Widower Wednesday: Putting Each other First

From the inbox comes the following email:

Abel,

Congratulations on your and Marathon Girl’s recent anniversary! It gives me hope that things can move forward with my widower. If I can ask, how are you and Marathon Girl able to make things work? Any secrets you can share would be great. My W and I are going through a rough patch and I really want thing to work out if at all possible.

Best,

D.

D.,

Thanks for reaching out. There’s not really a secret to our marital success. We just put each other first when issues come up and things usually work themselves out.  I know that it sounds simple, but it’s the key to any marital relationship.

Most of the time when I get emails from GOWs, WOWs, or widowers themselves asking for relationship advice, it’s because one or both of them aren’t putting the needs of the other person above their own interests, their kids, job, hobbies, etc. Admittedly it’s not always easy to do this and I don’t claim that me and Marathon Girl are prefect at this. However, when we’ve both put each other first the problem or issue in our relationship has generally worked itself out to the point where we can both live with it.

Sometimes this involves Marathon Girl and I talking things through and reaching some sort of compromise. Other times it means one or both of us have to delay or give something up in order for things to work out. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution for every problem or issue a couple may encounter. But if one or both of you don’t have the desire to put the happiness of your partner above your own, the relationship won’t last long. It takes two people learning about each other and growing with each other to give it long-term success.

I hope you can your widower can overcome this rough spot you’re going through and come out with a stronger relationship and more in love with each other in the end.

Hope this helps,

Abel

Widower Wednesday: How Long Should You Date a Widower Before Giving Up?

The other day I received an email from a woman who had been dating a widower for three years. Her email was filled with all kind of problems and issues that she had been dealing with from the very first date. From the tone of her email it sounded like she had reached the end of her patience and ability to deal with the photographs of the late wife all over the house, the constant stories about how great their marriage was, and feeling like she always was number two in the widower’s heart.

I replied to her email with once sentence: If things are so bad, why don’t you just end the relationship?

Her response was just as brief: I’ve already invested three years of my life into this relationship. I’ve spent too much time and energy to just give up on it.

I wish that was the first time I heard that answer to the question but it’s one I hear over and over again. Usually the longer the GOWs been in a relationship with a widower, the more likely it is to be a reason for staying in a bad relationship.

It’s easy to deceive ourselves and think that because we’ve put one year, three years, or five years into a relationship so if we just work on it a little longer or have more patience, everything will eventually work itself out.

In economics this kind of thinking is called the sunk cost fallacy. In short, the sunk cost fallacy is that once a person, a business, or a government has invested a lot of resources in something, it’s not worth quitting. You can apply this fallacy to education, sports, relationships, and just about anything else that requires a large investment of your time, energy, and/or money.

Recently I found myself doing my own dance with the sunk cost fallacy. Last month I wrote how my latest writing project had stalled because of a stressful work environment. I had been stressed on the job for some time but kept thinking things would change for the better and I’d start enjoying my job again. Besides, I could list plenty of things that I liked about my job. However, once I sat down and thought things through, I realized what I liked about my job wasn't worth the cost of coming home stressed out, not having the energy to play with the kids or being the kind of husband Marathon Girl needed. So I spent all of my free time looking for a better job, found one two months later, and my life is good again. I’m working two hours a day on my novel and have the time and energy to be there for my kids and Marathon Girl. And the first step to getting to this better place in my life was admitting that my old job was no longer worth it the time and energy I was putting into it.

When it comes to dating a widower, there comes a point where giving the widower one more chance or hoping that he’ll start living in the present is simply a waste of time. How much time it takes may vary depending on the circumstances of the relationship my personal opinion is that people don’t need more than a year to know whether or not a relationship has long-term potential (read marriage or some other lifelong commitment). Anything past that is simply wasted time and energy.

Looking back at my relationships with Marathon Girl and the late wife, I knew very quickly (within months) that they both were someone I could happily spend the rest of my life with. The relationships that didn’t work out I usually dragged out longer than necessary because I or the person I was dating thought things would work out if I just invested more of myself into it things would change.

So if you’ve been dating widower longer than a year and you’re not happy with where it's going, it might be a good time to think through the relationship and decide if all the pain and misery is worth it. Think about more positive things you could be doing with your time and life and decide if it’s worth the tradeoff. The little time we have in this world is a precious gift. It would be a shame to waste any more of it on someone who doesn't have your long-term interests at heart.

Widower Wednesday: Communication Alone Won’t Save Your Relationship with a Widower

From the inbox comes an email with a great question:

Dear Abel,

I’ve read your books and your blogs and have found them very helpful. I am also a member of your Dating a Widower Facebook group and enjoy the sisterhood there and knowing I’m not alone in my issues with a widower. As a result of your writings and the group, I’ve learned how to better communicate with my widowers and set boundaries.

One good thing that has come from all this is that I feel more confident in who I am as a woman. I no longer feel threatened by my widower’s deceased spouse and no longer worry about something I might have done or said if my widower withdraws emotionally or says or does something stupid. I realize that he has his own issues to deal with and that though I can be there to help, he’s the one who has to ultimately work through them. I can’t thank you and my other sisters on the board for helping me see this.

Despite the improved communication and boundary setting, the one big negative is that the widower himself hasn't changed that much or even made progress. Pictures of them still dot the house. He goes of on stories about things they did. I could go on but you get the idea.  In short, I can't see a future with him until he can give his heart to me. At this point I want to know what else I can do to help the relationship move forward or is it time to cut my losses and move on?

Thanks,

TP

TP,

I commend you for making great progress when it comes to learning how to communicate and setting boundaries. These are skills that will help you quite about not only in future relationships but with co-workers, friends, and family.

The reality is that communication skills and boundary setting are necessary ingredients for any healthy relationship  they only go so far. In the end it takes both parties to put the other person first and make a connection with them. And for some reason your widower doesn't want to do any of heavy lifting.  There could be a hundred reasons why he's chosen that path but the reason isn't important right now. Instead, you need to do what's best for you.

It sounds like you've fought the good fight and done everything in your power to make the relationship work but now it's time to move on. You're a better, stronger person now. You deserve better. Cut the ties and be free.

Abel

Widower Wednesday: Dealing with Adult Daughters and a New Relationship

A widower finds himself in a tough situation with his adult daughters:

I am kind of at a loss. My grown daughters, 45 and 41 are not doing well with my new relationship. Me and a woman have been together for a little over two years and have recently become engaged.

I guess I don't know how to talk to my daughters. I feel like I am being judged when trying to talk to them. . I had asked them if they would go to counseling with me and they acted like they would but when it came down to it, nothing. When my younger daughter finally came to one of my counseling sessions she talked the whole time and was upset when the counselor told her she needed some help. They probably need some grief counseling but they seem to use their circle of friends as their support group and so their friends seem to side with them.

Any ideas on how I can talk to them?

J

J,

One of the sad lessons I've learned over the years is that if people don't want to change, there's not much you can do for them. For example, a drug or alcohol addict will keep using and abusing their substance of choice until they hit rock bottom and want to change their lives. I know people who will lie, cheat, and steal every chance they get because they get a because they haven't been given a sufficient reason to change their behavior. Your daughters are adults. For better or worse, they can make their own decisions.  Unfortunately, unless you're daughter want to change and have a reason to make a change, it's not going to happen.

That being said, you've tried to help them and they've refused. You've tried to talk to them and they won't listen. So stop putting your life on hold and concentrate on making the life with your fiancé the best it can be. I'm not suggesting you cut your daughters out of your life, but I do suggest you stop waiting for their permission or them to move on in order to live your life or for you and your fiancé to be happy.

It's a good thing you've fallen in love again. It's a good thing you're engaged. It's a good thing the new woman in your life makes you happy. Make her the center of your universe. And if others won't be happy for you, that's their problem. You've got a life to live. Make the most of it.

Hope this helps,

Abel

Widower Wednesday: No One Wants to Date a Widower

From the inbox, a recent widower writes:

Abel

I've been widowed almost one year and have read most of your blogs, and your book Dating a Widower, so I could both prepare myself for, and be able to diagnose, any issues as I embarked on this next phase of life. I'm in my early fifties and my wife of more than 20 years passed away after an 18-month battle with cancer. I have two children who are both young adults.

With the support of the kids, I began dating in September and over the past four months have had numerous dates, most of which were pretty good. It took me some time to get comfortable with the process, but I had done the introspection and knew I could open my heart (to coin a phrase). I was ready and there have been no issues in that regard throughout the dating process.

Recently, I've had two situations where I was on second/third dates with the same person where they expressed concern over being the first "relationships" since I've been single. The dates had gone fine; we had connected well and I was getting a sense that things had potential to move forward into something greater. I found it concerning that, in two specific cases, things ended because they couldn't get past the thought that they were headed towards rebound relationships.

I suppose it could be a function of their own journey's (both divorces) but not sure if you or your reading population have experienced anything like this. It's as if a widower needs a resume of failed relationships to get others comfortable that they're in a good place and ready to build a life with someone. Dating in middle age is a challenge on many fronts, but this particular issue has me baffled as to how I approach the topic, or more appropriately, deal with the concerns. I've actually said to judge me on my actions not my past, but to no avail.

Sorry for the ramble but really perplexed. Thoughts?

P.

P.

Thanks for reaching out. Sorry to hear about your wife but glad that you’re moving forward. It’s good that your kids are supportive of you dating again. That always makes it easier. 

First, I’m glad you’re doing some research and doing your best to go into the next chapter as prepared as you can be to deal with some of the possible challenges that lie ahead. While it probably won't solve every issue, it will certainly help you avoid the most common mistakes widowers make when they get back in the dating game.

Second, the concerns that the women have about being a rebound relationship is normal. I recieve lots of emails from women who have just started dating a widower and are worried that he’s not ready to move on. Even if they see potential in the relationship, they don't want to be the rebound girl.

The best way to deal with this concern, in my experience, is to acknowledge that their concern is legitimate and you’d feel the same way if you were in their shoes. Then assuming you feel this way, tell them you’re willing to take things at whatever speed they’re comfortable with if they feel like moving forward. What’s important is that you’re honest them about your feelings and intentions about wanting to move forward and the speed you're willing to do so.

Just keep in mind that dating a widower isn’t for everyone. Some women will think it over and simply won't want to deal with it. There's nothing you, me, or anyone else can do about that. You’re doing the right thing by dating as often as you feel comfortable. Eventually you’ll find someone who’s willing to move forward with a widower and will be willing to give you that chance you’re looking for.

Hope this helps,

Abel

Widower Wednesday: 2 Things That Will Always Drive Widowers Away

For the most part these Widower Wednesday columns focus on knowing whether or not the widower you're dating is ready for a relationship or simply looking for companionship. Today, I'd like to focus on a two behaviors that will send a widower (or any man for that matter) running for the hills. It's something I've seen an increasing amount of in my inbox and on the Dating a Widower Facebook group so I thought this would be a good place to address it.

The behaviors? Being insecure and whining.

Most men don't like being around women want him to constantly reaffirm that he loves her. They don't like listening to a stream of problems they want the widower to fix or, at the very least, listen to. Men simply aren't wired that way. Men like women who like themselves. They hate criticism, nagging, and whining.

An example: Before I dated Marathon Girl, I had a serious relationship with a friend. (Full details of this relationship can be found in my memoir Room for Two.) Because it was a long distance relationship, we could only see each other every four to six weeks. As a result, most of our communications was spent on the phone or emailing each other. (This was in the days before texting was popular.)

At first things went fine but after a month or so I noticed that most of our conversations was her either getting reassurance that I loved her and a daily list of all the things and problems in her life. After several months of this it got to the point where I found our conversations emotionally exhausting. I no longer cared about her the problems with school, student teaching, or trying to find her first job. I wanted to hear positive stories and things she was doing to solve these problems. When we had face-to-face time, just about everything focused on her need for validation or all the issues in her life. It drove me nuts.

When I started dating Marathon Girl, it was the exact opposite experience. Yes, Marathon Girl had problems (who doesn't) but for the most part they weren't the front and center of every conversation. And when they did come up, Marathon Girl was wise enough to know what problems I could solve or help her with and which ones she needed to fix on her own. And after we had one of these conversations, we'd move on to something more positive.

For example, the first time I called Marathon Girl by my late wife's name, we had a five or 10 minute talk about why it had happened, how it made her feel, and what we were going to do if it happened again. Then we went outside and spent the next hour playing basketball. It wasn't an long, tear-filled conversation because it didn't need to be. We talked about it, figured out a solution, and moved on to something more positive.

Marathon Girl also didn't spend tons of time fretting about whether or not I loved her. She felt confident in herself that if our relationship came to an end, she'd find someone better who also didn't come with a bunch of widower baggage. She pretty much let me know that her life was fine before I came into it and if things didn't work out between us, she had marathons to run and medical school to prep for if things didn’t work out. That attitude was one of Marathon Girl's most attractive features.

So next time you find the widower withdrawing from a relationship, take a few minute and see if it's because the widower's not ready or if you're the one driving him away.  If you want a widower (or any man) to enjoy being around you, feel confident (or fake confidence) about yourself and your life. Stop dwelling on every bad thing or suffocating the widower emotionally. That kind of behavior respells men. Focus on the positive and you'll find that the widower can't get enough of you.

Widower Wednesday: Success Story: Jessica

For the next couple of weeks I'm sharing some success stories that women have had with their widowers. You can read the first story here. This week's story is below.

Jessica's Story

I had my first date with Stephen on July 3, 2013. We met on Match.com at the end of June, just 4 months after his LW took her own life in a prescription drug overdose. She died just a few months before their 10 year wedding anniversary, and they had dated 5 years before that. As he was only 32 at the time of her death and 33 when we met, he had spent most of her life with her. I was reasonably sure that he wasn't ready for a relationship when we started dating, but I took a chance on simply meeting someone new, as I had not gone out on a first date in a long time myself. I quickly discovered the Dating a Widower Facebook group and got a lot of support from there. Those women became my lifeline. I also found Abel Keogh's books, Dating a Widower, Life with a Widower,and Room for Two. Dating a Widower and Life with a Widower helped me realize I wasn't alone in my feelings and experiences. Room for Two gave me an idea of some of the experiences that Stephen may have had in dealing with the death of his late wife and the experiences of dating again after many years of marriage.

The first few months we dated were a bit awkward, with lots of stories about "my wife", even when they weren't related to the topic at hand. Those stopped when I told him that it made me feel uncomfortable and asked him to refer to her by his name. When we started dating, all of her clothes were still in the closet, her makeup and stuff was in the bathroom, and there was a large framed portrait in the living room. He lived in a one-bedroom apartment, so all things being considered, the living room was the best place for it. The clothing and picture went away after about 7 months of dating, which coincided with the anniversary of her passing. It took a lot of prompting and some tears on my part, but I also knew he had to do it on his time. It was really hard, though, hearing him tell me that he loved me, kissing and cuddling on his couch, while seeing a picture of his LW almost staring at us on the living room wall.

In the early spring, we started to talk about a future together. He told me that he wanted to marry me, but still seemed reluctant to really move forward and was unable to explain why. It was like getting married was just an idea, instead of something he was serious about. When I asked questions, he seemed to emotionally pull away. I didn't understand, and contemplated throwing in the towel and walking away. Around the time of our one year anniversary, we took a trip to visit my parents out of state. I was sure that he was going to ask my dad's permission to propose. He didn't, and again, I contemplated walking away. This went on for quite awhile. In early October, I bought him a Kindle copy of Abel's book Room for Two, as I thought reading about another man's journey as a survivor or suicide may speak to him. He read the book and then went on a Mens' retreat with our church. Both of those things really worked wonders,but something was still missing. I think that only Stephen would be able to speak to what that was, because I still had a deadline in my head of when I was going to walk away. I'm 37 years old and knew that I could only spend so much time in a relationship that was stagnant, before I had to move on.

Thanksgiving weekend, we traveled out of town to spend the holiday with my mom's side of the family. That morning, before everyone came over, he and I took a walk. He told me how much he loved me and asked me to marry him. When we got back to the house, he asked my dad's permission, and here we are.

If I were to provide any words of wisdom, it would be to communicate. Use words, not texts or emails. We share a religion and tried to pray together when times were really tough. No relationship is perfect, because nobody is perfect. Set realistic expectations, but don't let a W get away with stuff just because he's a W. Best wishes to all of you.

Widower Wednesday: Success Stories: Crystal

Over the holidays there was six engagement announcements from the GOWS on the Dating a Widower Facebook page. Because Widower Wednesday columns tend to focus on problems rather than more positive moments, I asked the ladies to share their success stories. Over the next several weeks you'll read some of their stories. It is my hope is that you'll find them inspirational and educational.

Here's the first success story.

Crystal's Story

I was divorced at the age of 25 with a 4 year old and had decided to wait a couple years before dating again. When that time came around I had heard about online dating websites but had never actually used one. So I signed up and made a really quick profile and within two days I received an email from my widower.

 I read his profile which indicated that he was a W with two young children aged seven and one. I met him for dinner a week later. Within two months I moved into his home, left my job and became a stay at home mom. The reason behind all this, was the children were suffering. I became “Mom” quickly and we seemed to skip over every milestone a normal relationship would have. It's as if we went from dating for two months to being married with 3 children full time under the age of seven. My widower had lost his late wife 12 weeks after the birth of their daughter, so only eight months after she passed was I living in his home.

Things were difficult for the first year and trying in every aspect. Grief from my widower and his son, raising a new baby girl, blending a family, on top of my health spiraling out of control. I was patient, kind and respectful the first year, helped with date of death memorials and the spreading of late ashes, but I could have done better. I was very short, quiet, and even angry at times whenever someone would mention her name, or a memory of her. In short that was my own insecurities, not feeling good enough when really they just missed her.

Counseling, talking things out and never giving up on each other is what pushed us through the last three years. I give my everything and so does he. Anytime we have an issue, I would talk about it, sometimes not in the best way, sometimes I was very hurtful and sometimes so was he without trying to be. It has all been worth it, every tear, every fight, every discussion, every tough decision and every night that I lay awake wondering if I am doing everything right.

On Christmas 2014, the kids, the widower, and I opened our presents and as I was cleaning up the widower went outside. I didn't realize or even pay attention to what he was doing, I kept cleaning and he entered through the front door and said, “Hey kids, time for Mom to open her last gift.”

I looked up and he was down on one knee next to the kids with tears filling up in his eyes.

He said "Crystal, Will you please marry me?"

I balled my eyes out and couldn't even speak, he slipped the ring on my finger and I kissed and hugged him saying "YES!" Needles to say two-and-a-half years of being patient, being kind, loving each other to the fullest and making our children first priority lead us to that day.

Please ladies give them time, give them love, be patient, speak about what bothers you but not in a way that attacks but in a way that gives them an example of what it feels like to be in your shoes. Love is key.

Widower Wednesday: What Red Flags Should I Look for When Dating a Widower?

Recently I received an email from a GOW who had just started dating a widower. Though the relationship was still in the early stages, she wanted to know what red flags she should be on the lookout for so she could know if he was ready to move on or not.

I’ve previously posted a list of red flags that anyone dating a widower should be aware of. While that list covers the biggest, most common ones, it doesn’t take into account other warning signs that the widower may not be ready to move on or individual circumstances, wants, and needs that come with each relationship. So, here are three things GOWs can do to see if there are other red flags they should be worried about.

1. Know What You Want in a Relationship

Before you can identify other red flags in any relationship, it’s important to know what you’re looking for when it comes to a man. You need to have a good idea what values you want a potential partner and what behavior you expect from him before you can identify red flags. Once you know what you want, compare that list to the widower’s values and actions. Do you feel that he loves and respects you or do you feel mistreated and unsure if how he feels about you? Mark anything that doesn’t line up with what you expect as a possible red flag.

2. Figure Out if You're Making Grief-Related Excuses for His Behavior

After you've identified potential red flags, take a step back and see if you’re making grief-related excuses for his behavior. You determine if you're putting up with a widower's actions, comments, and behavior that you wouldn't tolerate from a divorced of single man. If you are, you need to stop making excuses for his behavior. Allowing someone to misbehave for any reason is simply going to encourage them to keep doing it. You need to put your foot down and start treating him like you would any other guy you'd date and see if he's willing to move on or not.

3. Decide What You Can and Can't Live With

After going through the first two steps, take a long, honest look at the widower and decide if he was to stay exactly the same person as he is today (red flags and all), could you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? Not everyone is going to line up perfectly with what we want in a spouse. What you need to decide is if the red flags you've identified are things you can live with or deal breakers. If you can't live with them, then you need to decide how much more time and energy you're willing to invest in the relationship that's not going anywhere.

Don't be afraid to walk away from a relationship that's not going anywhere. Breaking up isn't fun or easy, but in the long run it beats staying in a relationship that's not going anywhere. Have the courage to be honest with yourself and the widower about any red flags. You'll both be better off for it.

Widower Wednesday: Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend

Note: I've got a fun announcement coming out Monday. If you want to be the first to know about it, sign up for my newsletter.

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Dana posted the following comment on a recent Widower Wednesday post.

I am a widower and want to know if it is OK to propose to my girlfriend and give her the engagement diamond I bought 30 years ago for my first wife.  It is large, beautiful, and I was planning to get it set in something my girlfriend would adore.  The diamond is special to me (more than any new store-bought one could ever be) and has been a token of my love for 30+ years.  Thoughts?

The diamond probably has a lot of meaning to you but it's probably not going to have the same sentimental value to your girlfriend. This isn't a diamond that your grandmother had or even your mother had.  We're talking about a diamond that was worn by your late wife.

Think about that.

Would you wear a wedding band that your girlfriends ex or late husband would have worn? Wouldn't you rather have something that was meant something to you?

Your girlfriend is a different person. If you're going to ask her to spend the rest of her life with you, the least you can do is give her a new diamond or other precious stone—something that has special meaning for her.  You're starting a new chapter in your life. There's no reason to make your past life a part of it.

As for your late wife's diamond, keep is somewhere special and safe and don't let the feelings, emotions, or memories that come with it interfere with your new relationship.