Relationship Coach Abel Keogh answers the following question from a viewer: "What about my relationship with my grandson who is turning 13 this week? The problem is that he needs me to be at his party but his mom refuses to let me bring my future wife . Her excuse is she just doesn’t know this lady enough to allow her around her family .I’m put between either going without her and hurting my fiancé or not going and hurting my grandson. How do I handle this situation without dying inside my own heart?"
Abel’s Answer: This is an awful situation that you find yourself in, and unfortunately, it’s one that many widows and widowers experience when their adult children aren’t happy that mom or dad is dating again. You love your grandson, and you want to be there for him. But here’s the hard truth: What his mom is doing is engaging in manipulative behavior, and going to that party without your fiancée will only reward and reinforce her behavior.
The excuse that she “just doesn’t know” your future wife sounds reasonable on the surface—but let’s be honest: if she wanted to know her, my guess is that she’s had plenty of chances. In fact, she could use this party as a chance to get to know her better. What his mom is really saying is, “I don’t like your relationship, so I’m going to control how and when it’s allowed to exist around my family.”
That’s not a healthy dynamic, and if you give in, you send a clear message: she can control your future marriage by holding your grandson over your head. That’s not fair to you, your fiancée, or even your grandson—who is being used as leverage.
So what do you do? You stand up for your relationship by kindly but firmly telling your grandson’s mom that you won’t attend events where your future wife isn’t welcome. If she wants a real relationship with you, it needs to be built on love and mutual respect, not ultimatums and manipulative behavior.
I don’t know if your 13-year-old grandson has a phone, but I would call or text him and let him know that you can’t make the party, but wish him a happy birthday and see if there’s another time you can visit. I feel bad that he’s caught in the middle of this, but the only way the situation will improve is by taking a stand and letting his mom know that her manipulative and unreasonable behavior won’t be tolerated.