Steel yourself as relationship coach and widower expert Abel Keogh discusses the 10 uncomfortable truths that come with dating a widower.
Transcript of video follows:
Hi, it's Wednesday. That means it's time for another video edition of Widower Wednesday. I'm Abel Keogh, author of the book Dating a Widower. And today, we are going to discuss ten uncomfortable truths that come with dating a widower.
Yes, dating a widower is not like any other relationship, and there are some uncomfortable truths that you will have to face if you are dating a widower. In a relationship with a widower, or even thinking about dating a widower, just you have to steal yourself. Guys, these are uncomfortable truths. But knowing these truths, this will help you decide, first of all, if dating a widower is right for you, and also if the widower is ready to open his heart. So good information here. Let's get going.
Uncomfortable Truth #1: Most widowers aren't ready to open their hearts when they start dating again.
Now, this doesn't mean they can't open it at some point, but odds are, especially if they're under a year out from losing their spouse, they're dating again because they're using dating as a way to fix their life. That's right. Men use dating as a way to fix the hole in their heart. Most of the time when they start dating, they're not dating because they're thinking, "Oh, I'm going to get married again." They're like, "My life is empty, and I need someone in my life to fill it." So they'll start dating again.
Now, there's a whole chapter in dating widower about this, if you want to know more. But just keep in mind and this is just a word of caution they're not really ready to open their hearts when they first start dating again. They're just trying to fix their life. And that's why you get a lot of the issues you see when you're dating a widower.
Uncomfortable Truth #2: Widowers will always love the late wife.
Now, I know that there's a lot of widowers out there that they use this as kind of a thing like, "I'm always going to love my late wife," and great. That's great. There's nothing wrong with that. I still love Krista all age years since she's been dead. Now, the issue here is that widowers want to actively love more than one woman at the same time, and that is not possible. Widowers who love the late wife, that's great.
But there needs to be a small, special place in their heart where they can put that love. They can go there from time to time and do whatever it is that they need to do. But the issue is that widowers want to actively love the late wife and actively love the woman that they're dating. So don't date a widower, first of all, if you have a problem with the fact that a small part of his heart will always be for the late wife, and that's fine. Dating a widower isn't for everybody. But you also don't want to date a widower who is trying to actively love the late wife and you at the same time. Widowers who are ready to move on will open their hearts. So 99.7% of it is for you, and a small portion of it is for the late wife. And by the way, if you question whether or not he's ready to open his heart, he's probably not ready.
Uncomfortable Truth #3: You can't heal him.
I know that there's this fantasy out there, and really a lot of it is drawn with the fact that books and movies and other media where widowers are romanticized, and this woman comes into his life, and, yeah, there's a couple of problems, but she's there, and he's healed. And he's healed because she's so awesome and so perfect, and tadah. She comes in there and whatever. She says the right thing and she does the right thing and he's healed. No, it doesn't work that way. You cannot heal him. Widowers can only heal themselves. There's nothing you can say or do that can fix him or bend his heart or cause him to get over his grief.
In order to heal, and this is the key, widowers need a mission and a purpose in their life. Now, you can be that mission and their purpose, but you can't force it on him. It's something that the widower has to want to do. For example, in my case, when Juliana came into my life, I loved her and realized that if I was going to have a life with her, I would have to put my feelings to the late wife to the side. There was nothing Juliana said or did that made me fall in love with her or healed me. It was something I had to want to do in order to be with her. So keep that in mind. Nothing you can do or say is going to heal the widower.
Uncomfortable Truth #4: When the widower says he's doing it for the kids, that's really another way of saying you're never going to be number one in his heart.
Doing it for the kids is a cop out. I'm sorry, but it just is. Think about it. Put doing it for the kids in any other situation or a relationship. It doesn't work. "I'm keeping the photos up because I'm doing it for the kids. No, no, no, no, no. And again, I've done this for years. We have coaching sessions, emails, everything on this. Odds are when they say he's doing it for the kids, he's probably never even talked to his kids about the shrine or anything else that he's doing for the kids. In fact, most communication between a widower and his children is pretty much awful when it comes to his romantic life. Oftentimes adult kids don't even want-- they're upset at the fact that he's doing it. Maybe even he doesn't have any good relationship with his teenage kids, or they don't really have a good talking sessions. They don't know how to communicate.
It's very rare that he's actually talked to the kids about the shrine, "Hey. I'm leaving this up for you," and stuff like that. And the kids are like, "Oh, Dad. That's so awesome." No, no, no, no, no, no. It doesn't work that way. Doing it for the kids is a cop out. If he says he's doing things for the kids that's making it feel like number one, it's basically his way of saying that you're never going to be number one. That he's going to put the kids needs before yours. And I know we can get into really technical things about, "Well, kids do come first if they're living at home." And to some degree they do, but we're talking about things of the heart here. And if he can't make you number one now, you're not going to be number one later. So just keep in mind doing it for the kids is a cop out and his way of saying you'll never be number one.
Uncomfortable Truth #5: Widowers take your silence as acceptance.
So oftentimes there's, again, lots of issues that you deal with when dating a widower that you don't deal in other relationships. For example, they can be wearing wedding rings. There's a shrine or photos to the late wife. Maybe he constantly talks about the late wife, and because this is a new situation, you don't know how to deal with it. Should you say something? Things like that.
And it's okay to have those questions and concerns. But the one thing you need to know is that if you don't say anything about the rings or the photos or he's constantly talking of the late wife or anything else that's in there, widowers are going to think that you're just cool with it. They're just going to think that your silence is acceptance. So if you have concerns, there's ways to talk to widowers about this. Again, I've got some videos on this. You can look at my book, Dating a Widower. But don't think that they're smart enough just to suddenly get that you have a problem with it. You got to speak up. You've got to set healthy boundaries, and that's a great way and it's great. You do it for your mental health, but you also do it so that you can see if the widower is ready to move on. So don't be quiet and wonder why he's not changing things. If you remain quiet about issues that are bothering you, he thinks things are cool. Flat out guarantee. All right.
Uncomfortable Truth #6: If the widower is not showing you that he's ready to move on, he's not ready to move on.
Actions always speak louder than words. Always. There are no exceptions to this. I can't tell you how many people I talk to where they say, "Well, the widower says, 'I love you.' He talks to me, and whatever. We go out to nice places, but he's still wearing his wedding ring. The shrine is still there. He's always talking about the late wife. You can fill in the blank with any issues that you're having. Whatever. He hasn't redecorated the house. He won't do this or that. Things that he says he's going to do. In fact he'll come and say, "Yeah." Widowers will say, "Okay. I'll take care of that," or whatever. It's done and they don't do anything. Well, guess what? Again, if he's not showing you that you're number one in his heart and he's not ready to open it up and move on, he's not ready.
Don't focus on what a widower says. Focus on his actions and how he's treating you and what he's saying. Things like that. That's what you need to focus on. And if he's not ready, he's not ready. That's fine. But again, you're going to know if he's ready and whether or not you're number one by his actions and not his words. All right.
Uncomfortable Truth #7: Dating a widower is nothing like a Nicholas Sparks novel.
Yeah, I know a lot of you are laughing about this, you're thinking of some maybe movies or books that you've read. But if you think about a Nicholas Sparks novel, it seems like it's usually a widower, and I don't know, there's some woman comes into his life, and I don't know, there's drama. And adventure. But things always work out. And I don't know, there's usually a scene where he realizes how screwed up he is or something, and they all live happily ever after. No, it's not like a Nicholas Sparks novel. So if you're using those as a judgment on how widower relationships go, there's better books out there. There's better movies out there. Like watch the movie Up, or watch the movie Dan In Real Life, for example. To get a better idea of how widowers react and do things like that. So if you think-- so if you're dating a widower thinking it's going to be like a Nicholas Sparks novel, you're in for disappointment. But I'm sure the books are entertaining and stuff, and the movies are entertaining. But let's just put it this way, it's not real life.
Uncomfortable Truth #8: Sex won't make the widower love you more.
Widowers have a lot of emotions going on, and a lot of times, it's easy to think that, well, if he sleeps with me, or I sleep with him, and we have a great sex life, that he's going to open his heart, and things are going to be cool. No, doesn't work that way. Widowers have a lot of internal conflict going on. In fact, sometimes it's very hard for them to be sleeping with someone after having a monogamous relationship with their wife. Other times, widowers want to go out and have sex with all the women they can, because they've been in a monogamous relationship as long as they want. So, basically, if you think that being intimate with a widower is going to improve the relationship or make him love you more, it's not going to happen.
In fact, I strongly suggest you wait at least 90 days if not more, to become intimate with the widower you're dating. This will give you a really good idea whether or not why he's dating. Is he just looking for sex, for example, is he really ready to open his heart? Oftentimes, you hop into bed early with a widower, and I guarantee he probably enjoys the sex and it's great, but it's not drawn-- it's not making him love you any more or anything like that. So if you think that that's going to somehow again change things or make the relationship better, it's not. He will use you for what he wants to use you for and move on if he's not ready to move on. Sex doesn't do anything to open his heart, or make him love you, or fill in the blank there. That doesn't happen. That happens, all that emotional attachment comes after he loves you. After he's opened his heart to you, doesn't come before.
Uncomfortable Truth #9. Most depressed widowers don't need medication.
I know it's very very common for widowers to feel depressed or get into a funk after their late wife dies. And oftentimes, well, do you need medication? Maybe sometimes that they do. But usually, I've seen with widowers, it's a lifestyle issue. If you look at the lifestyle of a widower, they can get very lonely, they get stuck in a routine, they get overwhelmed with maybe being a single parent if they have kids at home. Really, if widowers are depressed, the best medication for them is exercise, and male friendship, and a purpose, and a mission. That is far more effective than any kind of medication, in most cases.
Again, I think there are certain cases where there are other things going on, and medication may help. But honestly, if you want to snap a widower out of a funk that he's in, or if you're a widower watching this and you want to snap out of the funk that you're in, find something you enjoy to do. Exercise. Hang out with some of the friends, some male friends here I'm talking about. And figure out a purpose and a mission in your life. Because once men lose a spouse, a lot of their purpose and mission in life is gone. And it's really hard to get back and work just doesn't do it for a lot of people. Just solely being work and going to a job nine to five or whatever doesn't really do it for a lot of men. That's not enough of a mission and a purpose to snap them out of the funk. So again, look at exercise, male friendship, and having a new purpose in your life can not only drastically improve your life, it can make you a lot happier as well.
Uncomfortable truth #10: You can't compete with the ghost. Ghosts always win.
And I have seen this time after time after time where women are in a relationship with a widower, and there's this constant third person there. Maybe the widower's not talking about it, but because she's again, in photos or whatever, or there's just this presence, you know? And maybe it's again, the widower talks about this woman all the time, or there's other things going on. If you feel like you were in a relationship with a ghost, guess what? You cannot compete with the ghost. The ghost, the memories, the exulted, saintly, late wife will always win.
So if you feel that you're in a competition, if there's a ghost in your relationship, there's boundaries and things that you can do to try to get the ghost out of the relationship with the widower. If you still feel like there's a ghost there, get out of the relationship, ghosts always win, hands-down. I have never seen it in my entire life where there's been a threesome in the relationship, and the woman who is alive, and there for him went, ghosts always win, they always do, you can't compete with the ghost. If the widower's not willing to get the ghost out of your relationship, it's time to move on.
