No regrets

Jay died yesterday. Jay was my age. Married. Had a five-year-old step son.

I worked with Jay at my previous job.

I never knew him that well. Most of our conversation was from the hellos we'd exchange when we'd pass each other in the halls.

But when a former co-worker forwarded me the email yesterday announcing his death, I was stunned.

Jay was young after all and in good health. One day he was fine. The next day he was dead. (The rumor is that he died from brain aneurism but no one really seems to know of this writing what killed him.)

Sudden, unexpected deaths like this always start me thinking about how I'm living my life. Because my life could be over tomorrow too. Or I could live for fifty years. Either way, it was time for one of those semi-annual checks to evaluate how I'm doing.

So yesterday, on the commute home, I thought a lot about my relationship with Marathon Girl. I can honestly say if I was to die tomorrow, I wouldn't have any regrets about our marriage. We spend all of our free time together. We support each other in our interests whether it be running marathons or writing books. We've taken trips together to see friends, family, and baseball games. We have two wonderful sons. In the three short years we've been married, we've done everything we wanted to accomplish in the first three years together.

I can't say that about my first marriage.

As good as my relationship was with my first wife, I took both her and our marriage for granted. I look back on those brief 35 months and wish I could have done some things differently like not spend more time together, taken that trip to San Diego my first wife always dreamed about, or been a comfort for her instead of indifferent as the insanity slowly enveloped her mind during the last few months of her life.

But I've learned from my mistakes. I've learned how short and fragile life is. And how important it is to live life so when our time does come, we have no regrets about our thoughts, actions, and relationships.

I hope Jay died with no regrets. I hope he can look back at his life and see a life well lived. And I hope that I can continue on the course I'm on so when my life is over -- whether that be tomorrow or in 60 years -- I can look back and not have regrets about the way I lived my life.

I hope that living a life without regrets is something we'll all be able to do.

Random Thoughts from This Weekend

I knew it was a sorry Oscar season but after watching Walk the Line with Marathon Girl Friday night I realized how truly sorry it was. Why that movie wasn't nominated for Best Picture is beyond me.

***

There are two things I'd never thought I'd do: live in Happy Valley and own a minivan. Eighteen months ago I moved to Happy Valley. Last week I became the owner of a minivan. I expect to wake up any minute screaming.

***

Spring arrived late this year. My run on Saturday morning in the bright, warm sunshine was the first time I actually had spring fever.

***

One reason we need to forgive others is so they can start forgiving themselves.

***

The best part about being married is lying in bed while a storm shakes the house and holding the woman of your dreams in your arms.

***

Another great thing about being married is waking up early one morning to realize the most beautiful woman in the world is cuddled up next to you.

More thoughts on Starving Artists

It was interesting to read the responses to my Starving Artist article. Some thoughts.

I never stated writers (or anyone else) shouldn't be passionate about what they produce. I think in order to write a good book, you need to be passionate and believe in what you are writing. However, I think writers need to take a long hard look at what audience they are trying to reach with their book and whether or not anyone else will care about it.

As many of you know, I recently completed a memoir. I put a lot of time and effort into writing it. However I did not write the book simply because it was something I wanted to write. I wrote the memoir because of the hundreds of emails I've received over the last few years from people who have been touched by my story. I saw that writing a book about the death of my first wife and infant daughter, moving on, and falling in love with my second wife could touch and benefit many people's lives.

For those who haven't gone through the process of selling a book to publishers and agents like I am currently doing, there is a hard reality they don't teach you in writing classes: agents and publishers want to know who will read the book you're writing. Agents won't represent a book and publishers won't publish a book simply because a book is well written. They expect the writer to know the audience the book is intended for. If a writer cannot define an audience for the book and point out why his book will stand out above similar books in the market, it will never be published.

The writer who I referred to in the Starving Artist had done none of this. He simply thought that by writing a good book he was entitled to be published and became famous. Before writing the book he never thought about who would enjoy reading the book outside himself and his immediate circle of friends.

Having passion about what you write (or paint or build or program) is a key part of becoming a successful. But passion is not enough. There are many artists out there with a passion for what they do but are destitute because they 1) don't know who they're making their products for and/or 2) don't take the necessary time and effort to sell their work to that audience.

Those famous artists and writers who died in obscurity and poverty didn't have to live that way. A little marketing and the ability to convince others that their books or art were worth buying would have gone a long way to help those artists become successful while they were alive instead of receiving the recognition after they died.

Currently I am writing on a work of fiction. I am very excited about the subject, the story, and the characters. However, I am writing this second book not because I think I have a good plot of interesting characters (I do) but because I see an underserved audience in the book world that would enjoy reading the type of fiction I'm writing.

Yes, be passionate about your writing (or whatever it is you like to do.) Just make sure there are many others who will enjoy what you create.

***

Finally, I would like to address the idea that when a book or work of art becomes a commercial success it is somehow not worth reading (or buying or admiring).

If you feel that you can't read a book because it's a best seller or because some talk show host has put her seal of approval on it then you are what I used to be: a literary snob. There are many great books that can be enjoyed that you don't need your secret English decoder rings (read: literary criticism) to enjoy.

I remember the first time I read Jurassic Park. I had shunned any books by Michael Crichton because I had been told that his books weren't worth reading and lacked any artistic merit. Instead I discovered that Crichton was a talented and imaginative storyteller who wrote a book that I couldn't put down. Was the book flawlessly written? No. Was a great piece of literature? Probably not. But Crichton told an amazing story and was rewarded for his efforts by having millions of that book sell and also made into a popular movie.

The story of Jurassic Park created value for millions of people. Though the book wasn't nominated for any literary rewards, it entertained millions of people. In my mind that makes the book far more valuable than some obscure book that is well written and won some literary prize.

And for those who think all commercially successful books lack artistic merit, you might want to read books like To Kill a Mockingbird, The Lovely Bones, Fahrenheit 451, The God of Small Things, The Time Traveler's Wife, or Catcher in the Rye.

Reading books that sell well can help you become successful full-time writer. Read best selling books and figure out how the writer is connecting to the intended audience. If you want to write murder mysteries, read the popular murder mystery books and figure out what the author is doing right. Then write your own book but make it better whether it be in terms of artistic quality, characters, plot, etc. (I'm not saying to plagiarize other books but figure out why these books are connecting with their intended audiences.) You don't have to "sell out" to become a successful writer. But you do need to know who you are writing to and be able to connect with that audience if you want to make enough money to do it full time.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying a well written book. There is something wrong, however, when you think others have bad taste simply because they enjoy books that are more popular than yours.

Starving Artists

Recently on an Internet discussion board I participate in, a writer posted a tirade on how he was being "forced" to take a corporate writing job in the real world to make ends meet. The writer had put over a year of his life into what he thought was the next great novel. After another year of attempting to market the book to agents and publishers, he was unable to find anyone interested in publishing it. The writer then lashed out at the publishing industry saying that they only cared about profits and not publishing great works of literature.

Those who replied to the writer were sympathetic to his plight and agreed that it was a shame this writer had to settle for a corporate job. Many echoed the oft repeated sentiment in literary circles that writers in general were underpaid because society didn't appreciate them or the fine pieces of literature they created.

My response to the frustrated writer was different. Though I sympathized with his frustration, I asked if he had thought about an audience for his book before he started writing it. Instead of writing a book that you like, I asked, why not write a book that other people would like to read? The question was not meant to be offensive. It was my hope that it would start the discussion group thinking about how a writer could create value for others by brainstorming strategies to determine what people want to read. Instead, the responses to my question revealed why there are so many starving artists in the world.

One person said a writer shouldn't be forced to create something for those who don't know what great writing really is. Another wrote that a full time writing career was impossible unless the author was willing to write self-help books, maudlin fiction, or formulaic romance novels. In short, these writers weren't interested in writing something that others would find valuable. They were only interested in creating something that was valuable to themselves and a close knit group of their literary friends.

If you want to make a successful career from something you enjoy doing, you need to find a way to make it valuable for other. You may be the best writer in the world but unless people are willing to purchase the books you write, you won't last long as a full-time writer. There are many writers who can write books that are technically superior to a romance novel, but there are few who can convince people that their story, characters, and overall message is worth a consumer's time and money.

The folly of focusing on what is valuable to the writer instead of the consumer is not limited to writers or others in the creative arts. I've known many engineers and scientists who were "forced" to work for a corporation because the pubic didn't realize how great their invention was or because they were unable to obtain funding for the research they thought was important.

People who make a living as writers or artists are not necessarily the best at their fields. They are successful because they have learned to create value for someone else. For the writer it means writing a book with a story and characters that people want to read. For an artist, it is creating a painting or sculpture that people want to display in a gallery or their homes. A musician needs to create a song that people want to listen to. An engineer needs to invent something that will truly make someone's life easier.

The world is full of starving artists. What separates them from those who are able to spend their time creating what they love successful is that they have developed the ability to create and sell something that people want to purchase. There are many talented people who could do what they love full-time if only they tried to create value for others instead of merely for themselves.

March Madness

I'm sure you're all dying to know which college basketball teams I picked to reach the Final Four. Here they are:

• Memphis
• Texas
• Univiersity of North Carolina
• Ohio State

Championship Game

• Ohio State
• Texas

Champion

• Texas

Kirby Puckett 1960-2006

I remember when some sports star from my father's or grandfather's era would pass away. My dad or grandpa would tell me about games they watched these sports star play in. I'd listen to their stories but in the back of my mind think how old that made may father or grandfather seem. The sports stars of my generation were still playing and it seemed at the time they would play forever.

Needless to say, I was surprised to hear last week that Kirby Puckett died at the age of 45. Though he played for the rival Minnesota Twins (the team thanks in part to Pucket's effort, that denied the Tigers a shot at the '87 World Series) he was a player I always admired not only because of his exceptional all-around baseball skills but because he was always one of those athletes that kept his nose clean. When he made the news it was because of his baseball skills, not because of contract negotiations or problems with the law.

Since my boys are too young to listen to or care about Kirby Puckett, Marathon Girl became my sounding board. And the entire time I talked to her about him, couldn't help but feel old.

More about that new job

I started blogging in 2000 -- about a year before my first wife died. My first blog was political in nature. (I'm not going to give out the blog's URL, but the curious can find it from this page in about four clicks of the mouse.) My blog consisted of whatever political insights I could type up during my lunch breaks at work. Though few people read it, I enjoyed writing political commentary. After my first wife died, I tried to keep the political blog going, but my passion for politics was gone. So I ended my political blog and started my widower blog.

It took several years for my interest in politics to be rekindled but eventually I became just as passionate about it as I was before the first wife died. (This took a little bit of adjusting on Marathon Girl's part for while we were dating and the first year we were married, I discussed politics very little.)

Occasionally a political post or two has made its way into this blog, though I've done my best to keep my political opinions off of this website as the main goal of this site is not political in nature. (That being said, there's enough of my personal views in my Suicide Survivor article and other pieces I've posted on this site that it would be easy to guess what direction I lean politically.)

So why am I writing about this?

Back in January I mentioned I took a new job and I mentioned that it was my dream job and I'd provide more information about it later.

Well, here's more information: my new job duties include writing political commentary. If you want to read what I write, click here.

Unless the topic is related to the message of this blog in some way, it's my intent to keep political commentary separate from this website since it serves a non-political purpose and audience. But for those who want to check up on my political writings, I've added a "My Political Writings" link under the Must Read sidebar of the blog. I've also updated my bio with links too. If anyone does want to discuss politics with me, I would rather keep it off these pages, but you can always send me an email.

Look for a regular, non-political post in the next day or two.

My wish came true

Remember how I wanted six more weeks of winter? Well, my wish was granted.

Suicide Survivor

About a year ago I became acquainted with a new term: suicide survivor. It was in an email from a woman whose husband had recently killed himself. She had read both my current and old blog and was looking for advice to help her make it through another day as a suicide survivor.

I found the term suicide survivor confusing. But with a little research I realized that the term didn't refer to one who attempted suicide and survived; rather, it refer to the loved ones left behind.

I reread the woman's email, and pondered what to say to her. Usually I can find some pearl of wisdom or my own experience to be of help to those who email me.

But this time my mind was blank.

After a few days I emailed her back. I can't remember what I said but I was left with the feeling that my words wouldn't be of much help or comfort.

Then a few months later another email arrived from a different suicide survivor. I replied but again felt my words would be of little comfort.

But the emails kept coming. Every few months another suicide survivor contacted me wanting to know how I put my life together. And every time I'd shoot off an email and think I really had nothing to say.

The emails from those suicide survivors lurk around in my mind and during an occasional quiet moment, I ponder what I could have shared with them that would have been of some value.

Though it's taken awhile to gather some thoughts on the subject, I finally have some words to share.

So to those suicide survivors who have wanted to know how I put my life back together and I learned to live again, this is for you.

Suicide Survivor

It's been said that time heals all wounds.

That may be true in matters of love. But the suicide of a loved one is a unique monster. The scars remain long after the person had died. Anger, feelings of betrayal, and lingering questions can last a lifetime.

It's been four and a half years since my first wife killed herself.

I can still hear the sound of the gunshot echoing from our bedroom. The acrid smell of gun smoke still stings my nostrils. The memories of that day are just as vivid as the moment they happened.

Memories of that day will never fade.

That is probably for the best.

***

After my first wife died, I labeled myself a widower.

I was no longer Abel. I wasn't a brother, a son, or a friend. I was a widower – a victim of my first wife's suicide. And for a long time, I thought I'd never be anything more than someone whose wife had died when he was 26.

Looking back I see the widower label hindered my ability to grow emotionally. And I started thinking that everyone else viewed me as a widower instead of Abel.

When I started dating again, I worried that the women I dated would only be able to see me as a widower. I never thought that someone out there would be able to see the positive things about me.

But someone did.

As my relationship with Marathon Girl become more intense, I realized a choice needed to be made. I could continue to think of myself as a widower, or I could become Abel again.

I chose to become Abel.

And with that choice came emotional growth, a wonderful relationship, and a more positive outlook on life.

So what does that have to do with being a suicide survivor?

Labeling yourself a suicide survivor is will stunt your spiritual and emotional growth just as much as labeling myself a widower did.

You're not a suicide survivor. You're a friend, a son or daughter, a brother or sister, a husband or wife, a mother or father. Think of yourself as James or Betty – whatever your name is. Think of yourself as anything other than a suicide survivor.

You didn't become a suicide survivor by choice.

So don't let the unfortunate actions of others define who you are. Don't let their bad decisions stop you from living your life.

***

Before my first wife took her own life, I never knew anyone who had killed themselves. Suicide was one of those things I thought was something reserved for depressed teenagers, the businessmen who had lost everything and couldn't live with the debt they had incurred, or those who were severely mentally ill.

Occasionally I heard stories about a friend of a friend of a friend who had committed suicide. These stories always seemed to be told in hushed tones as if to indicate they were never to be repeated. But in reality, the whispered conversations only emphasized to me suicide wasn't something ever to be discussed.

It wasn't until after my first wife died that I really understood why the someone's sucidie, was discussed in quiet way: no one really knows why a person would take his or her own life.

In the weeks or months that followed my first wife's death, I saw that very question in the eyes of family and friends: Why had my first wife killed herself? Their sad expressions pleaded for an answer that I didn't have.

Four and a half years later, I still don't know why my first wife killed herself.

And I probably never will.

It was difficult to learn to be okay with not knowing answers I desperately sought. When bad things happen, we want some justification for our lives being upended. For months I pondered my first wife's family history of mental illness or the incredible stress she was under in the weeks leading up to her death.

I soon learned that thinking about the reasons for her suicide were pointless.

Why?

The truth won't change what happened. Agonizing over the past would not bring my wife back from the dead.

Instead thinking about questions that could never be answered in this life, I started thinking about what I could learn from the experience and turn a negative into a positive.

Do the same.

Don't dwell on what you don't know.

Concentrate on your blessings and lessons learned.

***

Those who have lost a loved one to suicide and read my old blog always seem to have the same question: Where was my anger? Was I not upset that my wife killed herself?

The answer is yes, I was angry. Very angry.

The reason my anger doesn't appear in that blog is because I couldn't write when I was angry. But that doesn't mean the anger wasn't there.

I never knew what it was like to truly hate someone like I hated my first wife in the months following her death. I was mad that she killed herself and furious that she shortened the life of our unborn daughter in the process.

The anger was so intense that my first wife was blamed for anything that went wrong in my life.

Bad day at work? I blamed my dead wife.

Car problems? I blamed my dead wife.

The Broncos lost a football game? I blamed my dead wife.

My anger was so bad that I couldn't even write about how my first wife died on my old blog. Every time I tried to write about her suicide, I found myself typing out some drivel that I ended up deleting.

So for nine months I hid the manner of my wife's death from the readers of my blog just so I could write a coherent sentence.

At some point, however, I realized just how unproductive all that anger toward my dead wife was.

And once I could put the anger aside, I found my outlook on life improved. I found a richness to living I hadn't noticed before.

I'm not saying anger is a bad thing. I think anger toward someone who has killed themselves is beneficial. It's a natural emotion and part of the healing process.

But prolonged anger will eat at your soul.

So be angry at the person who took their own life. Scream your hatred into a mirror. Dance on their grave if it will make you feel better.

Then get over it.

Clear your soul.

Move on.

***

Let's go back to the beginning. The part where I mentioned it was for the best that memories of my first wife's suicide are still a vivid part of my memories.

Those memories remind me how short life is and how fortunate I am to be blessed with a second wife and two wonderful children.

The memories remind me to live every day to the fullest, to take nothing for granted and let those whom I love know how much I love them.

So to those who have lost a loved one to suicide, I'll say this: go and live your life. You live in a beautiful world that offers endless possibilities.

Don't wallow in misery, sorrow and anger.

Embrace life and choose to live.

***

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More widower-related articles by Abel Keogh

Up with Grief NEW!

Dating and Marriage: One Regret NEW!

Widowers: They're Still Men! NEW!

10 Dating Tips for Widows and Widowers

Photos of the Dead Wife

5 Signs a Widower is Serious About Your Relationship

How Vice President Joe Biden Dealt with Grief

Life with a Widower

Dating a Widower

The Grief Industry

Suicide Survivor

A Letter to Elizabeth

Sex and Intimacy with Widowers

The Widowerhood Excuse

How to Talk to a Widower

Red Flags to Watch for When Dating A Widower

Three years and counting

Marathon Girl,

Three years ago today you agreed to be my wife and made me the happiest man in the world.

I'm looking forward to spending the rest of our lives and eternity together.

Abel