Widower Wednesday: Cover Suggestions

Instead of dishing out advice this Wednesday, I'm asking for your help. I'm working with a designer on the Marrying a Widower cover but seem to be hitting a brick wall. We've gone through several rounds of designs but I'm kind of stuck on how to make it better. The cover below is the latest design. Though I like the two rings, something about the angle of the woman's ring isn't quite right. But I guess I've looked at this an similar concepts so long, I can't think straight.

So check out the cover below and ask yourself the following questions:

• If the woman's ring has a better position, would that work?
• Is there another universal image that would signify marriage aside from wedding rings?
• Anything else that would make the cover more attractive?

Keep in mind that since this is a follow-up book to Dating a Widower I'd like to keep some of the same branding elements in place so readers will know the two books are connected. Also I'm still working on a subtitle. The one on this cover isn't final. Anyway, please send me your suggestions. I could use a good dose of insight and creativity now. Post your thoughts in a comments below or send me an email.

Widower Wednesday: Testing the Water

Marrying a Widower update: I’ve gone through and selected the stories I’m using for the book but haven’t sent out any notifications emails because I’m in the process of editing a few of them. So if you haven’t heard back from me, don’t worry. You should have the email about your story this weekend.

Also, I got the bloodied manuscript back from the editor on Monday. I’ll finish up rewriting the manuscript based on her suggestions tonight then send it off to a handful of beta readers (who are all married to widowers) for their input. The book is still on track for publication sometime in April.

***

The other day I got an email from a GOW whose widower just asked her to move in with him. Though she loved the man and wanted the relationship to move forward, she was hesitant to start living with him because of the way the widower made the request. He said living together would be a good test to see how compatible they really were. The fact that the widower felt the need to test out living together instead of using it as a stepping stone toward marriage made the GOW pause. She asked if his desire to test things out was a red flag she should be concerned about.

You can’t test a lifelong commitment or try out unconditional love. Either people know the relationship is going to work or they don’t. And it doesn’t take living together for months or years to figure it out if two people are compatible. I knew within a few weeks of dating Krista that I could be happy spending the rest of my life with her. With Marathon Girl I knew on the second or third date that she was the one for me. I never had the desire to “test” the relationships because I knew that I could be happy spending my life with either of them. Maybe others don’t know that fast, but a good chunk of my married friends (male and female) knew they could be happy with their eventual spouses within two or three months of dating. They may not have rushed to get married after that realization but there wasn’t any doubt in their minds that that had found someone they could be happy with for the rest of their lives. Of my friends who choose to live together before tying the knot did it more out of convenience or to spend more time together—not because they weren’t sure if things were going to work out.

Widowers who want to live together as some sort of test drive are expressing their true doubts and concerns about the long-term potential of the relationship. If you’re going to start living together there shouldn’t be any doubt in either of your minds that you can see yourself spending the rest of your lives together. Love and commitment don’t need to be tested. They’re either part of a relationship or they aren’t. So unless you have your own misgivings about the relationship, moving in with a widower as a test drive isn’t a good idea.

WW Late II

Due to a computer error, Widower Wednesday is running a little late today. It will still be posted today, it just might be rather late. Thanks for understanding.

Abel

Widower Wednesday: Leap of Faith

I’ll be sending Marring a Widower off to my editor tonight. That means I’ll be going through all the submitted stores over the next few days. Hopefully by the time I get the manuscript back next week I’ll have read through all of them and will know which ones will be included in the book.

Also, if you’ve sent me an email in the last week or so about widower-related concerns, I’ll be catching up on emails as well over the next few days. I’ve been so busy with the book I’ve been neglecting email as well. I apologize for the delay. Look for a reply in your inbox soon!

***

Yesterday Marathon Girl and I celebrated our ninth wedding anniversary. During the day I thought about our courtship and all the issues we had to work through in order to reach a point where we could tie the knot.  It took a lot of effort on both our parts to make it that far but we both wanted things enough that we were willing to put in the necessary effort to make it happen.

Even after all our work it still took a leap of faith for both of us to take the ultimate step. Marathon Girl knew she was the center of my universe because of my words and actions. For example, there were no guarantees that it would be smooth sailing. There was always a chance, however small, that I could decide that I had made the wrong choice or wasn’t ready to move on. On the other side even though I knew Marathon Girl was working through her concerns but there was no certainty that she wouldn’t just throw up her hands and say that she couldn’t take it anymore. Despite this we pressed forward and pledged our love to each other for all eternity.

I bring this up because sometimes I read through my emails or posts on the Dating a Widower Facebook group and see a lot of GOWs and widowers who are madly in love with each other but have just enough doubt about the future that they’re scared to take that next step because there’s a chance that, for whatever reason, it may not work out.

Marrying someone is a journey. And whether you’re marring a widow(er), someone who’s divorced, or someone who’s single, you can only see so far into the future. Every act of marriage is a leap of faith as there are never any guarantees what will happen one, five, or 10 years down the road. Sometimes our spouse makes choices that throw a monkey wrench into the marriage and destroy it. Other times life events (job loss, illness) come and add stress and other issues into the relationship. But trials and tribulations will come no matter what choice we make. Hard times are simply part of our life on Earth.

There are no guarantees that anything in this life will turn out the way we hope or want them to. But I’ve found that more often than not sometimes you just got to take that step into the unknown then work hard and pray that things pan out. Taking a chance after you’ve done all that you can do is better that living in a constant state of worry about what to do.

Not all of my leaps of faith have panned out but most of them have. Even those that haven’t worked have taught me enough that I’ve been able to make better decisions down the road. My marriage to Marathon Girl has far exceeded both of our expectations. I’ve never been happier with someone even when hard and challenging times have presented themselves. No matter what difficult circumstances have come, we’ve held each other’s hand and worked through them together.

So if there aren’t any major red flags in your relationship, don’t let unfounded worries hold you back from marrying the person you love. There will always be hard times in our lives, but often these hard times are easier to deal with when we have that one special person to walk by our side and help us out along the way.

Widower Wednesday: Forgive and Forget

Thanks to all those who submitted stories for Marrying a Widower. I’m currently taking some of Marathon Girl’s feedback and working feverishly to hit the March 1 deadline to send this version to my editor. I’ll be reviewing the stories and getting back to those who submitted them the first week in March.

***

From the inbox:

I just wasted the last year of my life dating a widower. From everything he said I thought we were meant to spend the rest of our lives together. We went on vacations, met each other’s families, and were even talking marriage. Yes, there were signs he was struggling but he always seemed to bounce back and assured me he was working through any issues he was having.

Last week he dropped the bomb. He told me it was over and that things couldn’t move forward. He confessed that he never really loved me and but was never able to be honest with me about how he felt because he didn’t want to be alone.

All I have done for the last week is cry. But I’m also furious at this man for deceiving me and using me for his own selfish purposes. I know I need to move on but can’t because I feel used and abused and want to strangle the man that just last week held me in his arms and said that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. What’s the best way to get over a widower who broke my heart?

First, I’m sorry the widower led you on for a year. Breakups are always hard but they’re worse when you learn the person has just been in a relationship for all the wrong reasons.

If moving on is what you want to do, you’re going to need to forgive widower for everything he did. Forgiving someone isn’t an easy thing to do especially when someone has intentionally hurt or won’t admit any wrongdoing, but that’s ultimately what has to happen in order for you to find peace in your life.

Unfortunately, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all formula for forgiving someone since everyone had different ways of coping and moving on. Forgiveness is an act of the mind and of the heart. Some high level suggestions that have helped me include:

• Get rid of anything that reminds you of the widower. There’s something cathartic about getting rid of physical objects that remind you of him or the relationship. Anything that reminds you of him and your relationship will only hold you back and stoke any anger and resentment you have. Take anything that reminds you of him and give it away or destroy it.
• Have one good venting session. Whether you need to talk to a friend, go someplace private where you can scream at the top of your lungs, or write you feeling out on paper have one good session where you can get all the pain and sadness out of your body. Make it a good one because in order for it to be effective, you can only do it once.
• Don’t get even. When someone hurts us it’s normal to want to hurt them back. In the long run that’s not going to do anything other than make the situation worse. Hold your head up high and don’t lower yourself to his level.
• Stop being a victim. You have no control over the actions or thoughts of others. What happened, happened. Stop seeing yourself as a victim. Doing this will help release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life
• Do something good for someone else. There’s always someone out there that is hurting more than us. Try to do at least one kind thing for someone else every day. Doing good and focusing your thoughts on others goes a long way toward moving on and finding that inner peace.

Even though I don’t have a clear cut way of doing this, I personally know that forgiveness is possible. There is no way I could have married Marathon Girl or started a family with her if I hadn’t forgiven Krista for killing herself. If you’re serious about wanting to move on, you’ve got to figure out a way push the anger out of your heart and mind. Until you can let go of the hard feeling you have, your life is going to be stuck in a rut.

Widower Wednesday: The Wrong Question

FINAL REMINDER! Today’s the deadline for submitting a story for my forthcoming Marrying a Widower book. If you’re interested in submitting, read the submission guidelines then email me your story.

***

From my inbox comes the following:

I’ve been with a widower for eight months. (He’s been widower for a year and a half.) Saturday night we went out for dinner. Everything was going great until a lull in the conversation occurred. I noticed he was looking out the widow with a distant look in his eyes. I asked him if he was thinking about his late wife. He said “Yes.” Those words stung but I would have been okay with it if he had stopped there. Instead he continued and told me the story about a time their car died on them in the middle of nowhere during a thunderstorm. (A big storm was going on outside at the time.) He could tell the story upset me and apologized for going into such detail but the night was already ruined for me. I understand he thinks of the late wife but why did he have to tell me that story? He’s apologized but now I’m worried that every time I ask him about what’s on his mind, I’m going to get a story about the late wife. Help!

Frequent readers of this column know that I’m a big advocate of learning how to communicate with a widower. If you can’t communicate with him, odds are the relationship isn’t to survive very long. But part of knowing how to talk to a widower—or anyone else for that matter—is knowing what questions to ask, when to ask them, and when to keep your mouth shut.

In the above email, did it the GOW really need to know what the widower was thinking right then and there? Everything had been fine and dandy until she noticed he was looking out the widow. She could have started talking about something else or simply asked if he was okay. However, asking specifically if he was thinking about the late wife asking intentionally opening a can of worms that didn’t need to be opened in the first place. Perhaps the widower’s answer could have been more diplomatic or maybe he could have shortened the story to one or two sentences but I have a hard time getting upset at him for giving an honest answer.

You don’t need to know everything that’s going on in the widower’s head at any given moment. If you have a trivial question that you really don’t want the answer to, don’t ask the question. Instead focus on learning how to communicate on the more important aspects of your relationship—the ones that bring you closer together and move the relationship forward—not the minor or insignificant parts. If you feel the need to ask about frivolous things, don’t get upset at the widower if you don’t like his answer. There are some questions that are better left unasked.

Widower Wednesday: Dating a Widow

REMINDER! If you’re engaged or married to a widower or even divorced from a widower, I’m looking for real life stories to share in my next book Marrying a Widower. If you’re interested in submitting, read the submission guidelines then email me your story. Submissions are due February 15—that’s one week from today!

***

Occasionally I’ll get emails from men who are dating young widows. They stumble across this blog, read it, and want to know if I’d give the same advice to someone who was dating a widow as someone who was dating a widower. Since I’ve seen to gotten more than normal of these questions of late, here are my thoughts on the subject:

For the most part, my advice would be the same: The widow should make you feel like the center of her universe and you should expect the same kind of behavior from her that you would from a single or divorced woman. Like widowers, widows are ready to stop grieving and move on will figure out how to put their feelings for the late husband in a special place in her heart and give the rest of it to you.

Where I have a hard time offering advice is how widows move on from the late husband to the next husband. Widowers are a lot easier. Once they find someone they really love they put their feelings for the late wife to the side fairly quickly and move on. Widows are, well, more complicated. Yes most of them eventually move on but the process seems to take a lot longer. Why? I have no idea.

The best explanation I’ve read comes from Annie who wrote earlier this year:

Biggest difference between dating a widow versus a widower, off the top of my head, is that women tend to comb through the still smoldering ashes of any relationship once it is over – regardless of why it ended – and they will do this until the ashes cool, go stone cold and even begin to scatter to the wind as often as they feel the need to (or have an audience for it) until they “get over it”.  And by “get over it”, I mean put the experience into a context that they can live with to an extent that allows them to move on.  Men don’t seem to do that as much or as obsessively.

***

Men are good at this acceptance thing, which is not to say that you won’t find men who brood or are endlessly bitter about past failures or lost love, but you find far fewer of them than you do of women. I have yet to meet a woman who can’t recall for you, in minute detail, how her first love evolved, blossomed and eventually went up in flames. Minute detail.

You read about first loves reuniting a lot these days thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, but I am willing to bet that the women will spin tales about how they never got over the guy and how their subsequent loves and even about marriages that never held a candle to the first love. Ask a man about his first failed romance. Go ahead. Ask. He might remember the sex, or the lack thereof, but he won’t be holding a lit flame. Nor will he necessarily be compelled to reignite it if he is okay with where he currently lives his life. Men ground themselves in now, which is why a woman’s obsession with past, or future, perplexes and/or irritates them. Most men went on to have love, children and good lives with nary a backward glance at that first love. Sure, they may be pleased to have a second shot later in life with a girl whom they can only recall as a girl, but if they’d never heard from her again – they’d have found someone else to be happy with. Because that’s men. Practical in a cold-blooded way that (most) women aren’t.

What she writes sounds true to me but I’m not a woman or a widow. In countless ways women are still an enigma to me. I know on the occasions I’ve talked face-to-face with (young) widows, I can tell they approach grief and moving on very differently than (young) widowers. It’s not a bad thing just an innate difference between the sexes. You know, the Mars/Venus thing.

That being said my main advice to men dating widows remains the same: You should feel like number one when you’re with her and shouldn’t have any doubts or concerns whether or not she’s ready to start a new life with you. If you don't feel like she's making you the priority, re-evaluate the relationship and don't be afraid to move on. As for how widows sort through a relationship and move on, I have no idea.

Any widows, women, or those dating widows who have insight about dating a widow this please leave a comment. I and men dating widows would appreciate the insight.

Widower Wednesday: Cutting Your Losses

Just a reminder that if you’re engaged or married to a widower or even divorced from a widower, I’m looking for real life stories to share in my next book Marrying a Widower. If you’re interested in submitting, read the submission guidelines then email me your story. Submissions are due February 15.

***

Lately it seems like I’ve received a lot of emails from women who are unhappily married to widowers. No, these aren’t submissions from my next book but women who are trying to figure out if they should be looking for a divorce instead of try to save the marriage.  Most of these women constantly feel like number two because months or years after tying the knot the house still overflows with her pictures or belongings, the widower still grieving, or he’s always talking and comparing the new woman to the late wife. As a result, these women have reached a breaking point and want to know what direction they should take.

So if you find yourself in a seemingly dead-end relationship with a widower, here are some general guidelines to follow:

• Decide if the relationship is worth saving. You need to evaluate your feelings for the widower, and whether or not you want to expend the mental, emotional, and physical effort to it’s worth one last shot.  Don’t fall into the trap of thinking things will get better if you do something differently or if you just hang in there long enough the widower will come to his senses. If the widower’s going to let the late wife go and move forward with you, it’s something he has to do on his own--something he wants to do. Also, if the relationship is abusive in any way, don’t hang around and try to fix things—move out immediately.
• Talk to the widower. If you decide you want to try to make things work you need to talk to the widower and come up with a course of action to improve hte relationship. One of the common themes that run throughout these emails I receive is that a lot of women are unsure how to even bring up her wedding dress in the closet or his constant visits to the cemetery. If the relationship has any change of working, you’ve got to be able to talk to him about how you’re feeling and why he’s acting the way he is. There is no hope of anything changing until both of you can articulate your feelings to each other in a clear, concise manner.
• Come up with a plan of action. If the widower agrees to make changes, both of you need to come up with plan of how to improve things. Maybe it involves inviting his kids over to take anything of the late wife’s before it’s sent to goodwill or thrown away. Maybe it involves martial or grief counseling. Whatever it takes to make it work, lip service doesn’t cut it. Either the widower backs up his words with actions or it’s time to end things.
• Know when to cut your losses. If the widower doesn’t fulfill his promises or shows no signs of changing you need to end the relationship and move on. Divorce or breaking up is never pleasant but it’s a better alternative than living like number two for the rest of your life. Have the courage to cut your losses and start anew. That initial step can be painful but you’ll be a lot better off in the long run from getting away from someone who’s stuck in the past and can’t make you the center of his universe.

Remember, a marriage or any other relationship can only work if both parties are willing to work on it. If you fell like you're doing all the heavy lifting, it's time to evaluate where things stand and whether it's a good idea to get out before things get worse.

Widower Wednesday: Remembering the Past, Embracing the Future

My column last week started a discussion on whether or not the experience of having a photo of my late daughter, Hope, finally up in my home had changed my mind or made me more sympathetic to about displaying photos of the late spouse. After reading through the back and forth in the comment section there seems to be some confusion on my views over how I’ve chosen to remember the past and start a new life. So I thought I’d take today’s Widower Wednesday column as a chance to clear things up.

I’ve never been a proponent of having the late spouse’s photo up in a home if that person has remarried. If you’re willing to fall in love again the widow(er) should do everything they can to make the new spouse feel the center of their universe. I don’t display photos of my late wife in my home and never will. When I chose to marry Marathon Girl, I made the decision to start a new life. That means I put the past life in a place where it wasn’t going to get in the way of the life I was starting with Marathon Girl.

The only time I’ve thought it appropriate to have some photos in the home of the late spouse is when the widow(er) still has minor children living at home. In that case I’ve always best place for them is in the children’s room. Other family and common areas of the home should have photos of the new life—not the old. Those places should be one where the new spouse can feel comfortable spending time and creating new, wonderful memories.

I’ve also never had a problem with anyone displaying photos of deceased children or other dead relatives in a home. Just because I chose not to display a photo of Hope doesn’t mean I didn’t think of her from time to time. I think about her more than I’ll ever admit and she will always have a special place in my heart. However, when I married Marathon Girl I didn’t see a point of having a photo up that would bring me to tears. That would have been detrimental to my marriage and relationship with Marathon Girl. Looking back, I have no regrets about that decision. If Marathon Girl would have chosen to omit Hope’s photo from the Christmas gift, I would have been okay with that too. How I feel about Hope has no bearing on whether or not there’s a photo of her in my home.

All of the photos and other things from my past life I choose to keep are stored in two cardboard boxes in a closet in my basement. It’s been three or four years since the last time opened them and the last time I did was to pull some records that were stored there. I doubt Marathon Girl would have a problem with me looking at the contents occasionally if I so choose but that’s never really been an issue because unless I really need something from the boxes I have no intention of ever opening them again. I don’t need to look at photos and other trinkets to remember Krista or our life together. The feelings and memoires of my past life are stored in a special place in my heart where they will always remain. However, 99 percent my heart belongs to Marathon Girl and the family we started together.

I’ve never had a problem with a widow(er) having a memory box and looking at the contents occasionally or even visiting the cemetery—something I haven’t done in nine years. However, looking at photographs or doing something else to remember the late spouse shouldn’t make you sad or interfere with your feelings for your current spouse. If they do, you should either stop doing things that remind yourself of your past life or evaluate if you should really be married in the first place.

Others have told me that they know of widow(er)s who have photos of the late husband or wife up and the current spouse doesn’t mind a bit. Personally, I’m not into threesomes.  Marriage is making two hearts one. If you introduce any more hearts than that, you’re asking for trouble. If the new spouse doesn’t mind photos of the late spouse up, that’s their business. However, I still have to hear any compelling arguments or facts that show how having a photo of the late spouse up makes a marriage and the relationship between a widow(er) and the new spouse stronger.

A person who married a widow(er) deserves to feel like and be treated like that person’s only love. No exceptions. My inbox is full of stories from women who have broken hearts because the widower they love can’t let go of the past enough to move their lives forward. Just yesterday I got an email from a woman who has been married to a widower for two years and is now going through a divorce because she spent every day of her marriage feeling like second pace. Personally, I can’t think of a worse way to live than constantly feeling like you’re competing with a dead person.

Krista and Hope are part of my life and always will be. They made me, in part, the person I am today. But Marathon Girl and I have no problem discussing them or my past marriage at appropriate times.  But our focus isn’t on what I lost ten years ago but about the wonderful and beautiful life we’ve built together, our children, and the future we hope to share both for the rest of this life and in the next one.

Ten years ago I was at the lowest spot at my life emotionally and mentally. Through a lot of hard, hard work I have rebuilt my shattered life into something that, back then, seemed like an unobtainable dream. I have been blessed beyond measure in every aspect of my life because I made the decision to put the past behind me and focus on the future and building a new life with a woman that I love more than anyone else. My life wouldn’t be anywhere close to what it is today if I had let a photo of Krista or other parts of my past come between us.

We only get one shot at this life. Just one. I have chosen to put the past where it belongs and move forward in life with Marathon Girl. I have no regrets or second thoughts about that decision. We’ll be married nine years next month. They have, by far, been the happiest and best years of my life. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. And I’d be a fool to let something from the past destroy what I’ve worked so hard to build.

Widower Wednesday: Photos of Hope

Just a reminder that if you’re engaged or married to a widower or even divorced from a widower, I’m looking for real life stories to share in my next book Marrying a Widower. If you’re interested in submitting, read the submission guidelines then send me an email with your story.

***

The hardest part of my previous life to pack up and put in storage was photos of my late daughter, Hope. There was a part of me that wanted to keep at least one of up somewhere in the first apartment Marathon Girl and I shared but, back then, I couldn’t look at the photos of her hooked up IVs, tubes, and monitors for more than a minute without my eyes filling with tears. Though Marathon Girl had no objection about hanging a photo or two of Hope in our new home, I just couldn’t do it. I was moving on. I didn’t want any reminders of events or people that might hold me back from starting a new life. The photos stayed in the box.

Even though it was a hard choice to make, I never thought twice about that decision or once regretted it. I charged ahead and fully embraced my new life. Aside from a picture of Hope at my parent’s home, there were no other visual reminders of her. And I was just fine with that.

Then back November, the family was driving home from a college football game and, much to my surprise, Marathon Girl brought up the subject.

MG: Remind me again why you don’t have any pictures of Hope up.

Me: ~Gives her a quizzical look~ That’s my past life. I’ve got five wonderful kids and their photos up instead.

MG:  Have you ever thought about putting one up?

Me: Nope.

MG: Why?

Me: ~Glances in her direction wondering why she’s asking these questions ~ I can’t stand to look at them. It makes me sad to see tiny body hooked up to life support. That’s not exactly a time in my life I like to revisit.

MG: ~ silent for a beat ~ Well what if you decided to put one up?

Me:  I wouldn’t do that. Besides, it wouldn’t be fair to you.

MG: What do you mean?

Me: We haven’t had one up our entire marriage. I don’t think its right for me just to wake up one day and decide that I need to put one up eight years after the fact. I don’t want to be like those widowers people email me about who take down photos or something one day and the next day have everything back up.

MG: That’s not the same thing.

Me: It feels like it.

MG: What if I was okay with it.

Me: Still doesn’t seem fair to me.

~silence~

Me: What’s up with all these questions?

MG: Nothing. It was just something I was thinking about.

Me:  Care to elaborate?

MG: ~looking away~ Not right now.

Fast forward to Christmas morning. Most of the presents are unwrapped. The kids are busy playing with their new toys. There are two presents left for me to open. Marathon Girl gives me the first one. From the look on her face I think she’s going to burst into tears.

I open the present. There’s a large frame with three photos of our oldest three children’s hands. One is holding a basketball, one a football, and the other a flower.

She hands me the second present. I open it. There’s a large frame with three more photos in it. Two are of our youngest two; one is holding his favorite toy, the other (a baby) has her hands together.

The third photo is of Hope. Not the photos of her hooked up to machines that I remember. Instead it’s one that my mom took of her small fingers wrapped around my finger—one I had forgotten all about.

Tears fall.

Marathon Girl wraps her arms around me and leans her head against mine.

Me: They’re beautiful. Thank you so much.

MG: I wasn’t sure how it would go over. I worried you might not like it after I brought up the subject last month.

Me: It’s one of the best gifts I’ve ever received.

MG: It seemed wrong to do this without including the hands of all your children.

Me: You’re right. All six of them make it complete.

That night we hung the photos in our living room above the piano.

I can look at all of them without crying.