Send the widower dating guide off to the editor last night. (Yay!) Currently working on getting a cover done. Hope to have it on the market in approximately 30 days.
Stay tuned for more updates.
Widower Wednesday: Don’t Assume. Ask.
A couple weeks ago I got an email from a GOW who was upset that her widower she had been dating about six months hadn’t done anything for Valentine’s Day. Instead of the flowers, card, and usual things she was used to on that day, the widower had simply sent her a text message telling her how much he loved and appreciated her. The GOW was upset that he hadn’t been more thoughtful on that day and wanted to know if the widower was ready to move on.
From a man’s point of view, the widower’s behavior seemed rather normal to me. Not every guy in the world is get-the-woman-he-loves-flowers kind of guy. And to be honest, most guys would do away with Valentine’s Day if they could. Not because they don’t like the spirit of what the holiday represents, but because they really don’t like the pressure of feeling like they have to do something.
In addition, adjusting from a married relationship a dating relationship with someone with different expectations doesn’t happen overnight. Maybe the widower and his late wife didn’t do anything on Valentine’s Day and so he wasn’t really thinking about what the new woman expected. I know that most of my relationship mistakes with Marathon Girl were because I was still used to doing things the way the late wife expected them to be done instead of the way Marathon Girl wanted things done.
Anyway, I asked the woman what reason he gave her for not doing what she wanted and that the whole thing sounded like an innocent mistake. A few days later I heard back from her and it turned out the entire thing was a misunderstanding. She hadn’t even brought the subject up with him until reading my email. When she did ask him, he told her he didn’t know what she wanted that day and thought the text message was sufficient.
I share this story because I’m seeing more and more examples in my inbox of something happening in a relationship and the GOW/WOW assuming the widower isn’t ready to move on or start a new relationship with them.
Please don’t assume this unless you have a factual reason for feeling that way. You can avoid a lot stress simply by asking the widower why he made a certain decision or why he said or acted in some way that you didn’t like. There might be a simple explanation for it or maybe the widower simply didn’t know what you expect of him. We’re not mind readers. Maybe the widower isn’t really ready to move on but at least determine that before assuming that things are a certain way.
Relationships are a wonderful thing but they only last as long as both parties learn to communicate with each other. That can take a lot of work and effort in and of itself. If there are any worries or concerns, bring them up with the widower. It’s not always the easiest thing to do but it can pay big dividends in the long run.
Widower Wednesday: Can’t Buy Me Love
I’m in the midst of finishing up the widower dating guide with a deadline of getting things to my editor no later than March 15. Therefore today’s post will be brief.
I was reading a philosophy book the other day and the following quote from the book made me stop and think:
"Love is for its own sake. It works only as a gift, never as a reward. It can't be earned or bartered or insured. It is a grace and it is freely given or not given at all."
Though that chapter of the book had nothing to do with dating, marriage or anything like it, it made me stop and think about some of emails that fill my inbox on a daily basis.
It takes the effort of two people to make a relationship work. If one person isn’t giving it their all or simply not as invested in the relationship (or its future) as the other person, at some point it will fall apart. Often the person who is trying the hardest to make things work wants things to work so bad they’ll do just about anything to make the other person care more about them and their relationships. Sometimes they’ll put up with bad behavior from the widower or his kids. Other times they’ll give up their careers, spend lots of money on the other person, or move halfway across the country in hopes that these actions will make the other person and appreciate them more.
Sadly, these sacrifices rarely, if ever, pay off. Usually the person who gave up everything is often left with nothing but a broken heart.
So if you find yourself in a relationship with a widower who doesn’t care about you or the relationship as much as you, stop trying to make him love you. Either he will give you his entire heart, or he won’t give you any of it. There’s not a lot of middle ground and nothing you can do to make him open it up to you. He will either love you for who you are or he won’t love you at all.
Widower Wednesday: Two Timing Widowers
From the inbox comes the following series of questions:
Would you please clarify on your blog, whether you dated both 'Jennifer' and Marathon Girl - at the same time, whilst keeping each of them a secret from each other, fits the definition of two-timing or 'hedging your bets'?
In your book and blog, your account of that situation seems to differ; in some descriptions you imply you made a clean break with Jennifer 'before' you met and courted Marathon Girl - yet your book depicts that you did not end your relationship with Jennifer until you had 'first' simultaneously secured your relationship with Marathon Girl, both of whom you dated/courted - at the same time.
The account in Room for Two is accurate. I started a long distance relationship with Jennifer a few months before I met Marathon Girl. There were a couple months where was trying to win over Marathon Girl while still having the long distance relationship with Jennifer. Once things got serious with Marathon Girl, I ended it with Jennifer. If I've ever implied on my blog that I made a clean break with Jennifer before I got serious with Marathon Girl, that was certainly not my intent.
What I did was wrong. Very, very wrong and if I could go back in time and do things differently, I'd have ended things with Jennifer as soon as I started running in the mornings with Marathon Girl. At the time I very emotionally confused about what it meant to fall in love the second time. The relationship with Jennifer never felt right—even when we were first dating. I thought this was because I was still trying to move on from my late wife's suicide and once that happened the relationship with Jennifer would feel right.
What I didn’t understand at the time was that I had misgivings about my relationship with Jennifer because it wasn't the right relationship for either me or her. It had nothing to do with opening my heart to someone else and everything to do with opening it up to the wrong person. It wasn't until Marathon Girl and I had been serious for several months that I realized that the same feelings I had for the late wife were the same feelings I had for the late wife. Once this clicked in my brain, all the feelings I had for Jennifer made sense.
I share this not as a justification or excuse for my behavior but to add some context as to why I behaved in such a manner.
Would you have kept Jennifer if things between you and Marathon Girl, did not work out?
The relationship with Jennifer might have lasted a little longer but not much. My relationship with Jennifer was stressful in a lot of ways and the distance between the two of us didn’t help matters. I doubt it would have lasted through the summer.
Is this scenario normal for widowers, and if so why? Is it excusable for widowers, but not other men?
Based on emails from women dating widowers over the years, I'd say it's not normal. But it does happen on occasion. I think about half of the widowers who behave in this manner are, like me, emotionally confused about how they should be feeling and simply attach themselves to someone because they want companionship—even if it's with someone they don't truly love.
That being said, the other half are simply predators who enjoy two-timing (or three-timing) the women they date. These men know what they're doing and enjoy playing this game with as many women as possible. Be wary of such men. Their actions aren't based on confusion but simply because they love seeing what they can get away with and playing games with other people's feelings.
I do not find this kind of behavior excusable in the least. It doesn’t matter if the guy is a widower or not.
What would you advise women who find themselves in Marathon Girl's situation, to do, if they find out at the last minute that their Widower had been keeping another lady in the wings/on the side, a secret during the entire dating/courtship, in case things between the two of you, didn't work out?
Dump him. Wash your hands of him and move on. You deserve better.
But wait, you say, Marathon Girl didn't end things with you when she found out about Jennifer.
Yeah, you're right. She didn't end things but I sure wouldn't have blamed her if she had.
As to why she didn't end it with me, I'll let her answer that question for herself.
Marathon Girl: Abel and I were not dating each other exclusively at the time he told me about Jennifer. Though we had a couple of good dates when he finally told me about her, we weren't to the point where I we had agreed to date only each other. When I was first dating Abel, I was still dating other guys and Abel wasn't aware of that. I was still leery about dating a widower and kept hoping that things would work out with one of the other guys so I could tell Abel that I had a boyfriend and end things with him. Had we been in a serious relationship and dating each other exclusively, I would have felt and reacted differently about Jennifer. There would have been no second chances and we wouldn't be celebrating 11 years as husband and wife this week since we never would have gotten married in the first place.
That being said, I don't feel like I'm in the same position as the letter writer. It sounds like she is in a more committed relationship then Abel and I were when this information about a second woman came out. Unless he can give you a really good reason as to why he had a woman on the side (and let's face it, there isn't one) while in a serious relationship with you then I'd end it. He's not worth your time.
Widower Wednesday: Ask Marathon Girl II
Today Marathon Girl answers more of your questions. You can see what questions she answered last week here.
Question from Tiffani: How did you deal with Abel's "moments" where he struggled with memories, grief, or other things related to the death of his wife?
I tried to be supportive of his needs and loss by letting him talks about it (if he felt like it) and work through it. I even encouraged him to write a book about it if he felt that would be helpful since he enjoyed writing so much. (Note: Room for Two is what resulted from that suggestion.)
Even though I did everything I could to be supportive, it was hard to see Abel sad and thinking about someone that wasn't me. Don't kid yourself and think that these moments are a walk in the part because they're not. But at the same time I didn’t want Abel to bottle it up and not feel that he couldn't talk to be or be with me when those moments hit. I felt it was better to know how he was doing (even if it hurt) than pretend that everything was okay when that may not have been the case.
Question from Jessica: Who did you get support from when you needed to discuss your relationship with Abel? Friends? Family? Someone else?
Even though my family is big on communicating and talking to each other about relationships and just about anything else, it was hard to talk to my mom, sisters and others that I normally relied on for support. It wasn't that my mom and other family members didn't want to help but they really didn't know how to help me as none of them had experience with dating a widower. At least I could talk to Abel about it. It took some time but I was finally able to get him to see what it was like for me and the struggles I was dealing with even if he there wasn't anything he could really do to overcome my own insecurities and feelings about dating widower. In the end I had of had to blaze my own trail and trust my gut that I was doing the right thing and making the right choices.
Question from Anonymous: What was the hardest thing for you about dating a widower?
That no one knew exactly how hard it was to date a widower or all the issues that I had to make peace with. A lot of people thought it was like dating someone who had been divorced when it was nothing like that at all. A lot of Abel's family and friends would say or do things that made it more difficult whether it was someone on the day we got engaged saying that Krista would be okay with Abel remarrying or condolence cards that came in on the anniversary of her death after we were married. I don’t think they did it with the intention to hurt my feelings but their actions seemed focused on Abel or Krista. My thoughts and feelings usually weren't taken into consideration.
Looking back, I wish a lot of the support groups for women dating widowers that exist now would have been around eleven years ago when we were dating. I think it would have been a lot easier for me if I had someone to talk to who was experiencing similar things.
Widower Wednesday: Ask Marathon Girl
Last week one of the threads on the Dating a Widower Facebook group spawned a series of questions. After reading Room for Two, someone wanted to know more about Marathon Girl's side of the story. So I took some questions from the ladies of the group and asked Marathon Girl to answer them. I've posted the first two questions below.
If you have other questions you'd like to ask Marathon Girl, post them in the comments below or send me an email and we'll post them in the coming weeks.
Question from Lorie: How did you know Abel was ready to move on and make you number one?
Marathon Girl: The first big sign to me that Abel was ready to move on was he put his old wedding band away for good. To me that was the last big thing from the past he was holding on to. Mentally I think he was ready to move on but he still had to take that step of taking it off and putting it away. Once he took that step, I was ready to have conversations about the two of us spending the rest of our lives together. After that it was making sure that his actions matched his words. There wasn't much debate in my mind that he wasn't ready. There were small setbacks from time to time but mostly there were giant leaps forward. I couldn't have married him if I had any doubts about his readiness to make me the center of his universe.
Two questions from Jessica: 1) After reading Room for Two, I want to know why you decided to go to the cemetery with Abel on anniversary of his late wife's death. 2) Why did you want to know so much about Krista when the two of you were dating?
Marathon Girl: Losing a spouse helped make Abel the man he was then and is today. I didn't want to cut myself from that part of his life. I wanted to see how Abel was doing and have a better understanding of where he was. I also wanted to support him if he needed me. I didn't think I could do that staying at home. It wasn't an easy thing to see your husband crying over someone that he loved but I did it because I felt it was the right thing to do for Abel and our relationship. I have no regrets about that decision and am glad that I did it.
As for your second question, I'm an inquisitive person by nature. Abel loved someone enough to marry her. In order to better understand Abel and where he was coming from and what he had been through, I needed to know more about his relationship with Krista. If I pretended that she never existed, I'd be losing out on learning more about Abel and who he is and what made him the man that he was when I was dating him. It was also good to know about the kind of relationship Abel wanted the second time around. I'm glad I did it as I was able to get a better picture of the man I was dating and how his first relationship influenced and shaped him.
Widower Wednesday: Our Engagement Story
Just a reminder that if you're dating or married to a widower, consider joining the Dating a Widower group on Facebook. There's a great group of ladies there who are there to listen, laugh and cry with you, and help you through any issues you're experiencing.
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When I asked Marathon Girl to marry me, one of her sisters was living in Illinois. Since she wasn't able to hear our engagement story in person, we decided to make an audio recording of what happened and send it off to her. We made the recording, mailed it off, and I forgot all about it.
Last weekend my sister-in-law said she was going through some things and found the recording we made. She converted the recording to digital format and emailed it to me. After listening to it, I thought I'd share it in part so readers know that dating a widower can actually turn into marriage. Also, I thought it would be fun to hear our engagement story as I don't think it's one I've publically shared before.
You can listen to the story at the MP3 link below. It runs about 4:30 in length.
My Super Bowl XLVIII Prediction
By the score 28-17.
Oh, come on. You didn't really think I was going to pick the Seahawks did you?
Chinese New Year Birthday
This is what happens when your birthday falls on Chinese New Year. (Click on image for larger version.)
Another Great Obituary
Awhile back I wrote about an great obituary that appeared in the local paper. Though the one below isn't written in the first person, I thought it gave great insight in the deceased. Wish more obituaries did that.
Leonard Mason Smith, 86, a veteran of World War II and Korea and longtime resident of Pine Island, Florida passed away on November 27th, 2013.
Leonard Smith was a very private man. If you wanted to know his cause of death, he would have told you that it was none of your business. If you asked Penny, his beloved wife, she would tell you that he had cancer, but not to tell anyone. Although his prognosis was dire, he battled on, lived his life and survived several years beyond the experts' expectations. He did not want his obituary to suggest that he lost a long battle with cancer. By his reckoning, cancer could not win, and could only hope for a draw. And so it was. Leonard Smith hated losing.
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Leonard Smith hated pointless bureaucracy, thoughtless inefficiency and bad ideas born of good intentions. He loved his wife, admired and respected his children and liked just about every dog he ever met. He will be greatly missed by those he loved and those who loved him. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you cancel your subscription to The New York Times.
Leonard Smith would have thought that this obituary was about three paragraphs too long.
Read the full obituary here.