Widower Wednesday: Moody Holiday Widowers

Thanks to everyone who sent in their holiday widower questions. I’m working on answering them all of them personally while addressing the most common topics on the blog.

By far the most frequent holiday that found its way to my inbox was about widowers who get sad, depressed, or moody during the holiday season. One woman wrote that she was dating a man who had been widowed for two years and felt like the entire holiday season was going to be spoiled because he’s become more distant and doesn’t want to participate in planned holiday activities.

I want to have empathy for these widowers. I really do. I know that holidays can feel empty without their wife by their side. I couldn’t wait for my first Christmas without her to be over because all I could think about was that she wasn’t around.

The problem is that these widowers have willingly become involved in a committed relationship. If they’re willing to commit to someone, they need to man up and make the holiday season enjoyable for the new woman in their life. That might mean trying out a new tradition, spending a day with her friends and family, or just enjoying some alone time with the new woman. It doesn’t mean sitting at home sulking or becoming withdrawn and uncommunicative.

My gut says that widowers in a committed relationship who become overly withdrawn during the holidays or other special occasions aren’t ready to move on. Talk to the widower about what’s bugging him, but unless he can find the strength to man up and make you number one, plan on having more holidays and special occasions ruined.

Widower Wednesday: Dating Widowers with Children

 

Because I didn’t have any living children when I dated Marathon Girl, I’m always a bit hesitant to give advice to women who are dating widowers with minor children still living at home. (I define a minor child as anyone 17 and under. For suggestions on dealing with adult children, read this Widower Wednesday column.) Still I receive lots of email on the subject I’m going to give out some general guidelines that might help.

• Beware of widowers who are just looking for someone to help out with the kids. I’m amazed at the number of emails from women who have turned into fulltime, unpaid nannies whose main job is to take care of the kids and have sex with the widower at night. Unless you marry the guy, never forget that his kids are his responsibility—not yours. That doesn’t mean you can’t help out on occasion but it shouldn’t dedicate your life to raising them unless you become their stepmother. Never become an unpaid nanny with benefits. If you do, odd are the relationship won’t work out.
• Don’t expect the widower to take down all the photos off the late wife. Generally I prefer widowers to remove photos/shrines/memorials to the late wife and replace them with photos of the new love. However, I generally make exceptions to this rule when minor children are home. The kids are probably having a hard enough time seeing dad with someone else. They last thing they need is all the photos of their mom removed from the living room.
• Realize that widowers with minor children living at home might not be able to spend as much “alone time” with as you both may want. Widowers who work to support their kids often find themselves with limited time to be a dad. This means wants to spend time with you, your dates may involve going to his children’s soccer games or other activities. One-on-one time is important in any relationship but it’s harder to come by when kids are at home. Besides if you marry the guy, odds are you’re going to spending most of your time with him and his kids. Better get used to it.
• Don’t be jealous of the time and attention the widower pays to the kids. As far as I’m concerned, his kids (minor children living at home) should be his number one priority. If he’s managed to find time for a relationship, that’s great but the wants and needs of his kids should come first. If the relationship is meant to be, you and the widower will find a way to make it work.
• If the kids hate or resent you, treat them kindly. You can’t control what others think of you. And seeing their dad with someone other than mom is probably hard on most kids. If they say unkind things toward you or try to push your buttons, respond with love and kindness. This is the same advice I give when dealing with others who may not approve of the relationship. It may not be easy to turn the other cheek, but, in the end, you’ll win more people over this way.
•  If you don’t like the way the widower disciplines (or refuses to discipline) his kids, don’t expect anything to change once you’re in a committed relationship, engaged, or married. Odds are the discipline (or lack thereof) will continue even after you’re the stepmom. If you can’t live with it, bail out before it’s too late.

And remember, Everything will go a lot easier if you’re able to talk to the widower about his kids and your relationship. Do your best to have open lines of communication. It will go a long way to solving problems that arise.

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 Dating a widower? Having issues? Send me an email and it might be addressed in a future Widower Wednesday column. At the very least, you’ll get a personal reply. :-)

Widower Wednesday: Dealing with the Widower’s ADULT Children

Dating a widower is not only hard on the late wife’s family, but it can be very hard on the widower’s children. When I receive emails asking me how to deal with children, my advice differs depending on whether the kids are minors still living at home or legal adults. In this Widower Wednesday segment I’m going to focus specifically on adult children—those who are 18 or older. (I’ll focus on young children and teenagers next week.)

Seeing their father with another woman can be hard on his kids no matter how old they are. Many of them are still grieving their mother and can’t understand how dad can move on and “replace” Mom. It’s a natural reaction and I don’t blame anyone for wondering why their father wants to date again. If it weren’t for my own experience, I’d probably have a difficult time seeing my dad with someone else if my mom were to pass on.

Since there’s nothing you can do about the thoughts or actions of another person, don’t concern yourself with whether or not his adult children like you or approve of their father dating again. You can always try to win his adult children by showing them love and respect no matter what they say or how they treat you. What you should keep a sharp eye on, however, is how the widower responds to his adult children’s childish and controlling demands.

For example, a woman recently emailed me about a widower she was in a committed relationship with. The widower’s adult children invited him over for the Thanksgiving but made it clear that she was not invited because it was too painful to see their dad being affectionate with someone other than their mom. Instead of telling his kids that the new woman was part of his life, the widower decided to abide by his children’s wishes and spend Thanksgiving with them.

In short, this widower chose his kids—who are grown and have families of their own—over the new woman in his life. It’s not a good sign if you’re looking for a successful, long-term relationship. Instead of giving in to his kids, the widower should have explained that he was in a committed relationship with someone else and would be happy to call them over the holidays since he can’t attend without this special woman.

You want a widower with a backbone—one who can say NO to unreasonable demands from his adult kids. Because if he can’t stand up to them now, odds are he’s not going to stand up to them when Christmas, birthdays or other occasions roll around. Instead of being at his side, you’re going to find yourself in the number two position time and time again.

Talk about it with him all you want but odds are at this stage in the game if the children are controlling of their father, it’s not going to change unless the widower put you first.

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Finally, thanks to all those who submitted holiday widower issues. If you still have holiday some, please send them in. I’ll start answering holiday questions on November 24 and for several weeks following. If you have any other dating a widower issue you’d like to me address, send me an email.

Widower Wednesday: Dealing with the Late Wife’s Family

A common issue that comes in my inbox is how women dating widowers should deal with the late wife’s family. Generally the widower is in regular contact with his late wife’s family and somewhat regularly attends her family events. This usually brings up two problems. The first is how to handle those related to the late wife are standoffish, rude, or vocally upset that the widower is dating again. The second concern is that many women feel like the widower spends too much time with the late wife’s family instead of trying to build a new relationship with her.

As to the first issue, there’s nothing you can do about the thoughts or actions of others. All you can do is choose how you respond to remarks or the cold shoulders others may give you. Kind words and loving actions are usually the best way to handle these situations. Love and kindness may not be the easiest response but they’re the ones that win people over in the long run.

Don’t take their comments or actions too personally. Those who have a hard time seeing the widower with someone other than the late wife are usually those who are still grieving the loss of their daughter, sister, or friend. They’re have a hard time accepting the fact that the widower’s is moving on.

The other thing you want to look for in these situations is if the widower stands up for you. If he knows how their treating you and does nothing to stop them, you need to decide if you can have a relationship “weenie widower” as my friend C calls them. If he can’t defend you with the late wife’s in-laws, there will be other situations where he won’t defend you either. Having a widower with a spine goes a long way to make these situations easier.

As to him spending time with the late wife’s family, you shouldn’t expect him to cut off contact completely with the late wife’s family. Unless he had a bad relationship with them when the late wife was alive, odds are they’re going to be part of your relationship with him—especially if he and the late wife had kids. Having the late wife’s family as part of your relationship with this is something you need to decide if you can live with.

Where I’d be concerned is if he spends so much time with the late wife’s family that you feel he’s neglecting your relationship. Often the late wife’s family will help him get through the tough times by watching kids or just being there for him. This can create a bond that is difficult to sever.

However, part of starting a new life means putting the old one behind you. A widower who is serious about moving on and starting a new relationship should spending less time with the late wife’s family and more time with you. If he had a hard time doing this, I’d worry whether or not he’s willing to fully commit to you.

As always, if you’re having difficulties with the late wife’s family or are concerned with how much time he’s spending with them, talk to him about your concerns. Couples with strong relationships all have the ability to talk openly and honestly one with another. Strong communication skills are vital if your relationship is going to have any chance to work out.

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The holidays are coming up. If you have any particular widower-related holiday issues you’d like discussed on Widower Wednesday, send me an email. I’ll be posting holiday related topics staring on November 24.

Widower Wednesday: Sleeping with a Widower

After reading my Sex and Intimacy with Widowers article, a reader asks if abstinence guarantees that a widower won’t leave the woman he’s dating.

The answer is no. Abstinence doesn’t guarantee that a widower won’t up and leave you anymore than sleeping with a widower guarantees he’ll be there for you tomorrow.

When it comes to getting involved with a widower phyically or emotionally, my advice has always been to take things slow.  Most widowers—especially recent widowers—are quick to commit to relationships before they’re emotionally ready. As a result it’s not uncommon for them to end relationships as soon as things heat up. Taking your time in the early stages of the relationship with a widower can save you some heartache if the relationship comes to an unexpected. Taking things slow give you a good chance to learn if the widower’s ready to move on and start a new life with you or simply looking for someone to keep him warm at night. Widowers who are looking for an easy score or not ready for a serious relationship will have a hard time holding back if you put off his advances until you’re sure of his intentions.

When you decide to become physical with a widower is ultimately up to the two of you. Just keep in mind that the second most common issue in my inbox is from women who feel used and taken advantage of after sleeping with widowers only to be unceremoniously dumped soon after. If that’s something you want to avoid, take your time before sleeping with a widower.

Widower Wednesday: He Keeps Talking about the Late Wife

Note: This is the first installment of Widower Wednesday.  Each Wednesday I’ll be addressing common widower issues that come into my inbox. If you’d like to suggest a topic or ask a question, send me an email.

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It seems the topic in my inbox this week has centered on widowers who talk about their late wife their past relationships. Women want to know whether this is normal behavior and when the widower will start talking about the present and future instead of the past.

Yes, it’s normal for widowers to talk about the late wife and their life together. This need to talk about the late wife and their past life together often helps make the transition from the old to new life. As widowers make room in their heart for a new woman, the topics of conversation should evolve from the past to you and your future together.

Since everyone grieves differently, when he starts to make this transition depends on the person. Some widowers can do it in a matter of weeks; with others it takes a bit longer. As a rule of thumb, if you’ve been with someone for six months and they’re still talking about the past and showing no interest in talking about you or your future together, I’d be very concerned whether or not the widower is ready to move on.

Another red flag to watch for is widowers who constantly talk about the late wife. One of the recent emails I received said just about any topic of conversation was tied in to what the late wife liked or thought about a certain subject. This seems to go beyond a healthy talking about the past. Deciding what to have for dinner, for example, shouldn’t turn conversation about what the late wife liked or didn’t like to eat. If the widower is making her a part of every conversation you have, it’s a sign he’s still grieving and not ready to start a new life with you.