeth

Sex and Intimacy with Widowers

The Widowerhood Excuse

How to Talk to a Widower

Red Flags to Watch for When Dating A Widower

A Train to Potevka

Americans love spy stories. From James Bond to Jason Bourne, we enjoy watching and reading about them escaping with their lives with a beautiful woman at their side. Real spy work, however, isn't quite as wild as the movies or works of fiction would portray. Even though real spy work isn't glamorous as many of us believe, that doesn't mean it's boring. A Train to Potevka is a story about a real spy during the cold war. The story takes place as the Soviet Union is beginning to crumble. The author, Mike Ramsdell, is on an undercover mission in Siberia to extract a Russian criminal. Posed as a German oil investor, his cover gets blown and he's forced to flee to a safe house in the small city of Potevka -- a slow, long train ride from his current location.

During his train ride and subsequent stay in Potevka we are treated to flashbacks of Ramsdell's life from growing up in Bear River, Utah to his training to become a spy. Ramsdell's flashbacks are somewhat reminiscent of flashbacks from the television series Lost. And like Lost they serve as a useful way to get to know Ramsdell better. Each memory is specifically linked to the inner change that Ramsdell is slowly experiencing.

Though there are some harrowing and exciting moments, the real story in this book is the author's inner transformation during his stay in Potevka and decisions he makes at the end of the book. The person we meet at the beginning of the book and the one at the end are two different people. This is rarely something we see in fictional spies such as James Bond who tends to have the same persona and character no matter what happens to him.

Intermingled with Ramsdell's memories and adventures is a surprise love story that not only has a happy ending but helps show just what a powerful transformation Ramsdell experienced during that train ride to and short stay in Potevka.

A Train to Potevka has no fancy gadgets, car chases, or explosions ala James Bond. But it does contain a page-turning, character-driven story that is powerful and memorable. It's a great, fast read and a must for those who want to see what the life of a spy is really entails.

LOST Is Back

LOST was sure a fun to watch last night. It was nice to have a somewhat light hearted moment before heading off into more serious territory next week. What made the episode great was watching the transformation of the Hurley character from someone who thought he was cursed to someone who now believes he makes his own luck. When he was driving around in his van I couldn’t help but smile and feel good that he had arrived at such a conclusion. Hurley’s flashbacks were a perfect to not only understanding his character better but realize just what a big change this was for him. (Side note: When Hurley was standing outside of Mr. Clucks I told Marathon Girl that it was going to be destroyed by a meteorite. Hurley alluded to that in the first or second season. More proof, Jon, that the writers plan things out in way in advance.)

Hurley transformation stood in stark contrast to Sawyer who despite winning Kate’s heart on the other island, turned back to his selfish, egotistical self and was unable butter up an apology. Despite being given opportunities to be better, some people never change. Hopefully Sawyer will come around.

I’m curious as to whether or not we’ll see a Rousseau flashback next week. There’s probably a season worth of flashbacks they could do from her years on the island and a great story to tell about her and how he ended up losing her child to the Others. From the previews I’m betting we get a Locke flashback. Looks like he has a decision to make on whether or not to push another button.

Four Years and Counting

Dear Marathon Girl: Thanks for four wonderful years together. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m looking forward to many more years with you by my side.

Love,

Abel

Q & A with Abel

 

Q: From that photo it looks like you hurt your arm. How did that happen?

A: The President of the United States called upon me to save the country from a terrorist attack. Although I neutralized the problem, some injuries were sustained in the process.

Q: How did you really hurt your arm?

A: Like an idiot, I did a fairly heavy weight routine during the day, forgetting that I had volunteered to help a neighbor move that evening. By the time the day was over, I had overextended my arm.

Q: So is your arm broken?

A: No. The doctor thinks it’s some sort of sprain. He said if I don’t have full use of it in three or four days, I need to see a specialist.

Q: Full use of your arm….?

A: I can’t straighten my arm out. And it hurts like you wouldn’t believe when I try to do that.

Q: How has your hurt arm affected your life?

A: Well, Marathon Girl gives me a lot of “get well” kisses. That’s never a bad thing.

Q: So it’s all positive then?

A: No. This morning Marathon Girl had to help me put my shirt on. That was embarrassing.

Q: Are you able to work?

A: Miraculously the injury hasn’t affected my ability to type. That's a good thing since writing makes up 90 percent of my work day.

Q:  Has your arm affected your ability to watch LOST?

A: No, but after Wednesday’s episode, I wish it would have. That one sure was a snoozer. Who cares about Jack’s tattoos! And will someone just ask the Others a direct question like: Who the hell are you and what exactly are you doing on this island?

Q: Can you still run?

A: Yes. But I have to slow down as I can’t swing my arm as much as I’d like. I’m not complaining. I’m just happy to be able to work out.

Q: You sound like Superman! Is there anything you can’t do?

A: Lift anything over five pounds.

Q: Wait. I just noticed it’s your left arm that’s hurt. Aren’t you left handed?

A: Yes, I am. It’s been an interesting few days using my right hand for most everyday tasks. It wasn’t until I hurt my arm that I realized how the world is made for right handed people. It’s been an eye opening experience to say the least.

Q: Any plans on becoming a right hander after you stop wearing the sling.

A: I don’t think so. I was born left handed and I’ll die left handed.

Q: So will we hear more about your arm in the future?

A: Not unless it needs to be amputated.

Movie Review: Breach

February is one of the worst months to find a movie in theaters worth watching. This time of year they’re usually full of boring Oscar contenders and other movies the studios don’t have much faith in. Fortunately for movie goers someone decided to release a thrilling spy movie that will probably go down as one of the best movies of 2007. Breach is based on the true story of FBI agent Robert Hansen (Chris Cooper) who spied for the Russians and was considered responsible for the worst security breaches in U.S. History. Eric O’Neil (Ryan Phillippe) is new to the bureau and is hoping to make Agent. He’s assigned to be an assistant to Hansen and reports to a senior agent about every movement Hansen makes.

Even though we learn in the first minute of the film what Hansen did and that he eventually gets caught, Breach is still a thrilling movie. The excitement doesn’t come from car chases or explosions but from the intense physiological drama that is played out between Hansen and O’Neil. Despite his best attempts to earn Hansen’s trust, O’Neil can’t figure his boss out and must continually remember what lies he’s told to Hansen.

Hansen, who loves to be in control, thinks the FBI or some government agency is on to him but can’t be sure. He does his best to keep his assistant off balance by doing things like showing up at O’Neil’s house unexpectedly for dinner and trying to convert O’Neil’s Protestant wife to Catholicism. The tension mounts because we never know just how much Hansen trusts O’Neil or how aware he is of the ongoing investigation.

Phillippe does a wonderful job of portraying someone who is in way over his head. You can’t help but feel for him as the burden of staying one step a head of Hansen spills over into his marriage and strains his relationship with his wife (Caroline Dhavernas).

But it’s Cooper’s acting that is top-notch. He does an excellent job of making his character believable and someone we actually care about. Even though we’re glad Hansen is caught at the end of the film the audience can’t help but feel sorry for him when the consequences of his actions finally catch up with him.

Some views may be frustrated at the ending of the film as it offers no clear-cut explanation for Hansen’s actions. However, the real life Hansen has yet to give any reason for spying and this forces director Billy Ray to hint at many plausible, character-based motivations as to why Hansen started working for the bad guys.

Breach is a movie that goes by quickly. It’s a must see for those who enjoy strong character-based movies and those looking for some needed pre-summer blockbuster entertainment.

Abel’s Rating: A

Lessons from Anna Nicole and Britney

Americans have long been fascinated with successful individuals. Before movies and Hollywood came into existence, Americans gladly devoured gossip about the lives of celebrities, the rich, and the famous. It shouldn’t come as a surprise then that the recent death of Anna Nicole Smith and bizarre behavior of Britney Spears have made the headlines of The Drudge Report and have been the subject of countless stories from more “serious” news organizations like CNN, ABC News, and Fox News.

Though at the amount of news time dedicated to Spears and Smith has many rolling their eyes, I don’t think the coverage of them is necessarily a bad thing.

News stories of Spears and Smith are popular is because they contain life lessons that are easy to understand. The lives of these two women illustrate the importance of making good decisions and that money and success does not insulate one from misfortune or the consequences of one’s actions.

Smith’s rags-to-riches tale reads like Shakespearean tragedy. Smith dropped out of high school and married at 17. Her climb to the top began after she posed for Playboy. She used that exposure to launch a successful modeling career and a brief stint as a widely-panned actress. Smith regained the limelight when she married billionaire J. Howard Marshall though she denied it was for his money. After the billionaire’s death and a bitter and lengthy court fight – one that has yet to be resolved – ensued over his inheritance.

In November 2006 Smith gave birth to a daughter only to have her 20-year-old son from her first marriage die in her hospital room three days later from an apparent drug overdose. Then, unexpectedly, Smith passed away three months later at a casino hotel room at the age of 39. The cause of death is still undetermined.

Smith’s story illustrates that beauty, money, and fame are no guarantee of happiness and good fortune.  Despite worldly success she never could keep her passions in check and now a string of men, eager to share in Smith’s wealth, claim to be her daughter’s father. Smith’s untimely death reminds us of our own morality and the importance of living our life to its fullest potential. For the men who admired her buxom body, the lesson is that there’s more to consider in a woman than how she’s packaged.

Unlike Smith, Spears rose to fame and fortune after years of hard work in the entertainment industry. Her effort finally paid off when her hit single “…Baby One More Time” became an international success. Spears released more albums and sales and a Grammy awards followed and she became one of the most successful female artists in American music history. She used her fame to nab several lucrative endorsement deals, a movie, and a reality television show.

Despite her success, Spears seems unable to make wise choices. Her poor decisions have lead to the bottoming out of her career and people questioning her maturity. Despite being the mother of two young children, she maintained a late night partying and alcohol fueled lifestyle and has been in and out of rehab (she’s back in at press time). Most recently she was seen getting tattoos and shaving all the hair from her head.

Overnight her poor decisions have propelled her from a pop music sensation to the butt of jokes on late night TV. Her recent actions may have doomed her music career and quite possibly custody of her two young children.

Parents often complain when their daughters look to people like Spears as role models. But there aren’t many young girls who want to be like her now. Her recent tattooing and head shaving incident have left many aghast and few wanting to imitate the pop princess. When her face is splashed across computer and television screens across the world, it’s a great moment for parents to use Spears recent actions and fall from grace as a teaching tool.

Though the media is sometimes excessive in its coverage of Smith and Spears (the story about the fight of Smith’s body, for example, is getting moldy) that doesn’t mean there are lessons to be learned from pop culture icons. If anything it’s that we’re not immune from the consequences of our actions.

That lesson is one more “serious” news stories fail to portray.

*** 

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This essay was originally published on FreeCapitalist.com. You can read all of Abel's FreeCapitalist essays here.

Hey Jon! I Was Right

Occasionally Jon and I have friendly arguments over how many events and plot twists the writers of LOST plan out seasons in advance and how many the just make up as they go along. I’ve always been of the opinion that a lot of the story line has been planned from the beginning of the show. Jon is more of the opinion that the writers are tying some things together as they go along.

Well the latest post over on a LOST Easter Egg site contains some quotes from the creative minds behind the show that indicates some things were planned out from the beginning.

Q: What is the meaning or significance of the two skeletons that Jack and Kate found in the cave of season 1?

CUSE: The answer to that question goes to the nature of the timeline of the island. We don't want to say too much about it, but there are a couple Easter eggs embedded in [the Feb. 7 episode], one of which is an anagram that actually sheds some light on the skeletons and hints at a larger mythological mystery that will start to unfold later in the season.

LINDELOF: There were certain things we knew from the very beginning. Independent of ever knowing when the end was going to be, we knew what it was going to be, and we wanted to start setting it up as early as season 1, or else people would think that we were making it up as we were going along. So the skeletons are the living — or, I guess, slowly decomposing — proof of that. When all is said and done, people are going to point to the skeletons and say, ''That is proof that from the very beginning, they always knew that they were going to do this.'

– Source Entertainment Weekly

Now there is all kinds of speculation as to who these two skeletons are. Jack and Juliet? Sawyer and Kate? Desmond and Penelope?

I’m just glad the writers are thinking about some things in advance. This usually means a stronger, more coherent story line as the show progresses.

Also, Jon has put together an interesting theory on why people can't leave the island. You can read it here.

The Children of Men by P.D. James

As a general rule, books are better than the movies they’re based on. Because books don’t have budget or time constraints, it’s often hard for screenplay writers to get all the scenes, ideas, and characters from a book to the big screen. Though I’ve never read any of the Harry Potter books, I hear fans are usually disappointed with the movies because so much was left out. On the other hand most people were happy with the way The Lord of the Rings movies turned out. There have been a handful of times where I liked the movie more than the book. K-Pax was an awful, uninspiring book but a decent movie. Contact was a great movie but a very long and dull book.

I bring this up because I just finished reading The Children of Men and find myself in unchartered territory. I really liked the movie (read my review here) and the book. The problem is the book and movie are VERY different from each other. The only thing the book and movie have in common is that mankind is unable to have children until, miraculously, one woman becomes pregnant, and the main character is a guy named Theo who tries to bring the woman to a safe place where she can give birth.

The similarities stop there. Characters that appear in the movie are nowhere in the book. And where some characters do overlap, their relationship they have with Theo is very different. The book doesn’t contain any of the politics or violence that is found in the movie. Instead there’s a strong but subtle spiritual element to the book. The movie is much faster paced and in some ways more entertaining. The book, though slower, I think depicts a more realistic picture of what mankind would be like if people stopped having children. 

Even though the book and the movie The Children of Men are very different, they’re both done extremely well. This was the first book I’ve read by P.D. James and thought she had a beautiful but straightforward writing style. Alfonso Caron is a great director (he did the best Harry Potter movie to date) and did an excellent job of depicting his view of a hopeless world.

I can’t think of another book or movie that’s based off the book that were so different yet so enjoyable. So when it comes to The Children of Men, watch the movie or see the book or read the book then watch the movie. It doesn’t matter. They’re both enjoyable. Just be forewarned that the stories are very different from each other.

(And for those who are unfamiliar with the works of P.D. James, you’ll find her book in the mystery section of the bookstore. Though The Children of Men doesn’t fit into that category, the rest of her books are mystery novels.)

Free Will Rocks

I don’t believe in fate. I believe that we are free to choose our own destiny. I believe that where we end up in life is largely because of good and bad decisions we make.

Yet when it comes to my wonderful marriage to Marathon Girl, I sometimes wonder if it was some unseen power that brought the two of us together.

I bring this up because Wednesday’s episode of LOST (great episode BTW) was very fatalistic. (And for those who aren’t fans of the show, stay with me. I’m going to talk mostly about my courtship to Marathon Girl instead of the episode.) Desmond discovered that no matter what choices he made, it was fated to end up in the island pushing the button every 108 minutes apparently to save the world. If he didn’t break up with Penelope that day then something would happen the next day or the day after to make them break up. The universe, we are told, has a way of course correcting itself.

Back to my courtship with Marathon Girl: Had this been any normal relationship it never would have made it past the first date. But it seemed like some invisible hand kept pushing Marathon Girl and I together no matter how many mistakes and dumb decisions we made. Here’s just a small sampling of what happened when we were dating that makes me think the two of us were destined to be together.

• It was by chance that Marathon Girl ended up going to the same church as I. Where most of her unmarried friends were going to a church for singles, Marathon Girl chose to attend a church where I was the only other single person.
• For several weeks I tried to think of a reason to talk with her on Sundays. Unable to think of any excuse to start a conversation, her photo appears on the front page of the sports section of the local paper announcing she won the Ogden Marathon.
• Our first date was the worst date either of us had been on. It was so bad that Marathon Girl ended up going back to her parent’s house that night and crying to her dad about it. Her dad, who is really big on making sure his daughters are treated with respect, shocked Marathon Girl and the rest of her family when he said that she should give me a second chance.
• Our second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth dates were equally uninspiring. Yet I still felt that I should keep asking Marathon Girl out and she kept saying yes.
• When we started dating, we were both in other relationships that weren’t going anywhere and that we didn’t feel were right. Yet somehow those relationships never got in the way of our seeing. For example, when I would call Marathon Girl and ask her our, I’d happen to ask her out on the only day of the week she didn’t have something planed with her then-boyfriend.
• After six lousy dates we ended up talking about where this relationship was headed. We both agreed that we should stop dating each other and just be friends. On my way out the door, I ask Marathon Girl was she was doing that weekend. She said she wasn’t doing anything. I asked her out. She accepted. And we ended up having a perfect date. And the relationship took off from there.

So after LOST, I asked Marathon Girl, who is also a big believer in free will, if she thought we would have been together if I hadn’t stayed in Ogden after my late wife’s death or if she had chosen to attend a different church or one of us had made a different decision along the way if we would have ended up together. We talked for a good hour about it and both concluded that somehow the universe would have found a way to bring the two of us together.

Maybe some things are meant to be.