Widower Wednesday: Ask Marathon Girl

Widower Wednesday

Last week one of the threads on the Dating a Widower Facebook group spawned a series of questions. After reading Room for Two, someone wanted to know more about Marathon Girl's side of the story. So I took some questions from the ladies of the group and asked Marathon Girl to answer them. I've posted the first two questions below.

If you have other questions you'd like to ask Marathon Girl, post them in the comments below or send me an email and we'll post them in the coming weeks.

Question from Lorie: How did you know Abel was ready to move on and make you number one?

Marathon Girl: The first big sign to me that Abel was ready to move on was he put his old wedding band away for good. To me that was the last big thing from the past he was holding on to. Mentally I think he was ready to move on but he still had to take that step of taking it off and putting it away. Once he took that step, I was ready to have conversations about the two of us spending the rest of our lives together. After that it was making sure that his actions matched his words. There wasn't much debate in my mind that he wasn't ready. There were small setbacks from time to time but mostly there were giant leaps forward. I couldn't have married him if I had any doubts about his readiness to make me the center of his universe.

Two questions from Jessica: 1) After reading Room for Two, I want to know why you decided to go to the cemetery with Abel on anniversary of his late wife's death. 2) Why did you want to know so much about Krista when the two of you were dating?

Marathon Girl: Losing a spouse helped make Abel the man he was then and is today. I didn't want to cut myself from that part of his life. I wanted to see how Abel was doing and have a better understanding of where he was. I also wanted to support him if he needed me. I didn't think I could do that staying at home. It wasn't an easy thing to see your husband crying over someone that he loved but I did it because I felt it was the right thing to do for Abel and our relationship. I have no regrets about that decision and am glad that I did it.

As for your second question, I'm an inquisitive person by nature. Abel loved someone enough to marry her. In order to better understand Abel and where he was coming from and what he had been through, I needed to know more about his relationship with Krista. If I pretended that she never existed, I'd be losing out on learning more about Abel and who he is and what made him the man that he was when I was dating him. It was also good to know about the kind of relationship Abel wanted the second time around.  I'm glad I did it as I was able to get a better picture of the man I was dating and how his first relationship influenced and shaped him.

Widower Wednesday: Our Engagement Story

Widower Wednesday

Just a reminder that if you're dating or married to a widower, consider joining the Dating a Widower group on Facebook. There's a great group of ladies there who are there to listen, laugh and cry with you, and help you through any issues you're experiencing.

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When I asked Marathon Girl to marry me, one of her sisters was living in Illinois. Since she wasn't able to hear our engagement story in person, we decided to make an audio recording of what happened and send it off to her. We made the recording, mailed it off, and I forgot all about it.

Last weekend my sister-in-law said she was going through some things and found the recording we made. She converted the recording to digital format and emailed it to me. After listening to it, I thought I'd share it in part so readers know that dating a widower can actually turn into marriage. Also, I thought it would be fun to hear our engagement story as I don't think it's one I've publically shared before.

You can listen to the story at the MP3 link below. It runs about 4:30 in length.

Abel and Marathon Girl Engagemnt Story (MP3)

Another Great Obituary

Awhile back I wrote about an great obituary that appeared in the local paper. Though the one below isn't written in the first person, I thought it gave great insight in the deceased. Wish more obituaries did that.

Leonard Mason Smith, 86, a veteran of World War II and Korea and longtime resident of Pine Island, Florida passed away on November 27th, 2013.

Leonard Smith was a very private man. If you wanted to know his cause of death, he would have told you that it was none of your business. If you asked Penny, his beloved wife, she would tell you that he had cancer, but not to tell anyone. Although his prognosis was dire, he battled on, lived his life and survived several years beyond the experts' expectations. He did not want his obituary to suggest that he lost a long battle with cancer. By his reckoning, cancer could not win, and could only hope for a draw. And so it was. Leonard Smith hated losing.

***

Leonard Smith hated pointless bureaucracy, thoughtless inefficiency and bad ideas born of good intentions. He loved his wife, admired and respected his children and liked just about every dog he ever met. He will be greatly missed by those he loved and those who loved him. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you cancel your subscription to The New York Times.

Leonard Smith would have thought that this obituary was about three paragraphs too long.

Read the full obituary here.

 

Widower Wednesday: Book Review: Unremarried Widow

Widower Wednesday

For those who want to read the story of how I met Marathon Girl and started a new life with her, Room for Two is now available for Kindle, Nook, iPad, and Kobo.

***

Back in 2009 a journalism student named Artis Henderson emailed me to ask if I was willing to be interviewed about my experiences of being a widower and moving on. I agreed to the interview. The article she was writing never made it to print. However, she did pull some quotes from the interview and use them in her relationship column for a Florida newspaper.

Fast forward to 2013 and we reconnected via Twitter. As I read a little more about her, I noticed that she too was a widow. I checked the dates of and realized that she was a widow when she interviewed four years earlier though, to her credit, she didn’t disclose that fact when she spoke with me. I noticed she had a memoir, Unremarried Widow coming in January 2014 and she asked if I wanted an advanced copy. I took her up on the offer. I wasn’t asked to write a review of her book in exchange for the copy but decided to do so anyway because after reading it I thought that the book might be helpful to readers of this blog.

At its core, Unremarried Widow is a love story—and a beautifully written one at that. It’s the story how Artis fell in love with her husband Miles (despite being his polar opposite in so many ways), losing him in an army helicopter crash in Iraq, and put her life together after the fact. It also weaves in the story of Artis childhood and mother who was a widower herself after losing her husband to an airplane crash and the similarities of their experience, grieving, and moving on.

Though I always knew that men and women grieved differently, it wasn’t until I read Unremarried Widow that I really understood what that difference really is. The biggest one is that women grieve in groups. Though only briefly mentioned, Arits spends time with a grief group in Florida and a military support group. There she finds women that she can lean and rely on and help her give strength to move on. Men are rarely present at these groups and when they are there, they don’t last long. (At one point the women in the group joke that the widowers who didn’t show up for the weekly session were probably out on a date. I don’t think they realized that the widowers were probably doing just that.)

The other big difference is that widows don’t have an internal need for a relationship that widowers do. Arits goes back to school to fulfill her dreams of being a writer—something she put on hold as she moved from base to base with Miles. She travels. She works for a newspaper.  She goes back to school. She does have a few short relationships but dating again isn’t a priority or a necessity for putting her life back together. And even though she still misses Miles, life and her decisions take her on a path where she rediscovers herself and how to be happy with her new life as a widow.

Where Artis really gets kudos from me, however, is that when presented with evidence that her husband’s helicopter crash may not have happened the way the Army said it did, Artis refuses to get dragged down into an extended investigation. Instead she focuses on moving on and adjusting to her new reality declining repeated attempts from the widow of the other pilot to get at the truth. Such a thing is hard to do but Artis manages to do it with kindness and grace.

Unremarried Widow is one of the few grief memoirs that I’ve been able to read from cover to cover. That’s because it’s not about grief but love, hope, and redefining your life when life takes an unexpected turn.

***

You can purchase a copy of Unremarried Widow here. Follow Artis on Twitter here.

Widower Wednesday: Think Outside the Late Wife

Widower Wednesday

I apologize that this column is a day late. I'm at a marketing and sales conference all week and have little time to do any personal writing.

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When widowers start dating again, they generally start looking for someone that is similar to the late wife. They might pursue someone who looks like her, has similar interests, or a similar personality. For example, when I was dating the second time, I would generally go out with people who were creative and artistic or had similar interests as my late wife.

There's nothing wrong with this per se. It pretty normal and natural to pursue someone that has attributes or interests that we're already comfortable with. After all, it might make the transition to a new relationship easier. However, the problem I notice with this is that some widowers almost expect the women to do things just like the late wife did them and have a hard time dealing with the fact that these women come with their own personality and interests.

So if you're a widower in this position or out dating game, here are some things to think about before getting to serious with someone:

  • No one is going to be exactly like your late wife. No one. No matter how many women you date, they're all going to be unique and different. They're all going to have things you love about them and things that drive you crazy. What you need to decide is why you're attracted to the woman. Is it because she's an amazing person in her own right or that she reminds you enough of the late wife that it eases your grief and the pain in your heart?  If it’s the latter, you’re bound to be disappointed as you get to know her better.
  • Don’t be afraid to date outside your comfort zone. It never hurts to go on one date with someone who may seem to be the polar opposite of the late wife. You may be surprised that you have more in common than you think.
  • When you fall in love the second time, I mean REALLY fall in love with someone, a lot of that stuff you may think is important suddenly goes out the window. When I started dating the second time, I thought I needed to be with someone who was creative, artistic, and outgoing. I ended up marrying someone who was scientific, logical, and reserved. Yet I was head over heels crazy for her. I still am. What I learned from the experience is that when we meet the right person, we just know it and we're willing to love them for the person they are--faults, good things, and everything in between.

Dating the second time is quite an adventure. Don’t be afraid to see all the different options out there. You might be surprised at what you find.

Widower Wednesday: My Widower Has Anger Issues

Widower Wednesday

The following comment was left on a recent Widower Wednesday post.

I hope you can help me. I’m at my wits end. I’m a WOW for 2 1/2 years now. His deceased spouse died 4 years ago of cancer. They were married for 40 years and had no children. We have had a very difficult marriage and I have been talked down by his in-laws. He has never stood up for me in any situation. I had told him right after we married, I did not want to be around any of her family. It makes me very uncomfortable and I feel like I’m swimming with sharks. I told him I would not stop him if he wanted to visit them, but do not try to force them on me. Well, this past Monday, we were discussing him sending out Christmas cards by himself and only to his family and friends. I was upset and he told me he had sent some to his in-law family. He said he signed both out names. I was not upset and told him that was fine. He started in about he wanted a relationship with his old in-laws and wanted me to be involved too. I told him I wasn’t there and didn’t want to be forced. He got very upset and said he didn’t think he should have to associate with my Mother’s side of the family.(???) So, I told him that I’m a part of my Mother’s family and since he felt that way, he did not have to be with me, but could spend the holidays with his old in-laws. He started screaming and cursing me, as usual. I think he has anger issues and will start calling me names. I left and haven’t been back and he hasn’t bothered to call. I am feeling he has never had any respect for me and I just want out. Please help.

Help

Help,

Sometimes it's easy to confuse widower issues with bigger relationship issues. Based on what you've described, it sounds like there more here than him simply making room in his heart for you.

If screaming and cursing at you is normal, there are serious anger issues that need to be addressed by a professional. It's not a widower issue—it's a verbal and emotional abuse issue. You can't help him overcome this. You made a wise decision to leave and not go back. Returning won't improve anything. Odds are he's had this problem long before you came into his life. Yes, he needs to stand up for you with the (former) in-laws, but that's not going to change until he gets his anger issues under control and treats you like you like a queen.

So take a deep breath and start adjusting to live without him. It may be a heart-breaking struggle to get yourself out of this relationship but long-term it will be the best decision you ever made. You'll be in an emotionally, spiritually, and physically better place once you're able to put this behind you.

Readers, what advice would you give Help?