Widower Wednesday: Giving Books to Widowers

Marrying a Widower Update: The manuscript was sent off to the second proofreader last night. It is scheduled to be back in my inbox sometime this weekend. After I do a final review I’ll send it to the designer for typesetting and start working on converting it to various ebook formats. Right now it’s looking like two weeks before I’ll have copies in my hands. You can pre-order Marrying a Widower here if you’d like to get a personalized copy as soon as they arrive.

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With Marrying a Widower just a few weeks from being released, I’ve received lots of inquiries from GOWs and WOWs about whether or not it would be beneficial to give that book or some of my other books to their widower to read.  Giving widowers books about, grief, dating again, or moving on is a hit or miss proposition. Based on feedback I’ve seen on discussion boards or in my inbox, widower are either really open to the idea of reading these kind of books or get upset that his girlfriend thinks he needs to read one. (I say this as someone who probably would have been a little offended if Marathon Girl had tried to give me a book about dating when we were seeing each other.)

Obviously, you’d like a book to help or enhance your relationship instead of destroying it. So if you’re thinking about giving your widower one of my books or a some other book about dating or moving on, here general guidelines to consider before taking that step.

Read the book first. Please, please, please, read any book about grief, dating, or remarrying before you give it to your widower. Don’t just give him or buy him a book without knowing what’s in it. Every book is written to a specific audience and a unique perspective. You want to give him a book has a point of view that you more or less agree with. For example, if the widower has photos of his late wife all over the home that are making you feel like second best, the last thing you want to do is give him a book that says having photos of the deceased spouse up is wonderful and will strengthen your relationship. Besides, a widower will be more likely to read the book if you say you’ve read it first.

Present it to him in the right way. There’s a time and a place for everything. Even though you may be anxious for him to read a book, sometimes waiting a couple days or even a week or two for the right moment to talk about it can increase his receptiveness to reading it. For example if the widower is stressed about work or family related issues, it may not hurt to wait until some of that dies down before you add something else to his plate.

Not everyone is a reader. I intentionally make my relationship books short because I know lots of people don’t like to read. I figure if the book is on the short side the more likely they are to read it. If there is just a chapter or two that you think the widower needs to read, suggest he read those chapters instead of having him read the entire thing. As the old saying goes, it’s a lot easier to eat an elephant one bite at a time instead of all at once. For some people a bite or two might be all they need.

The book should be able to start a discussion, not solve problems. All the books in the world aren’t going to solve relationship problems. A good book about dating a widower, for example, should help GOWs and WOWs evaluate your relationship with your widower and, if you choose to share it with him, start a discussion. If there are issues that need to be addressed it’s up to both of you to figure out the best way to solve them. Just because a widower reads the book you give him, doesn’t mean a light is going to go on in his head or that he’s going to agree with it. Relationships that last take a lot of work. Hopefully any grief/dating/moving on book you both read will help of you address certain issues, communicate better, and motivate you to take the next step in your relationship.

In the end it’s up to the widower to pick up the book and read it. But you can make that option more enticing for him. Hopefully he’ll be open enough to at least read a book or a couple chapters so the two of you can talk about it.

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If you have any success or horror stories or horror stories about giving a widower a book about dating again or moving on, please feel free to share them in the comments below. A lot of good insight has been shared in the comment section of other Widower Wednesday posts.

Widower Wednesday: How to Talk to a GOW

Marrying a Widower Update: I finished the second round of edits to Marrying a Widower on Monday. The book is now in the hands of a grammar guru/proofreader. Once the proofreading is complete it will be typeset and formatted for eReaders. If things go as scheduled, it should be released in approximately two weeks. The book will be available in paperback and all major eReaders (Kindle, Nook, etc.). Personalized copies will also be available for purchase at my store for those who want them.

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Every so often I get an email from a friend or family member of a GOW who’s worried about their friend/sister/daughter’s relationship with a widower. They claim to know the widower isn’t ready to move on and is just using their friend or family member for his own selfish purposes. They’ve tried talking and reasoning with their loved one but no matter what they say to the GOW, she refuses to heed their advice and seems oblivious to the red flags that everyone else sees. They want to know what the best way is for them to get this person to listen to them and out of the relationship before she gets her heart broken.

For the sake of this discussion, let’s assume that the concerned party is correct and the GOW is in a relationship with a widower who doesn’t really love her. How do you get someone like that to see the light?

Even though there is no one-size-fits-all solution to how to talk to someone, it’s been my experience that approaching these situations is with love, kindness, and understanding that the person is free to make their own decisions goes a lot farther than a direct confrontation. We’re all different and respond to criticism and suggestions differently. Some people may respond to direct criticism well, but most don’t.

For example, I think most of you know that my late wife, Krista, killed herself. Though no one knows the exact reason she did it, the best answer I have was is that it was from an undiagnosed mental illness. About a month before Krista died, her brother realized that something was seriously wrong with her. At least once a day I’d get a call from him updating me on Krista’s latest antics and trying to tell me she needed help. Even though he was right about Krista’s behavior, he was usually condescending when talking to me and treated me like an idiot for not seeing the same thing he did. As a result, I hated talking to him and refused to take his input as seriously as I should have. In my mind he was over analyzing things. Krista was pregnant after all, why couldn't he see that this was just a hormonal change instead of a mental issue? If her brother would have approached the situation differently, I might have taken his concerns more seriously.

It’s impossible to say whether or not Krista’s death could have been prevented or even postponed had I headed his words. However, I do know that if her brother had simply calmed down and approach the situation differently, I might have listened to what he was saying. Instead, he was so sure that he was right, it was easy for me to tune him out and dismiss his concerns.

I’ve learned over the years of responding to emails from GOWs and WOWs that they tend to listen to what I have to say if I guide them to the answer about their situation instead of just telling them that he’s not ready to move on. One thing that Marathon Girl does extremely well knowing how to talk about things with me about important issues in our marriage. She’s very good at making me think through the problem instead of telling me what she thinks I should do or what she wants me to do. As a result, 95% of the time we arrive at the same conclusion without any hurt feelings or fights.

So consider how you’re approaching the situation with the GOW. Are you doing it in such a way that they’ll listen or tune you out? Are you constantly giving them unsolicited advice or beating them over the head with it so they don’t want to talk to you anymore or tune you out like I tuned out Krista’s brother?

Even if you approach the situation the right way and with nothing but love and kindness in your heart when you talk to them, the GOW may not listen. Ultimately you have to accept fact that people are free to make their own decisions—even if that eventually bring them unhappiness and misery. For some people, making bad choices and learning the hard way via personal experience is the only way they’re going to learn. As a parent I’ve seen that many times with my own kids who lose privileges and because they refuse to do their chores or homework and lose privileges. My own parents could probably tell countless stories about dumb decisions I made both as a kid, a teen, and an adult despite their best attempts to warn me about the path I was walking.

If someone refuses to listen, don’t give up. Just realize that at some point you have to drop it and let the relationship work itself out for better or worse. But if it does end badly and everything you told them would happen comes to pass, don’t tell them “I told you so!” when they come crying to you for support. Give them a hug and let them know you still love them and will always be there for them. That way if another tricky situation comes up they’ll listen to what you have to say or even go out of their way to seek your advice.

Widower Wednesday: Abundance vs. Scarcity

For those who missed it, the final Marrying a Widower cover can be viewed here. The book will be available next month. I hope to have an exact release date soon.

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Over the last couple weeks I’ve been emailing back and forth with a woman who’s been dating a widower for nearly two years. For the last six months she’s realized that the widower isn’t ready to give her the kind of relationship that she wants. Even though she knows he’s not ready to make her number one, she’s still having a hard time leaving him. With her permission, I quote from one of her emails the reason why she won’t end it:

I know that in some ways I’m settling but I don’t know if I can ever find someone else who will even treat me halfway decently. The widower’s may not make me number one but he’s not abusive nor does he have any bad habits. I dated off and on for years after my first marriage ended in divorce and most of the available men had serious problems I didn’t want to deal with. I feel like if I leave him and start over that I either won’t be able to find someone or end up with someone who won’t treat me right. Plus, I do love this man with all my heart. I don’t know if I have the strength to go through another relationship.

Some of you may be familiar with the scarcity vs. abundance mentality. It was coined by Stephen Covey in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. For those who haven’t heard of it before, Covey defines those terms as follows:

Most people are deeply scripted in what I call the Scarcity Mentality. They see life as having only so much, as though there were only one pie out there. And if someone were to get a big piece of the pie, it would mean less for everybody else. The Scarcity Mentality is the zero-sum paradigm of life.

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The Abundance Mentality, on the other hand, flow out of a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It is the paradigm that there is plenty out there and enough to spare for everybody. It results in sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives, and creativity.

So what does this have to do with Dating a Widower?

I often read emails from women who are willing to settle for unsatisfactory or unrewarding relationships but hesitant to leave them. There are lots of reasons for this but they usually express sentiments similar to the concerns the email sent me. They’d rather settle for half a loaf then patiently look for someone that can make them truly happy. These attitudes are the relationship version of the scarcity mentality. It’s a mentally I know very well.

When I started dating again after Krista’s death, I felt like damaged goods. I didn’t think there was anyone out there who would want to marry a young widower. One of the reasons I got into a relationship with someone I really didn’t love was because I thought I my widower status made me less than desirable to women. I figured that settling for half a loaf was better than getting nothing. Thankfully, I met Marathon Girl and realized that I had been selling myself short.

Granted, a mental paradigm shift won’t fix a relationship or guide you to someone who will treat you like a queen. However, it’s how you mentally approach a problem that helps you decide what action, if any, to take. If you’re unhappy with the person you’re dating but don’t think you can do any better, odds are you’re not going to take the necessary steps to improve your situation. Conversely, if you believe that there’s someone who will treat you like a queen, there’s little incentive to stay in a less than fulfilling relationship

So if you find yourself in a relationship with a widower who’s not ready to move on, marry you, or otherwise give you the relationship you want, don’t think so little of yourself that you end up settling for someone who doesn’t really love you. It’s a big, big world out there with endless possibilities. In the end if you stay with someone who won’t make you number one, you’ve got no one to blame but yourself.

Widower Wednesday: Reprise

Thanks to everyone who voted for their favorite Marrying a Widower cover. Depending on how fast the graphic designer can turn the cover around, I’m hoping to post the final cover on the website sometime tomorrow.

Also, I need to get the final Marring a Widower manuscript off to the second editor tonight. As a result, I'm posting a previous Widower Wednesday column below. A new column will appear next Wednesday.

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The Sainted Late Wife Part I

A joke that was recently posted on the Dating a Widower Facebook Group goes something like this:

In a hurry, the man walked out into the street and managed to snag a taxi that was passing by.

What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.

“Perfect timing,” the cabbie said. “You’re just like Bill.”

“Who?” asked the man.

“Bill Smith,” said the cabbie. “There’s a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time.”

“I don’t believe you,” the man said to the cabbie. “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

“Not Bill,” said the cabbie. “He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.”

“Bill was really something, huh?”

“Oh, yeah,” continued the cabbie. “Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out.”

“No wonder you remember him,” the man said.

“Well, I never actually met Bill,” said the cabbie.

“Then how in the world do you know so much about him?” the man asked.

“I married his widow,” the cabbie replied.

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I think most people who are dating a widower can relate to the above joke. Often it seems like the late wife was the most perfect person who ever lived.  Yet the late wife was just as human as everyone else and had her faults and bad moments too. The problem is that after someone dies those who are left behind usually remember only the good things about the deceased. This can make it hard for those who are dating a widower to feel like they can never be as good a wife or mother as the dead.

So what’s the best way to deal with it?

I’ve tried several times to come up with my thoughts on the topic but have been unable to come up with I consider helpful. Instead, I’ve asked readers to contribute stories about how they’ve dealt with it. I received so many good ones that I’m going to make this a two part essay. Look for another for or five essays on this topic next week. Hopefully you find their stories helpful. If you have a story you want to share, it’s not too late. Email it to me by Monday and I’ll include it in next week’s column.

Anabelle’s Story

I am fortunate that my soon-to-be husband has never, ever made comparisons between me and his late wife, nor has he laid down expectations that I do things the way she did them. (Ditto with his friends and family, who have been nothing but supportive of our relationship and welcoming toward me.) He has always loved me for who I am, and has told me so time and again. In fact, as much as he loved his late wife, he was thankful that widowhood gave him the opportunity to fill his life with new experiences and people.

So what do I have to add to the discussion of the sainted dead wife? Perhaps worse than the widower or his friends and family making comparisons is this: You making those comparisons and judgments on your own. I fell into that trap, and it took me a while to get out.

Deb seemed like super woman in my eyes. She kept horses, she quilted, she was a talented athlete and a loving mother, she was an amazing gardener, she worked the farm with her husband, she could drive a tractor with finesse and confidence, she endured 17 years of chemotherapy, surgeries, hospitalizations and pain/discomfort that accompanied her cancer, and she never complained or said “Why me?”

I used to wonder, how can this wonderful man put up with me after 23 years of living with a brave and intelligent woman like her? I am scared of horses, I have never driven a tractor (even now that I live on a farm), my gardening prowess is mediocre at best, I am terrible at sports, and I am grumpy as hell if I don’t get a good night’s sleep. I am also impatient, have no mechanical aptitude and sometimes feel as if I have no confidence in myself.

My fiancé is also the first to acknowledge that Deb could be a hard-ass, she had a cantankerous relationship with their son, she gave up early any attempts to have her own career in the field she had studied, and though she could grow flowers, she could not arrange them in a vase to save her life.

In essence, Deb was a human being, and so am I. She had strengths and weaknesses, accomplishments and failures. So do I.

I realized I was only taking inventory of my weaknesses when I compared myself to Deb. I overlooked my strengths. These include making a successful career doing what I love, being financially self-sufficient, making a wonderful life as a single person with good friendships and meaningful activities, and having the tenacity and discipline to be able to ride my bicycle 100 miles in a day. I think Deb would have admired these accomplishments, just as I admire and respect hers.

But more importantly, I learned that if my fiancé didn’t compare me to Deb, then I shouldn’t either, whether the comparisons are based on positive attributes or negative ones. Admiration and respect are good. Comparisons are crazy-making.

Both my fiancé and his late wife have taught me this valuable lesson, and have helped me appreciate my self-worth without making comparisons to anyone.

Nina’s Story

I feel as though I am the most fortunate wife of a former widower on the planet. My husband has not once verbalized a comparison between his LW and me. I have never even been given the impression that he was doing such. He has never said or done a single thing to make me feel anything less than number 1.  So of course then, I never had problem with LW comparison, right? Wrong.

Instead of outward comparisons or contrasts from my widower or their friends, it happened internally. I did it to myself. I always wondered where I stood- how I measured up. I never knew the woman. I only had tiny snippets of her life that I collected from various conversations over time. Some of them include:

• Her laughter could light up a room
• She was always so kind
• You never saw her without a smile on her face
• While she battled cancer, her first thought was always about others
• She loved to help others less fortunate

How in the world could I compete with that? I figured my W thought, “Well, Nina’s all good and well. She’s a fine ol’ gal, but she’s no LW.”

I certainly couldn’t ask how I measured up. I had to deal with that demon on my own- in my own time- in my own way. I almost had to get to know her in my own way, grieve her loss in my own way, and then finally move on without her presence… in my own way.  So, I had to lose her too. Now I no longer resent her for simply being here before me. She doesn’t constantly eat at my conscience. She just simply- was.

Andrea’s Story

Practically growing up with his LW has been one of the toughest things to deal with while dating my W. I’m compared to her very often. She and I were best friends in High School and the years afterward and I was a bridesmaid in her wedding to my current boyfriend. We shared a lot (never thought it would be a love interest). We dated for the first time together, drove for the first time together, graduated together, found first loves around the same time, etc. She and I were close as friends that grow up together can be.

When she died, a part of me died. I was there for her family and friends, including her very young widower. When he and I started seeing one another in a different light, just six weeks after she passed away, no one was prepared or ready to deal with that. When people started to find out about us, many jumped to conclusions that W was replacing her with me, since we were similar in so many ways.

There is no way to sugar-coat the way I felt—it hurt. I am an individual, with thoughts and opinions, expressions and features that are all my own. Some things she thought were funny/silly/stupid/good/bad and I didn’t agree. There are still so many things that we did have in common. I did worry about where the W’s mind was when he took a liking to me so soon after she passed away. Was he out of his mind? Was he really into me or was he just needing that attention and affection? Did he like me because I knew her and knew how much he loved her a missed her? Did he pick me because I just happened to be available at that time? Did this happen because God has a plan for us? So many questions that I had no answer for.

Her family had and still has a hard time with us. At first, they felt like I was robbing Matt of his grief. They thought, “Well, Molly has a bubbly personality, and so did LW, so maybe she just temporarily fills that hole for him.” They loved her with everything they have, and are more traumatized by this because of her surprise death at the young age of 26. At her funeral, and most funerals, the clear message was how wonderful, sweet, kind, loving, joyful she was. Now, throw in that her husband, six weeks later, has a new lady in his life. She (me) can never be a perfect as this woman that hundreds of people are mourning. She doesn’t hold a candle to this icon that reigns with perfection of womanhood, marriage, loyalty, etc. She is the bad guy and has taken this precious dedication of life of the LW and smashed it into the ground. At least, that’s how they may have seen it.

I’ve coped with being compared to her and to not ever being able to match up to her for them. That is something I will never be able to be compared to, nor do I want to. However, when it comes to my boyfriend, he has ended comparing us. He has seen that I am me, individually me, with my quirks, passions, desires and dreams that are all mine and he loves me for that. Originally, I appealed to him because I was available, but over some time and deep thought on this situation, he began to love me as me, not because I was her friend.

Sarah’s Story

I think many of the comparisons are all in our heads.  For example, I would imagine he was thinking about her when I was helping him cook in her kitchen and judging me lesser cooking skills.  I would imagine he was thinking about her when a love song would play.   I would imagine he was thinking about her when he was intimate with me comparing our body differences.   I would ask questions about her and then i wish i didn’t know because I would them have more ammunition to compare myself to her.

He is still very close with her family.  When I attended their events I would imagine they were comparing me to her and thinking I wasn’t good enough for him.  My W carried a picture of his LW in his wallet.   It’s her picture from the year they met.  She’s absolutely beautiful. This picture made me feel so inadequate. I was never that beautiful in my youth.  Or at least I never felt I was.  But who knows if she felt the same about herself. We are all pretty insecure and self conscious.

I realize now that was only my own insecurities coming out.  Thinking back I can’t recall anyone ever actually comparing us, at least not to my face.  It really was all in my imagination.  i was really the only one comparing the two of us. It’s all that negative self talk that we GOW’s have to stop ourselves from dwelling on.

Widower Wednesday: Cover Suggestions

Instead of dishing out advice this Wednesday, I'm asking for your help. I'm working with a designer on the Marrying a Widower cover but seem to be hitting a brick wall. We've gone through several rounds of designs but I'm kind of stuck on how to make it better. The cover below is the latest design. Though I like the two rings, something about the angle of the woman's ring isn't quite right. But I guess I've looked at this an similar concepts so long, I can't think straight.

So check out the cover below and ask yourself the following questions:

• If the woman's ring has a better position, would that work?
• Is there another universal image that would signify marriage aside from wedding rings?
• Anything else that would make the cover more attractive?

Keep in mind that since this is a follow-up book to Dating a Widower I'd like to keep some of the same branding elements in place so readers will know the two books are connected. Also I'm still working on a subtitle. The one on this cover isn't final. Anyway, please send me your suggestions. I could use a good dose of insight and creativity now. Post your thoughts in a comments below or send me an email.

Widower Wednesday: Testing the Water

Marrying a Widower update: I’ve gone through and selected the stories I’m using for the book but haven’t sent out any notifications emails because I’m in the process of editing a few of them. So if you haven’t heard back from me, don’t worry. You should have the email about your story this weekend.

Also, I got the bloodied manuscript back from the editor on Monday. I’ll finish up rewriting the manuscript based on her suggestions tonight then send it off to a handful of beta readers (who are all married to widowers) for their input. The book is still on track for publication sometime in April.

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The other day I got an email from a GOW whose widower just asked her to move in with him. Though she loved the man and wanted the relationship to move forward, she was hesitant to start living with him because of the way the widower made the request. He said living together would be a good test to see how compatible they really were. The fact that the widower felt the need to test out living together instead of using it as a stepping stone toward marriage made the GOW pause. She asked if his desire to test things out was a red flag she should be concerned about.

You can’t test a lifelong commitment or try out unconditional love. Either people know the relationship is going to work or they don’t. And it doesn’t take living together for months or years to figure it out if two people are compatible. I knew within a few weeks of dating Krista that I could be happy spending the rest of my life with her. With Marathon Girl I knew on the second or third date that she was the one for me. I never had the desire to “test” the relationships because I knew that I could be happy spending my life with either of them. Maybe others don’t know that fast, but a good chunk of my married friends (male and female) knew they could be happy with their eventual spouses within two or three months of dating. They may not have rushed to get married after that realization but there wasn’t any doubt in their minds that that had found someone they could be happy with for the rest of their lives. Of my friends who choose to live together before tying the knot did it more out of convenience or to spend more time together—not because they weren’t sure if things were going to work out.

Widowers who want to live together as some sort of test drive are expressing their true doubts and concerns about the long-term potential of the relationship. If you’re going to start living together there shouldn’t be any doubt in either of your minds that you can see yourself spending the rest of your lives together. Love and commitment don’t need to be tested. They’re either part of a relationship or they aren’t. So unless you have your own misgivings about the relationship, moving in with a widower as a test drive isn’t a good idea.

WW Late II

Due to a computer error, Widower Wednesday is running a little late today. It will still be posted today, it just might be rather late. Thanks for understanding.

Abel

Widower Wednesday: Leap of Faith

I’ll be sending Marring a Widower off to my editor tonight. That means I’ll be going through all the submitted stores over the next few days. Hopefully by the time I get the manuscript back next week I’ll have read through all of them and will know which ones will be included in the book.

Also, if you’ve sent me an email in the last week or so about widower-related concerns, I’ll be catching up on emails as well over the next few days. I’ve been so busy with the book I’ve been neglecting email as well. I apologize for the delay. Look for a reply in your inbox soon!

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Yesterday Marathon Girl and I celebrated our ninth wedding anniversary. During the day I thought about our courtship and all the issues we had to work through in order to reach a point where we could tie the knot.  It took a lot of effort on both our parts to make it that far but we both wanted things enough that we were willing to put in the necessary effort to make it happen.

Even after all our work it still took a leap of faith for both of us to take the ultimate step. Marathon Girl knew she was the center of my universe because of my words and actions. For example, there were no guarantees that it would be smooth sailing. There was always a chance, however small, that I could decide that I had made the wrong choice or wasn’t ready to move on. On the other side even though I knew Marathon Girl was working through her concerns but there was no certainty that she wouldn’t just throw up her hands and say that she couldn’t take it anymore. Despite this we pressed forward and pledged our love to each other for all eternity.

I bring this up because sometimes I read through my emails or posts on the Dating a Widower Facebook group and see a lot of GOWs and widowers who are madly in love with each other but have just enough doubt about the future that they’re scared to take that next step because there’s a chance that, for whatever reason, it may not work out.

Marrying someone is a journey. And whether you’re marring a widow(er), someone who’s divorced, or someone who’s single, you can only see so far into the future. Every act of marriage is a leap of faith as there are never any guarantees what will happen one, five, or 10 years down the road. Sometimes our spouse makes choices that throw a monkey wrench into the marriage and destroy it. Other times life events (job loss, illness) come and add stress and other issues into the relationship. But trials and tribulations will come no matter what choice we make. Hard times are simply part of our life on Earth.

There are no guarantees that anything in this life will turn out the way we hope or want them to. But I’ve found that more often than not sometimes you just got to take that step into the unknown then work hard and pray that things pan out. Taking a chance after you’ve done all that you can do is better that living in a constant state of worry about what to do.

Not all of my leaps of faith have panned out but most of them have. Even those that haven’t worked have taught me enough that I’ve been able to make better decisions down the road. My marriage to Marathon Girl has far exceeded both of our expectations. I’ve never been happier with someone even when hard and challenging times have presented themselves. No matter what difficult circumstances have come, we’ve held each other’s hand and worked through them together.

So if there aren’t any major red flags in your relationship, don’t let unfounded worries hold you back from marrying the person you love. There will always be hard times in our lives, but often these hard times are easier to deal with when we have that one special person to walk by our side and help us out along the way.

Widower Wednesday: Forgive and Forget

Thanks to all those who submitted stories for Marrying a Widower. I’m currently taking some of Marathon Girl’s feedback and working feverishly to hit the March 1 deadline to send this version to my editor. I’ll be reviewing the stories and getting back to those who submitted them the first week in March.

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From the inbox:

I just wasted the last year of my life dating a widower. From everything he said I thought we were meant to spend the rest of our lives together. We went on vacations, met each other’s families, and were even talking marriage. Yes, there were signs he was struggling but he always seemed to bounce back and assured me he was working through any issues he was having.

Last week he dropped the bomb. He told me it was over and that things couldn’t move forward. He confessed that he never really loved me and but was never able to be honest with me about how he felt because he didn’t want to be alone.

All I have done for the last week is cry. But I’m also furious at this man for deceiving me and using me for his own selfish purposes. I know I need to move on but can’t because I feel used and abused and want to strangle the man that just last week held me in his arms and said that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. What’s the best way to get over a widower who broke my heart?

First, I’m sorry the widower led you on for a year. Breakups are always hard but they’re worse when you learn the person has just been in a relationship for all the wrong reasons.

If moving on is what you want to do, you’re going to need to forgive widower for everything he did. Forgiving someone isn’t an easy thing to do especially when someone has intentionally hurt or won’t admit any wrongdoing, but that’s ultimately what has to happen in order for you to find peace in your life.

Unfortunately, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all formula for forgiving someone since everyone had different ways of coping and moving on. Forgiveness is an act of the mind and of the heart. Some high level suggestions that have helped me include:

• Get rid of anything that reminds you of the widower. There’s something cathartic about getting rid of physical objects that remind you of him or the relationship. Anything that reminds you of him and your relationship will only hold you back and stoke any anger and resentment you have. Take anything that reminds you of him and give it away or destroy it.
• Have one good venting session. Whether you need to talk to a friend, go someplace private where you can scream at the top of your lungs, or write you feeling out on paper have one good session where you can get all the pain and sadness out of your body. Make it a good one because in order for it to be effective, you can only do it once.
• Don’t get even. When someone hurts us it’s normal to want to hurt them back. In the long run that’s not going to do anything other than make the situation worse. Hold your head up high and don’t lower yourself to his level.
• Stop being a victim. You have no control over the actions or thoughts of others. What happened, happened. Stop seeing yourself as a victim. Doing this will help release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life
• Do something good for someone else. There’s always someone out there that is hurting more than us. Try to do at least one kind thing for someone else every day. Doing good and focusing your thoughts on others goes a long way toward moving on and finding that inner peace.

Even though I don’t have a clear cut way of doing this, I personally know that forgiveness is possible. There is no way I could have married Marathon Girl or started a family with her if I hadn’t forgiven Krista for killing herself. If you’re serious about wanting to move on, you’ve got to figure out a way push the anger out of your heart and mind. Until you can let go of the hard feeling you have, your life is going to be stuck in a rut.

Widower Wednesday: The Wrong Question

FINAL REMINDER! Today’s the deadline for submitting a story for my forthcoming Marrying a Widower book. If you’re interested in submitting, read the submission guidelines then email me your story.

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From my inbox comes the following:

I’ve been with a widower for eight months. (He’s been widower for a year and a half.) Saturday night we went out for dinner. Everything was going great until a lull in the conversation occurred. I noticed he was looking out the widow with a distant look in his eyes. I asked him if he was thinking about his late wife. He said “Yes.” Those words stung but I would have been okay with it if he had stopped there. Instead he continued and told me the story about a time their car died on them in the middle of nowhere during a thunderstorm. (A big storm was going on outside at the time.) He could tell the story upset me and apologized for going into such detail but the night was already ruined for me. I understand he thinks of the late wife but why did he have to tell me that story? He’s apologized but now I’m worried that every time I ask him about what’s on his mind, I’m going to get a story about the late wife. Help!

Frequent readers of this column know that I’m a big advocate of learning how to communicate with a widower. If you can’t communicate with him, odds are the relationship isn’t to survive very long. But part of knowing how to talk to a widower—or anyone else for that matter—is knowing what questions to ask, when to ask them, and when to keep your mouth shut.

In the above email, did it the GOW really need to know what the widower was thinking right then and there? Everything had been fine and dandy until she noticed he was looking out the widow. She could have started talking about something else or simply asked if he was okay. However, asking specifically if he was thinking about the late wife asking intentionally opening a can of worms that didn’t need to be opened in the first place. Perhaps the widower’s answer could have been more diplomatic or maybe he could have shortened the story to one or two sentences but I have a hard time getting upset at him for giving an honest answer.

You don’t need to know everything that’s going on in the widower’s head at any given moment. If you have a trivial question that you really don’t want the answer to, don’t ask the question. Instead focus on learning how to communicate on the more important aspects of your relationship—the ones that bring you closer together and move the relationship forward—not the minor or insignificant parts. If you feel the need to ask about frivolous things, don’t get upset at the widower if you don’t like his answer. There are some questions that are better left unasked.