Are the widower’s adult or minor children not accepting you? If so, this video is for you.
This is for all the women who have tried to connect with the widowers' kids, friends, and family, and they won’t accept you. You've been kind and patient. You've bought the birthday gifts, shown up with a smile, tried to connect, and you're getting nothing back. They ignore you, they're curt with you, or they look right through you like you don't exist. And you're starting to wonder if any of this is even worth it.
Yes, it is, and my suggestion is to keep being kind.
Here's why.
When kindness isn't returned, the natural reaction is to pull back. You want to match their energy and have them feel the rejection and hurt you’re feeling. That instinct makes complete sense, but the moment you respond to their coldness with coldness, you've handed them a reason to justify how they're treating you. You've given them ammunition to continue their behavior. Don't do it because it will only make a bad situation last longer.
That said — I'm not telling you to be a doormat. If his kids are being genuinely disrespectful or abusive, that's a direct conversation you need to have with your widower. You don't absorb that in silence. And you don't have to keep putting yourself in situations where you're clearly not wanted. If you're being excluded or made to feel unwelcome, stop volunteering for it. What you can control is how you show up when you are present — the warmth you bring, the consistency of your character. That's where your kindness lives.
Now, the cold, standoffish behavior of his children isn't acceptable, and I'm not going to condone it What I’d like to do is give you some insight as to why they’re most likely behaving that way. What you're often up against is someone who’s lost their mother and is trying to figure out where you fit in their world — or whether you're even allowed to. That doesn't excuse how they're treating you, but it should change how you respond. You don't fight against grief and change. You outlast it.
And you don't outlast it alone — because here's where I'm going to speak directly to the widower's role, and it's non-negotiable. He needs to have your back. That doesn’t mean he referee every interaction. but when his kids are treating you poorly, he needs to address it. When you show up and make an effort, he needs to see it and acknowledge it. You should never be out there carrying this by yourself while he stays neutral, trying to keep the peace, because what he’s really doing is leaving you exposed. Being your boyfriend, husband, or partner means being in this with you — and if he's not doing that, there’s a different conversation that needs to happen with him.
Now, in all my years of coaching, the reason I suggest you return their coldness with kindness is that it works. The women who navigate this successfully keep showing up. They stay kind. They make sure their partner has the full picture and then they put in the effort regardless of how slow the progress feels. The truth is, people can only resist genuine kindness for so long. It doesn't happen fast or overnight, but it does happen slowly and gradually. When it’s applied consistently, it softens hearts every single time.
And even when it doesn't shift as fast as you want, choosing kindness frees you from lying awake replaying the cold look they gave you at dinner. You've made your decision. You know who you are in this situation. That clarity is worth more than people realize.
Keep showing up, keep going, and kill them with kindness. You don’t do this because they deserve it, but because you're planting seeds — and some of those seeds are going to grow into something you never thought was possible at the start.
I'm Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widower: Starting a Relationship with a Man Who’s Starting Over, and I'll see you next week.