Widower Wednesday: LTS

Well, it's almost 10:00 p.m. and I still have to write a Widower Wednesday post. So tonight I'll keep it short and sweet.

There's an abbreviation I want you to remember when you get tired of constantly feeling like Number 2 or that you're competing with a ghost. Those letters? LTS. It stands for Life's Too Short.

All lives have trials, tribulations, and hard times. However, there are some difficulties and challenges that we have control over and can end them whenever we want. The only one keeping you in a bad relationship is you. You can walk away whenever you want.

Life's too short to spend time with widowers who aren't ready to move on. It's too short to go through day after day of heartache. It's too short to waste it with someone who won't treat you like a queen.

Decide how you'll use the time you've been given. You only get once chance. Don't waste it.

The Bridge

Took this photograph last week while driving the support van for Marathon Girl during her 20 mile run. It struck me as something you'd see in a horror novel. You know, kids ignore the sign, go on the bridge to jump into the river and have fun. Sooner or later they all end up dead. Yeah, that' s how my mind works.

Widower Wednesday: Survivor Guilt

 

Over the last couple weeks I've received several emails from widowers who are experiencing something akin to survivor guilt. In short, they've fallen in love again and are doing what it takes to make the new woman the center of their universe. Despite having moved forward they feel guilty that their life has changed for the better or that they shouldn't be happy when their late wife is dead.

I think these feelings are normal for widowers especially if their wife suffered a violent death or painful illness. There were times when I was dating and first married to Marathon Girl that I felt like I didn't deserve all the happiness in my life. Looking back, the two things that drove this was 1) residual guilt and feelings of responsibility for my late wife’s suicide and 2) the thought that people who lost a loved one were supposed to be sad.

The feelings of guilt/responsibility are somewhat understandable considering the way she died, but the second one is just silly. Where is it written that those who have lost a husband or wife are supposed to be sad and mournful the rest of their lives or can’t find love or happiness again?

So what should widowers who are experiencing something like survivor guilt do? Remember how blessed you are just to have found love again. Most people are lucky to find true love once. Not everyone can find it twice. Enjoy these happy times because, as those who have suffered loss know, happy and joyful times can be short and fleeting. Even if you remarry and grow old together with a new love, there will be challenging times in your future like unemployment, financial difficulties, sickness, etc. together that all everyone faces. They won't last forever but they will happen. That's why it’s important to realize just how many blessings you have right now and enjoy them. Let these moments of joy soak in and envelop you. Those who are able to open their hearts to someone else have been given a great gift. Don't take it for granted or think something's wrong. There are countless people who would give anything to have what you're experiencing right now.

For all the GOWs and WOWs out there, has your widower dealt with something akin to survivor guilt? If so, how did he get over it? How did you handle it?

Mormon Writers Ask for Manuscripts to be Treated on Quality of Work not Content of Biography

For the record, happily I signed the following statement:

Mormon Writers Ask for Manuscripts to be Treated on Quality of Work not Content of Biography

In response to recent events and attention in local and national media, we authors, who are also members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, feel the need to express our disagreement and disappointment with Cedar Fort in their dealings with David Powers King and Michael Jensen in regards to the manuscript, Woven. We appreciate that Cedar Fort has returned the rights to the work in question and want to note that there are many wonderful people working at Cedar Fort–staff members and authors–who strive to carry out their duties with professionalism and courtesy. Nevertheless we wish to offer our support to our fellow authors and feel compelled to speak out.

As writers, many of whom have published with Cedar Fort, we believe everyone should be treated fairly and with respect, regardless of political or religious affiliation, age, gender, or sexual orientation. We believe that degrading attacks are inappropriate in any business or personal relationship. As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons), we understand our church to teach respect and encourage civility–even when we have differences of opinion.

While publishers have the right to choose what they will and will not publish, we believe books should be accepted or rejected upon the merits of their content, quality, and commercial viability, not on any other factor. If a publisher isn’t comfortable with an author’s personal choices, those concerns should be discussed clearly and respectfully upon signing a contract–not hours before the book goes to press.

We believe that all publishers should be clear and professional in their submission requirements, treat others with dignity and respect, and give all authors the right to be judged on the quality of their work, not the content of their biography.

You can find a full list of authors who have signed the statement here.

There's a story about this in the Salt Lake Tribune here.

Life Imitates The Third XI

From the Weekly Standard:

Last week, the New York Times ran a piece on the dire demographic problems facing Germany. The short version: Germans aren’t having enough kids, and as a result the economy is in trouble and there are all sorts of logistical problems—vacant buildings that need to be razed; houses that will never be sold, sewer systems which may not function properly because they’re too empty.

***

Twenty-three percent of German men—that’s not a typo, 23 percent—said that “zero” was the ideal family size. There probably aren’t public policy solutions to a cultural worldview like that.

Link to the rest at The Weekly Standard.

Note that in The Third enough people didn't want children that there was a robust child credit trading system for those who wanted more than two kids. If such a policy were enacted in Germany, I can't help but wonder how robust such a system would be would be.

Widower Wednesday: I Said "Yes" When I Should Have Said "No"

Dear Abel,

I did something stupid and was wondering if you could help me fix the mess I’m in. I’m dating a widower.  Until last week, things were going great. What happened? Last week was the second anniversary of his late wife’s death. He asked if he could post a picture of them on his Facebook profile. I said “Yes” even though I really wanted to say “No!” The next day the photo went up on Facebook. In addition to having to see the photo, there were dozens of comments from friends, family, and the widower about how much she was missed. It finally got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and had to get off Facebook. This is obviously affecting my attitude because the widower keeps asking if I’m okay. I tell him I’m fine even though I’m not. I don’t feel like I can talk about this or ask him to take it down because I told him “Yes” in the first place.

I suppose you’re wondering, why did I say “Yes” and why won’t I tell him how I really feeling now. I was trying to be nice and accommodating. I didn't want to be seen as the girl that pretends he was never married or had a life before he met me. I’m okay with his past. I’m okay with the fact he was married. The more I think about it, the more I realize I’m more upset at myself for not being honest with him about my feelings than the actual photograph or comments. I feel that I could have avoided this entire situation if I had just been honest but I was too worried about how the widower would react if I said “No.”

I want to have an amazing relationship with this man and need to get this off my chest. How do I walk this back without hurting his feelings or ruining our relationship?

Thanks in advance for any advice or suggestions,

M.

***

Hi M.,

You’re not alone in this dilemma. It common in many relationships (not just widower ones) to want to be accommodating instead of being honest in order to avoid a fight, disagreement, or anything that could damage the relationship. This may work in the short term but long term just makes the relationships worse as boundaries aren't set and couples don’t learn how to communicate with each other.

Here’s what I suggest you do: Find a time when you can talk without interruption and explain to him why you said “Yes” when you really wanted to say “No.” Apologize for not being honest, tell him that it won’t happen again and you’ll be open with him in the future. Let him know that you want him to be honest about his feelings too. I don’t know how he’s going to react but if he’s a good a guy as you say he is, he’ll use this opportunity as a learning experience and use it to make your communication and overall relationship stronger.

At this point, I wouldn't ask him to remove the photo from his Facebook page. If anything, have the photo serve as a reminder of the consequences of not speaking up and being honest about your feelings and that this is a situation you want to avoid in the future.

Podcast: Writing Non-Fiction and Memoirs

Some writing pals over at Authors' Think Tank interviewed me for their writing podcast. The topic? Writing non-fiction and memoirs. You can listen to the podcast here or at the link below.

Widower Wednesday: Leading By Example

As a parent, one of the things I’ve often learned the hard way is how much your kids watch and imitate your behavior. For example, the other day my 9-year-old son blurted out a mild swear word when he got upset. Where did he learn that from? Uh, that would be me. I don’t swear a lot but occasionally when I get upset I let that mild swear world fly. My son was just imitating what he had heard Dad say when he gets angry. That wasn't my proudest moment as a father and since then I've a conscious effort to stop using that word when I get mad.

So what does this have to do with dating a widower?

Many of the widowers, GOWs, and WOWs who read this blog have kids of their own. Whether they’re young and living at home or adults with lives of their own, they watch how their mom or dad interacts and treats the significant other in his or her life. If they see their Mom being treated like second place and putting up with it all the time, what kind of lessons are they drawing from that? If they watch Dad go through a series of relationships with women he’s crazy about one day and could care less about them the next, what kind of impressions are being made? Then there are teens and adult kids who are allowed to treat the new squeeze in their father’s life like crap. What kind of lessons are they drawing from that?

I’m not saying that your kids should only see should be roses and sunshine when it comes to mom’s or dad’s love life. No relationship is perfect. Rather, what’s the overall message that the kids are learning from the way you treat your significant other and how are they incorporating these lessons into their own relationships. If they see the two of you argue, do they also see the two of you apologize to each other? Do they see you treat your significant other like the number one person in your life or like someone who will never quite be good enough. Don’t underestimate what conclusions they’re drawing from your behavior that will affect the way they behave in their future or current relationships. Just like when my nine-year-old swore the other day, you may learn too late just what kind of influence you've actually had on them until it’s too late.

Widower Wednesday: Filling the Hole vs Falling in Love

The other day I had a chance to have lunch with a recent widower. One of the many things we talked about was about dating again—something the widower had yet to do. During that part of the conversation he expressed his concern about dating for the wrong reasons. He said that since his wife died he felt there was a big hole in his life. He wanted that feeling to go away but was worried he’d get into a serious relationship because he was lonely instead of love. He asked me when I was dating Marathon Girl if I felt I was just filling the hole in my heart or if I knew there was more to it. It was a great question and I thought I’d share my answer in today’s column.

As many of you know, before I started dating Marathon Girl I was in a serious relationship with another woman who I’ll call Jennifer. When we started dating I felt there was something missing in my life and wanted desperately to get the pieces of my life back together. When I first started dating Jennifer I felt that in a lot of ways she filled a lot of the needs that I had at the time. I had companionship, someone I could talk to, hold, and kiss. Even though something didn’t feel right about the relationship I was so desperate to not have that empty feeling in my life I ignored the warning signs and kept the relationship going.

Then along came Marathon Girl. Dating her was nothing like dating Jennifer. Sure, we did a lot of the same activities that I did with Jennifer (baseball games, hiking, movies, etc.) but when I was with Marathon Girl I was more worried about what I could do to make her happy. With Jennifer I wondered what she could do to make me happy. I wanted companionship from Jennifer. I wanted a relationship with Marathon Girl—not just any relationship—but one that would eventually lead to marriage. With Jennifer there were times I got tired of being with her and wanted to be alone. I never felt that way with Marathon Girl. When I was away from Marathon Girl I was counting down the minutes before we could be together again. I don’t ever remember doing that with Jennifer. I got up at 5:00 a.m. every morning to go running with Marathon Girl no matter the weather or how little sleep I got the night before. I can’t think of a situation where I would have done something similar for Jennifer.

As we become more serious I realized that the feelings I had for Marathon Girl were the exact same feelings I had for the late wife. The fact that I felt the same way about Marathon Girl freaked me out at first. Marathon Girl was a very different person than the late wife and because of that I thought I should have different feelings for her. But after a while I realized that I had the same feelings of love for Marathon Girl was a good thing. The feelings I had for her made me put Marathon Girl’s wants and needs over my own. They made me forget about myself and my pain and focus on what I could do to make our relationship one that could last forever.

After most widowers become serious with someone, they know whether or not they’re in a relationship for love or to fill the hole in their heart. Sadly, many of them press forward with a relationship even if it’s not right for them because, just like when I dated Jennifer, having someone is better than facing the pain and empty life that comes with being alone after the death of a spouse. Looking back, I would have been better of in the long run if I had simply been honest with myself instead of deceiving myself into thinking there was more to my relationship with Jennifer. It would have saved us both a lot of pain and heartache.

If you’re dating a widower it can be hard to know at first whether the widower is in a relationship for love or some other reason. That’s why I always suggest taking things slow at first, drawing clear relationships boundaries, and expecting the same behavior from a widower as you would a single or divorced guy. Widowers who are dating for the right reasons will respect you and your boundaries. Widowers who are in it for themselves can wear the “I love you” mask for a short period of time but eventually it will slip and the real reason they’re in a relationship will come to light.

Relationships built on love are wonderful and will last a lifetime. Relationships built on the selfish wants of one person eventually fall apart. Whether you’re a widower or someone who’s in a relationship with one, it never hurts to do a gut check and be honest with yourself about the reasons you’re together. If they’re not the right ones, well, you know what needs to be done.

Purple Flowers